Bringing a bottle to a party

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

OK, have namechanged, but believe me, I've been here forever.

I have been going out with my current boyfriend for over a year. I have noticed that when we go to parties or round to someone else's house, he never (or very rarely) brings a bottle. And it really bugs me.

I would usually bring a bottle of spirits (because that's what I like) to a party and I think that you should bring a bit more than you think you might drink - the excess is your contribution to the party/spoils for host. But I have stopped bringing a full sized bottle because it feels like he assumes that is "our" contribution. In the past when I have hinted at it, he has insisted that it's fine to just drink "the party booze" which he thinks is the alcohol that the host provides which is for everyone. Or he just waits till someone offers him something - like they are pouring their own wine and say "do you want a top up?" or "can I grab you a beer?" and then just says "yes please". I don't mind so much when he does it at his friends' parties but I find myself getting wound up when he does it at events where he is there as my guest/with my friends.

Yesterday we went to a friend of mine's for a christmas party. It was one of those where everyone brings a pre-agreed dish to share and I was happy to do the cooking and planning for our/my share of the food, because this was my friends and he was my plus-one. I wasn't planning to drink much, so I bought one of those one-serving bottles of wine to have a glass with my meal and a bottle of soft drinks. When I met him at the station, we were passing a mini-mart and I saud "Do you need to pick anything up before the party?". He replied "No, I'm not planning on drinking today". I thought (but didn't say) "Well, you are plannig on drinking SOMETHING even if it's a soft drink. Maybe you should bring that" but didn't.

Over the course of the meal/party, he accepted various beers, wine, prosecco, etc, from people (many of who he was meeting for the first time, and all of whom are my friends not his) and I got quietly annoyed.When we got home I asked him why he didn't bring alcohol to parties, and he looked panicky and said that he had meant to bring a bottle of prosecco from home but everything had been a bit last minute and he'd forgotten it. He apologised and even brought it up again later in the evening, repeating the I-meant-tot-but-forgot line,

But that's a lie, right? Because he never brings bottles to parties and he had ample opportunity to buy something on the way. I don;t get it - in a pub he buys rounds and things. What can I do about this and am I wrong that it makes me so uncomfortable? Should I just accept that I am the one who brings booze to parties and make sure I bring enough for both of us?

I don't like the fact that he's taking advantage of people

This is how I feel - I think that people DO notice if someone never brings anything but always accepts the offered glass of fizz. It makes me feel really awkward that people will be thinking "FineWord's bloke didn't say no to my booze" :(

Maybe he thinks it fine and no one notices or cares about the odd bottle of beer or whatever. But I worry that they do notice and care when it happens all the time. But maybe it's only me that sees it happen all the time - to everyone else it seems like a one off and NBD?

This would bug me too OP, it’s not the odd occasion when you’re buying the booze, it’s every time which isn’t really fair, plus there’s the sense of your boyfriend somehow being ‘the scrounger’ amongst your friends.

I would have it out with him, he says he ‘forgot’ to buy prosecco but this isn’t the first time, it will just keep happening and annoying you. Make a stand now (calmly) and make sure he buys it next time.

She’s not squabbling over a bottle of spirits. More the seeming lack of understanding of how these things work and what appears like a horribly stingy side that I’m sure most of us would find unattractive.

I am not from the UK and where I am from, the host provides everything. It could even be rude to bring a bottle as if they could not provide good enough for you. And as for family, unheard of.

Now, I have lived in a UK culture for about 10 years and learnt it very quickly. Still, there is the person who brings an open bottle of jam 1/10 for a Sunday brunch, and I wonder... what's the point? Between friends, we always say "just bring yourself".

About your boyfriend, well, if it is the sone thing in your group of friends and what is expected, I think you should be responsible for it. Let him do whatever he feels comfortable with when yoi are meeting his friends. If you have only been together for a year the expectations with his friends were set before your relationship so when in Rome...

Does he invite his friends over? What happens then?

When i am hosting i always make sure there is enough alcohol of different kinds for all. If people bring a bottle that's more of a bonus. I don't expect my guests to provide their own booze.

Having said that, when I visit someone's house i always bring a bottle and/or whatever else agreed with the hosts beforehand.

Well it was a pretty dumb lie, given you'd reminded him when passing the shop.

It's possible it's a bad habit, something he wasn't taught to do, or didn't learn by example, when growing up. People can be odd, awkward and react to not being quite sure by trying to 'bury' bad habits, rather than facing and changing them.

More likely tightness and a lack of feeling for others, not really regarding them as mattering. If that, it is likely to extend to you some time.

It would be interesting to see what he does, not next time but the time after the time after that, when he might think he's made his token gesture (next time) and can get away with shirking again.

Stingy and tight - No way would I be OK with this and I'd be brutally blunt about it too.
Is he tight in other ways?
This would be a serious turn-off for me!

I don't see you as squabbling over a £15 bottle of spirits, I see you as recognising a pattern. It's not that he didn't bring anything one time, it's that he never brings anything.

yeah kind of like that person who never gets their round in etc It's just kind of a sneaky miserly thing to do and it isn't attractive

I would say though, that even though you're esssentially right about his tightness, you yourself have demonstrated that the rules about dinner / party drinks' are not simple and vary between social groups.

Are you taking a hostess gift, then drinking what you're offered by the hosts (my idea of normal)? Or, as seems to be the case, do you take what you want to drink, all sit there with multiple different bottles open, some people offering around, others not, then leave any leftovers for the host (as your comment about only taking a tiny bottle as that's all you'd drink suggests)? The latter sounds madly complicated to me and likely to result in multiple bottles of wine left open and going off - not a great gift to the host.

