I didn’t listen

[Changingagain1]

I posted here nearly 3 years ago asking if my relationship was abuse. You all wonderful ladies gave me such good advice and were so kind to me. But I stayed.

So now I ask, how did you work up the courage to leave? To leave your lifestyle you’ve built, to admit to everyone the relationship you try to portray as perfect is horrific, to separate your children from their father? To break the financial ties when he is the higher earner and you both have debt?

Of course things have gotten worse, they always do. I feel like a walking stereotype. Last time I posted about the constant insults, the angry shouting and him throwing a knife at the door because I forgot something from the shop. Now I don’t have 1 child, I have 2 and I’m also heavily pregnant.

During this time the shouting is the same, he hasn’t got help for his behaviour, he snaps at me for the smallest things, he picked up an entire mattress and threw it at me because I was ‘late’ to set off for our holiday even though we still had plenty of time. He’s thrown me off the bed before because I was winding him up.

And now yesterday a prime example of my life. Our kids were up early and it was my turn to give him a sleep in but I was too tired and wouldn’t get out of bed. He went downstairs filled up the kettle and poured cold water all over me and the bed. It was awful. Then still tired from being pregnant and two young kids, later on I fell asleep on the sofa so he called me a lazy fat arse or something like he always does. I spent half the day crying and having to put on my fake mask of happiness carting the kids round to classes/parties etc.

He’s a lot older than me as well, I’ve been with him since I was 18 and I’m heavily dependent on him. He pays all the rent and bills, I live in his home town, I can’t drive, we have CC debt, I rely on his mother for childcare to work.

Do I stay with him until I pay off my debt? Ask him to leave now? Or give up my job, life, friends, my children’s schools etc and run away pregnant and try to start again? Please if you’ve got this far thank you

Bloody hell my heart stopped reading that, especially pouring water on you! Do you have any family or friends for support?

You phone Women's Aid and you ask them to find you a refuge. It may be elsewhere in the country but you will be free. If you are not able to call, you tell your midwife.

OP you need to get out ASAP. Womens aid, family, friends, GP, HV - tell everyone what is happening. This is very very serious.

Also tell his mother about this. The pouring cold water all over you made me blench. You cannot bring up children in this environment.

Others will be along to tell you how to get out safely - but go you must.

Only tell his mother if it is safe for you to do so, obviously.

Sometimes we don’t leave when we should.

But we leave when we have the strength to do so.

You can empower yourself by taking control of practical things. entitledto.com to work out what benefits you are entitled to will be a start. Make sure child benefit is in your name.

Get your paperwork in order.

Are you married?

You aren’t separating your children from their father. The parent/child relationship is there regardless of whether you are together. It just works differently. He won’t stop being their father because you aren’t his partner.

I feel so stupid for getting myself into this position. So tied up to a man where the warning signs were there from the beginning. From repeating my childhood abuse from my mother who would shout and hit me and then apologise and tell me she loved me. I can’t go to her for help, she’s on a cocktail of pills for her MH after being sectioned. My sister who brought me up from when I was 14 I could go to her and she would help me but she has so many of her own problems, abusive partner and alcoholism. I’m so bloody alone, his mum and sister I am close to and would be ashamed of him but he’s a very imposing person and he just wouldn’t listen and gets defensive.

I feel so bloody alone, I had a shitty childhood and have worked my ass off to build a life for myself with a good degree, good job and living in a nice area and my kids going to good schools. They have everything I wish I had whereas sometimes I wasn’t even fed as a child. I’m so alone and no one knows the real me or the shit I put up with daily

You will be giving your children the best Christmas gift they could ask for if you get away from this horrible man.

A gift that will last the rest of their lives.

He clearly has his own issues, but they are not yours to sort out. He has had plenty of chances.

Phone Women's Aid. There will be people who have been in your shoes and worse.

I wish you every strength.

Thank you everyone, we’re not married thankfully and I’m lucky to have income as I work. Would it be bad to wait to get some money together and Christmas out of the way first?

DV incidents tend to increase over Christmas. I can understand you wanting to do that, but it isn't worth it.

I echo what @Catsize says about Christmas.

Talk to Women’s Aid about your options.
I am no expert but it might be possible to get an injunction as he has poured water on you.
Is it HA or Council Housing? I have known a woman with children get a court order against an abusive DH and get the HA tenancy transferred to her.

Knowledge is power. Talk to everyone possible about your rights and options. Make an appointment at CAB and find out where you would stand wrt both debt and maintenance and benefits. And your housing rights.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Look online.

