Why is it Overwhelmingly MIL/SIL Gripes?

[headinhands]

There are always numerous threads where the poster is laying into the MIL or SIL. Rarely is it about FIL or BIL. In real life I can't recall men I know moaning about FIL's or BIL's with the same frequency as I have had female friends complain about their female in-laws. Why is there such a disparity? Are women just pettier?

Whether by nature or nurture, men don't seem suffer a sense of social pressure as much as women. As a result, they feel less pressured to try and rub along and perform conventional sociability with personalities that might cause friction. With less pressure and less friction comes less conflict.

In essence, men give each other more space.

Mixture of reasons, I think. Perhaps not that women are “pettier”, but that there’s more likely to be rivalry and competition between women in extended families for being the best mother and wife than between men for being the best father and husband. Women are judged for their ability to maintain the perfect social media worthy lifestyle, house and family far more than men are - leading some women to feel the need to undercut their female relatives to appear to be the best at this. Far less is expected of men in terms of their roles in families; so they get to just coast rather than prove themselves.

So their need to be seen as sociable causes the conflict? Sounds like we have a bit to learn from men.

We are mums net so mostly mum complaining not men. Also mums (massively generalising here) raise children so are more likely to overstep when their children grow up/ not understand boundaries change as children grow up. FIL was at work when husband was growing up so hasn't entered his mind to let himself in my house to clean it better than us/watch us sleep. Whereas MIL has as its something she used to do what husband was younger.

Women are judged for their ability to maintain the perfect social media worthy lifestyle,

Is it mainly the women themselves doing the judging. It all looks so ridiculous when it's laid out like that.

A lot of it is about wifework. MiLs seeing it as the DiL's responsibility to organise stays, send cards, bring the grandkids round, keep the house tidy because she did it all. DiLs only speaking to the MiL on the phone because FiL hands it straight over and goes back to watching golf (my dad).

There's just less social contact between the men. My DH and DF only really talk about sport!

SiLs is different though. That's often about competition, especially as it's the sister of the DH and not the wife of DH's brother.

We are mums net so mostly mum complaining not men

As I said in my op it a feature that I've seen in rl too so can't be accounted this way.

Whereas MIL has as its something she used to do what husband was younger.

Sorry, I don't understand?

There's just less social contact between the men.

So can't we just emulate their style of relationships with in-laws instead of both female parties desperate to appear all friendly and amenable but actually seeming through their teeth. It's so laughable but so sad.

My MIL has let herself in my house and cleaned it as we didn't clean to her standards. She also let herself in and watched us sleep. She used to do this when DH was younger- watch him sleep and clean his room after he did. She doesn't understand that now he is an adult that the dynamic has changed and it isn't appropriate. As DH father never did this it hasn't entered his mind. I was trying to show with examples that MIL often don't understand that relationships with their sons need to change when they grow up and leads to more MIL issues?

SiLs is different though. That's often about competition, especially as it's the sister of the DH and not the wife of DH's brother.

But I've not seen the opposite in real life. I've not seen male friends bitching about BIL's like female friends do about SIL.

MIL often don't understand that relationships with their sons need to change when they grow up and leads to more MIL issues?

Why might that not understand this, that relationships need to adapt, where's men seem to find it easier, hence the lack of male relative conflict.

I have! I know two men who have for example had to go on holiday with wife's sister and her family while thinking her H is a prize douchebag.

MIL often don't understand that relationships with their sons need to change when they grow up and leads to more MIL issues?

Also why have I not heard men complaining about their mums overstepping boundaries in real life? Again it's the female partners.

can't we just emulate their style of relationships

Well, we can try. But social conditioning is a powerful thing. I can do as DH does with my mum with his mum - but I can't change the fact that MiL would be offended by that approach, while my mum isn't.

It would take all of us (ALL of us) deciding to just opt out overnight to change the social contract that quickly!

It would take all of us (ALL of us) deciding to just opt out overnight to change the social contract that quickly!

I do t agree. There have been massive changes in attitudes over history that certainly didn't occur overnight. It takes time and growing awareness.

In think between my generation of 70s born women and the mils born in the 40s to early 50s there was a vast shift in women's expectations.

Where I'm from in working class society, post war young families often lived with the young wives' families for a few years until they had children and then moved into their own home. That was the scenario where stereotypically the young man came into conflict with the wife's mum: this and the prior culture of living with family close by sets the scene for Les Dawson with his long repetoire of man v mother in law jokes.

(This is a view from my personal experience, obviously not all situation are the same though.)
But most commonly the women are usually the lead of the household when it comes to making arrangements for the children and the family as a whole.
My mil and I clash as she expected to lead our family as well as her own and that caused our conflicts. So I suppose it is about each woman showing dominance over the other.
The men in my life are very laid back and easy going so try to keep the peace.

As for the Sil dynamic I have never really understood that at all.

That was the scenario where stereotypically the young man came into conflict with the wife's mum: this and the prior culture of living with family close by sets the scene for Les Dawson with his long repetoire of man v mother in law jokes.

But these women aren't living together?

My dad and his very nasty bil had a slight fisticuffs once.
They never met again.

I think just sticking to sport chat is fine tbh.

I had half my DHs family stay for 3 weeks in the summer. MIL was a delight, SIL was nice enough and we got along ok.
FIL is an absolute nightmare and I fully lost my shit at BIL and threatened to rip his fucking head off.

A lot of it is about wifework. MiLs seeing it as the DiL's responsibility to organise stays, send cards, bring the grandkids round, keep the house tidy because she did it all.

This. I, on the other hand, do not do 'wifework'. I have a demanding job, divide childcare and domestic chores with DH though he currently does the lion's share because he's working more from home and I'm having a particularly demanding patch at work and regard contact with DH's family, whom I like, as his issue. Our cleaner retired in the summer, and we haven't replaced her yet, so I'm doing slightly more cleaning to balance DH doing all the cooking and shopping, but I'm not particularly concerned by the tidiness of the house.

My MiL and SiLs, all of whom I genuinely like, but who have led very different lives to me (SAHMs, large numbers of children, a lot of importance put in home-making, cleanliness, family relationships and get-togethers, with men allocated the roles of watching sport, saying 'I dunno' is asked about anything other than the offside rule and acting as providers) do not get me, and think that I am a chilly 'career woman' who is blameworthy in only having one child by choice, but that really isn't my problem.

It would take all of us (ALL of us) deciding to just opt out overnight to change the social contract that quickly!

You're under that social pressure again. You could just.... stop. And then when people try to apply that social pressure, ignore it. It's not actually a force of nature, we've just been socialised to treat it like one. Individuals refusing to comply is what changes society, rather than waiting for everyone to be on the same page to avoid the social stigma.

Sorry op if I wasn't clear : the mil of the old jokes was generally standing up for her daughter and family - as she saw it!- against the son in law. It reflected the social set up of the time.

I think for my generation it was the vast difference in domestic expectations now versus what how the in laws generation did that have caused a lot of conflict.