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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner always threatens to break up with me and I beg him to stay! Help!

76 replies

Mason4572 · 19/12/2018 00:39

Hey Guys, I have been with my partner almost 2 years. We don't live together and have children to previous relationships. He is always good to me by buying me things and helping with groceries etc but I need some help as I'm starting to lose myself. Every time we argue, he breaks up with me. This could be a tiny fight or argument and he either tells me to leave or he leaves. I have depression and sometimes cry and he says to me he cant deal with me being upset all the time. Last night I got upset about the baby we lost( I terminated as i was told by him if I kept it he would leave) I told him how much he hurt me, he straight away went to get out of my house and broke up with me, I begged him to stay, I call 20 times until he answers and then I always end up apologising. I know I sound pathetic but I feel some sense of entrapment. Over the past 6 mths we have had a few arguments and he has left every time breaking up with me and me begging him back.

I am a very calm and I never yell or scream or call him names or anything but when we fight he yells and belittles me and I just stand there crying and begging him to stop.

I need advice guys. Is this him being controlling or does he really want out of the relationship? I dont know where to go or who to turn to. I starting to feel like its emotional abuse and its wearing me down.

Once he over the argument and stops ignoring me he will go on to be very loving and spend money on me. Please any advice would be great.

Krystal

OP posts:
subspace · 19/12/2018 04:55

Where's your self respect? Find it, and fast. Nobody gets to treat you this badly repeatedly. It's not going to get better if you stay with him, and you're worth a million times more than this. He "can't deal with you crying" but is quite happy to shout at and mentally torture you. Sod that, next time he walks away lock the door behind him.

Miggeldy · 19/12/2018 05:03

Oh please.
Ditch this colossal that.
Do yourself a favour.

Miggeldy · 19/12/2018 05:03

Twat.
Stupid phone.

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2018 05:07

Yep, next time he says he's leaving then let him go or even better, break up with him yourself

FruminousBandersnatch · 19/12/2018 05:11

He texts other women
He yells at you and belittles you
He breaks up with you as a way of controlling your reactions to him
He manipulated you into a termination

I’m willing to bet this isn’t a complete list, is it?

You are worth way, way more than this. Find some self respect and do the leaving yourself.

fieryginger · 19/12/2018 05:27

Next time say, "ok, seeya" don't let him treat you like dirt. This will never stop whilst you let him have this power over you. You deserve better than him.

ChristmasFlary · 19/12/2018 05:59

I'm going to be blunt. He doesn't want you. He is just with you until someone else comes along.

Get some self respect and break up with him for good.

NEVER beg someone to stay, that's just humiliating. If they wanted to stay they would.

Found out my husband of nearly 20 yrs had been having an affair last year. He also was emotionally abusive over the years so l felt very worn down too... BUT.... l asked him twice if we were going to sort out our marriage. He said no. I grew a pair and told him to leave. Not once did l beg him to stay even though my emotional, financial and indeed my life for over 20yrs was crumbling.

You are in a much better position than l ever was.

Get some self respect and leave

Trevorwhatever · 19/12/2018 07:16

Op you are completely addicted to this man, you are not in love with him. You have been conditioned to accept poor treatment from him and are stuck in this bizarre ritual of begging and apologising to stop him from leaving. The highs and the lows of this drama has got you to a stage where you’ll accept any poor treatment from him.

If you tell him to leave and then go no contact you will struggle emotionally for a few weeks while you adjust to your new life without him. It will probably feel like the end of the world for a short while but it really isn’t. It’s just the start of you putting yourself back together. It is so worth going through this emotional struggle just so you can get your head out of this fog and view the relationship with fresh eyes. You’ll then see it for the abusive mess it really is.

At the minute you’re acting on autopilot and behaving how you’ve been conditioned to behave, anything to stop him from leaving. You have to take some responsibility, your actions of begging and pleading him to stay are helping to perpetuate your misery.

Break the cycle. Let him leave and don’t contact him. Block him on all social media and on your phone so that he can’t contact you and wheedle his way back in. Imagine a life free from misery, no crying, no soul destroying begging and pleading, happy children seeing their mother flourish... this could be you. But you need to step up and tough out no contact with him. Good luck op.

MessyBun247 · 19/12/2018 07:29

Great advice from Trevor.

ManchesterMum63 · 19/12/2018 07:33

Why are you 'chasing' somebody who clearly disrespects you? Ringing him 20 times?? Let him go...

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 07:34

This won't stop as long as you allow. Be glad you don't have children with him...as you can make a clean break.

Look at getting some counselling for yourself. You know this isn't right and only you can stop his abuse by getting rid of him.

He will chip away at your self esteem till you become a shadow of your former self.

Thespace · 19/12/2018 07:35

There is no way your children are not seeing at least some of this arguing, leaving, crying, begging and pleading.

magoria · 19/12/2018 07:39

Your poor kids.

Please don't let a shit like this in or to be an influence in their lives.

They may not see the fights but don't kid yourself they are unaffected.

If you can't end it for you end it for them.

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 07:41

I need advice guys. Is this him being controlling or does he really want out of the relationship?

Who cares? Leave him for your own santity that that of your kid(s). The only reason for you to stay is to buy some time to get your ducks in the row and then, once you know where to go or how to throw him out, leave him. In the worst case scenario this can't take longer than a year (if you need to save money,...).
Get out!

cakecakecheese · 19/12/2018 07:47

He's never going to change because he can treat you how he likes and if you challenge it he threatens to leave and you beg him to stay. He has no respect for you. This is no way to live your life.

