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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Xmas party shame...help!

75 replies

Ooho · 15/12/2018 22:50

I'm getting to close to a friend at work. Both of us are attached. I've been very dumb and I'm full of shame.

I haven't been to at the office lately so I haven't seen this person for months but I've known them for 3 years.

We get on so well as friends we have a lot in common but I feel like there has always been a over current of sexual tension.

Until this Xmas party, we've always tiptoed around it and maintained that we were friends.We've meet each other's partners etc.

This time the drink were flowing, my mouth was getting loose. They were hammered. We starting talking about both our partners. I gave them some advice about a situation they are going through.

We talked about how our partners don't like us hanging out together so late. We both agreed that we were just mates.

But we both said that we weren't going home because we wanted to spend more time together.

And we just kept talking and flirting with each other and even though we talked to other people we were attracted to each other like magnets.

Towards the end of the night things started getting real, I was flirting lots being open to being touchy feely and staring into their eyes in what I now realise must have looked so obvious to everyone. I barely broke eye contact. I'm so embarrassed. I got way drunker than usual.

I think they do like me back because they were looking back at me and not moving away or breaking the contact etc.

I don't know why they have this affect on me. I thought people that said things like that were liars but it's true. I feel like a fucking idiot.

I've starting feeling things because we were friends first and there were boundaries, but now there's all this sexual tension.

I feel like I need to stay away from this person but it would be easier if I knew they felt the same way and it was a conscious decision on both our parts. If it was acknowledged but I can't bear to have the conversation.

After the staring, we had a really long hug in the middle of the bar. I instigated it but they didn't push me away.

I'm not sure how long a hug needs to be for it's classied as crossing the line but I think this might have been it. It was over 30 secs, hands around neck deal.

I told them during the party that they were going to make me fuck up my life. They later said that they could feel their morals sliding.

I really want to know if they feel like this too. I feel like a disgusting creepy loser and a slut and a double homewrecker. Is it all in my head?

I get the impression that they would be happy ignoring all this tension building up until we did something stupid. I don't know.

I just need a friend right now and I have no one to talk to that I trust. Can something please give me so advice, share their experience or help?

Does this mean I can no longer love my partner because I started to have feelings for someelse. ?

(I've neutralised the genders because outing.)

OP posts:
user8905 · 15/12/2018 23:02

Why the gender neutral language?

I wouldn't worry too much - lots of stuff happens at Xmas parties that doesn't reflect reality and is quickly forgotten and put down to too much booze. Only you can decide if you feel stronger toward this person than your current partner.

Reflexella · 15/12/2018 23:10

Hangover anxiety.

Don’t panic. You skirted around the line but you didn’t cross it.

Don’t make any decisions or do anything dramatic until you are hydrated.

Original poster
Ooho · 15/12/2018 23:12

Re:gender neutral language...I don't want someone we know to find out.

I do feel strongly for them but I'm also aware of the reality of things.

I do know what's lust and what's genuine feelings for them or for my partner.

I need to sort my head out.

OP posts:
InspectorIkmen · 15/12/2018 23:13

Is it a him or a her? Which are you? I hate all this unnecessary ‘they’ shit as if you’re trying to be all mysterious

LovesLaboursLost · 15/12/2018 23:18

I can’t concentrate on the rest of OP because the idea that knowing the gender would be outing is so ridiculous. But I agree with the hangover guilt thing. Wait until tomorrow to think about it.

ChippyPickledEggs · 15/12/2018 23:21

Yeah, you've been a bit dumb at a christmas party. You and half the christmas party population. As long as you keep your behaviour around this person appropriate from now on, it'll be tomorrows chip paper. Don't worry too much.

fridayrain · 15/12/2018 23:22

OP says they feel like a slut. I imagine this word is used more towards females than males. Or this was all a trap and I will now be bashed for my discriminatory assumption.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/12/2018 23:25

Don't act on any of it, just laugh it off. There are always going to be people you meet that you're attracted to and sometimes they will be attracted to you too. It's no big deal unless you make it into one.

Dirtybadger · 15/12/2018 23:30

They fancy you. You fancy them. You don't need to know anything more. You should feel a bit embarrassed because you essentially told him you wanted to cheat with him. So now show him with your actions you don't mean it. Reject. Avoid. Focus on your relationship and if there are issues discuss that with your partner and/or platonic friends only.

Blondebakingmumma · 15/12/2018 23:38

Have some respect for your partner. If you are looking elsewhere you need to be honest with your current partner and break up

Original poster
Ooho · 15/12/2018 23:44

Sorry, I didn't mean to make the gender thing a distraction. I'm just paranoid. It's not a trap.

@Apileofballyhoo you're right but this has never happened to me in my relationship and I feel like a bad person.

