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Original poster

Bringing a bottle to a party

54 replies

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:21

OK, have namechanged, but believe me, I've been here forever.

I have been going out with my current boyfriend for over a year. I have noticed that when we go to parties or round to someone else's house, he never (or very rarely) brings a bottle. And it really bugs me.

I would usually bring a bottle of spirits (because that's what I like) to a party and I think that you should bring a bit more than you think you might drink - the excess is your contribution to the party/spoils for host. But I have stopped bringing a full sized bottle because it feels like he assumes that is "our" contribution. In the past when I have hinted at it, he has insisted that it's fine to just drink "the party booze" which he thinks is the alcohol that the host provides which is for everyone. Or he just waits till someone offers him something - like they are pouring their own wine and say "do you want a top up?" or "can I grab you a beer?" and then just says "yes please". I don't mind so much when he does it at his friends' parties but I find myself getting wound up when he does it at events where he is there as my guest/with my friends.

Yesterday we went to a friend of mine's for a christmas party. It was one of those where everyone brings a pre-agreed dish to share and I was happy to do the cooking and planning for our/my share of the food, because this was my friends and he was my plus-one. I wasn't planning to drink much, so I bought one of those one-serving bottles of wine to have a glass with my meal and a bottle of soft drinks. When I met him at the station, we were passing a mini-mart and I saud "Do you need to pick anything up before the party?". He replied "No, I'm not planning on drinking today". I thought (but didn't say) "Well, you are plannig on drinking SOMETHING even if it's a soft drink. Maybe you should bring that" but didn't.

Over the course of the meal/party, he accepted various beers, wine, prosecco, etc, from people (many of who he was meeting for the first time, and all of whom are my friends not his) and I got quietly annoyed.When we got home I asked him why he didn't bring alcohol to parties, and he looked panicky and said that he had meant to bring a bottle of prosecco from home but everything had been a bit last minute and he'd forgotten it. He apologised and even brought it up again later in the evening, repeating the I-meant-tot-but-forgot line,

But that's a lie, right? Because he never brings bottles to parties and he had ample opportunity to buy something on the way. I don;t get it - in a pub he buys rounds and things. What can I do about this and am I wrong that it makes me so uncomfortable? Should I just accept that I am the one who brings booze to parties and make sure I bring enough for both of us?

OP posts:
TwoGinScentedTears · 17/12/2018 09:25

You just need to be really clear. We're going to Jane and Ian's on Saturday. You must bring something to drink. I'm taking vodka, what are you going to bring?

Trills · 17/12/2018 09:26

Is he stingy and bad at thinking of others in other situations as well?

I'd put money on it.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 17/12/2018 09:27

He is very rude. Surely you bring a gift for the host alongside what you like to drink. You posted this in relationships, so I will jump the gun and assume you are really asking if he is worth sticking around for? And I would say absolutely not. He is ungenerous and embarrassing.

Trills · 17/12/2018 09:29

You just need to be really clear.

And really clear with yourself that you are happy to give him precise instructions for everything, forever, and that it's now your fault if he fails to do anything.

Original poster
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:31

Surely you bring a gift for the host alongside what you like to drink

Well, this is what I think. So I tried to check with him last night that he didn't have a different model - I know some people think that when you are hosting, you provide everything for your guests and they aren't expected to bring anything additional.

But no, it doesn't seem that he comes from that particular cultural model. He didn't look blank and say "But if you're throwing the party, it's your job to make sure your guests have enough to drink" or anything like that.

OP posts:
TwoGinScentedTears · 17/12/2018 09:33

I dunno Trills she hasn't said he's useless at other stuff, just this one thing. I'd agree with you if he was a man child in all the other ways, but if this is his one shit thing and it pisses OP off, one way of dealing with it is to be really clear. Unless OP there's other stuff?

KlutzyDraconequus · 17/12/2018 09:34

Another woman with a man incapable of thinking for himself being told to think for him.

Nah fuck that. He's a grown up, he knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't care enough to sort it out. He's a leach and it wouldn't surprise me if he leaches in other areas too.. forgotten wallets, borrowed £5ers for the train, "you buy the tickets and I'll get the snacks" etc etc.

Don't start wiping his bum op, it'll set a precedent and before you know it you'll be in charge of everything and he'll just work and play video games.

Original poster
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:37

Unless OP there's other stuff?

The usual ups and downs of a relationship, but generally he's thoughtful, sensitive and nice. But I'll be honest, I'm not 100% sold that we are long-term suited.

He is a little younger than I am and I am very sensitive to not wanting to "mother" or "train" him - I want to accept him as he is, not set about him like a reclamation project and teach him how to be a grown up.

