Partner repulsed by me

[Fatandnotfab]

Hi apologies if this is too long I shall try to keep it short. I have been with OH for 15years, since we were both at school apart from a split (his idea, he wanted to basically sleep around) which lasted about a year but we maintained contact the whole time. We got back together, things were great we had a baby and moved in together and things were great. However for the past 2 years I constantly think about whether I should end it. I honestly believe he just doesn't find me attractive anymore although he doesn't say it his behaviour towards me speaks volumes. He never compliments me, makes me feel self conscious basically saying i have bad breath (I had just been at the dentist and they found no issues at all) he won't kiss or cuddle me. He used to kiss me whenever he left the house that has also stopped. If he goes out with the guys I don't hear from him for the whole period, whereas before he would always text just to see what I was up to. Obviously I'm not perfect and I have started to withold affection also but on the occasions I do try to be loving I start to feel embarrassed by the way he disregards me altogether. I also have put on a LOT of weight, I'm talking 5stone but I feel so miserable I can't stick to a diet at all. Basically is there any hope? I am doing a shake diet starting today as regardless of whether we stay together I need to lose weight. If you have been with someone who has put on a lot of weight how did you feel towards them? I also make an effort to buy nice underwear etc and we do have sex but he never seems that into it and cannot ejaculate unless it is particularly rough (which is fine as I enjoy it) but sometimes it feels like he genuinely hates me.

I don’t see how you can be with him if you feel he hates you.

He sounds horrible.

OP I really think this relationship is over. Sorry. I don't think you should be looking to lose weight for his benefit - for yours of course you should. He does not sound loving towards you at all. In fact, he is doing nothing for your mental health and confidence.
The fact he ended things so he could sleep around speaks volume as to the type of man he is. You should never have taken him back.
Dump him, lose weight and look fabulous.

I think you should get away from him so that you're not inadvertently valuing yourself based on how he values you. It's hard to separate after a long time in a relationship.

But if you lose him, you will be measuring yourself by your ideals, priorities, values, goals. You can motivate yourself for the things that matter to you and treat yourself when you choose to.

I know my very critical inner voice only shut up for long enough to allow me to think when I left my x

My x was an arse but my critical inner wasn't his fault I guess but the two were linked. I'm good to myself now. I look after myself and I value myself and that ripples out.

Sorry I wasn't very clear, I meant he hates me as in during sex he needs to be rough etc to be able to finish. When we separated years ago we were both young, I of course was devastated & wanted him back. I now see that we should not have got back together but honestly until I gave birth to our child things were great. I don't know if he treats me this way hoping I will end it? Like I say I'm not completely innocent in this and have been on anti depressants in the past few months so I don't know if my feelings are clouding my judgement. He also tells me I'm not the same person he met and I often think too if he behaved this way at the beginning I wouldn't have got together with him. I know I am no longer attractive and wonder now that he knows this he feels nobody else would want me so he isn't worried? I've no idea!

Honestly I would end it....

If YOU feel uncomfortable at your current weight then dump him and put your efforts into getting in shape. Over time this rejection will take a massive toll on your self esteem.

You deserve a healthy sex life with someone who wants you not not zones out and lies there like a corpse then bumps away like a rabbit to finish.

When you dump him you feel a new lease of life to get into shape and be able to find someone who appreciates your sexy undies and affections.

Good luck xx

What's keeping you together?

It sounds like this relationship has run its course. I'm sorry - I know it's hard but I think that you would be happier in the long run if you separated.

I know you didn't ask for weight loss tips, but shake diets are crazy and only work short term - you can only stay on them for so long before you run out of willpower, start eating everything in sight and put the weight back on again. Plus you will feel queasy, exhausted and despondent most of the time.

I am two stone into a three and a half stone weightloss and I have done it through weight watchers - I follow it plan to the letter in the week and eat what I want at weekends. I lose an average of 1.5 pounds a week and I know I can do this basically forever so the weight is never coming back.

You need to be kind to yourself and feed your body what it needs - not starving it as a punishment, not stuffing it with junk as a "treat". You can do it, OP.

I put on 3 stones, and all he sees is that my boobs got bigger your partner sound horrible. Weight has nothing to do with love. We also age, all of us. And we still love. Dont waste your life on somebody who treat you with less than love..

It seems like you have outgrown each other. You got together really young and never really explored and experienced other people. This was evident with his 1 year break. It seems like hes being horrible intentionally so that you can separate.

That sounds absolutely horrible and like no one is happy at all. I think you know you need to end things. Concentrate on yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally and get happy again. You deserve to be happy.