I would expect to be offered a drink but also to give a gift.

Are you taking a hostess gift, then drinking what you're offered by the hosts (my idea of normal)? Or, as seems to be the case, do you take what you want to drink, all sit there with multiple different bottles open, some people offering around, others not, then leave any leftovers for the host

It depends - if it was a more formal dinner party type setting I would bring a hostess gift plus a bottle of alcohol and expect the host to provide food and drink in accordance with their menu. The alcohol I'd brought I would expect either to be shared (fizz to start, dessert wine for the end, etc) or kept by the host as a gift/thank you. I wouldn't bring something and expect to just sit there drinking it by myself.

If it's a party, I bring what I want to drink in greater quantities than I think I'll need , dump it on the table/in the kitchen and then drink that all night. I don't mind if other people drink it but I would be hacked off if someone who hadn't brought anything just hoovered it up.

I don't know, I don't really see it as a big thing.

I don't drink, but I'll always bring something if ever I go to someone's. However, a lot of people don't and assume it's the hosts job to provide things. And if you bring something, it's kind of from the two of you.

If I'm being totally honest, your own behaviour isn't perfect. Because you are annoyed at him, you've decreased what you bring to other people's houses, a smaller bottle and then an individual bottle. I always feel an individual bottle implies I only care that I have enough.
You at least know better, but because you don't want to put in for both of you, or appear to be doing so, you now bring less yourself.

It's a non issue if he gets rounds in in the pub, he was most likely brought up differently where you didn't bring something to other people's parties.

Yes. I'm just exploring the 'paralysed by awkardness' angle. Is he socially awkward in other situations, or have other blind spots about things where he seems not to have grasped what's normal?

Is he socially awkward in other situations, or have other blind spots about things where he seems not to have grasped what's normal?

Yes. Yes hugely.

A couple of friends have asked me (gently) if he is neuro typical because when he's nervous he can come across strangely. As far as I know, he isn't on the spectrum or have any other diagnosed diversity.

But he does often struggle with how to behave around people. If I'm honest, I find it a bit of a problem in our relationship. I am lucky enough to have a circle of old, close friends and he doesn't seem to get on with many of them. He does this weird thing where its like he has to "prove" himself and it just makes me wince.

Is he struggling financially?

It sounds like the relationship is coming to the end of it's shelf life.

He does things that annoy you and make you wince and are ultimately ashamed of him as you see his actions as a reflection of you. I don't balme you. I couldn't be with someone like this.

Just end it, sooner rather than later (otherwise your just going to nick pick at him)

This would be a deal breaker for me personally. I think it’s incredibly rude. I would be incompatible with this type of person. You don’t have to accept this personality defect. If it’s not right for you, then you don’t have to accept it as the ups and downs of a relationship. You have to work out which downs are dealbreakers for you. This would be mine. I can’t bear social rudeness. You’ve told him clearly but he keeps doing it. He’s doing it with your friends too 😒 nope. It’s maybe a sign of incompatibility.

Maybe he is from a different cultural background?

I find it odd that people bring random bottles of wine, and would be quite offended if someone brought a small bottle something to my house to drink herself. If asked, we tell people they don't need to bring anything, drinking "other people's booze" is not a big thing really with any of the people that I know. Maybe he is embarrassed by your taking the wine?

Well no, not to that extreme, but squabbling over a £15 bottle of spirits is a bit petty

But it's not just one bottle of spirits, it's every time and he drinks everyone else's booze.

Op, yes he lied, becayse you reminded him before hand. He clearly doesn't wish to spend the money and wants to take from others. I wouldn't be ok with it either. Sit him down and explain to him. Tell him it's the last time you do, that when attending an event at someone's home it's polite to take what you will drink and more. It's incredibly rude to turn up empty handed and take from others. He cannot say he won't drink as an excuse to not take anything and then suddenly change his mind. Explain to him it's the last time he does it as it's embarrassing for you. If he does it again you will need to stop inviting him.

And I'd also say the relationship is on the green mile for you, he embarrasses you and makes you wince, your friends asking if he is neuro typical is a very big statement, and he annoys you with his behaviour and he lies to you.

I think it's probably over for you op.

Bin him off. He embarrasses you, is tight and doesn't get on with your friends. Don't waste your time.

If you decide to stay, be very blunt with him. Tell him directly that he looks stingy and rude and he has to contribute or you'll lose all respect for him.

He sounds very tight, which is an unattractive quality. Is he stingy in other areas? This would drive me nuts.

If I'm honest, I find it a bit of a problem in our relationship

If you find his behaviour cringeworthy and embarrassing, you don't have to keep seeing him. No matter what the cause of the behaviour.

He doesn't sound tight if he'll get in a round without question, that's a lot more money then picking up a cheap bottle for a few quid.

He may have been raised differently whereby they wouldn't take anything with them to other people's parties.

If you don't like him, then yes, dump him, but this is a kind of non issue alone, and he hasn't even had a chance to put it right and buy a bottle next time.

Don't shoot me but could he think that because they are invites to your friends houses you would buy the booze. Not sure if that makes sense or why he may think that though? What does he do when you go to his family/friends houses?
If it is possible then he may have made the I forgot story up to hide embarrassment that got it wrong.
Is he ok for money? Although if he is struggeling occasionally you would think he would either decline the invite or let you know he was a bit short. A can you get it this time I will get it next, kind of thing.

Gosh, some people struggling to comprehend what's written in the op. Where she clearly states he does this most times, and she clearly states he does it to his own friends too. It's not the first time and he needs an opportunity to fix it, it's multiple times and she's even asked him to buy something and he's declined and said he woildnt drink then proceeded to drink everyone else's booze.