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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner always threatens to break up with me and I beg him to stay! Help!

76 replies

Mason4572 · 19/12/2018 00:39

Hey Guys, I have been with my partner almost 2 years. We don't live together and have children to previous relationships. He is always good to me by buying me things and helping with groceries etc but I need some help as I'm starting to lose myself. Every time we argue, he breaks up with me. This could be a tiny fight or argument and he either tells me to leave or he leaves. I have depression and sometimes cry and he says to me he cant deal with me being upset all the time. Last night I got upset about the baby we lost( I terminated as i was told by him if I kept it he would leave) I told him how much he hurt me, he straight away went to get out of my house and broke up with me, I begged him to stay, I call 20 times until he answers and then I always end up apologising. I know I sound pathetic but I feel some sense of entrapment. Over the past 6 mths we have had a few arguments and he has left every time breaking up with me and me begging him back.

I am a very calm and I never yell or scream or call him names or anything but when we fight he yells and belittles me and I just stand there crying and begging him to stop.

I need advice guys. Is this him being controlling or does he really want out of the relationship? I dont know where to go or who to turn to. I starting to feel like its emotional abuse and its wearing me down.

Once he over the argument and stops ignoring me he will go on to be very loving and spend money on me. Please any advice would be great.

Krystal

OP posts:
ChoudeBruxelles · 19/12/2018 10:03

Just tell him ok.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/12/2018 11:32

Mason

Don’t you get bored of doing the same thing over and over.

You say something

He doesn’t like it. So ends it and leaves.

You cry and phone him 20+ times

He ignores you

Then he brings you a present/money etc and you get back together.

Then you say something

He doesn’t like it. So ends it and leaves.......

And so on and so on

It is a boring way to live.

Try something new like when he leaves not actually calling.

Just go out and have a good time.

ChristmasFlary · 19/12/2018 22:41

But if she does something else, she won't be able to start ANOTHER thread about the same man

Mason4572 · 19/12/2018 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2018 23:10

You may feel trapped but you're not trapped. You can stop this any time you choose.

The interesting question here is why you don't choose. What are you getting from this situation that you crave? This isn't just about low self esteem, it's way beyond that.

Loka123 · 19/12/2018 23:11

He has the mindset of a toddler. Imagine if a toddler asks their parent for sweets. The parent says no. The toddler starts crying, getting angry, throwing tantrums etc. IF at this stage, the parent gives in and buys the child a sweet, it's rewarding their behaviour and conditioning them that crying, tantrum, etc. will get them what they want.

He is doing the same - he is gaining control over you and the situation by sulking, storming off, etc. to provoke your feelings of potential abandonment to come to the surface, you beg him to come back (making him feel powerful i.e. shifting power and control to him) and he gets what he wants (you feeling you were wrong and trying to pamper him). So he never has to compromise on anything. He sounds awful. Ignore all the nice things he does afterwards - that's only to keep you in line and enable his behaviour. He knows if he continually treats you bad without positive reinforcement, you will eventually tire of him and leave. You're probably viewing this emotionally due to your feelings toward him and because you have depression. From an objective point of view, run.

I think if every time he broke up and ran away from you, if you didn't call him back, he'd be back around himself after a while but who wants to play this awful back and forth forever.

Loka123 · 19/12/2018 23:13

The first day after leaving will probably be the hardest but with each day it gets easier day by day until hopefully after a few months, it doesn't hurt anymore. Unfortunately, as with alcohol, drugs and junk food, the short term effect of quitting something which is bad for you is always terrible and makes you feel bad, yet the long term benefits are more than worth it.

Original poster
Mason4572 · 19/12/2018 23:15

Thank you Loka123, you are wonderful in what you have said, I know what I have to do now. Rip the bandaid off. Thank you for your amaing words of support x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mason4572 · 19/12/2018 23:21

Can I also ask you something? After we fight he bascially ignores me. This is a man who texts me every 20 mins a day when we are good telling me how amazing I am, days after a argument he retreats to a few texts a day. Do you think this is a control tactic or punishment for my behaviour?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 20/12/2018 00:20

This is a man who texts me every 20 mins a day when we are good telling me how amazing I am

This would put most people off.

