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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner repulsed by me

62 replies

Fatandnotfab · 16/12/2018 09:38

Hi apologies if this is too long I shall try to keep it short. I have been with OH for 15years, since we were both at school apart from a split (his idea, he wanted to basically sleep around) which lasted about a year but we maintained contact the whole time. We got back together, things were great we had a baby and moved in together and things were great. However for the past 2 years I constantly think about whether I should end it. I honestly believe he just doesn't find me attractive anymore although he doesn't say it his behaviour towards me speaks volumes. He never compliments me, makes me feel self conscious basically saying i have bad breath (I had just been at the dentist and they found no issues at all) he won't kiss or cuddle me. He used to kiss me whenever he left the house that has also stopped. If he goes out with the guys I don't hear from him for the whole period, whereas before he would always text just to see what I was up to. Obviously I'm not perfect and I have started to withold affection also but on the occasions I do try to be loving I start to feel embarrassed by the way he disregards me altogether. I also have put on a LOT of weight, I'm talking 5stone but I feel so miserable I can't stick to a diet at all. Basically is there any hope? I am doing a shake diet starting today as regardless of whether we stay together I need to lose weight. If you have been with someone who has put on a lot of weight how did you feel towards them? I also make an effort to buy nice underwear etc and we do have sex but he never seems that into it and cannot ejaculate unless it is particularly rough (which is fine as I enjoy it) but sometimes it feels like he genuinely hates me.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 16/12/2018 10:17

If it’s the weight alone that’s put him off then he’s a shallow twat isn’t he? But is it possible that it isn’t you at all? Men often also suffer from depression after having children. It’s a big change in anyone’s life. But men seem more prone than women to fail to recognise their feelings for what they are and very often blame feeling miserable on their wife/girlfriend. About a third of relationships I have seen end with the man leaving were relationships where the man suffered a depressive episode and blamed his partner for his low mood. If you think he may behaving mental health problems it may be worth exploring that avenue before calling quits.

M0RVEN · 16/12/2018 10:17

The “ rough sex” is more likely to be due to his porn use than your weight.

If you don’t enjoy that kind of sex then don’t do it.

And I agree with everyone who says leave him, he doesn’t treat you well.

Nicknamesalltaken · 16/12/2018 10:21

He’s not the person you fell in love with. It cuts both ways.

He’s choosing to be a nasty fucker.

I very much doubt you have bad breath, he just knows that’s a weak spot so is using it to hurt you. Like your weight. Your body is amazing, you’ve grown and nurtured your babies. What’s he done? What’s he doing to ensure your love for him? Bugger all. He is punishing you for putting weight on? What a cock.

He’s the problem in the relationship, not you.

Original poster
Fatandnotfab · 16/12/2018 10:23

I do agree I'm probably not easy to live with. Although I was on anti depressants I wasn't crying every day etc I just didn't feel myself or enjoy my life. I have lots of good friends and outwardly nobody in my life knows I am struggling or that my relationship is essentially over. He doesn't know I was on anti depressants, I think that speaks volumes about our relationship that I don't feel able to tell him. He has mentioned feeling depressed some years ago & also doesn't have a lot of friends. I do encourage him to go out etc but he won't. I think he is also miserable with his life he seems angry and moody a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Nicknamesalltaken · 16/12/2018 10:26

does he despise women generally? The porn/rough sex - he doesn’t ‘need’ It.

There’s life after misogynistic wankery. I know it’s easy for us to say LTB, but as someone who has been there, and is now where the grass is green and lush, it’s like coming up for air and breathing again.

I had to get out before I went under completely. Counselling helped, gave me strength, reinforced my boundaries, made me realise it was him, not me. I’d recommend it to help put you back together.

Nicknamesalltaken · 16/12/2018 10:27

Change your username. Don’t buy into the things he tells you you are. It doesn’t mean he’s right.

Original poster
Fatandnotfab · 16/12/2018 10:32

I really appreciate all of your responses. I have never really been confident but I feel happier when I am not with him. When I leave the house with friends/our child a weight is lifted. I know the advice I would give to other people so why can't I do it? I will speak to him tonight and say this can't go on. Like a PP said maybe it will give him the out he is looking for anyway. Thank you so much you are all too kind.

OP posts:
HumourlessFeminist · 16/12/2018 10:32

I agree, think about losing the 12 stone or whatever your partner weighs, then see where you are (hopefully happier).

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 16/12/2018 10:36

I have never really been confident but I feel happier when I am not with him. When I leave the house with friends/our child a weight is lifted.

Oh darling. Sad

It's okay to let this go now. You've tried hard. Make it your new year's resolution to be happy.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 16/12/2018 10:47

Listen lovely, this is an abusive relationship. You owe it to yourself to hold your head high and tell him it is OVER. No going back. It doesn’t surprise me your confidence is non existent. YOU need to have the chance to work on that and he, is detrimental to that process. Who knows what lies ahead of you when you stop being bullied and diminished by this man? I think, you may be surprised 😊

greenpop21 · 16/12/2018 10:48

He doesn't sound as though he loves you. The weight thing is an issue but if he loved you he would try to encourage you, get active together, cook healthily together.
Try to get out and be active to relieve stress instead of eating your way through, but do it for you.
You must feel miserable and I'm sorry as everything is magnified this time of year. Good luck.

madcatladyforever · 16/12/2018 10:53

You need to have an honest conversation with him and ask him outright if he thinks your relationship is over.
It could be he just can't bring himself to say so and expresses this frustration by being rude and hurtful.
If he says he thinks it is then I suggest you tell him that maybe a divorce/separation would be a good idea and that everything is as amicable as possible for the sake of your child and that you'd still like to be friends (even if you don't want to be).
I remained friends with my ex who dumped me and the divorce was so much more amicable and less stressful.
A lot of men act like this when they don't know how to express what they are feeling.

