Xmas party shame...help!

[Ooho]

I'm getting to close to a friend at work. Both of us are attached. I've been very dumb and I'm full of shame.

I haven't been to at the office lately so I haven't seen this person for months but I've known them for 3 years.

We get on so well as friends we have a lot in common but I feel like there has always been a over current of sexual tension.

Until this Xmas party, we've always tiptoed around it and maintained that we were friends.We've meet each other's partners etc.

This time the drink were flowing, my mouth was getting loose. They were hammered. We starting talking about both our partners. I gave them some advice about a situation they are going through.

We talked about how our partners don't like us hanging out together so late. We both agreed that we were just mates.

But we both said that we weren't going home because we wanted to spend more time together.

And we just kept talking and flirting with each other and even though we talked to other people we were attracted to each other like magnets.

Towards the end of the night things started getting real, I was flirting lots being open to being touchy feely and staring into their eyes in what I now realise must have looked so obvious to everyone. I barely broke eye contact. I'm so embarrassed. I got way drunker than usual.

I think they do like me back because they were looking back at me and not moving away or breaking the contact etc.

I don't know why they have this affect on me. I thought people that said things like that were liars but it's true. I feel like a fucking idiot.

I've starting feeling things because we were friends first and there were boundaries, but now there's all this sexual tension.

I feel like I need to stay away from this person but it would be easier if I knew they felt the same way and it was a conscious decision on both our parts. If it was acknowledged but I can't bear to have the conversation.

After the staring, we had a really long hug in the middle of the bar. I instigated it but they didn't push me away.

I'm not sure how long a hug needs to be for it's classied as crossing the line but I think this might have been it. It was over 30 secs, hands around neck deal.

I told them during the party that they were going to make me fuck up my life. They later said that they could feel their morals sliding.

I really want to know if they feel like this too. I feel like a disgusting creepy loser and a slut and a double homewrecker. Is it all in my head?

I get the impression that they would be happy ignoring all this tension building up until we did something stupid. I don't know.

I just need a friend right now and I have no one to talk to that I trust. Can something please give me so advice, share their experience or help?

Does this mean I can no longer love my partner because I started to have feelings for someelse. ?

(I've neutralised the genders because outing.)

@KitKat1985 thank you. I would never start texting them about how I'm feeling, we don't even have each other's numbers. Which is purposefull on my part. We have each other on social media.

I messaged them about paying them back for the taxi home that was all.

Half the attraction is the fact that you
“Can’t” act on these feelings.

In a long term relationship you may come across people who you feel attracted to. It often goes away and it can be nice to enjoy as long as you don’t let anyone know. It’s like a little crush that gives you a little lift. You might pay a bit attention to yourself, get new clothes etc etc all the positive things for you out of that are great.
Often these things wear off. You simply wake up one day and it’s gone. Or if it’s someone you didn’t know very well, they might suddenly say something that stops your attraction in its tracks.

What you’re experiencing is attraction heightened by the secrecy, unavailability etc. you probably spend just as much time thinking about those aspects as you would about actual relationship with this person. Basically your brain is getting high on the idea of the “will they/won’t they” penultimate moment. Everything else you think about you being compatible, great fit, good friends is your brain justifying away logic in order to get close and continue the high. Neither of you is thinking straight nor about reality.
There’s a great big button in front of you, saying “don’t press” and your brain is going haywire
In order to press it

It's clear now that you can't be friends. Dont drink alcohol at any work event. Just be professional when you see him. Put your own family first and work on your relationship.

YOU have “the fear” because you are hungover. Switch off your phone and watch some funny crap film or tv and don’t dwell on anything today.

No one at work cares about you two gazing meaningfully into each other’s eyes or being “sparky”. Don’t talk to anyone at work about it - it is unprofessional and disrespectful to your partner.

You can’t control what they think/want to do. So don’t tie yourself in knots wondering if or what. Focus on yourself. Do you want to be with your partner? If yes, then you need to drop this friendship. If there is some amazing connection between you and you suddenly drop it they will understand. If you don’t want to be with your partner, sort it out. But don’t expect that you will be stepping into a new relationship. They might not want that.

