Why is it Overwhelmingly MIL/SIL Gripes?

[headinhands]

There are always numerous threads where the poster is laying into the MIL or SIL. Rarely is it about FIL or BIL. In real life I can't recall men I know moaning about FIL's or BIL's with the same frequency as I have had female friends complain about their female in-laws. Why is there such a disparity? Are women just pettier?

It's would be interesting to know how, despite the historical norms, there are many who do navigate the relationship without the thinly veiled anger.

But most commonly the women are usually the lead of the household when it comes to making arrangements for the children and the family as a whole.
Or else they are expected to - by MILs of an older generation - so any slacking is taken as a failure of the current generation of mothers.
Coupled with the expectation by an

BTW I am probably about the same age as the MILs who are being slated by most of you (50s) and many of those posting blame interference/CFness/plain batshitness on the MIL's age. I can assure you that it isn't.

I know people who get on with their younger in-laws. They treat everyone with a bit of respect and don't weigh in on the side of their child. They let their child be an adult in a re!ationship. If they are partial to their own ( and lets face it you'd expect them to be!) they are wise enough not to make it obvious!

Now I have a young adult child I can see how my mental map is always a bit behind their development. The protective feelings are still there too of course. It would be easy to overstep the mark.

I just read op that you think maybe we have a lot to learn from men.

At this point I have to say I think you are barking up the wrong tree!

You don't think we could learn anything from looking at the differences between how the sexes navigate relationships regardless of the source such as nature/nurture? Do you think men could learn something from workmen?

Workmen???? Women 😂

Personally no.

I learn best from concrete examples I see operating over time. Generalising to what 50 % of the population kind-of-maybe-do isn't helpful to me.

My generalised observations about men and wider family ties would lead me to reject modelling their behavior. Whereas there are individuals I do choose to learn from.

Women are more complicated in my opinion.

They are more vocal about things they aren't happy about.

My DM was once ticked off with how Dsis MIL was behaving and wanted to raise the issue with BIL. My DF agreed it was bad behaviour but said it ignore it.

Its just like when little girls fall out with a friend in school. They rally other girls round and isolate or get bitchy.

Boys fall out and play football together the next day.

I agree with you OP. Men don't complain as much about FILS or BILS.

Because, basically, the patriarchy.

Women are often stuck in a powerless dynamic, responsible for all the wifework and drudgery, while society teaches us to view men as being somehow superior, above all the 'petty' family nonsense.

Men just aren't involved in day to day life in some families the way that the female members are, so it falls to the women to sort out the minutiae of life.

It would be interesting to see if the dynamic changes in families with SAHDs.

Well, in our case, both our dads died when we were young, so I don't have a FIL, nor does my dh. But my MIL does have a partner and we hate him and are completely NC with him. I vaguely tolerate her because she is all my dh has in terms of a parent and really all my dc have in terms of a grandparent, but she's still done some awful stuff that causes a lot of hurt to my dc and could have put them at serious risk of harm. For the record though, my BIL and SIL are great.

It seems to be the mothers of sons that are the nightmare MIL (although not all obviously) . whether this relates to the view that the woman in her DS life is competition I don't know. It was in my experience, she had to get the best presents, she was the 'best' cook and as I got better she bought her DS a cook book for himself, at Xmas I got socks, criticized me personally and did the same to her other DS wife, house not clean enough, DC not getting what they need, issue was that she had never worked and was a 'house wife'. She is proud of that and that (she was lucky to have that choice!) is how she has defined herself. Hence she feels able to sit on a pedestal and point out our flaws as females. Myself and my SIL are full time working professionals and she and the FIL hates that my SIL earns more than her DS! Anyway if i was coming on MN it wouldn't be her that I complain about as over the years all that nonsense stopped. However FIL is an angry, unpleasant, misogynist and is a foul man.... he didn't speak to me and my OH or see our DC because 'I' didn't send him a birthday card as its my responsibility as 'women' in his family over the generations are responsible for that. Easy to target me and not their DS......

I' d find the over the generations thing quite funny. When were birthday cards even invented?!

This does remind me though if I don't get on with my mil it was my fil who was the most unpleasant influence in their home imo. Her having a go at me was a case of the cabin boy kicking the cat.

So no I won't be taking lessons from men thanks very much..

so it falls to the women to sort out the minutiae of life.

Wouldn't it be overwhelmingly the norm as in literally all females having these issues? What's happening when there are none and the females don't have that dynamic?

ts just like when little girls fall out with a friend in school. They rally other girls round and isolate or get bitchy

Wouldn't it be preferable for all of us to adopt this approach and just spend less time ruminating on slights, even perceived and potential slights?

Women work less, most of all when having a baby. During this huge life transition they are at home and their mil is in contact often more than ever before , causing angst. If men had to have babies and also spend entire days with their fil suddenly it might be different.

Idk, I don't have a MIL to fight with so instead fight with FIL. DH and my step-dad fight a lot as well. One thing I've noticed is that when we fight, we fight and then we move on and are friends again a couple of days later with everything forgotten. Nobody is holding any grudges from 15 years ago. If you read threads on here there is always a lot of grudge holding and Op will give a very detailed description about that time MIL/SIL glanced at them sidways at approximately 5:43pm on 06/11/03 that has nothing to do with the situation at hand but she's gonna shout it loudly to the world anyway.

Women seem more .. sensitive (I don't mean that in a negative way), intuitive, finer social & communication on average than men.
Many men tend to be oblivious to the 'finer,' points of interaction. They don't usually bother with all the offence taking and verbal point scoring and power playing; if they really really don't get on, they generally just say bluntly or come to blows. It's why girls and boys often have distinct, different types of bullying.

The girls' will be a lot more emotional and social, boys tend to be blunt insults and physical attacks.

(Finer social awareness and power structures).

I know a relatively blokey bloke and he was totally unfazed by insults/snideness from an ex colleague of his (relayed by the colleagues brother, whom I knew separately) and continued to be friendly with him and hold no grudge. I was amazed, some men have hides like rhino, compared to me anyway.

I’m a Mil and was born in the late 50s I was also a single parent to my son. I have been married but I have always been the only parent to my child. So I suppose I should be the Mil from hell.
I love my DIL and I think she is a fabulous person, she and my DS have 2 DC and she is a wonderful mother. I miss her if I don’t see her for a while. I stay with them to help with childcare and I love spending time with them as a family.
If I’m asked for advice I give it otherwise I keep quiet because things were very different 40 years ago when my DS was born. It is possible to have a good relationship with a DIL. The way I look at is that my DS loves her and he has chosen to spend his life with her. I trust his judgment, after all I brought him up and that’s good enough for me.

During this huge life transition they are at home and their mil is in contact often more than ever before

So why isn't it more the status quo? Why isn't there a clear distinction between mothers who are a sahp and those who aren't?&

They don't usually bother with all the offence taking and verbal point scoring and power playing;

In what way would it be negative for women to adopt such an 'air.'

In what way would it be negative for women to adopt such an 'air.'

It wouldn't lol.

But that's the point; they'd have adopt it, whereas most men seem to be oblivious/rhino hided naturally.

(Obviously there are females who are like that too, though not the majority ime).

I think a lot of problems occur because some women think that they should be the only woman in their husbands life and get almost jealous of the relationship their husband has with his mother.

OP, you asked why these dynamics exist. I don't think posters explaining the reasons is the same thing as justifying them!