I didn’t listen

[Changingagain1]

I posted here nearly 3 years ago asking if my relationship was abuse. You all wonderful ladies gave me such good advice and were so kind to me. But I stayed.

So now I ask, how did you work up the courage to leave? To leave your lifestyle you’ve built, to admit to everyone the relationship you try to portray as perfect is horrific, to separate your children from their father? To break the financial ties when he is the higher earner and you both have debt?

Of course things have gotten worse, they always do. I feel like a walking stereotype. Last time I posted about the constant insults, the angry shouting and him throwing a knife at the door because I forgot something from the shop. Now I don’t have 1 child, I have 2 and I’m also heavily pregnant.

During this time the shouting is the same, he hasn’t got help for his behaviour, he snaps at me for the smallest things, he picked up an entire mattress and threw it at me because I was ‘late’ to set off for our holiday even though we still had plenty of time. He’s thrown me off the bed before because I was winding him up.

And now yesterday a prime example of my life. Our kids were up early and it was my turn to give him a sleep in but I was too tired and wouldn’t get out of bed. He went downstairs filled up the kettle and poured cold water all over me and the bed. It was awful. Then still tired from being pregnant and two young kids, later on I fell asleep on the sofa so he called me a lazy fat arse or something like he always does. I spent half the day crying and having to put on my fake mask of happiness carting the kids round to classes/parties etc.

He’s a lot older than me as well, I’ve been with him since I was 18 and I’m heavily dependent on him. He pays all the rent and bills, I live in his home town, I can’t drive, we have CC debt, I rely on his mother for childcare to work.

Do I stay with him until I pay off my debt? Ask him to leave now? Or give up my job, life, friends, my children’s schools etc and run away pregnant and try to start again? Please if you’ve got this far thank you

An abusive childhood is very damaging and can leave us prone to getting involved in dysfunctional relationships as adults, this mostly happens unconsciously and (aiui) is to do with trying to work through or resolve things by recreating the power dynamic which existed when we were a child.

You are in a tight spot and he has you very locked down, you can get good help and support on here but as said it's important not to tip him off in any way whilst you weigh things up and make a plan.

The incidents that you describe strike me as sinister and dangerous.

I think I remember you posting before

Going into a refuge could literally save your life

Phone in the morning and speak to,someone who can give you your options. How heavily pregnant are you ?

You will always have mine and rest of the people here as support.

This is your place to talk. And we will listen.

The sooner you take this action the better. You and your children will suffer if you don’t.

He is a cruel, disgusting bully and you need to be at your best with baby on the way.

You can’t keep going on like this. There’s so many steps and confusion but you will do this

He put cold water in the kettle?! Presumably because you don't own a jug?

I say this because, I believe he was sending you a very serious message. It's cold water this time. He wants you to be scared, terrified, and never pull that shit again. Get up as soon as you are needed. No laying in bed tired and exhausted. You're carrying his baby, but fuck that. Cold water this time.

Please please be careful formulating your escape plan. Keep a grab bag ready but we'll hidden. Leave with nothing but the kids if you have to.

Op, so very sorry you are going through this. This man is beyond despicable. He has no respect for you or your children.
Please contact your HV, they really will be able to support you. Do not be afraid of social services, they can offer an absolute raft of support. They will help you leave him. Safely. The domestic violence agencies are also invaluable, not just now but long term. They are not to be scared of, they will want to help you and can work wonders with housing and childcare options if necessary.

Will you need to give up your job?

Are you scared he will track you down or you'll have to move to another town?

If you are scared of that, if you work for a large company is there any chance of a transfer to a different office?

I hear you OP. I came from a poor background too, got a degree, good secure well paid job. Then fucked it all away at the demand of my arse of a husband. I feel such an idiot trying to start over at my age. So you are not the only one. That's what it is like being in an abusive relationship. Takes a while to realise it, then you perhaps don't realise just how bad it is, because it has become normal. And maybe your confidence and sense of being able to manage on your own is shot. And then there are the practicalities, housing, being able to support yourself, your kids, Then there's the sheer unfairness of us. Why should we have to end up being poor and starting over when they get to keep their comfortable life? So maybe we should be kinder to ourselves. Its the man whose being the abusive arse, so why are we calling ourselves names?

