Partner repulsed by me

[Fatandnotfab]

Hi apologies if this is too long I shall try to keep it short. I have been with OH for 15years, since we were both at school apart from a split (his idea, he wanted to basically sleep around) which lasted about a year but we maintained contact the whole time. We got back together, things were great we had a baby and moved in together and things were great. However for the past 2 years I constantly think about whether I should end it. I honestly believe he just doesn't find me attractive anymore although he doesn't say it his behaviour towards me speaks volumes. He never compliments me, makes me feel self conscious basically saying i have bad breath (I had just been at the dentist and they found no issues at all) he won't kiss or cuddle me. He used to kiss me whenever he left the house that has also stopped. If he goes out with the guys I don't hear from him for the whole period, whereas before he would always text just to see what I was up to. Obviously I'm not perfect and I have started to withold affection also but on the occasions I do try to be loving I start to feel embarrassed by the way he disregards me altogether. I also have put on a LOT of weight, I'm talking 5stone but I feel so miserable I can't stick to a diet at all. Basically is there any hope? I am doing a shake diet starting today as regardless of whether we stay together I need to lose weight. If you have been with someone who has put on a lot of weight how did you feel towards them? I also make an effort to buy nice underwear etc and we do have sex but he never seems that into it and cannot ejaculate unless it is particularly rough (which is fine as I enjoy it) but sometimes it feels like he genuinely hates me.

To put it bluntly I do think weight gain in a partner is unatractive men are always seen as the bad guy if they comment on a woman's weight but if I was with a man who put on 5 stone which is quite a lot I would find it a turn of as well.
Aside from that he does seem to of checked out of the relationship not sure if that's down to the weight gain or just how he feels.

Even if he is put off by the weight gain he shouldn’t be treating you like that or speaking to you in a deregatory way.

If he loved you he’d be supportive and help you to be healthy.

Please leave him, you are worth a million times more.

Oh and theres no better diet than the break up diet!!

On the weight front exercise is as important as diet. Do you have any free the in which you could do some - brisk walking, hiking, swimming, anything like that.

My ex husband stopped having sex with me and kisses were of the sort you'd give your Mum. I did think it may be down to my weight gain so I lost 4 stone. All he did was jab my ribs and call me skinny. If you are overweight and do need to lose some then do it but do it for your health and yourself not to keep a man, in my experience it doesn't work.

Wow a 14-16! I thought you were going to say you were hugely overweight - and importantly, even if you were that would be no reason for him to treat you this way and you’d be just as worthy of love and respect as you were at a size 6. But a 14-16 is a completely unremarkable size. If you feel better a bit slimmer and fitter, by all means get healthier, but I think you have a partner issue here, not a weight issue.

From what you said I think the major problem is that the weight gain has made you hate yourself which is turn has made you feel less affection towards your partner and now things are very strained towards you both.

I am not saying that he is not to blame here but the majority of your post was about your weight issues. I feel the same at times and recently I made a change.

I think you should join a gym, get a personal trainer or go too the classes. Start eating healthy, shake diets are crap and they are not for long-term results. I would recommend you download an app called myfitnesspal, it works out your goals and how many calories you should eat a day. Try to get more protein in your diet and less carbs and sugar.

I generally eat scrambled eggs or boiled eggs for breakfast, cereal, you can also have oats with fruit etc. Lunch, soups, sandwiches, pasta, salads. For dinner, I make a lot of homemade healthy curry's, spag Bol, chicken wings, sweet potato, sweet corn. You want to make home made food and avoid processed food. If you cut out all junk, take aways, fast foods from your diet that will be a good start. In the gym try some weight training, HIIT training and cardio combined. If there is a pure gym near you I would recommend you join one and speak to a PT even for just advice.

I think if you start making these changes, you feel feel more happy in yourself, your partner will notice you again and the weight will drop off. Even if in the end you want to leave him, you will still feel good and look good for you. If you want any advice, just ask.

Fads like diet shakes don't work. Weight loss has to be slow and steady to be sustainable. And he doesn't seem to hate you. He mostly seems apathetic, like he's no longer attracted.

Could you suggest trying to lose weight together? You have low self-esteem and you're both depressed, overweight and have a rubbish sex life - a healthy diet and regular exercise could potentially help you in all those areas.

And ignore anyone saying a size 14-16 is fine. Unless you were dangerously underweight beforehand then a 5 stone weight gain is going to push any woman into the very overweight or obese category.

There's been some interesting research into shake diets recently, so maybe give these articles a read: www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-45653279
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-46363869

With proper support from a doctor and counsellor, a low calorie shake and soup diet was shown to be a very effective way of losing weight. But as one doctor says: "...the only way it will work is if using the programme as a means to future change, as a stepping stone to change eating habits for good."

So shakes aren't the devil. They just don't work if people don't have the right support and the ability to make long term changes to their diet and lifestyle.

I also think you should be more open with each other about your mental health issues. What was your reaction and what support did you give him when he mentioned that he felt depressed?

I don't think this is as one-sided as other people are suggesting. You both sound equally miserable and difficult to live with. If he's really so awful then just leave.

Diet shake meal replacements may work with someone who has a very healthy, balanced relationship to food. But OP seems to be prone to overeating when unhappy or stressed. For her, it probably won't work and may even lead to worse overeating. She should see an expert in any case.

It won’t be the answer to everything but I would start running - do the Couch to 5k plan. You will lose weight, but also exercising helps lift your mood and will help your self esteem. You might find things improve with your partner as you start to feel like your old self again and I think a good exercise plan will help that. Good luck.

OP, I can recommend Couch 2 5K. Brilliant and very doable. Don’t be put off by moving up a stage each week. It took me 6 weeks to move from Level 1 to Level 2. 10 months to do the whole programme. You can adapt it to you. I lost 18lbs and lost weight in my problem areas (backside/hips & thigs/tummy, like I’d NEVER DINE BEFORE.

GOOD TIP Mumma

NEVER DONE BEFORE 😡