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Original poster

Should I confront him?

74 replies

Cattymccat · 16/12/2018 23:07

I wanted to know what time my DS football match was at on Saturday and my DP (of thirteen years) was upstairs so as he gets the texts off the coach without really thinking about it I picked up his phone and looked for the text. Then second on his text messages was a thread from his friend (a female from before we met) and I looked at. I don't know what made me do it, and it's the first time I've ever snooped at his messages. Anyway, i scrolled back and there was a couple of messages from a few weeks ago, one from her saying that the porn last night had excited her and one from him describing a pornographic dream he'd had about her. Now I don't what to do and am thinking is there more to it? If I confront him I think he might try to make it all about me snooping on his phone and I'll end up feeling stupid. I don't have anyone to talk about it

OP posts:
merville · 17/12/2018 13:48

Even if by some very very long shot, the talking about watching porn was 'innocent', it became not so when she decided to text your husband to tell him about her sexual excitement/arousal.

And he matched her by not shutting her down and by telling her has had sexual dreams about her.

merville · 17/12/2018 13:49

She sounds like she's angling for an affair with him, and he's not shutting her down,band in fact encouraging her and acting totally inappropriately himself.

merville · 17/12/2018 13:50

One thing's forvsure, she's not your friend.

merville · 17/12/2018 13:51

And he's not a decent husband or person.
Sorry.

AdoreTheBeach · 17/12/2018 13:54

Totally agree with PP. she is NOT your friend. I’d be making sure there’s no more contact with her, with yourself, families and husband and let her know why.

merville · 17/12/2018 13:54

If you continuebto pursue your problem with him, confront her or let it be known to others you will no doubt be 'too serious', 'not able to take a joke', 'too straight laced', it was 'only a bit of banter's etc etc. They will minimise like fuck.

Kikidelight · 17/12/2018 14:05

There really is not one reason I can think of that would make their conversation acceptable. It is quite repulsive. And what woman watches porn with her mates?

BifsWif · 17/12/2018 14:07

She was watching porn with her mates? Really? Hmm

He’s lying.

Cawfee · 17/12/2018 14:10

He’s lying. Don’t have her round your house again!

merville · 17/12/2018 14:17

Agree, it's unlikely she watches porn with her mates, he just said it as some bullshit to 'explain' how they came to be talking about porn.

merville · 17/12/2018 14:17

(and to try to make it seem less personal to them).

merville · 17/12/2018 14:24

I've just realised you said he actually described a pornographic dream he had about her to her, that's even worse than what I originally thought (that he'd just told her he'd had a sexual dream about her) .. he's trying to turn her on, (as she was him with describing her arousal from the porn) he's essentially sexting her, theres probably some understanding/expectation of mutual masturbation or whatever the right term is when the people aren't together. Sorry but it just seems likely.

He's essentially cheating even if they haven't actually had physical contact yet.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2018 14:30

Op, cmon she was watching porn with her mates, told him about it, and he responded by telling her about a dirty dream he had about her. On what planet does this happen? Do you sit and watch porn with your mates and then tell friends partners about it?

You cannot seriously believe this line of shite he came up with. He is involved with her. Sexually. Romantically. He's cheating.

Doghorsechicken · 17/12/2018 14:42

He’s definitely lying and cheating! Please don’t be naive. And my past experience is not to try and compete with the other woman. He has already lost respect for you. His head has already been turned.

Kikidelight · 17/12/2018 15:01

I agree. It's all very sleazy indeed. You deserve better, which is not him. This is simply inexcusable and cheapens everything you had.

Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 15:03

I've just got in from uni and my heads a mess. I spoke to him briefly this morning as he went to work early. He basically talked a load of rubbish and insinuated that I'm a prude and overreacting. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but thanks for replying, you've all really just confirmed things i already know and that I'm not overreacting.

OP posts:
KCC123 · 17/12/2018 15:36

Oh yes the old let's blame it on the wife/girlfriend line.
Of course it's your fault. 🙄
He's a dick and he's lying to you.
Been there and I stayed far to long then I should have 20 years in fact. I eventually left and have become a much better person within myself.

I really feel for you. It's so hard.
I hope you make the right choices, and even if you don't right now, one day you'll wake up and would of had enough.

Big virtual hugs 🤗

merville · 17/12/2018 15:48

Yes of course you're a prude, he's not a cheater (or at the very least highly highly inappropriate in a sexual way).

So if your mutual male friend sent you texts describing his arousal/excitement at some porn and you sent him back an explicit description of avsexual dream you'd had about him ... If your husband had a problem BB witb it, he'd be a prude?

V sorry this is happening to you.

HollowTalk · 17/12/2018 16:08

I've just re-read what you said in your OP:

one from her saying that the porn last night had excited her

Are you sure he wasn't with her when they were watching porn?

Lordamighty · 17/12/2018 16:15

OP do you sit & watch porn with your mates & then text one of your friend’s husbands to tell them how aroused you are? Of course you don’t, he’s a liar & I would be confronting her about it as well.

Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 16:19

I really don't know? He said he was at hers the night before and that she'd told him that she was going to watch it later.
I really don't think he's going to tell me the truth. And I'm finding that more upsetting tbh because what else has he lied about in the past? We have two ds's and it's Christmas so im going to have to try and keep it together the next few weeks. My mum's just been round and took them hers for tea because i was crying i told her I just feel ill (which i do to be fair) because i really can't face telling her what's happened .

OP posts:
fannycraddock72 · 17/12/2018 16:41

I was going to say that I think you need to trust your gut instinct on this. What he did in my opinion is wrong, sorry but if you have an erotic dream about someone you don’t tell them unless you have an agenda.

insinuated that I'm a prude and overreacting

This is blame shifting and gaslighting in one sentence.

ErickBroch · 17/12/2018 16:47

OP I am so sorry for you, this is so upsetting. Just want you to know that I think you are brave and strong and don't deserve this at all!! Thinking of you Flowers

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2018 16:52

So he's gaslighting you now?

What grown woman do you know that sits and watches porn with her mates and then texts a friend's husband about how it turned her on and he responds by telling her his sexual dreams about her?

I mean cmon. They clearly watched porn together.

merville · 17/12/2018 16:57

Being very - and I mean very - kind to her,nyou could say that she's unhappy and vulnerable (in an on off relationship with domestic violence/abuse).
Your husband knows this; you said she's been upset more than once in your house and - presuming she initiated sexual/inappropriate interaction (whichbis being flattering/kind to your husband) what has he done? Instead of doing the only right thing to do, discouraging her and telling you so you could decide as a couple what to do (distance yourselves probably),she has encouraged her and responded in kind, with totally inappropriate sexual interaction (if that's all that happened).

He's acted with zero integrity (not that she has much either) and us now compounding it by lying to you and blaming your (completely normal) reaction.