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Original poster

Should I confront him?

74 replies

Cattymccat · 16/12/2018 23:07

I wanted to know what time my DS football match was at on Saturday and my DP (of thirteen years) was upstairs so as he gets the texts off the coach without really thinking about it I picked up his phone and looked for the text. Then second on his text messages was a thread from his friend (a female from before we met) and I looked at. I don't know what made me do it, and it's the first time I've ever snooped at his messages. Anyway, i scrolled back and there was a couple of messages from a few weeks ago, one from her saying that the porn last night had excited her and one from him describing a pornographic dream he'd had about her. Now I don't what to do and am thinking is there more to it? If I confront him I think he might try to make it all about me snooping on his phone and I'll end up feeling stupid. I don't have anyone to talk about it

OP posts:
Kikidelight · 17/12/2018 17:45

If it's really nothing, why didn't he tell you about it? Prude! How fucking ridiculous! No woman, in her right mind, would be happy with this scenario.

I think its going to be hard for you to trust him now. Once deceit is uncovered, it makes you question everything.

He is trying to manipulate you and twist the truth. It sounds as if he's shifting the blame to you! It's all bullshit and tactics to avoid the truth. He knows he's fucked. Surely if he thought it was ok, which it clearly is very far from that, he would have mentioned it to you.

Fannybaws52 · 17/12/2018 17:55

Please listen to @merville.

This is not okay. He crossed a boundary and is trying to bully you into backing off.

The question is, what do you want? Do you want a partner who targets vulnerable woman and encourages inappropriate 'banter? What if this is the start of an affair and you caught it early? How do you proceed? Can you trust him?

You don't have to keep up appearances. If you want him out now to give yourself space, tell him to leave. You know he is being dishonest. He's broken your trust and disrespected your relationship for her.

She's not your friend either. What will you do about her?

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles · 17/12/2018 20:06

You're not overreacting.

If this crosses a line for you, you're allowed to say so. He doesn't get to decide where your line in the sand is.

Original poster
Cattymccat · 17/12/2018 22:54

I can't thank you enough for all your replies. I've just not got anyone I feel I could confide in about this right now, I'm quite a private person and find the whole thing embarrassing. He's not actually returned home yet and I'm glad tbh, i agree that he's doing all the things mentioned and I'm glad I've had some space to think. I mean he's not even text to ask if I'm ok etc and i have been very visibly upset last night/ this morning. I'm really gutted and think maybe he actually doesn't give a shit in which case he can do one. From being a stay at home mum with no friends at all, I'm now in my last year at uni, have made some friends and in May I'll be getting a job and think I'd be fine by myself if that's how it ends up. If he's willing to throw the past 13 years down the drain then good luck to him. The grass certainly isn't going to greener for him. X

OP posts:
Doghorsechicken · 17/12/2018 23:15

So sorry OP, sometimes people can be such bastards.

AnyFucker · 17/12/2018 23:26

They have watched porn together or he has sent her porn

There is nothing "prudish" about considering that to be a deal breaker in your relationship. It would be in mine

This is not even an emotional affair, this is a sexual one as they are trading sexual arousal in order to get each other off

He wpuld be gone snd his pathetic attempts to turn it back on me would be treated with the contempt they deserve

Feckers2018 · 17/12/2018 23:39

My h used to keep popping out. He was up to no good. Sometimes Just 20 mins is all it takes. Also why is he out tonight? He should be with you. Im guessing hes covering his tracks maybe with this woman. Hes lying and gaslighting you.

PearlandRubies194 · 18/12/2018 20:57

@merville you described my ex partner in your last post. A young woman, 20 years younger than him, had come out of a violent relationship. She had three young children and was very vulnerable. She had debts with drug dealers, wanted money to move house. She came into him and instead of having integrity he pursued a relationship with her. Broke the family up and I’m still consumed by hatred for him.

She has a good job now, is doing well. She’s started a course, goes to the gym, amazing figure. I’m fat, depressed, angry and bitter. And he’s now realised the grass wasn’t greener but I’d never go back.

OP I’m so sorry you’re facing this.

merville · 18/12/2018 21:55

Pearl.im.really sorry to hear that - you can change anything you want to change. You've had the self esteem not to take him back - which so many people don't - you're clearly a strong lady.

Inkniw it's easy to say but if you have any free time, I'd join a walking/hiking group ; it's an easy way to get into exercise, usually quite sociable and the light ( when it comes back after the 21st!) will help with the depression.

merville · 18/12/2018 22:00

(I can fully understand how you feel but it also brings to mind that saying 'being bitter (or similar) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'. He's destroyed his family, he can live with it. Your job is to make yourself and your loved ones happy, a life well lived is the best revenge and all that

IWannaBeYourFordCortina · 18/12/2018 22:05

Sorry this has happened OP.

Did he say why he was at her house in the first place?

merville · 18/12/2018 22:12

OP, men generally choose their life partners with more discernment and conservatism than their flings/affair partners and that definitely seems to be the case here. I have a feeling he'll live to regret this 'episode' whatever happens, but esp. if he enters into a relationship with her.

