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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I confront him?

74 replies

Cattymccat · 16/12/2018 23:07

I wanted to know what time my DS football match was at on Saturday and my DP (of thirteen years) was upstairs so as he gets the texts off the coach without really thinking about it I picked up his phone and looked for the text. Then second on his text messages was a thread from his friend (a female from before we met) and I looked at. I don't know what made me do it, and it's the first time I've ever snooped at his messages. Anyway, i scrolled back and there was a couple of messages from a few weeks ago, one from her saying that the porn last night had excited her and one from him describing a pornographic dream he'd had about her. Now I don't what to do and am thinking is there more to it? If I confront him I think he might try to make it all about me snooping on his phone and I'll end up feeling stupid. I don't have anyone to talk about it

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 16/12/2018 23:26

Sounds to me like somethings going on. I would snoop some more without him knowing.

Original poster
Cattymccat · 16/12/2018 23:36

Thanks. I did think I should have a proper look through his phone. Even though i saw those messages it still feels a bit wrong though. Eugh, he's gone out tonight and i don't know where. i feel sick tbh.

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 16/12/2018 23:39

I think you know deep down this is more than a few dirty messages to be worried about, unfortunately. I would screenshot/save any messages so you have proof. You have valid reason for going on his phone - it's not like you were snooping/suspicious, don't feel guilty - You've simply stumbled across them. Better you know, and can now control the situation. Best wishes

KnightlyMyMan · 16/12/2018 23:44

Snooop! Just wait until you have solid proof before confronting else he’ll delete everything and try to suggest you misunderstood/ are over reacting 🤔

Original poster
Cattymccat · 16/12/2018 23:46

Thank you. I'm just really shocked. This is someone I've always really liked and never had any suspicions before, had her and her kids round for playdates etc. Think i was just curious about what they talk about! I can't really believe I read it. I did take a photo of it on my phone. I'll have to have a think about what to do. I'm going to have to talk about it to him at some point.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 23:46

Don't say a word until you have proof. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Cattymccat · 16/12/2018 23:54

Even if it's just those messages and nothing more (although the more i think about it the more unlikely it is) it's a bit fucked up isn't it. If i had a dirty dream about a friend i can't imagine describing it to them!

OP posts:
Kikidelight · 16/12/2018 23:59

It's very fucked up. Describing dirty dreams about someone else is completely unacceptable.

winteryslippers · 17/12/2018 00:01

Is it an iPhone? Can you log in to his "find my phone" account and see where he is?

winteryslippers · 17/12/2018 00:03

I think you need to be honest and let him know you've seen the messages.

Regardless of his reaction to you looking through his phone, he's in the wrong.

winteryslippers · 17/12/2018 00:04

Even if it's "innocent" - ie: not physical, he's still texting her sexual things and receiving gratification that she's enjoying it etc

It's an emotional affair at least.

HelloItsMe · 17/12/2018 00:04

Fuck that shit!! Confront him

HollowTalk · 17/12/2018 00:05

How come you don't know where he is, OP?

Could you call him with a video call?

Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 00:12

Because I've never thought to ask before! God that sounds stupid. But he generally stays up late and has a couple of friends near by and just says 'I'm popping out' and i say ok. I'm starting to think I might be bring a bit nieve but i honestly never thought to ask.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/12/2018 00:15

Has this woman got a partner?

Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 00:16

He's just come back in. I'm upstairs he's downstairs. I think its unlikely he's been with her the amount of time he's been gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 00:18

On/off partner. He doesn't live with them

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/12/2018 00:20

Do you mean she, or is this person a man?

Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 00:23

Sorry my partner is a man. She's a she. Her on/ off partner doesn't live with her. Her partner has been abusive in the past. As she's often spent the evening at ours upset about it. I just can't believe this is happening. I've always just felt sorry for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 01:28

So i decided to just have it out with him. He says he'd been to her house and she was taking about watching porn with her mates. Then the next day had text him saying it had got her excited and he had replied with his dream 'as a bit of fun'. Nothings apparently gone on. I'm so fucking angry i said what would you think if I'd said those things to a male friend. And he said 'yeah that wouldn't be good'. I've looked at his phone and apart from that interaction there's nothing. I've not av fucking clue what to do bit going to try and go to sleep because I've still got the school run and uni to deal with tomorrow. Thanks for all your replies.x

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 17/12/2018 04:32

Are you going to ask him to go nc with her? I’d be tempted to yell at her- I know not classy

BitOfFun · 17/12/2018 04:48

Why do you need anything else? He's been a sleazy tripehound. Fuck him right off!

sirmione16 · 17/12/2018 11:48

What about her?! I'd be having it out with her as well - it's inappropriate conversation from her side as a "friend" too

merville · 17/12/2018 13:45

At the very least she's actinbbtotalkybabc utterly inappropriately towards your husband and he's acting similarly back.

At most they're involved sexually or working up to it.

merville · 17/12/2018 13:45

(Acting totally and utterly inappropriately).