Husband's job is killing us

[December24]

I can't cope any more. He can't handle his job any more and it's killing us. We've discussed all possibilities of changing jobs, changing hours, rearranging our lives, and nothing will result in everybody being happy. Apart from winning the lottery and quitting work, of course.

His job is better paid than mine, but will never make him a millionaire. Mine is highly specialised but lower paid, and I went part time when we had kids. It'll be impossible for us to financially manage if we swapped and he went part-time, and he's not convinced he'll be significantly less stressed with fewer hours. A career change is possible, but he has no idea what he would want to do. Me going full-time and him staying at home also wouldn't be financially viable.

One of the problems is, I think he's beginning to resent me and resent my life. I love my job, and I'm good at it, so although I'm pressured at work, it doesn't stress me out too much. I also don't bring work home, whereas he works at home five nights a week at least. I do all the household stuff because he's busy. He deals with finances and does childcare pick up and drop off on my working days. That's his only time with the kids all week, and he's now saying he doesn't want to do it any more so he could stay at work. He's saying he wishes he'd known how much hard work three kids would be and maybe re-thought family plans. Well, I'm sorry for accidentally getting pregnant with twins, and I was the reluctant one when it came to having more than one child. He was keen, I was much less so. He thinks my days not in work and days off for me. They're not. With school runs, food shopping, washing, entertaining toddlers and other household stuff, they're really not.

I have more flexibility with annual leave, and although I cover all childcare gaps and most kids sick days (he can't really take leave, his holidays are at specific times) because I save some days for emergencies, I get the occasional one to myself if those emergencies don't happen. He hates that and never lets me forget it, to the extent I've considered not telling him I've got a day off and leaving for work as normal and then doing whatever I like. But I don't like deception. I've told him to take himself off for a weekend away to recharge, but no. He needs a fortnight to recharge, which is obviously impossible.

I don't know what to do any more. He resents me, he resents my job, he resents that I gave us more children than planned. I can't ever be ill or tired, because if I say I am, it's all "welcome to my world." I know his job is stressful, I know he feels ill more than he should do, but I feel that me and the kids are being forgotten in all his problems. He's angry, on edge, disengaged and it's like walking on eggshells. We barely speak in the evenings because he's just incapable. Or unwilling, I'm never sure which.

I know I made the vows, and I said for better or worse, but surely that comes with a caveat of feeling like you're actually in a marriage. I don't. It's like sharing a flat with someone who you've ended up having pets (children) with whose care you have to share. Nothing more. I don't want my marriage to end, but I can't see a way through these problems. But splitting up wouldn't solve anything either.

I think it’d be a mistake to change your work pattern, when the primary problems are clearly your H’s situation, health and behaviour.

Why couldn’t you do your job as a single parent, is it unsocial hours? Do you actually earn a decent wage? If not, your H may have a point that you earning more could take the pressure off him.

I also really appreciated OH reassuring me that we would manage if I quit and encouraging me to look at other options. Maybe he feels the pressure to provide financially - to reduce this maybe look to increasing ur hours or another career or think of ways to save money?

Your posts are riddled with quantum OP. And what you don't have and what is not going to happen. Try turning it around and looking at the positive quality things you have.

Drogo I do not drink - oh and stop trolling.

I also guessed his occupation.

He might not need a new career path - he might just need a change of school/management.

I presume he works in secondary, as they are all pretty much academies now, and some MATs are horrendous to work for!

Something needs to change - job role, school, hours?, it’s just not sustainable, but it’s hard to see the wood for the trees at times.

It's not unsocial hours, regular office hours, but the commute is quite long and can't really afford to get any closer.

Working from home wouldn't be a deal breaker, I'd be in the same industry just a slightly different part of it. I'm very reluctant to give it up, for independence, my own sanity (had a year away post baby 1 and my mental health was not good) and I have a good pension. These things are important. I'm not being stubborn, I would give it up in a heartbeat if it was necessary for my family, but I don't see how it would help at the moment.

Might look up some of those what else can teachers do threads. I don't know teaching, but I've suggested private schools, further education colleges. I don't know if he listens, or if any of those are possible or would help matters.

Maybe he's underestimating what part-time would do to benefit him. I'm going to do the sums myself, see if the finances work. I usually leave that stuff to him (maths and economics teacher) but I'll give it a go.

He's used to leading, he's used to having to lead. Can you just book him an appointment with the GP, inform him he's going, and take him? Say if the GP says he's absolutely fine and not depressed, OK. Please, please go with him.

hope he's got quite a tough GP who will give as good as they get

I'm glad he's not self-medicating, that's good news.

You are being too kind. He can avoid getting help, avoid acting to change his situation because you do so much of his share for him. You've got to kick off more about how he's not pulling his weight at home rather than compressing your hours to enable him to do even less. The issue has to be forced.

I keep asking about your earnings to try to get a sense of whether he has a point about wanting you to earn more.

Eg if you earn something like £10k after tax a year for 3 days a week, I’d argue that it’d make sense to seek something better paid.

Wouldn’t research things for him, it needs to come from him. All you can do is decide what you’re willing to put up with from him, or not. You’ve offered support, encouraged him to seek help and look at his options, and put up with him treating you pretty badly. He is still unable or unwilling to do parenting or domestic work, seek help, look at his options or change his behaviour.

