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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of affection

56 replies

Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:25

Hi. My 1st time posting. Really need some advice.
I have been with my partner over 20 years. We have a 10 year old.
Looking back, before our child, the only things we did together were on his terms. Since having a child, he has been a hopeless father. Never once got up in the night etc. Basically, he has gone out at least 2 to 3 times a week with his friends. Never acted like a family man and never seemed to want to do anything together. I would say perhaps 3 or 4 times a year would do something together if I forced the issue. On more occasions than I can count, I have had to cancel nights out due to a lack of babysitter because he had arranged something for himself the same nights despite knowing I had plans. This happened again this weekend. I had booked tickets to an event over 6 months ago. He arranged to go out approx 2 weeks ago and not told me until the night before. In addition to this, there is no communication,we basically live separate lives and no physical affection unless he wants sex. Even then, he will face away from me in bed before he decides and then turns away from me again after. Because he says it's more comfortable for him. We both work and he contributes financially but that's as much as I can say for him. I have started to force the issue of me going out more by going directly from work so he has no option. I was hoping that may make a difference to his attitude but it hasn't. To anyone else, things look great. We don't lack for anything and our child is very happy and outgoing. But I'm completely at a loss here as to what to do for the best. I can't cope anymore with feeling lonely in a relationship. I have tried to discuss with him. He agrees he's been inconsiderate but nothing really changes. He brings it back to his needs in the bedroom. And quite frankly, I did use to try but I can't bring myself to any longer when it feels so empty. Any help would be great. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 17/12/2018 13:27

My first marriage was like this in my 20s and I divorced him

user1479305498 · 17/12/2018 13:29

He acted as if he was single, was miffed when my arrangements interfered with going out with mates or football etc , he was actually a nice guy and good looking too but totally self focussed

Spaghettijumper · 17/12/2018 13:35

I'm not sure what answer you're hoping for. You've told him you're not happy and he's basically shrugged his shoulders. So the only other option is to tell him to fuck off really.

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:35

It's soul destroying 😢 X

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 17/12/2018 13:37

So he basically does what he wants, when he wants without any consideration for you. Doesn't but in any effort with his own child and refuses to discuss any and all problems with you? Aside from meeting basic financial obligations it seems you and your child are getting absolutely nothing from him.

Why are you still with him? What's the point? Like the other poster pointed out he's acting as though he's single, doing whatever he fancies. Only coming round you when he wants sex. And even then it sounds a passionless and miserable exercise. I would be inclined to leave, find someone who cares and loves you and actually wants to be a father to your child.

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:38

@Spaghettijumper yes I do believe so. I have seen a lot of people who have done this though and the child/children end up resenting them for what they see as breaking up the family. This would kill me. But equally, this situation is no longer something I can put up with. Sometimes, I feel as if make too much of it and that I expect too much. I k ow that's not the case, but it's where the doubt kicks in x

OP posts:
Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:42

@maximumcarnage I agree with what you have said. This is the only relationship I have ever had and I guess it's only the last few years that I have actually considered that things could and should be much better. xx

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 17/12/2018 13:44

Honestly I think saying that the child resents it is just an excuse - your child isn't responsible for keeping yourself in a shit marriage, you are. The only thing that your child will gain from you and this idiot staying together is a belief that this sort of loveless relationship is normal and that that's all they can expect from their own life.

Marriage isn't a jail sentence. If it doesn't work, the mature thing to do isn't to sit around enduring it, it's to admit the mistake and rectify it as best you can.

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:46

@Spaghettijumper this is another thing I'm worried about, that my hold will think this is normal when it is far from it. Thank you xx

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 17/12/2018 13:48

It is definitely something to worry about. But apart from that, seriously, you only have one life and it is such a horrible waste to spend it with someone who doesn't give a shit about you. It's far better to just be alone than to be treated like a piece of garbage.

maximumcarnage · 17/12/2018 13:49

I agree with Spahetti, it's not a good environment for your child. And anyway, what's there to resent? He takes no interest in his own kid.

Giraffey1 · 17/12/2018 13:50

You have outlined a relationship that seems as if it has been disfunctionsl from the start and after 20 years of poor treatment I can’t see it is going to change now. I know it is easy to say you need to leave and make a new life for yourself and your child, but I’d really encourage you to think seriously about this.

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:52

@Spaghettijumper @maximumcarnage thank you both for your views. It's kind of scary knowing what I have to do I suppose. This is all I've ever known. But I have come to the conclusion we both deserve more. I did actually start to put plans in place to leave a few years ago but then my mother passed away and I didn't feel I had the energy or inclination to do it. Now I'm starting to get that back xx

OP posts:
Cawfee · 17/12/2018 13:53

So what happened this weekend with the tickets? You’d spent money so he should have cancelled his plans. Did that happen or did you just agree to him going out? He’s absolutely taking the piss. Go see a solicitor and see about filing divorce papers. Get all your ducks in a row. You deserve better and there’s more to life than being treated like this!

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:53

@Giraffey1 I am going to start doing this. I just can't deal with it anymore xx

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 17/12/2018 13:53

It is very hard to leave. But it can be done. Do you have any real-life support? Sister/brother? Close friend?

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:55

@Cawfee I agree he should have cancelled. I gave in as usual because we had no babysitter xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 13:57

@Spaghettijumper I have close friends who I discuss with and they think i shouldn't put up with it. Only 1 brother who is very busy with work and his own family xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 14:01

And his views after this argument in the weekend were that he would "fuck off after Christmas and see how I would cope then" ... xx

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 17/12/2018 14:02

Next time he says he'll fuck off tell him that's a great idea and you'll help him to pack.

Spaghettijumper · 17/12/2018 14:04

I hope you're not still having sex with him?

Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 14:04

@Spaghettijumper I do. Problem is he won't go. Although he did go for 2 days back in April but then came back x

OP posts:
Original poster
Moshimonster666 · 17/12/2018 14:05

@Spaghettijumper no. That's been out of the question for a while. I just can't bring myself to x

OP posts:
Cawfee · 17/12/2018 14:05

Well I think you would cope perfectly well because what exactly does he provide to your emotional and physical well being? Nothing. Without him around, you would get a babysitter for any planned nights out and organise nights out on the dates your child is staying with him. The person who is screwed is him, because he will actually have to stay home every other weekend to look after your son. His social life is about to take a huge nose dive and you’ll do just fine. Even if you have to move somewhere else that’s more affordable and easy maintenance then do it. Your child isn’t a newborn and will cope just fine. Then once the dust has settled you can get out there and find yourself a decent bloke who actually wants to face you in bed. Don’t put up with this.

Cawfee · 17/12/2018 14:07

If he won’t go and you can afford to, rent somewhere else and get a solicitor on a divorce and get the family house on the market. He’ll have to move then won’t he. Go see a solicitor who can help be your backbone with this arsehole

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