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Original poster

Sleeping with new boy and tinder pops up

56 replies

Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 07:19

Ergh...

Went for dinner with new guy... not had exclusive chat but we are sleeping together for a while and I’m pretty sure he respects and understands that I’m not the sort of girl to be dating other people at the same time.

Anyway, he was showing me something on his phone and a tinder “you have 5 new matches” comes up... immediately I was like kiosk keith, my shutter come down and the mood instantly Changed.

I’ve got issues, anxiety, depression, insecurities about not being wanted and it’s taken me a long time to even give this guy a chance and I’ve now found myself really liking him. (We’re talking months).

I asked him why he’s still got it, he said he hadn’t been on it for months, if that’s the case, why not delete it? I said if we are sleeping together then I don’t want to be in a position where he’s taking other girls out. I wouldn’t do that to him so surely I’m not being unreasonable to expect the same? Or maybe I am. He said o would just have to trust him that he’s not, and I believe he isn’t BUT just delete the app then the temptation is gone. 😤

When we were becoming more of something then I deleted it, out of respect to him more than anything.

Any thoughts??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 09:05

Not entirely sure I downloaded it and deleted it soon after, me and new guy didn’t meet on there but I saw him on there when I was.

I’m assuming apps like that try and draw you back in by sending notifications when you haven’t used it for a while.... I just don’t know I wasn’t on it long enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 09:08

So another question... I want to phone him and talk it through... or should I wait for him to contact me?

OP posts:
Thespace · 16/12/2018 09:27

But if he had five matches on one day, then he must have recently swiped on at least five people, probably that same day.

BrusselPout · 16/12/2018 09:31

Phone him, and definitely stop being childish and dramatic - you are painting yourself to be pretty high maintenance.

Playing games is a quick way to kill any kind of relationship, and the whole 'wait for him to contact me' game never ends well

swingofthings · 16/12/2018 09:34

Oh and I met online. It was obvious from the start that it was an exclusive relationship. Yet neither my OH nor I bothered to cancel our profile. I never got anything after the first few weeks but he did, and he showed me and we laughed. Been together 10 years now and he is the most faithful man I've ever met.

D9nt let your insecurity turn you into a nag. It's a real turn off for honest man. You've got a good one here so don't play games. Hell get bored of them and might indeed start reading those messages he's ignored since meeting you.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 16/12/2018 09:40

Call him and talk it through. Don't make it into a "wait and see who calls first". Just tell him how it is and what you want but be prepared it might not be the same for him.

Dating is a brutal business. Especially now.

crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 09:42

You were definitely right to be suspicious and his reaction wasn't great. If he had 5 matches then he's definitely still been swiping. That tells me that he's 'keeping his options open'. Personally I hate OLD so if I met someone I would desperate to delete the apps. Men have a different attitude to it though.

LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2018 09:44

Phone him.

trojanpony · 16/12/2018 09:46

🤦‍♀️ He is still swiping

If you want to talk to him, Don’t sit around and wait - Talk to him.

But if you do and you confirm you are exclusively dating and he is deleting tinder now in front of you forever.

For me that he is still swiping and that when you were upset and he didn’t really bother to comfort you are RED FLAGS 🚩 🚩

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 16/12/2018 10:39

I hate online dating too, it just doesn’t work for me, I’ve heard such lovely stories where couples have met via an app and a couple of my close friends are now married to their tinder matches but I’ve only ever had negative experiences from it.

I’ve messaged him apologising for behaving like a child and can we kiss and make up, he had a xmas party last night so no doubt he’s hiding from the world.

I need to tell him where I am, what I would like and if he doesn’t want the same thing then that’s fine.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 16/12/2018 11:09

I think people get hooked on these sites as ‘entertainment’ even if they aren’t actively ‘looking’ and stopping is a bit like cold turkey,a bit like some of us being say ‘mumsnetless’ for3 months. I certainly knew someone like this, wasn’t even really looking but in a biredmoment would sit just ‘checking out who was on there’ on Tinder

Kennycalmit · 16/12/2018 11:13

Seems like a lot of drama

You “acting like a child” and him lying by saying he’s not actually using tinder. If he’s got 5 new matches then he obviously is still using it!

