Lack of affection

[Moshimonster666]

Hi. My 1st time posting. Really need some advice.
I have been with my partner over 20 years. We have a 10 year old.
Looking back, before our child, the only things we did together were on his terms. Since having a child, he has been a hopeless father. Never once got up in the night etc. Basically, he has gone out at least 2 to 3 times a week with his friends. Never acted like a family man and never seemed to want to do anything together. I would say perhaps 3 or 4 times a year would do something together if I forced the issue. On more occasions than I can count, I have had to cancel nights out due to a lack of babysitter because he had arranged something for himself the same nights despite knowing I had plans. This happened again this weekend. I had booked tickets to an event over 6 months ago. He arranged to go out approx 2 weeks ago and not told me until the night before. In addition to this, there is no communication,we basically live separate lives and no physical affection unless he wants sex. Even then, he will face away from me in bed before he decides and then turns away from me again after. Because he says it's more comfortable for him. We both work and he contributes financially but that's as much as I can say for him. I have started to force the issue of me going out more by going directly from work so he has no option. I was hoping that may make a difference to his attitude but it hasn't. To anyone else, things look great. We don't lack for anything and our child is very happy and outgoing. But I'm completely at a loss here as to what to do for the best. I can't cope anymore with feeling lonely in a relationship. I have tried to discuss with him. He agrees he's been inconsiderate but nothing really changes. He brings it back to his needs in the bedroom. And quite frankly, I did use to try but I can't bring myself to any longer when it feels so empty. Any help would be great. Thanks in advance

@AnyFucker it's doubtful he would as he is a very sensitive and sensible hold who has empathy with others x

Ask the grown up children of dysfunctional marriages.

I am one and my mother should have ended her marriage when I was a child.

Bin this bloke off asap. Your son cannot and should not be the glue here that binds you and this man you are with together. He in all likelihood really targeted you at a young age and you knew no different. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What is the situation re the property and finances?

Make the break from this man asap and make that a permanent one. Do not let him sidle back into your life.

Do not continue to do your bit here to show your son such damaging lessons on relationships. He is not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to him. Infact your own relationship should you stay with this man now could become further damaged because your son could accuse you of putting this man before him.

You know you deserve better.
You are starting to realise that you get one shot at this.
20 years you've put up with this shite!
Time for you now.
I actually don't think he is happy either and I believe you will both be far happier apart.
You can both still be good parents and co-parent amicably.
But don't let this be the relationship model that your DS copies in adult life.
It's not good and you know it.
You could make an appointment with a solicitor and see how that goes.
What does separation look like?
Where would you like?
What would you be entitled to?
What maintenance would he need to pay?
How do you split assets?
For now, just get some paperwork together. What he earns, pension, assets, etc....
Once you have some details and understand more about separation you can then decide what you want to do.
It will be truly overwhelming to begin with it.
Take small steps to ensuring you and your DS a better and happier future.

I think you would actually be doing you both a favour by ending it, although his pride may be hurt initially, he sounds not that happy too . I posted earlier about my ex H acting as if he was single, I thought he would be devastated when I ended it, within 3 months he had someone new, whom he later married and was perfectly ok , taught me a lot about carrying all the guilt myself

@AttilaTheMeerkat @hellsbellsmelons @user1479305498
Thank you all xx