Yes it is controlling texting several times per day let alone texting several times per hour

wheresthehope · 20/12/2018 00:38

You managed before you meet him, You WILL manage once you find the strength to leave.
Hes an arsehole and you deserve so much better

AgentJohnson · 20/12/2018 05:48

End this toxic relationship now! You’re not powerless but you are choosing to be.

Whatever desperate hole your trying to fill by keeping this man child around, it obviously isn’t working.

SuperSange · 20/12/2018 06:31

You don't even live together!! He's not your partner, he's a boyfriend. This is really easy. Change your number, block on sm, job done. People have offered you very good advice repeatedly now, over the last few month. Only you can do something. I feel sorry for your children.

gonzo77 · 20/12/2018 06:45

I was you. I know how hard it is to leave, but for the sake of your sanity ditch him before Christmas. Shut the door on the world and enjoy Christmas with your children without him making it into another drama.

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2018 07:28

@Oliversmumsarmy
@ChristmasFlary
@BarbarianMum

Do any of you understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship at all? The only reason a woman would beg to have a man like this in her life is because he has ground her down that much that she feels worthless without him. He is a bully and with your comments, you are too. If you can't help the op, or have done so in the past and don't want to now, move on. No on is making you stay here.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2018 08:23

Screw off different Yes I'm intimately acquainted with this sort of situation, 40 years and counting. Fact is the OP doesnt live with this guy, isnt financially dependent on him and don't have children together. "Trapped" is not what's happening here, "dependent" is what's happening here. They are quite different. Until the OP works out what's holding her -and it will be something inside her, not to do with him (the abusive behaviour is to do with him obviously) - then she'll never get free.

deepwatersolo · 20/12/2018 08:33

Until the OP works out what's holding her -and it will be something inside her, not to do with him (the abusive behaviour is to do with him obviously) - then she'll never get free.

This. I would consider not just counselling, but therapy, OP. This may very well have to do with some unhealthy pattern that may have been ingrained in you during childhood. You may need to understand yourself in order to break the cycle. And in order to not end up in the same spot with a different man.

Bekabeech · 20/12/2018 09:15

You need to go out and find some real life support!

If you are in the UK you could phone Women's aid and try the Freedom Programme.

Wherever you are go and get some counselling/therapy. Take steps as if you are trying to beat an addiction.

You can do this. You should do this. But no one can do it for you.

ChristmasFlary · 20/12/2018 11:24

I agree with BarbarianMum. I too have experienced emotional abuse as l already put earlier but l took responsibility for myself and did something about it. Yes my ex left me but l never begged him to come back, l am worth more than that.

Instead of sending me another abusive inbox @Mason4572 maybe you can channel that spirit and anger and get out of this relationship.

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2018 11:30

@BarbarianMum No need to be so abrasive.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/12/2018 11:35

differentnameforthis

Yes I do understand EAsnd abusive relationships. Not me personally but am helping a friend through her divorce atm.

I haven’t said anything different to friend in rl than I have said to Mason

At the moment although friend is no longer living with her abusive ex she is letting him consume her every thought.

It is trying to get friend to realise that her whole life and thinking patterns has to stop and a different approach to life has to be put into place.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2018 03:08

@Oliversmumsarmy it was your response of "Don’t you get bored of doing the same thing over and over." that I found dismissive and unhelpful. It's not like op thinks this is a barrel of laughs.

CJsGoldfish · 22/12/2018 03:25

It's easy to say leave and I am sure we would give that same advice to our girlfriends. But our heart makes us do crazy things

This has got nothing to do with anyone's 'heart' and it's far from helpful to say it is.
This.Is.Not.Love

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/12/2018 04:15

It wasn’t meant to be dismissive.

It is like you doing the same thing day in and day out hoping each day will be different.

But it still turns out the same.

At some point it something in you clicks and it gets boring and you suddenly realise that you have to change the script in order to change the outcome

Mason you must know deep down that the same things happen each time and once there is a realisation that no matter what you do nothing will change it will be like a switch going off.
and you will look at things differently

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2018 09:15

@Oliversmumsarmy Perhaps I just read it wrong. Smile

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