Either have the chat or continue as you not knowing where exactly you stand.

Thespace · 16/12/2018 11:13

Not sure why you are apologising to him.

biggidybon · 16/12/2018 11:21

This all sounds very petty. Just communicate with him how you feel and what you want from relationship (like an adult... if you are one...) instead of guessing then either move on or take a chance and trust him. You can't control him.

biggidybon · 16/12/2018 11:24

Or the third option, don't communicate, don't trust him or be trying to 'catch him out' and carry on an unhealthy relationship.

Holdingoutforalotterywin · 16/12/2018 15:14

Yeah so I think we are too taken in by “this is just how it works these days”. Yes it is best to have a discussion about not sleeping with other people before you have sexual for the first time, but I think lots of people just accept this as completely necessary now before being able to assume someone is not sleeping with you one day and someone else the next. This has never been acceptable and never will be. I always have the conversation because it seems to be the only way to ensure I am not being cheated on. But my god I shouldn’t have to as it just goes to basic respect for the other person. Men know this is dodgy and online dating has just given the commitment phobic and emotionally stunted ones with a fig leaf to continue wrecking women by their actions and saying ah but I never said I wasn’t having sex with 100 other women as a way out. It’s not right.

As regards the matches it is incredibly unlikely they were old ones and would have been in the last day or so. He lied. Get out before you get too far in.

trojanpony · 16/12/2018 15:20

I’ve messaged him apologising for behaving like a child and can we kiss and make up, he had a xmas party last night so no doubt he’s hiding from the world.

Is this a wind up?

I agree with biggidybon You seem to be quite happy to carry on with this dysfunction so crack on...
ConfusedConfusedConfused

Honestly you’ll be on here in a few years posting about how you are 39 and feel like you “missed your chance” and can’t work out why you couldn’t meet someone nice

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 15:26

Don’t listen to the pointless rudeness of others you sillysausage

He’s active on tinder and he isn’t for you. You can keep pursuing this if you like but it will end in tears.

You suffer anxiety, he heightens this not helps. Get rid. It’ll get worse.

You did the right thing going out with your friend.

Not everything is about finding someone. Start looking after yourself and someone will come along.

Get rid get rid get rid.

And have a good Christmas ❤️

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/12/2018 15:30

Have it out with him and if you're not satisfied with his response, bin him. I was once dating a guy, I wasn't really that bothered about, so when I saw him on the dating app for the full hour leading up to our date I ended it and moved on.

Musti · 16/12/2018 15:33

I've deleted tinder etc but I still get matches on pof even though I haven't been on it for about 6 months

Musti · 16/12/2018 15:41

This has just made me go into my pof account and delete it. I was hidden but still getting matches. Now deleted.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/12/2018 15:43

I’ve already said I’ve got insecurities and I know exactly what my down falls are.

That's not enough. It seems a somewhat common misconception that it is. It's not enough just to be aware of your shortcomings; you have to mitigate them, and work on them.

In this situation; talk to him and tell him you'd like to be exclusive. It does sound like he's still swiping; Tinder are great at removing inactive people, but you haven't had that conversation yet and it's possible that he still thinks you are too.

Talk to him. And then work out how to deal with things like him going out without the drama. If you can't do that, and you can't keep your insecurities in check (and that is hard; because feeling them and not acting on them is massively difficult initially) this isn't going anywhere anyway. You'll stifle it.

Best of luck Thanks

Thespace · 16/12/2018 16:32

On pof you can get messages without doing anything as you don’t get matches. On tinder he would have to be actively swiping to get 5 matches in a day.

bathsh3ba · 16/12/2018 16:37

If you haven't agreed to be exclusive then I would assume that he is seeing others. Have 'the chat' and take it from there. Another in favour of no sex without commitment but I think we are a dying breed...

Tippexy · 16/12/2018 16:38

Boy?

Hmm
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