Anyone can get into an abusive relationship but the fact that she has bounced from that to a fling (? Or at the very least sexual interaction) with a married family man whose partner has apparently been a kind and supportive friend to her; suggests this woman has a screw loose. She sounds desperate, low/no integrity, pathetic, foolish, shockingly duplicitous, unstable etc.
No doubt she looked like a good prospect for a big of side action he thought you'd never find out about, but for relationship .. he'll regret this one way or another.

NotAlwaysAPushover · 18/12/2018 22:26

I think I'd assume he pops round up hers quite regularly and that's where he was last night.
Horrible shock for you. The fact that he's behaving like you're overreacting (you're not) is a bit of gaslighting imo. He's not even trying to reassure you or talk you round which I think tells you everything. Sorry this has happened to you Thanks

Original poster
Cattymccat · 18/12/2018 22:54

So we've had a really good talk today. He is amendment that there was no physical contact and I've made it clear that it makes no difference to me, this is cheating in my eyes. He's given up with the trying to make it in someway my fault and has apologised for doing it. I'm still undersided as to what to do. I feel so sick when thinking about it and am still a bit of a mess to be honest. I've said IF we are to stay together he cannot have any contact with her as this ous not a platonic relationship in my eyes. I'm not going to rush into anything, it's Christmas and i refuse for the children to have daddy moving out as a memory for them every year but believe me he understands that this by no means is in the past. All your comments have helped me in one way or another and I'm grateful for that. X

OP posts:
flowerpot1000000 · 18/12/2018 23:10

Speak to OW, get her side but Im afraid he's 100% lying to you.

Original poster
Cattymccat · 18/12/2018 23:13

merville thank you for your replies. She is very troubled and what I've mentioned in here is not the least of it. And tbh my dp also has lots of issues related to his adoption and abandonment so i don't really see it as him taking advantage (although I'm certainly not suggesting it's justified). It's just easy to assume everyone is capable of building/ maintaining relationships as the next. I'm hoping he'll agree to some counciling as i think that a lot of this is to do with issues we can't deal with alone. I'm not a cut and run kind of person but also by no means am a push over. It's just all that time and our children are worth more to me than some slutty text messages. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Cattymccat · 18/12/2018 23:18

flowerpot1000000 yes i think theres been quite a few lies. I feel like I'm on the defensive now as I really dont want to come across as a pushover. But i know how much love there is in our relationship and I think (still not sure!) I'm choosing to try and sort it. If it doesn't work out then that it! X

OP posts:
flowerpot1000000 · 18/12/2018 23:27

Bless you OP, you do what you feel best, it's very early days so take it easy and try and talk once Christmas has finished Xmas Envy

flowerpot1000000 · 18/12/2018 23:27

Flowers I meant to send you these

Original poster
Cattymccat · 18/12/2018 23:35

Thank you flowerpot1000000 i may yet feel like a fool for doing this but after today's conversations I'm hopeful. I understand the 'gaslighting' comments but after speaking to him today i don't feel he's doing this anymore and it was a bit of a panic reaction to being caught out. It's not an easy option and emotions are still very high. So I'll just be taking it one day at a time. X

OP posts:
ladamanera · 19/12/2018 00:23

If ahe’s meant to be your friend, ask her over for a wine. Ambiguous dates. If ahe declines, you may be able to work out why. If she comes, ask her atraight. Dont text her as the answers will be prepared. Talk to her. You’ll know form her reaction. Liars are very bad at lying. She may however give you a better explanation than your dh has... god luck x

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 07:42

I'm going to disagree with a pop above. It's aways the vulnerable OW being taken advantage of. She knows you exist. She is just as wrong as he is. She comes upset to your house and then sends that message to your husband.

Women aren't helpless souls. She was out of order, but it seems women often want to find excuses for other women's bad behaviour.

Even if she was watching porn with her friends...though I don't believe it. It shows the nature of their relationship that she felt comfortable enough to share that with him.

You don't send that message out of the blue to a male friend...unless you've got that kind of relationship.

He would also not share his dream (probably made up) with her... but he wants her to know he sees her in a sexually desirable way.

merville · 19/12/2018 10:27

*And tbh my dp also has lots of issues related to his adoption and abandonment...

I'm hoping he'll agree to some counciling as i think that a lot of this is to do with issues we can't deal with alone*

OP I know you must be very shocked, shaken, horrified, hurt etc. but I wouldn't giving much merit to the childhood issues sob story routine as an excuse for infidelity.

It's up there in the list of classics alongside the gaslighting, the blaming the wife/partner, blaming depression, blaming addictions, the 'lets go to counseling' etc. in the script.

He made decisions to push things (of let things move) onto a sexual level with her, regardless of being a married man with a family (bad enough) and her being a family friend with relationship/mental health/emotional problems (even worse).
That is not the behaviour of someone with integrity. If childhood issues cause you to have low integrity, (doubtful) then the outcome is still the same; he's a cheat/potential cheat with low integrity. Don't let him wrap you up in sob stories and excuses, whatever you decide in time.

O also think there's probably more that you didn't find and he'll have deleted it now, and communicated with her to warn her and get stories straight.

merville · 19/12/2018 10:30

(Also if he has those childhood issues and knows what it's like to experience instability, feel abandoned etc. ; Why would he act in a way likely to destabilise his family and his children lives. Wouldn't he do everything possible to give them a stable, happy family?)

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