@MaudebeGonne i don't care whether work care. I think I've gone past the point of hiding that we find each other attractive. Our office is 'hip' anyways.

The rest is spot on. I'm going to have to figure out how to stop thinking about them and having feelings. I know I can't ignore them when I see them. So I think my only option is to leave my job.

I can't leave until October for reasons so I need to figure the emotional shit out.

I think you're just delaying the inevitable OP.

A connection like this happens so so rarely. I think you'd be being unfair to your partner to string them along when we know you'll end up with this person. Sometimes fate is what fate does and things happen because they're meant to. It doesn't always sit well with our morals/expectations but that's life ....

Do all of you a favour and break up before you do something more.

@treacleroots How does one know it's fate and that one is just not an unbelievably selfish asshole?

What's a real connection and what's like @daspepe said chasing the high of will they won't they?

If I knew for a fact it was inevitable, then I would end things but both our relationships are live in long term entities. I can't end them without explaination or whimsy.

When we first met, my ex manager said caught on that there.was something. I explained we both in realtionships. His response...neither you are married. He was morally ambiguous as hell. That was three years ago.

I think you should care, just be warned, I think it's likely that someone from work could stir up trouble for you.

@loveyoutothemoon Why and how would anyone do that? It benefits them nothing.

Some people love a bit of drama so they like to gossip. I would have a sober conversation about what happened at the party, if you want to stay with your partner I would tell this person that nothing can happen and that you need to keep things platonic from now on. They might be feeling guilty like you are.

I think that you and the crush are both female with male partners at home, however this wouldn’t be outing since half the population is female and this weekend was Christmas party weekend so it’s really unlikely that you’re the only people in this situation regardless of being same sex, it’s really not uncommon. So really a lot of what you did will have been overlooked, you two hugging and discussing your relationships could have been seen as a normal friendship between two women. I think the fact that you’re both women is probably why you’re tying yourself in knots about it now wondering if the crush feels the same level of intensity as you and also why it feels so exciting for you too.
Now I have a straight friend who has lots of gay women friends, two of her closest friends are gay (but not in a relationship with one another) and my friend is in a straight long term marriage - she flirts up a storm with either sex, maybe moreso with women actually and maybe because that feels safer. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that your post to me reads as tho you’re questioning if your LTR is the right one and you’re wondering if your crush is also having these doubts. If it is a same sex crush and these are the real things you’re wondering you’ll be able to get some honest advice from people who have been there. So maybe that would be more helpful to you?

If it’s not same sex then I have no idea why you used them and their but that’s def how I pictured it.

"Before that happens, perhaps you should decide whether you love your partner enough to stop being an emotional cheat, and to put your relationship first. Or not."

"I don't think I can stop how I feel. I should have stopped it ages ago. I tried but I kept getting drawn in."

@Ooho if you can't stop being an emotional cheat, then you need to end things with your partner. They deserve better, no?

"Children are involved already which makes things more complicated."

Certainly does! Yet you are still prattling away like a teenage drama llama ( "I've got to break the circle but I'm too fucking weak" ) & as if all the other pawns in this game are not very important ( "nobody is married" ).

Am guessing the children in this are not you and your partners, but the other couple's.

One would argue that if it has been 3 years then it must be strong. But I think the peaks and falls in the attraction, mean that it’s precisely the highs that have been keeping it going.
Neither of you have made an actual move.

Plus you mention that you want to know how the other person is feeling.
I think part of you wants a declaration of love/ infatuation from this person. Just a confirmation that they feel the same way. But is it real? Are you in love with the idea of being in love again?

(I’m not trying to be harsh just to figure things out) i think focus on how you feel. The situation you are in and your variables. Dig deep and be honest. Say things out loud to yourself - do they sound the same as in your head?

If you don't want an affair then you can just chalk last night up to a blip. None of us are perfect and we mess up sometimes.

