Lack of affection

[Moshimonster666]

Hi. My 1st time posting. Really need some advice.
I have been with my partner over 20 years. We have a 10 year old.
Looking back, before our child, the only things we did together were on his terms. Since having a child, he has been a hopeless father. Never once got up in the night etc. Basically, he has gone out at least 2 to 3 times a week with his friends. Never acted like a family man and never seemed to want to do anything together. I would say perhaps 3 or 4 times a year would do something together if I forced the issue. On more occasions than I can count, I have had to cancel nights out due to a lack of babysitter because he had arranged something for himself the same nights despite knowing I had plans. This happened again this weekend. I had booked tickets to an event over 6 months ago. He arranged to go out approx 2 weeks ago and not told me until the night before. In addition to this, there is no communication,we basically live separate lives and no physical affection unless he wants sex. Even then, he will face away from me in bed before he decides and then turns away from me again after. Because he says it's more comfortable for him. We both work and he contributes financially but that's as much as I can say for him. I have started to force the issue of me going out more by going directly from work so he has no option. I was hoping that may make a difference to his attitude but it hasn't. To anyone else, things look great. We don't lack for anything and our child is very happy and outgoing. But I'm completely at a loss here as to what to do for the best. I can't cope anymore with feeling lonely in a relationship. I have tried to discuss with him. He agrees he's been inconsiderate but nothing really changes. He brings it back to his needs in the bedroom. And quite frankly, I did use to try but I can't bring myself to any longer when it feels so empty. Any help would be great. Thanks in advance

@Cawfee thank you. It's upset me but it's what I needed to what xx

@Cawfee sorry meant to say "it's what I needed to hear" x

It's good to hear you're not having sex with him. Is there any way you can talk to him and just tell him there's no point in being together any more? Or will he just ignore you?

@Spaghettijumper he never takes me seriously. He thinks I'm just "having a funny 5 minutes". In fact, when I told him on Friday evening (when his friend was here with him) that him planning to go out Saturday when he knew I had plans was out of order, he told me I was being bullying. I told him that I'd put up with his shit for so long, my tolerance level was lower. x

@Spaghettijumper I guess what I'm trying to show there is that he always turns things back on me and makes me doubt myself. Makes me think I'm being unreasonable x

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. This was me when I was in my early and mid-20s, except there were no children involved.

What people don't maybe realise is the effect a relationship like this can have on your self-esteem, to the point where you don't see the use in trying because you don't feel as though you are worth any more than the bones you get thrown by this person.

I totally echo what Cawfee, and others have said - do not put up with this! You are worth so much more!
I know it is difficult, but removing myself from that kind of relationship was the best thing I ever did. If you can, start putting the wheels in motion and get out of this marriage, and put your needs (and those of your child) first. I promise you, you won't regret it

@BigGirlPants18 thank you. That's exactly it. I have never been a confident person anyway. But this has taken away my will to do anything. xx

It sounds like there's no point in talking to him then. You'll just have to assume you can't depend on him at all and get on with making your own life away from him.

@Spaghettijumper unfortunately that seems the only way to go x

I can categorically tell you that you are not a bully. Telling him that on Saturday isn’t bullying. You must know that. In fact it’s the other way round! You bought tickets 6 months ago! He’s then disregarded and ignored your plans. He’s the bully. Have you tried marriage counselling? Would it help to have a professional tell him how unreasonable he is?

@Cawfee I have previously suggested counselling. His opinion on that is "we don't need anyone else sticking their nose into our business ". In reality, I think it's because he knows he's out of order x

OP Imagine living your life how you want it with your child making decisions without a useless,selfish,lazy man child! Make 2019 your year to recalibrate your life! I think you'll find your confidence boosted and your self worth improved!

@EKGEMS this is what I have to aim for xx

I have recently been in a similar situation although thankfully no children involved. He never wanted to do anything together, no communication other than when he wanted sex, he wasn’t interested in anything I did, had to say or was feeling. He also used to accuse me of bullying and psychological abuse when I called him out after he was eyeing up other women on a very rare night out. I mean, really?!? God only knows why I stuck around for so long!
Anyway, fast forward a few months and I’m rid of him and he’s making someone else’s life a misery now by the look of things.
Yes, it will be hard at first when you make the break but he sounds like a right a-hole and you’re better off without that crap in your life. You will be happier, I promise. Good luck x

@Clutterbug13 just amazes me why they do it?? How on earth would you deliberately want to make someone's life a misery 😕 Glad to heat you are much happier xx

Honestly, just fuck him off. I left my ExH after 20 years (diff reasons - cheating) and it's not as hard as you think! I was 37 at the time, with kids aged 9 & 11. I'm now 49, kids are grown up, I have a gorgeous, sexy and loving DH, who gets on great with my kids and life is rosy. Take the leap.

Oh, and also, my first H was abusive, with the cheating and occasional kick under the table etc. My now DH is kind, loving and hot hot hot. You CAN do better.

I loved this saying, when I was dithering about leaving husband No1 : "The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for".

I found some strength in that. In so much as I was a lovely woman, that did not need to be tethered down, by a complete Cunt.

So I left him. And found someone so much nicer.

Come on Mrs! You can do this! x

Even then, he will face away from me in bed before he decides and then turns away from me again after.

God, OP this is grim. really grim. You deserve an awful lot better in life. Being on your own would be so much nicer and easier.

@Huskylover1 I am definitely going to keep that saying in mind. Thank you xx

@pallisers it's shocking I know 😕 xx

@poster Moshimonster666 honestly your whole life is ahead of you - whether you are in your 20s, 30s, or 40s, you have so much time ahead of you.

My guess is for years you have been putting your emotional and other energy into trying to change your partner.

"if I do xyz maybe he will understand"
"If I tell him I need affection maybe he will give it"
"If I put the dates I am going out on the calendar, he will be home - right"

None of this effort worked. he goes out when he wants even if you have a prior explained arrangement (who does that???), he isn't affectionate, he doesn't act like he likes you, he doesn't act like he loves you.

So stop with that effort. Instead pour your effort into:

"How will I live happily". The first answer to that question will be "without him" Move from there and ask

"How will I get out of this crap relationship"

After that ask "How will I be happy with my child?" Lose the baggage - he is baggage.

good luck. I really hope you get out

@pallisers what you have written is scarily accurate. Yes I have tried for years always thinking it was better for our child to grow up with 2 parents. I grew up in a one parent home and didn't want that for him. I never considered what the situation may be teaching him. Silly how it's difficult to see the situation as a while when you have your mind set on one aspect. xx

The turning away from you before and after sex shows he thinks of you as merely an orifice to stick his dick in. No wonder you don't want sex with him!

All the other stuff eg going out when he knew you had long held plans, fuck me - how selfish is that?

BIN! you and your DC will be much happier once you've settled in your new life. We only get one, remember.

@RyderWhiteSwan and there I was thinking I was being overly sensitive about this stuff!! It's good to get other people's opinions xx

You are using your child as an excuse to stay in an awful relationship. Do you think he would appreciate knowing that when he is older ?