Xmas party shame...help!

[Ooho]

I'm getting to close to a friend at work. Both of us are attached. I've been very dumb and I'm full of shame.

I haven't been to at the office lately so I haven't seen this person for months but I've known them for 3 years.

We get on so well as friends we have a lot in common but I feel like there has always been a over current of sexual tension.

Until this Xmas party, we've always tiptoed around it and maintained that we were friends.We've meet each other's partners etc.

This time the drink were flowing, my mouth was getting loose. They were hammered. We starting talking about both our partners. I gave them some advice about a situation they are going through.

We talked about how our partners don't like us hanging out together so late. We both agreed that we were just mates.

But we both said that we weren't going home because we wanted to spend more time together.

And we just kept talking and flirting with each other and even though we talked to other people we were attracted to each other like magnets.

Towards the end of the night things started getting real, I was flirting lots being open to being touchy feely and staring into their eyes in what I now realise must have looked so obvious to everyone. I barely broke eye contact. I'm so embarrassed. I got way drunker than usual.

I think they do like me back because they were looking back at me and not moving away or breaking the contact etc.

I don't know why they have this affect on me. I thought people that said things like that were liars but it's true. I feel like a fucking idiot.

I've starting feeling things because we were friends first and there were boundaries, but now there's all this sexual tension.

I feel like I need to stay away from this person but it would be easier if I knew they felt the same way and it was a conscious decision on both our parts. If it was acknowledged but I can't bear to have the conversation.

After the staring, we had a really long hug in the middle of the bar. I instigated it but they didn't push me away.

I'm not sure how long a hug needs to be for it's classied as crossing the line but I think this might have been it. It was over 30 secs, hands around neck deal.

I told them during the party that they were going to make me fuck up my life. They later said that they could feel their morals sliding.

I really want to know if they feel like this too. I feel like a disgusting creepy loser and a slut and a double homewrecker. Is it all in my head?

I get the impression that they would be happy ignoring all this tension building up until we did something stupid. I don't know.

I just need a friend right now and I have no one to talk to that I trust. Can something please give me so advice, share their experience or help?

Does this mean I can no longer love my partner because I started to have feelings for someelse. ?

(I've neutralised the genders because outing.)

@Veterinari I need to be honest with myself. If I can't be loyal, I will leave but I need to understand, as you said, why this person? What do they give me that I'm missing. ? I'm a missing anything or am I just fucking morally bankrupt person in which case I shouldn't be with anyone.

@DeaflySilence I don't think I can stop how I feel. I should have stopped it ages ago. I tried but I kept getting drawn in.

I might have to leave my job anyway if I decide to honour my previous commitments.

It was staff only, no partners. Other staff our partners. I.e each of them have been out with our work colleagues to the pub etc but they have never met.

It was really telling, when our partners were there we spoke to each very little definitely did not touch.

Come on! they are in as deep as you and you love it🤭

You’re either going to fuck a lot of things up for yourself or you’re going to distance yourself.

Either way you’re glowing from this little mysterious distraction.

It's not really about him, just the way it makes you feel. Can you spend less time near the/not see them?

Thanks @sausage101 I will look at rhem when I can.

I had an excuse to message but in hindsight I was still drunk and I should just have left it.

Absolutely don’t send the message. It’s a slippery slope and you’re deep in the hangover.

@Youmatter you’re glowing from this little mysterious distraction. I know and I'm a complete shitdog for it. There's no excuse.
I've missed my chance with this person we've made commitments and unless things change in a nuclear way.

I don't know how deep it goes for them. Could have just been me projecting like a creepy loser.

@sausage101 I can. It doesn't matter how much time we send apart we ever we get together it's the same dynamic so now we've got to this point, we've fucked it.

I don't want to start blanking them without an explanation. That seems like a douchey thing to do because I feel I did instigate the hugging.

I might have to think about quitting. I can't see him every day.

@Youmatter I already did but I definitely shouldn't have.

You are making a hell of a lot of excuses for further contact - "I just need to find out if they feel the same", "just going silent would be a douchebaggy thing to do", etc.

You are just looking to justify the next step - the next time you escalate by sending a message or instigating a conversation.

Stop. If you genuinely want to NOT have an affair with this person then the only thing to do is to utterly lavoid them .

You tell yourself that this is somehow confusing or unfair to this person you fancy but it really isn't - "oh, this person came on really strong when they were drunk and is now avoiding me. They have a partner and so do I. What could it mean??" You don't exactly have to be poirot to work it out - they got a workplace crush and are now distancing themselves because they don't want it to go further.

Don't kid yourself that you owe them a lengthy, heartfelt, feelings laden explanation - you really don't.

In the nicest way possible, are you quite young?

Of course you can break ties without explaining. It'll be fairly obvious why you would. You don't actually have to try and appease everybody, you know?

Maybe step back from all of this, stop dragging yourself into this vortex, calm down and instead set aside some time and space to read on healthy relationships. You seem to have some funny ideas and shaky boundaries.

If you could get it clearer in your head about healthy relationships, how the dynamics change over time, and the value in having boundaries and asserting yourself (I.e. Valuing your own needs not just running after everyone else) you'd be a lot less confused.

As a side note, has your self esteem always been as dire as it is right now? Because I don't imagine that's helping matters.

