Why is it Overwhelmingly MIL/SIL Gripes?

[headinhands]

There are always numerous threads where the poster is laying into the MIL or SIL. Rarely is it about FIL or BIL. In real life I can't recall men I know moaning about FIL's or BIL's with the same frequency as I have had female friends complain about their female in-laws. Why is there such a disparity? Are women just pettier?

I see a lot of threads complaining about MIL and its actually the FIL really but his wife gets the blame (or its as much the FIL but he doesn't get mentioned) its like he's exempt from knowing something isn't right but she just should know.

Yy grasspigeons and I've also seen similar complaining about something sister in law has or hasn't done, when it's actually the brothers fault. Eg, bday gift not bought for a man's niece or nephew - it's his wife's fault as there is no expectation that a man would remember or buy gifts for his family.

Many FILs have little or nothing to do with their family, so it's hard to have a conflict with them. You couldn't find them to have it.

As a general rule, women are socialised to be responsible for relationships and communication and the generally running of a family, 'wifework'. This brings them far more frequently into contact with mother- and sister-in-laws than father- and brother-in-laws, and in the same sphere so conflict is more likely to arise.

Men also have the advantage that the areas they are socialised to be responsible for (earning money 'providing', strength, practical usefulness), what would be called petty and laughable conflict in women, is seems as natural male competitiveness and almost encouraged or at least understood. I know plenty of men who compete with or are jealous of male family members re paycheques or cars or something.

Well to tell the truth, three of my closest friends are the mothers of adult boys and they do tend not to like their girlfriends and wives. Mind you I have had to kick my ex-son-in-law out of my house a couple of times, so who am I to criticise.

These are very difficult relationships all round.

A lot of it is about wifework. MiLs seeing it as the DiL's responsibility to organise stays, send cards, bring the grandkids round, keep the house tidy because she did it all. DiLs only speaking to the MiL on the phone because FiL hands it straight over and goes back to watching golf (my dad).

Gosh yes to this. I was thinking about it only the other day. My Grandmother and possibly her Mother were very domineering difficult women. Whenever we visited My brother and I would go downstairs to see our Great Grandmother. I thought she was ok but I was young then! My dad really did not like going to see her (or his mum for that matter). He later wrote about his family (A kind of history complete with family tree) and I found out some more about these two women. Although not as bad as son MILs you read about on here, it was noticeable that both my Dad and Uncle would rarely visit and Mum and my Aunt would have to nag them.

My Grandmother would complain to my mum that my Aunt would not let my Uncle visit and I know she said the same to my Aunt about Mum!

My Grandma used to come to us every Christmas and she used to feel slighted by nothing so in every photo she has her 'face' on.

I once stayed with my Grandparents while everyone else in my family was in a caravan. This was my Grandma's choice! She then had a face on everyday about us going off on trips (we were on holiday!!!). My dad had to make amends. Bloody hell it was awkward!

One thing though, she could not criticize mum and my Aunt for the way they parented. She worked all hours herself (sadly because of her situation, not because she was a high flying career woman).

I realise I have not mentioned my Grandad. Sadly he was very much in the background. She always answered for him so I never really got to know him, only through what my Dad told me.

I forgot to say, my Aunt and Uncle lived with them when first married. My Aunt said there was always an atmosphere. I noticed that whenever we were ordered over for Sunday tea. I was always told to let my Great Grandma know that tea was ready and as she came upstairs, Grandma would always bristle.

Going against the grain, I adore my entire in-law family, and if we ever parted ways, I'd stay in touch with them regardless

Yes there are some fantastic MIls and FIls out there. Terrific especially if your own family has gone or are not around for whatever reason.

The best in-laws like the best parents are not domineering, accept who you have married (even if it is with gritted teeth), offer advice when asked for etc and don't favour one child/grandchild over another. In short they are decent people!!!

I agree with everything AnOtherNomdePlume has said.

Men "bitch" (horrible, mysoginist phrase) and have conflict as much as women do. When I was growing up, IL jokes were about MILs and Son ILs. Conflict between female relatives are a reflection on societal changes and gender expectations. Seeing this as a female issue is shortsighted.

I don't have a MIL problem, I have a DH problem and maybe the answer is to shift the responsibility for conflict resolution back to that relationship rather than the dil in the middle? DH tries to stay below the radar for an easier life it just causes more trouble. If DH and his Dmum had a better, more mature relationship we'd all get along better. They still have a child parent relationship in many ways and conflict stems from that in my experience. MIL expects to talk to me about petty issues and sort them out, DH is happy to delegate this to me, I'm having NONE of it.

I have a good relationship with all my ILs. At times there is tension iny MIL/SIL relationships and more so here than any other combination. I don't feel I have to fit into their family, I think there should be give and take. Also MIL feels there should be due respect because I think that what she was expected to do with her MIL. Time has moved on and if respect is only expected one way, then it's contempt.

Isn't it just a result of different approaches by men and women?

Very generally women who have 'issues' deal with them in a more emotional and manipulative way and men with issues deal with it in a more physical and controlling way. Is male violence and abuse the flip side of the coin here?

The reason that it isn't the status quo as you put, is that most people are fairly normal well rounded people and so don't have these issues e.g. narcessism or other disorders. You could just as easily ask why you don't see many examples of violence in women. We simply don't react to pressure in that way either by nature or socialisation. Perhaps that is the equivalent 'coping' stratagy for men. It would be interesting to compare number of awful mother in laws with violent father in laws. Don't they both result from an attempt to control and intimidate all be it in different ways?

I also think that in some cases, a mothers main purpose and thing she can control most become her house hold and children so will struggle with a change in dynamic. That has been 'her job' for decades after all. Imagine if you were in a job for 20-30 years and considered yourself an expert in that role. Then some junior bitch 20 years younger got promoted to an equivalent position to yours managing YOUR employees. Not hard to imagine you would be pisses off. Now imagine if that happened in your FAMILY to your CHILDREN! It isn't hard to imagine that women who have issues like, insecurity, possessiveness etc could take things too far once this change happens.

In my case MIL was the only one to voice her judgemental religious opinion on how DH(her ds) and I raised our children (on several occasions). Whether FIL cared or not we'll never know as he prefers to not talk at all.

I did almost laugh out loud when mil was inviting her siblings to a party I was presuming to be but actually never hosting!! Something fil would never do :organize/host/invite or expect an invite to anything.

Dh prefers to never challenge his mother but also not bow to her pressure either because he knows I haven't. Which tells me in a way that he's grown up being taught to just leave it when it comes to women and their opinions.

So she voices her disappointment etc and we leave her too it to finish her and get on with our lives unchanged.

Sil (Dh sis) also only ever communicates with me as her brother my Dh surprise surprise prefers not to talk!
I recently decided id enough of being the messenger and forward all messages to him to deal with/reply to.
As for mil i just make sure Dh doesn't get to disappear off when visiting his own family, why bother visiting to avoid being in same room as them!
In Dhs family the men just don't talk to anyone in their immediate family including other males beyond the score on the match.

How that can be changed i don't know. Dh has a superficial relationship with his entire very small family and theirs is the same with him.