If you’ve got a good degree and a good job then can you afford to rent a flat on your own with the kids? You only need a two bedroom place. Anything just to get you out? You don’t have to leave the area

As said, the kettle full of cold water is a threat that next time the punishment will be worse

I think it would be good to keep a detailed record of any incidents, obviously make sure he cannot access it

Op, just wanted to say creditcard debt is not a priority debt and can be written off or frozen & paid back in tiny amounts. It's not ideal and not great for your credit rating, but that you can rebuild that. It's very unimportant in the scale of things.

Talk to your housing association, talk to domestic violence services, get help.

You are amazing to have coped with all the adversity you have experienced. You have a degree, a career and two soon to be three lovely dc. You also have support from your friends and family. You could have the wonderful life you deserve if you leave this man. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Chiming in to support you. Yes the kettle was a threat, ‘this time it’s cold’.

Take advice of ringing local women’s aid.

Do you have your own bank account? Can you open a Monzo one or whatever and start saving getaway money?

Birth certs, passports, but even those you can get reissued, no?

Also, yes, you do sound amazing.

I hope you let that ‘water torture. ‘ be the last time he ever hurts you.

I don’t know this woman, but a woman in our town fled her abusive partner, with her three kids in tow

She was found a place to stay and loads of us rallied round with money, and things to set her house up

Just do it. Best Christmas present ever

Many, many years ago, we were getting an extension built..starting on the day after Boxing Day.
I boxed up a load of toys and outgrown clothes and took them on Boxing Day...this was about 30 years ago..to the women’s aid shelter just as a mother and her four children turned up, looking hurt, hunted and confused.

Such a sad sight but what a brave women to get away at a time when the whole country is practically on lock down.

Please make those calls and make your escape

A new happy life awaits.

I only found out last year, that my lovely cousin who has such a happy life now with her third husband( second one died) turned up at women’s aid with three children after her husband had knocked her teeth out.

Thank god she did.
They meet up occasionally to do with family matters. She’s jet setting all over and he has a miserable life.

Hello everyone, I thought I would update you all as you all helped me so much more than you could ever know. Re-reading this thread has kept me reminded of why I needed to leave and not just fall for the nice stage again.

I have managed to break away. I know you all said leave immediately and I probably did endanger us by not but I needed to get a plan in place, get through Xmas and my DS bday. I also needed to make it through to my maternity leave so my job is secure. I finally told my sister about the true extent of what was going on and am now staying in her house for support and help with the kids half the week. For the other half where we have commitments in my town my mum stays with me in our house for safety. He is back living with his mother. I owe a lot to my mum, she’s a tough lady and when time came to confront the situation of no longer being together she was there. It’s only due to massive circumstance change of her finally being on the right medication for her MH issues that this has been possible. I could have never done it without them, I would of been too scared to say I don’t want to be together. The time since Christmas was awful, no physical incidents just the shouting and swearing but as bad as this sounds I have just had to take it silently to make it through to the point where I could leave without being destitute. He messages me often with the usual crap of how sorry he is but I’m lucky I have a very good relationship with his Mum still so most communication about the kids can be done through her where I feel safe. It’s only been a few weeks but I already feel a million times better, I don’t jump out of my skin as much when I hear a raised voice, or plaster a fake smile on. And now my sister and Mum know how what he’s truly like behind closed doors he can’t play mr nice guy anymore.

It’s very early days but I feel massively positive, I thought it was important to update to let you know your words do make a difference. No one made me feel stupid for not leaving the very first time, and the comment about the kettle being hot next time was chilling to me. Any one who could treat someone that way in their most vulnerable state of being pregnant, will never change. I just couldn’t see a way out before. I will say thank you once more, time to look forward to my new baby and future with the children in a house with no raised voices

You are brilliant and so proud of you x

So proud of you op, well done for doing what's best for you and your children

Please don’t be scared of the police or sw. I was terrified too, they will help you and support you.
Reading your post takes me back two and a half years, I wish I could give you a glimpse into my life now. It’s definitely not all been easy but I have peace and my own place and enough money to look after me and my kids.
Phone women’s aid, they are amazing. Get out because it’s becoming physical.

@Sunnydays78 I think you need to read the update.
Well done OP you sound SO much happier than before, and no wonder! Make sure you stay away, as I'm sure you will with the help of your family, and bring up your children in a calm and respectful atmosphere. Great!

That's an amazing update op. Well done youv e shown incredible strength and bravery.

OP you are awe inspiring.

Well done OP. You are amazing