I agree with @SendintheArdwolves you are making excuses and reasons to be in contact.

It really is as simple as that.

Why do you use “they” and “them?”

Treat your colleague the way you would if your partner was standing in the room with you. If you can’t do this then it’s time to come clean to your partner and let them decide if they want to stay with you

I’m gonna go ahead and call the OP a male🤷🏻‍♀️

You little shitdog you.

So you’ve fucked it.. what would you tell your friend to do?

Does your partner make you feel the way the colleague does.. ever?

Are you happy, in a loving relationship?

Get a new job.

Stop loving the drama.

Get a grip.

It’s all a bit dramatic. Stop being an idiot.

Op finally used "him" in the last post.

I'm calling female.

@CaroloftheBalls If you know who we are, our genders are quite outing for reasons. Plus it's irrelevant anyway..

@Youmatter Your post are quite blunt and witty, that's helpful. I would tell my friend to stop before they do something that they can't take back. I'm not sure if it's gone past that stage. I would tell them to cut it off, I would tell them that they had get their shit together and if they loved their partner to leave if they had to.

Does your partner make you feel the way the colleague does.. ever?

Yes and no. We have settled into some really bad habits and my partner is reistant to change. We are also relate to each other differenly. I love them but I'm not really happy. I'm not sure that's their fault it's just a lot of water under the bridge.

@Blondebakingmumma I can definitely do that. The way we treat each other has changed, I was very cold in the beginning.

@SendintheArdwolves and @magoria I am making excuses. Essentially I don't want to lose a friend but I don't think being friends is an option because re-reading everything and thinking about it we were all over each other. We both crossed our own mortal line.

@TheChristmasBear
@Santasushi

It might seem dramatic but it's more because this issue makes me question what sort of person I am and how realtionships with me work knowing that.
I've never been attracted to anyone else since I started my relationship, it's been years.

If I leave this job and these feelings pop up again for someone else, does that mean that I'm a disloyal person? Can I never be friends with some I find attractive?

That's why I'm still posting, I'm just looking for others life perspectives on things.

@AnoukSpirit Some people may call me young but I am not.

My self esteem is shot to shit though, for reasons which again are outing.

You seem to have some funny ideas and shaky boundaries. What you mean by this?

I'm gonna have to see them soon and it's just fucking shit. I'm definitely going to lose a friend over this.

How old are you? Can the issues with your partner be fixed? Do you want children? What I’m saying is don’t flog a dead horse if your relationship is reaching a natural end and want children. But in the same token, is this more a kick up the backside to sort the issues you have with your partner?

I know I haven’t mentioned this guy. But sometimes emotional affairs, which this is turning into, can potentially be a sign of issues within a relationship.

@Mummyoflittledragon Children are involved already which makes things more complicated.

I don't know if my relationship is over. Sorting my issues out with my partner seems achievable but I don't know if that's going to be enough.

Then I think you need to distance yourself from this man. See if you can sort things out with your partner instead of pursuing someone else. Relationships do go through rocky patches. You try unless and until you know it can’t work or you can’t be happy, surely?

You flirted and had a hug, when you were really drunk. So far, you can get away with this, assuming you want to stay in your marriage, I'd draw a line under it and keep your distance from now on. Office party's are notorious for such things, we won't be the only person waking up cringing today.

What you can't do is carry this on in the hope that you can wheedle enough info off this person to start an affair. It's not fair in your husband. If you want to be in a relationship with someone else, you need to end your marriage. It simply is not fair.

You need to be honest with yourself, so far, you've gotten away with it. I doubt the party will be brought up again by the bloke, so just drop it now.

I think it's completely possible for you to look at the situation objectively and see that this is nothing more than a crush, made to seem more/stronger than it really is because it's forbidden and dangerous, because it's fun to flirt, because it feels lovely to be flirted with.

I'd imagine that if you simply force yourself to put this person out of your mind and focus on your partner, you'll soon realise that this fantasy is not The One and is not even worth destroying two relationships for. At least I recommend trying that for a while before making any decision at all, including/especially contacting this person again outside of a strictly professional capacity.

This crush will pass.

Don't do anything. I agree that whilst emotionally you are in too deep, you haven't yet done anything that would really count as "cheating", but if you start texting or calling them about it then you've really crossed a line I'd say into an emotional affair. Don't contact your work 'friend' again and politely avoid them in future. No good can come of perusing this.

@fieryginger nobody is married.

What you can't do is carry this on in the hope that you can wheedle enough info off this person to start an affair.

I'm not doing that. I could have outright done that last night but I didn't. I could have dragged their partner to hell but I did not use what we were talking about it to do it. I tried to be a friend.

I'm not trying to push an affair agenda. I'm trying to get my head straight.

@Jwrecks Thanks for saying it will pass. I suppose from one pov, I don't have enough confidence to believe that I can ignore these feelings.

To be honest, this circle had been going on since we've known each other. We get close on nights out and then withdraw, go all cold with each other (because we both it's wrong) then back to spending all our time on nights out together.

I've got to break the circle but I'm too fucking weak. We hadn't seen each in ages, like months, but we still acted the same.

Then I wonder goes on in their head. Is it the same for them? Who knows.

We both admitted that we were staying out to spend more time together so I guess I half have an answer.