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Original poster

Sleeping with new boy and tinder pops up

56 replies

Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 07:19

Ergh...

Went for dinner with new guy... not had exclusive chat but we are sleeping together for a while and I’m pretty sure he respects and understands that I’m not the sort of girl to be dating other people at the same time.

Anyway, he was showing me something on his phone and a tinder “you have 5 new matches” comes up... immediately I was like kiosk keith, my shutter come down and the mood instantly Changed.

I’ve got issues, anxiety, depression, insecurities about not being wanted and it’s taken me a long time to even give this guy a chance and I’ve now found myself really liking him. (We’re talking months).

I asked him why he’s still got it, he said he hadn’t been on it for months, if that’s the case, why not delete it? I said if we are sleeping together then I don’t want to be in a position where he’s taking other girls out. I wouldn’t do that to him so surely I’m not being unreasonable to expect the same? Or maybe I am. He said o would just have to trust him that he’s not, and I believe he isn’t BUT just delete the app then the temptation is gone. 😤

When we were becoming more of something then I deleted it, out of respect to him more than anything.

Any thoughts??

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 16/12/2018 07:26

You sound very self aware that you are hard work. "my shutter come down and the mood instantly changed"... Can't you talk to this "boy"(?!) and agree exclusivity? In which case, then, yes, you'd have to trust he has deleted it, just as he trusts you (presumably he didn't ask to check your phone?)

rosavalentina · 16/12/2018 07:27

If you haven't had the exclusivity chat then he is more than likely continuing the dating apps, more people seem to date like that these days.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 16/12/2018 07:28

You will just have to trust him

niceupthedance · 16/12/2018 07:28

I think he's been getting away with it all the while you haven't had The Chat. Don't be a cool girl if you don't want to be. Tell him it's not for you

trojanpony · 16/12/2018 07:35

Pathetic behaviour
You are right to question it and you’d be wrong to accept it

5 new matches and not been on it for months? What a crock of shit...

And He said I would just have to trust him?
No actually you don’t - you have other options....

Look if you’ve been on tinder you know that while you might get a random match coming through even though you weren’t on it for a week you don’t get 5 in a day when you haven’t been swiping for a month.

I just asked DP who I met on tinder Grin
If this happened to us two months in
He would have:
Been mortified and apologised lots
shown me the app and that he wasn’t messaging anyone
deleted the app in front of me
Bought me a nice dessert and said “sorry for not thinking” some more

anyone who does online dating knows it’s a head wreck you weren’t seeking unreasonable reassurance and his lacklustre response tells you everything you need to know.
Dump him, run for the hills, don’t look back.

hills

unhelpful I know but I also always had the “WTAF are we actually doing? Are you my boyfriend? Are you seeing anyone else?” Chat before anyone slept in anyone’s bed

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 07:37

Yeah these were my thoughts too, This new style of dating with all these apps and multiple dating parteners is beyond me, it’s not my style, never has been and he is aware of that. He pursued me for a very long time, we’re talking 6/7 months and it’s only recently that we’ve started seeing each other more frequently as a couple.

He ended up going out last night, I’m glad I dragged my room mate out and we had a nice time just to two of us, Christmas jumpers and all.

I do really like him and can imagine being with him for a long time but I don’t want to share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 07:41

Probably need to add that he said he then felt bad for leaving me on a sat night... my response was childish “so you should” ( I was being dramatic) he then asked what I wanted him to do... my response “ do what you want” and I walked off.... such a child 😂 needless to say I haven’t heard from him but my phone died and I was having way too much fun with my room mate to care.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 16/12/2018 07:46

Oh right, so "boy" was correct because given your recent update you sound about 16 and like this is all a game anyway and you are trying to stoke drama. Good luck Hmm

SixButterflies · 16/12/2018 07:47

Room mate? Boy? Are you a teenager?
All sounds very childish.

OliviaStabler · 16/12/2018 07:51

.not had exclusive chat but we are sleeping together for a while and I’m pretty sure he respects and understands that I’m not the sort of girl to be dating other people at the same time.

Unless he has ESP then you need to have the chat. You're hanging heavily on an assumption that you have no idea is true or not.