ShatnersWig · 19/12/2018 07:53

If it helps you OP, or any other poster (!), here's the first paragraph of your previous five threads about this "relationship". In every case, every said this was not a relationship and you should leave. Yet sometimes you come back just a couple of weeks later with almost identical postings.

Now, have a read back at all this, OP, and what advice would you give to someone else who was posting this repeatedly? I think you know the answer.

May 25 (Relationships)
My ex and i spilt up a month ago after I found texts from another women telling her how beautiful she was. I ended it then and there, he never reached out to me and left me in a state for 3 weeks. I met someone at the gym and slept with him unprotected once. Never believing i would get back with my ex. Now we are working things out and i dont know if i should tell him or not and feel so much guilt?

Aug 22 (Relationships)
My partner and I broke up for a month 3 months ago and I slept with someone else in that time. My partner and I decided to give things another go and I never told him about that one night. I broke up with him cause he was hiding a 3 day message a thon with another women and didn't hear from him for the month. Thought it was really over.

Aug 23 (Relationships)
I need some advice. My partner of a year has his mum live with him cause he husband left her a year ago and is devastated which I've always been sympathetic of. She helps with his daughter dropping her to school etc. Lately i have found that it seems to me she wants to be more of a girlfriend to her son rather than a mother. She always seems to be in competition with me, the other day she messaged to say she brought him new sheets and was booking him for a facial, another time telling me about all these trips they have organised together which never happened or was even spoken about. She seems to mother him alot and he is 32. I'm starting to become annoyed by it and feel its a massive turn off. How do i approach my partner in telling him that his mum needs to start having her own life and how can I feel like this relationship is going somewhere when his mum is so involved?

Sept 19 (Pregnancy)
Just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Here I am excited and happy to tell my partner. His reaction. Get rid of it. After numerous arguments he says that if I keep it we will co parent it, broken up. I feel hurt, sad and alone. We have been together for 15 mths and I don't want to have an abortion. Should I leave him now?

Sept 27 (Pregnancy)
Hi guys. I have just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant to my partner of 16 mths. Our relationship hasn't been fantastic but we love each other, or so I thought. I have 2 kids who are 10 and 9 and he has one who is 5. We dont live together. He has given me a serious ultimatum. Keep the baby and he will leave or abort and we will stay together. I'm so confused as I dont want to abort but I'm scared to be a single mum of 3. We are still together atm but I am starting to resent him for what he is making me do. He said he will do parent this child broken up. Any advice?

MessyBun247 · 19/12/2018 07:59

OP you really need to work on your self-esteem. For some reason you don’t think you deserve better than this absolutely shit relationship with a man who doesn’t care if you are there or not. You need to break free and take time to just be by yourself and figure out what makes you happy.

Life is too short to stay stuck in something that makes you miserable.

shiveringtimber · 19/12/2018 08:07

OP, it seems likely that your BF is a narcissist. It's extremely difficult to get away from this personality type. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If he is in fact a narc, knowing there is no cure for this disorder may help you to save yourself and your children from endless abuse and heartbreak.Thanks

richierichardsaunt · 19/12/2018 08:09

He wants a pet who will do what he wants when he wants whilst he does what he wants and 'pet' can't complain because he is the prize.

You are also teaching your children how to accept/give in a relationship.
I know you say he doesn't treat you badly in front of the children but, believe me, they know.

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 08:38

We dont live together.

Just read in your older posts that you don't even live together, OP. Jesus just leave him for good. Now. Don't do this to your kids. They deserve a mother who respects herself.

wizzywig · 19/12/2018 08:47

Op, in my early 20s i was in a similar situation. Then i just let him go. And he couldnt handle that the tables had turned. It was so funny. Suddenly he was chasing me and i was "nope, you said we should break up. I think thats the best thing". Aaah so satisfying. And dont look back. Never give so much power to someone else

ArcheryAnnie · 19/12/2018 08:52

Oh, OP. You know this man isn't good for you. Your life with him isn't going to get better - you know this. It's also not doing your kids any good at all.

Try calling the Freedom Programme to see if there's a free course near you, which will help you find the strength to stay away from him.
01942 262 270. Tell them about him making you terminate a pregnancy.

Flowers
differentnameforthis · 19/12/2018 09:23

I starting to feel like its emotional abuse because it is.

and its wearing me down This is what it is designed to do. He has you thinking you cannot function with out him, he has reeled you.

I know you were upset about the termination, but I think it has proved a good thing because you can run from him knowing you have no life long commitment.

End it now. Do not take him back.

differentnameforthis · 19/12/2018 09:39

He just texted me and said he needs to work on himself to get motivation back to not always end it the relationship and have the energy to fit for it This is great! Tell him it's time it all ended anyway. And good luck working on himself (because he fucking needs to*)

*don't write that!

but he also knows its unhealthy for the both of you and does want it to end it at the time. He really doesn't want to end it. He wants you to think you cannot function without him and he is making you do the dance to get him back. It's control. The whole thing is about his control over you. The more you beg, you more you will have to beg. Then it will be "I only come back because no one else will have you" and when he escalates he'll say "you asked me to come back" and when he's bored of talking, he'll start hitting.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2018 10:00

Please raise your bar OP.
What an awful relationship model for your poor DC!
The little woman will beg and plead just to keep 'A MAN'
Fuck that.
You don't need a man.
Please get out there and find yourself.
And show your DC that you are strong and independent and that you don't put up with bullshit.

Honestly, you need some help here.
Please get some counselling.
If in the UK then please contact Womens Aid.
Ensure you do their Freedom Programme asap.
This guy is abusive.
He's vile.
He's horrible.
End this - for the good of your DC and your own mental health.