There will be loads of people who do embarrassing things at office party's, just try and put it behind you.

I would wonder if it's just you your 'friend' is flirting with or are they just on the lookout for an affair. I saw this happen with a friend of mine. They were convinced they had some special connection with a guy at work but he was flirting all round just trying his luck with anyone who would take the bait. I just think the business of you giving relationship advice sounds a bit like the usual " my partner doesn't understand me" line. Just thought that might give a different perspective.
Also I watched a TED talk about the difference between love and lust. Apparently if it's love you want to tell the other person all about yourself, all your dreams and hopes and memories and stay up until dawn talking. In the case of lust you're really not that bothered about talking and it's more of a physical thing.

What do you mean your office is 'hip' in regards to nobody caring about flirting? Sounds abit odd.

I think you're overthinking all this, it's not some big romance, it's just an office crush and yes they are normal in long relationships. Just take the advice given off everybody and stop making it into a drama. Everybody has given good advice.

'Gone past the point of caring if people notice' well that's a bit disrespectful to your partner isn't it?

@Raven88 I know them so I strongly suspect they are feeling guilty. I asked them if we needed to talk after the hugging and stuff and I was too drunk to remember what they said. I want to talk to them but I can't face it. I'd rather just pretend it didn't happen. If I can find a natural way to shoe horn it into the conversation, that's definitely the message I would send. 'It can't happen again we're not single.'

@sugarnotsweetener I'm really sorry I'm not trying to be a dick but I can't answer this. I typed it out but it was outing af.

@DeaflySilence You've made me pause. I am prattling but this is all the stuff in my head. I need to get it out. I don't have any close friends which is part of the problem. I was terrible as a teenager for this type of infatuation thing.

The children are the factor, they are not just collateral damage. If they weren't involved There's children and possible children on both sides. That's why it could never happen as a legitimate relationship. The timing would be too fucked up. I'm gonna have to keep mooning until I can get it out of my system but I appreciate the firm hand. I am listening.

@fieryginger I think that's the best thing. But I know u and this will happen again if I don't activitlely avoid it and I've got to be firm and make sure I'm totally clear in myself how and why so I don't fuck up.

@DasPepe in love with the idea of being in love? Maybe... Honestly, that's what kicked off for me thinking this is really bad because I started analysing what their message meant from yesterday and I was like this has gone too far like I shouldn't be thinking about this. I haven't had to think like this for a long time and I don't want to now. If I'm feeling like this that means that I'm taking this whole thing too far.

@Lucylugs entirely possible they are no angel. Also we always talk loads but sometimes you just click, it's not always romantic.

@Sausage101 look I'm sorry I don't mean it like that.

Are you usually very self absorbed op?

Oh ffs, you were drunk. Just act like you don‘t remember that whole thing yesterday ever happened. Problem solved.

Ah.. whatever your gender is I couldn’t care. We’ve all had a crush on someone we shouldn’t and that’s what this is.

We always want what we can’t have. In our head we set it up as something magical, powerful and intense. It feels like that. But usually the realities are very different.

That spark you’re feeling will surly die if you got together.

It maybe is something to focus on with your relationship, is it going to work for you? Personally, I can see you getting progressively unhappy in it and maybe trying to find other excuses.

Our generation doesn’t seem to want to work at things, so if I’m wrong.. work your ass off at falling in love with your partner all over again. Try and do something you both haven’t done, connect.

Anyway you seem fun, I’d like a night out with you

Honestly you don't always know. But if you have such strong feelings for them they do not go away. If you're not married ask yourself why? At the end of the day if you were completely happy and satisfied in your current relationship you wouldn't even be tempted. That's the truth.

@treacletoots That's so true. I have to accept what that means for my relationship.

@youmatter...Not sure if that's sarcasm but thanks. I am going to work at it with my partner. This issue needs a long term solution so this doesn't happen again. I'm gonna have to NC hard

Aw I meant it!

I really hope this works out for you!