It is very easy for all of us observing from afar to say ‘leave now’ but the reality is that women either flee in a rush in response to extreme violence, or they wait and wait until their own ‘tipping point ‘, when they find the courage, and a practical way out.

You have reached your tipping point, so equip yourself with the knowledge and practicalities.

Be very careful: rule one is that women leaving abusive men are most at risk once the man knows she is leaving.

Gather money, documents (or photocopies) and knowledge, but keep it to yourself unt you really can go and know where you are going.

Gather your strength and free your happy future!

I’ve googled woman’s aid. Now to just work up the courage to call them tomorrow when he’s at work. I can understand why DV increases over Christmas, imagining the whole week with him off of work makes me feel slightly scared and I know I shouldn’t ever feel that way. I just feel my life is going backwards, like I ‘made it’ out of my old horrible life and then to possibly end up in a refuge again like I was as a child. Lying to my friends why they couldn’t come over to my house when it was because no one was allowed in. I’m scared to be without financially again. I’m scared to go hungry again. I have so many issues and I try to hide them but they’re all resurfacing

Beanbaglady thank you that is so helpful. Our house is HA and if that would be possible that would change things massively for me. I could also change around the children’s days at nursery so I didn’t have to rely on anyone for childcare. I haven’t done the freedom programme but I will google it also thank you again

But you sound far more loving and together than your mum. So please don't feel guilty. Your kids will cope if they have you. They are being progressively damaged at the moment. Get them, and you out. Big hugs and no guilt please...you sound amazing xxx

If you are in a housing association property then that is definitely another avenue of support.

Phone women’s aid. I did this after I finally realised I had to get out with my kids. Found me a refuge place local (it needed to be at the time) within 3 weeks. If I had been prepared to move anywhere they’d had have got us somewhere within hours
I was told.

You can do this OP. I have every faith in you.

I’m in HA, and mine has a specific domestic abuse policy, yours should too. When you can do so safely, look it up and contact them. They can help you to keep your home. I agree with what pp’s have said about Christmas. Look at it another way, how great would it be to take the steps now to start 2019 free from fear? It’s easy in your situation to keep thinking “i’ll get this or that out of the way first” but then you’re just stalling. Call women’s aid and your housing association tomorrow. You will feel so much better once you take those first steps.

Just to mention OP, it can be really hard to get through to Women's Aid on the main national number so if you struggle you can scroll down this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ til you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and enter your town and local services for your area will come up. They probably won't be open 24 hours like the national number but it's usually easier to get through and speak to someone during office hours.

Please call though, they will be able to help you make a safe plan to get out/get him out and will know what your best options are for housing/finances/legal stuff. I hope you know how brave and strong you are to be trying to get yourself and DC away from his abuse, you might not feel it right now but you will look back and be proud once you're free. Sending love and strength, you can do this

The thing which gave me such clarity was looking at my children. Would this be good enough for them? Would I want them living in the same relationship as I had? So if it wasn’t good enough for them, why was it good enough for me?

Did I want them to think this was how relationships work?

This told me I was doing the right thing.

You aren’t alone OP. We are here. Many of us have walked in your shoes. I can’t tell you what it meant to have the support of strangers on MN. They were there when I needed someone.

Oh my goodness. A little bit of me broke reading this.

You don’t deserve this and you need out. Anyway you can.

I want to give you the biggest hug and I’m so sorry I can’t do anything to help you.

You know it’s time

Op, this probably feels like a huge step, but sine he throws things at you, throws things in the house (the knife ) and poured water on you, these are things you can tell the police. Look and see if your local police have a specialist DV unit. You will probably need police support to get the HA to give you the tenancy.

You can contact them and seek their advice.

Thank you so much everyone, I hope you all know how much your helpful and kind words mean to me and make me feel less alone and encouraging me to finally do this! It’s the only space I’ve felt anonymous enough to express the truth and it’s so good to finally let it all out and be met with kindness and support. I will make it out this time, it’s so clear to me now that things only get worse and you only get more tied together as time goes on

Beanbag I’m too scared to involve the police incase social services get involved. It’s my worst nightmare, but I will definitely keep it in mind if it does become my last chance for an out

Make sure you're safe online if there's any chance he has access to your devices OP, delete history or use private browsing so he doesn't get wind you're planning to leave. Stay safe

OP do you have any friends that you can talk to, that can offer support during this time? If it was someone I knew, even a bit, I'd do everything I could to help them, emotionally and practically.
You're going through a shit time, but I promise you that once you get away from this "man", things will get better