(BTW, he is not in his teens/early twenties - it's not like he just "doesn't know how parties work" or anything)

OP posts:
Original poster
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:39

Don't start wiping his bum op, it'll set a precedent

Yeah, this is what I'm scared of - I am "naturally" more organised than he is (well, I put a lot more effort into being organised and staying on top of things, it's not "natural") so I am concerned that I will just drift into being the one who "remembers" bottles of wine and people's birthdays and when we have to be places.

OP posts:
Lauren83 · 17/12/2018 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feb2018mumma · 17/12/2018 09:41

I definitely think it is polite to take what you want to drink and honestly I do notice the people who bring nothing or something gross and drink everyone else's things. I have no idea why he won't buy something though or why he would lie about forgetting multiple times? I guess just remind him next time and if he does it again, stop inviting him. And tell him it's awkward! In the past when husband planned to drive and drunk friends beer I offered them money! They didn't take it but it's just manners?

TheLastNigel · 17/12/2018 09:43

My DP is incredibly tight and in the early days of our relationship he would do things like this. I made it clear that he either stop being so rude (and that I didn't find stinginess at all attractive) it we probably couldn't carry on. He's much better now.
You just need to say clearly as pp suggested 'can you go and get the wine to take to such and such-I bought it last time' or something...

Sexnotgender · 17/12/2018 09:45

I asked the same question to MIL as we are hosting them NYD (MIL, FIL and 2x BIL) and I got the below.....

I’d never have asked the question! If I’m hosting I’d let them know there’s wine and if they want anything else to bring it themselves, you’re not a hotel.

FrazzyAndFrumpled · 17/12/2018 09:46

I can understand your frustration that the money for the drinks always comes out of your pocket, but I don’t understand this mindset of “this is mine, where’s yours?” in a relationship. Just seems a bit odd to me.

Trills · 17/12/2018 09:48

In theory if he were only useless at this one thing I might agree with you TwoGin, but I can't see how it's possible that someone could be only useless at this one thing. He's either going to be useless about more things OR rude/unthoughtful/deliberately cheap about more things.

He doesn't "not know", he either "doesn't remember" (and will fail to remember other things that cause the OP embarrassment) or "doesn't think it's important" (and will disregard other social norms) or "thinks he can get away with it" (ditto).

Maybe they just haven't been in enough situations for the patterns to become clear, but they will.

Lauren83 · 17/12/2018 09:50

Sexnotgender I know I won't make that mistake again, It's my own fault but I was making the shopping list yesterday and asked her as I didn't want to be caught off guard if they turned up with nothing I just didn't expect such a big list including a bottle of spirits! I will definitely handle it how you said next time, kicking myself a bit now

Original poster
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:51

I don’t understand this mindset of “this is mine, where’s yours?” in a relationship. Just seems a bit odd to me

Really?? You don't think there should be any division of property between me and my unmarried, non-co-habiting boyfriend? Everything I own has somehow become "ours"?

OP posts:
FrazzyAndFrumpled · 17/12/2018 09:52

Well no, not to that extreme, but squabbling over a £15 bottle of spirits is a bit petty. Maybe it’s just me.

Original poster
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:53

Maybe they just haven't been in enough situations for the patterns to become clear, but they will

See, this is what worries me. At the moment, I can't think of any other situations where he behaves like this. Is it really possible that he just has a blind spot about this one specific thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 17/12/2018 09:55

Well no, not to that extreme, but squabbling over a £15 bottle of spirits is a bit petty

That's cool, I am genuinely asking for opinions. It's your opinion that I should just accept this and always be the one who remembers and pays for alcohol when we are invited anywhere and that is just the usual give and take of a relationship.

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 17/12/2018 09:55

Yes it is possible-it's sometimes a kink in the way someone was raised. My dp is great in all other ways (except actually when I'm sick-he has to be as sick or much sicker 🙄), he just had a blind spot about generosity and general tightness. He did frown up quite poor and he got bullied badly at school and so actually didn't go out that much so I put it down to that 🤷🏽‍♀️

TheLastNigel · 17/12/2018 09:58

Grow up, not frown up

Trills · 17/12/2018 09:59

I don't see you as squabbling over a £15 bottle of spirits, I see you as recognising a pattern. It's not that he didn't bring anything one time, it's that he never brings anything.

Musti · 17/12/2018 10:02

Is he stingy in other areas? Do you find you pay or provide for more things?

I don't find stickiness attractive and I don't like the fact that he's taking advantage of people. A bottle of prosecco only costs £5 and to be honest I'd always bring more than I was planning to drink to a party. It always costs to host, even if people bring their own stuff because you buy nibbles and a lot of booze so you don't run out.

KlutzyDraconequus · 17/12/2018 10:04

A one off time of forgetting, we've all done it.
Second time? Well that's a bit careless.
Third? Now it's a pattern
Fourth? Fifth? Sixth? Now he's taking the piss.

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