I have a MH issue and have been very up and down with my job/commute over the years. I have sympathy for him, but not for how he’s treating youx

He's angry, on edge, disengaged and it's like walking on eggshells. We barely speak in the evenings because he's just incapable. Or unwilling, I'm never sure which.

This just isn't right or fair on anybody. You need some support, individually and as a couple but that takes time, which you don't have. A poster above suggested reduced hours, that MUST be your first option. A day off together, no children, time to reconnect maybe?

Yeah, that's why I wouldn't take up more & more of the childcare. He'll just work more, not fix things. The more you give up or tiptoe round, the more he'll take. Depression is a selfish illness.

What on Earth are you reading @LadyPasserine?!

He goes to gp and discusses stress / depression questionnaire.... or he leaves
He gets advice about taking time out from his job or reducing hours or changing job ...
or he leaves

You cannot make him happy
Don't change everything to cater for him
He has to address his issues

Make an appt go with him to gp

If he refuses it will only get worse
Ex used to do the whole regret thing. He imploded. You can't continue to walk on eggshells.

Don't let him give up any of his childcare duties OP - he's already distancing himself from the family unit, turning it into 'me' and 'them'. Tell him you can't let him stop that because he needs to spend time with his kids.

But it sounds like he's massively burnt out. Fun fact - burnout is male business-speak for depression, but because it sounds so energetic and macho you might persuade him to address his burnout where you can't get him to recognise his depression?

You poor thing. I do sympathise having been in similar situation many years back though not with three children.

I agree with the person on page one who said marriage counselling might help. You're stuck in a dismal place at the moment, there may be ways out that could be explored if you love eachother.

He had a part in making three children you know, it isn't all your fault and you don't want your little one growing up knowing he feels like that! Not saying you would.

hoping all will improve.

LadyPasserine I thought you'd had a few 🍸 too. Not trolling. Are you?

I also thought teacher and can relate to much of what you say. My partner is in teaching and the impact on our relationship is awful and so stressful. Hope you can get some resolution. He needs to recognise it and acknowledge impact and then try ways to fix it. Hope you're ok

I'm on about £20k part-time. I know it's a good salary for the hours, although obviously childcare takes a chunk of that. He doesn't particularly want me to up my hours to earn more though, he's certainly not insisting on it, although we've talked about it. This is the thing, I don't actually know what he wants. I don't think he knows. He'd like to retire, but he's a bit young for that. He'd like a different job but isn't sure what. He'd like to not have the kids in childcare once they're at school but can't work out the optimum scenario for that to happen. He wants to work less but at the same time suggests I give up work so he can stay at work longer and do more. It's all just a big muddle at the moment.

Frogmarching him to the GP. I could try it. The last lot of counselling was an ultimatum because he was getting so angry, so might be time for another ultimatum. He's bloody stubborn though.

And now I'm the one up at midnight stressing over this while he's asleep.

I am your husband-I’m grumpy and miserable and making my family miserable too. I’m looking for another job-I can’t sustain this. I do my fair share of childcare though and run the house (in the main). It’s a shame as I love the kids but I have to put my own family first.

Teaching drove my friend to the point of a breakdown. He quit and went to supply teaching. Loves it. Works regularly but doesn’t have all the associated crap and can pick and choose which jobs he wants. Is that an option for him?

I've been there too; he was depressed, disengaged, angry & not pulling his weight at home.

I became resentful & our relationship has not recovered from it.

He ended up "burning out" & wasn't performing at work, had 6 months off (leading to financial difficulties) & has now lost his job.

High-pressure professions are not great for those with mental health issues. He's probably not in any state of mind for clear decisions.

Make a Dr's appointment for him.

It's tough

To be honest, if he doesn't want to go and see a GP (which many teachers won't, for many good reasons - attendance, concerns with what the school may think etc.) there is little you can do.

The job does kill. I'm on my last legs with 2 more days to go. Have 3 afternoon meetings this week, the latest one of which took me until 5pm last night, leaving no time for planning, which now needs to be done at 4am to get ready in time.
The pressure and drain, especially in secondary school, where abuse from teenagers is a regular occurence, is unreal.

BUT he should at least make up for the time missed at home in the holidays. That time is precious.

Is there a marked difference in your husband during term time compared to holiday time? Last year, I was your husband. This year, after a change of schools, I am working less than I did and I work in a better environment. It may take a fair few months to change, though - decent schools are increasingly rare. Could you wait that long?

What sort of teaching job does he do? Primary, secondary (if so what subject?), does he have leadership responsibilities?

What @CottonTailRabbit said. You have choices here. He doesn't want help and he doesn't want change. You are not helping him by putting up with his awful behaviour. Your poor children. You will be doing him a favour if you don't enable him to stay put and inflict misery on the whole family. Also ignore Ladypasserine - they're talking bollocks.

This is the thing, I don't actually know what he wants. I don't think he knows. He'd like to retire, but he's a bit young for that. He'd like a different job but isn't sure what. He'd like to not have the kids in childcare once they're at school but can't work out the optimum scenario for that to happen. He wants to work less but at the same time suggests I give up work so he can stay at work longer and do more. It's all just a big muddle at the moment.

It's a muddle because he's depressed

If he received help for his MH things would become clearer