Original poster
Fatandnotfab · 16/12/2018 11:02

I have previously said I didn't think things were right between us and he dismissed it and we have just plodded on since. You're right this time of year makes things worse and I feel that we should be so happy making plans for a lovely Christmas when in actual fact I know he will be moody all day and want to come home from mil house early when the kids are still happy playing. I have nothing to lose by confronting it, If he wants to leave at least I'll know. It's scary when someone is all you've ever known. I have to disagree though he is absolutely not abusive in any way. He just doesn't seem to like me all that much! Younger me was a lot more fun & carefree!

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 16/12/2018 11:04

You are allowed to leave him. He doesn’t have to agree.

madcatladyforever · 16/12/2018 11:07

I'm so sorry OP, I think you need to confront him.
I'm sure you were more fun when you were younger but things change when you have children, it seems as if he has not grown up with you and expects it to me the same as when you first met.
Unfortunately that is impossible. He needs to know how unhappy he is making you and that you will divorce him if he doesn't sort himself out.

Redlocks28 · 16/12/2018 11:14

My DH has put on a similar amount of weight and tbh, I completely hate it-I find his body physically pretty repulsive now. I hate myself for saying that but it annoys me that he likes me to look nice and wear nice things yet he slouches around with his gut hanging out-it’s embarrasing and I would never have looked twice at him if he’d looked this this when we met. It’s not due to illness, disability or anything like that-he just doesn’t seem to know when to stop eating.

However, I still love him very much, am trying to be supportive, to encourage him to loose weight-I am not horrible to him and sex (although sadly quite unsatisfying because of his weight) doesn’t need to be rough-that is really horrible.

If I was you, I’d lose weight-because you clearly want to, but look closely at him and see whether you still want to be with him.

Nicknamesalltaken · 16/12/2018 11:15

Sorry, but it sounds as there’s a fair bit of emotional abuse going on. Him chipping away at your self esteem is one red flag.

Original poster
Fatandnotfab · 16/12/2018 11:24

Yes I totally understand that weight gain is a massive turn off and I am going to address that. It is so helpful to hear it from the perspective of the partner. I should also add he has also gained a lot of weight from when we met (obviously as we were kids) but I still find him attractive. I am also a size 14-16 now so not hugely obese although I was a size 6 prior to our baby being born.

OP posts:
Lost5stone · 16/12/2018 11:33

I put on 5 stone from when me and DP first got together and he never said anything or changed his behaviour towards me. You can lose this weight, it took me just over a year (shakes are not the way to do it!) But do it for yourself not him!

It also sounds like he might have an issue with porn, which is why he wants the rough sex, That's not down to your weight. Don't put up with that shit.

RyderWhiteSwan · 16/12/2018 12:05

OP change your username at once! don't let your current weight define you. If you want to lose weight for yourself, ok. Drop the shakes diet idea - just eat more healthily, fill up on extra veg ( homemade veg soup is great in winter - have a bowl as a starter, eat less main meal).

Sorry but he does sound abusive. Have the talk by all means, but I really feel you'll be much happier without him.

VixenSixen · 16/12/2018 12:15

I don't think there is any reason for you to stay in this relationship.... As a PP said this man is a gold plated shit.

I feel so sorry for you and that you are being treated this way, nobody deserves to be made to feel the way you are.

Me and my ex split up 18 months ago and I had put on around 4/5 stone since having our son. He used to say to me, he would stop smoking if I just lost some weight. It was so hurtful and he made my self esteem and confidence plummet through the floor (this happened over a number of years BTW)

Long story short. I left that relationship, I started working out and swimming 3 times a week. This went hand in hand with eating better - I had struggled with anxiety and depression for many years and the exercise was a total god send for my mental health.

I have just recently hit a 4st weight loss which has been since January and my self esteem and confidence has returned. Leaving a bad emotionally abusive relationship was the best thing I ever did to get back to being myself.

Do you have the time to take up swimming or some sort of exercise?

I hope you find the strength to leave this man and focus on building yourself back up as he has clearly drained you.

💐 You can do this...... Xxx

BlueJag · 16/12/2018 13:33

Why don't you just talk to him or text him. Find out how he feels. Sounds like you aren't living your best life and that's a shame.
Look after yourself and build yourself up.

Heartofglass21 · 16/12/2018 14:06

@Fatandnotfab please change your nickname to something more positive. You deserve it. Being fat isn't forever. You can, and will be, fabulous once more.

PsychedelicSheep · 16/12/2018 15:00

A 14-16 is not repulsive, it's a lovely size imo. You may never be a size 6 again, it's not a very realistic size for most adult women who have had babies.

busybarbara · 16/12/2018 15:06

It does sound like this relationship is over and you should move on. Good luck. But if you have any sense you might get lonely and take him back after a few months of being alone you might want to think again, stay with him for now, lose the weight, then dump him when you're ready to hit the dating world again.