Anti depressants could be part of the reason you've put on so much weight. 5 stone is an awful lot though, it would take a saint not to be slight put off by a gain of that amount, unless it was genuinely unavoidable for medical reasons.

Bad breath isn't always a dental issue. Could you get checked for something like tonsil stones, poor liver function or recurrent sinus problems or digestive issues?

He has fallen out of love with you and even if you solved the weight and breath issues I don't think anything will change. The best thing to do is to split. It sounds to me as though he is only there out of habit, guilt or convenience and I wouldn't be surprised if he is not entirely faithful, either. Eventually he will leave for someone else, I think. It's better you split now, on your terms while you feel more able to take control of your response to it.

Being single may give you the motivational boost you need to work on your weight. Staying with him is bad for your self esteem. In the long run you'll be happier without him. You need to face facts - you are flogging a dead horse here. Once someone has stopped fancying you it's virtually impossible to get that back.

Thank you I will take any tips i can! I actually do have a weightwatchers account so may log in & start again. I don't know what's keeping me here, like I say he doesn't actually say out loud he doesn't find me attractive so I don't know if I'm depressed & putting this on him when actually it's my own feelings. Things have not been good for a long time and I sometimes sit in the car outside after work as I dread coming into the house. God that sounds awful written down. He does have some good points and when i see him with his friends he's the man I fell in love with but people don't know the real him. I know this cannot go on but he seems fine to plod along. If he despises me the way I feel he does why would he not just leave!?

Have you actually talked to him about any of this?

Also for fresh breath you really do need to floss regularly. Even if your teeth and gums appear to be healthy, if there is food debris trapped and rotting for weeks on end in the tight gaps between your teeth it won't smell pleasant.

It sounds like you hate yourself.

You're blaming him but it's you doing the hating of yourself

Sounds like not much reason left to be together. You are worth more than this op. He doesn't even sound nice. When I met dh I was glam and slim. Over the next 5 years I put on over 3 stones and I'm only short so it really showed. Dh didn't change towards me one jot. I lost the weight in the end when I finally found the willpower. If he loves you then your weight shouldn't matter and there are helpful ways he could support you to lose it.

I think he's properly there out of a sense of guilt and responsibility and is feeling very trapped and frustrated so he's lashing out and being unkind to you as a way to vent his frustration.

But that's not fair. If his feelings have changed he should be man enough to deal with that. The trouble is, he probably doesn't want to be painted as the cad who left his wife and children. I think he needs you to give him permission to go - he wants you to say that you know it's not working for either of you, so he can feel less guilty.

probably not properly!

Thank you I will look into the bad breath although I have asked several other family members and nobody has mentioned it being an issue but if it is then of course it must be off putting. Although I don't know who else to see, a GP? I know 5stone is a lot of weight and I am no longer attractive however I am a kind and decent person, a good mother, keep our home clean and tidy and cupboards stocked. I will do all I can to sort out these issues but I am at a loss as to where to start. I think I probably over eat as I am constantly stressed and worries about what tomorrow will be like. This cannot go on you are all right.

The best weight for you to get rid of is the dead weight that is your awful OH! Start with that.

Talk to him. You have to confront him. Make an informed decision to separate or to repair your marriage with couples counselling.

Regarding the weight gain, don't beat yourself up about it. Depression is probably a factor. Once you're in a better place emotionally and psychologically, it will be easier to address. Ditch the shakes though, you don't need gallstones and a fucked up metabolism.

I know it may have been a long time ago, but when you split and he went off with this one and that one, how did you feel when you got back together - presumably shit, I would think? You've probably lost your confidence and don't sound too happy, hence the weight gain. You need to think to yourself what has changed in you regarding this relationship, your weight etc and work out how you could be better off and happier. If that means trying to lose the weight, just remember that because you're so unhappy presently, it will be hard to do. You need to be in the right mindset .. good luck - I hope all works out for you

Why don't you speak to him op? The fact you say you feel miserable could be something to do with this, ie his behaviour, sometimes it's hard living with someone with depression.

Yes in an ideal world a partner would be all loving and supporting for months on end, but in reality it takes its toll living with someone with mental health issues dayin and day out and it can cause people to withdraw if it becomes too all consuming ie constant misery.

I think uou need to focus on you, get yourself happy again, happy with yourself, your weight, your mood, your mental health.

What an absolute gold plated shit your DH is. He has made you feel self conscious and diminished. How mean.

By all means try and lose weight if it helps you, but honestly this is not about your weight, or your breath. Btw, I doubt whether you have continuous bad breath. Someone else would have told you, for certain, especially if you have asked.

If you can find the strength to end this relationship, please do, there is a much better life waiting for you.