@dirtybadger were sharing their relationship issues with me and I was trying to squash my selfish feelings and be cool. I don't know when this slipped into non-plantonic stuff.

OP posts:
magoria · 15/12/2018 23:46

Looks like your OH is spot on not liking you out with this person. So they may have picked up on something.

Please respect your OH and let them go and find someone who wouldn't cheat.

Original poster
Ooho · 15/12/2018 23:49

@Blondebakingmumma it sounds lame but I did not see this coming in so hot. I was not looking for this. I love my partner. If I'd going to end it, I can't expect to jump another relationship with the other person. They have their own shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooho · 15/12/2018 23:55

@magoria I'm on here trying to talk it out because I don't want to cheat. I don't understand why I feel like this about the other person. I think our partners know we have a lot in common. It's tipped into something else.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 15/12/2018 23:55

OP you said there was sexual tension before. So it wasn't purely platonic before. You were "skirting around" it. Avoid putting yourself in this position by avoiding these sorts of conversations with people under these circumstances. Cut them off if you need to. Change the conversation. Risk being rude. Don't get tempted into discussing the pitfalls of someone else's relationship when you suspect either they fancy you, or if you fancy them. It's not appropriate.

incywincybitofa · 15/12/2018 23:59

If it helps from what you have written you crossed the line at the party way before the hug if not before the party and your partners sense it.
I have Male friends never had to clarify we are just friends, or attached we just know that.
People will gossip or something more interesting will have happened either way your behaviour is the equivalent of chip wrapping to most staff but that's not true for your partners

Original poster
Ooho · 16/12/2018 00:01

@dirtybadger you're right and I've been deluding myself by thinking that skirting around things was avoiding it.

I do regret talking to them about their relationship and giving them advice.

In hindsight, it feels more shady than the hug.

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 16/12/2018 00:06

I bet this scenario has played out at many Xmas parties across the land. It won't be outing at all.
You didn't even kiss them. Yes it's embarrassing however you got to the line but you didn't actually cross it as far as cheating is concerned.

Decide if you want to stay with your partner or not, and make sure you avoid this person from now on unless you are free.

It's not what you've done that's important. It's what you do now...

Lemond1fficult · 16/12/2018 00:07

As someone who has (in the past) been swept away by a ridiculous attraction to someone, the only way to avoid jeopardising your relationship is to avoid them like the plague from now on. You've awakened something, and it's only a matter of time before you properly cross the line.

There's nothing wrong with having feelings (I'm sure it happens to everyone at one time or other) so long as you don't act on them.

Veterinari · 16/12/2018 00:13

The gender thing is irrelevant. Not sure why that’s an issue.

What relevant is the fact that you’re well in the way to an EA what does this guy give you that your partner doesn’t?

Be loyal or be honest and leave

WhirlAndTwirl · 16/12/2018 00:13

Stay away from this person and don’t be a home/marriage breaker.
If your own relationship is not working, look at the reasons as to why and either work on it with your partner or end the relationship and then move on without guilt and shame. You will never be able to walk with your head held high if you have an affair with the office person. You may even have to quit your job when things don’t work out or your boss finds out. Remember, you always have a choice.

Original poster
Ooho · 16/12/2018 00:13

@incywincybitofa It hurts me that I've done this to all four of us. I've always been a moral person and this situation is one of the worst things I've done.

You're right about the chipwrapper = staff, big deal to partners. That cut me, you're right. I've fucked up.

For more background, people have asked at work if anything's happened between us before because we're so "sparky' when we're together.

I don't give a shit what they think. I care about getting my feelings straight so noone gets hurt or disrespected any further.

People I've had great friend connections, I've never really found attractive before so I've no experience with that.

It helps that you say, you don't have to keep reminding them that we're just friends.

We said that a lot last night, clearly not true.

We messaged each other this morning, mostly to keep the veener that everything's fine from my part.

(FYI there was other people with partners kissing and physically cheating at this party. So our very public flirting and hugging is page 6 stuff.)

OP posts:
DeaflySilence · 16/12/2018 00:14

Were your partners at the party with you? I'm guessing not.

Maybe something like a work party, staff only, and neither of your partners work there, but do either of your partners know any of the other people that were at the party?

Is so, and the evening was as you describe, I think you can assume that your partners will get to hear about it.

Before that happens, perhaps you should decide whether you love your partner enough to stop being an emotional cheat, and to put your relationship first. Or not.

Orange6904 · 16/12/2018 00:26

I'm not sure I would be messaging to make sure everything is okay the next morning. I think I'd just distance myself from that person now and put the boundaries back. Don't beat yourself up wondering how this could happen, crushes and attractions happen in long term relationships just don't fuel them or act on anything.

Orange6904 · 16/12/2018 00:28

I just messaged you some links with advice that migth help op.

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