SoyDora · 16/12/2018 07:55

Boys, girls and room mates? Are you all in your teens?

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 07:57

Never long before the insults come out is it on here 🙄.

My room mate lives in my annex, boy/man/male same thing... you say boyfriend but not man friend, it’s just the words I use.

Not trying to stoke drama, I walked away in one direction as he was leaving to go out in another so wasn’t going to hang around poking for an argument, I made my feelings clear and that was it.

No I’m not 16, haven’t been in my teens for about 20 years 😂 I’ve already said I’ve got insecurities and I know exactly what my down falls are.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 16/12/2018 08:01

I only asked because I genuinely have never heard anyone over 18 call the person they’re sleeping with ‘a boy’!

OrcinusOrca · 16/12/2018 08:03

I don't think it's fair to expect exclusivity if you haven't had the chat. It's a bit awkward for him now because if he has been chatting to other people he's going to feel like he has to lie and say no because he didn't realise you were being exclusive already. He hasn't had the space to admit it without you being difficult eg closed off. You have to give him a chance first.

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 08:04

Oh right, must be a regional thing I hear quite a lot.

OP posts:
Drunkandstupidagain · 16/12/2018 08:05

Something similiar happened to me. I was dating a girl approx 3-4 months,chatting everyday,arranging things for the future etc. Then a friend of mine seen her on tinder! I text her to see what she would say,she started ringing me etc we talked it out and she deleted it. 3 days later I had s feeling something wasn’t right - I made a tinder profile and there she was. That was the end for me! Thankfully though or I’d never met my DP of 4 years! Hope you work it out difficult to trust someone like that

bigchris · 16/12/2018 08:07

I’ve got issues, anxiety, depression, insecurities about not being wanted

Are you getting any help for this ?

It's not a good basis for a relationship, you'll never trust him

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 08:08

I hate exclusivity chats, but you’re right in saying I need to address it if that’s what I want and if he doesn’t then that’s fine at least we both know where we stand and can then go from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 08:11

Yes I’m on medication and have had therapy etc etc I’ve been dealing with this for A number of years now so it’s not something that is new to me.

OP posts:
Procne · 16/12/2018 08:13

You say to him it must have been obvious you weren’t seeing anyone else — fine, but that’s your choice. He’s free to choose differently unless you’ve specifically talked about the fact that this is a dealbreaker for you, as it’s a normal enough thing to do in 2018 dating norms. He’s not psychic. You also seem to think it’s a recognised rule that sex implies an unspoken contract of exclusivity, but again, that’s your interpretation of norms, not his. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I think you need to communicate better.

LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2018 08:19

Glad you’re getting help for your problems, I found therapy excellent for this (After trying a few, which didn’t help much, I found a therapist who specialised in Childhood Issues, and she sorted me out quickly).

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 08:23

Ok, good advice.

I’m so rubbish at talking about my feelings.

And the chance of rejection, but I need to give him an opportunity to tell me how he feels and what he wants. If he wants to see other people then that’s fine, I won’t like it but I’m not ok with that, it’s not what I want.

I did quite well to bring it up, in the past I would have just ignored it in fear of ex spinning round on me and somehow making it my fault. I stayed calm and thought about my words, but I need to now think about what I’m going to say to him.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 16/12/2018 08:24

Don't let your MH be an excuse for his behaviour.

I think your mistake here was to assume he thinks/feels a certain way and that he understands how you feel about things. He is not a mind reader.

Either he's a schmuck, or it's just that you're on different pages of the same book and have different ideas about dating in the early phases.

You need to have that conversation!

Insomnibrat · 16/12/2018 08:30

I think you need to listen to your intuition here, it's telling you something loud and clear.

What has been seen cannot be unseen, start to protect your emotions from this man, the rot is setting in.... sorry op.

Bellendejour · 16/12/2018 08:54

I only just got round to deleting the last of my profiles a few weeks ago - and I’m pregnant! But I genuinely hadn’t accessed it for years (#admin). But I don’t know how tinder works, does it leave you alone when you don’t go on it for a while?

Anyway, rather than focusing on the ins and outs of dating apps I would have ‘the chat’ - it’s completely natural given what’s come up. And it’s not just about deleting dating apps but where you both see this going.

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