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Original poster

What DH said when I challenged him about having so many christmas 'outings'

75 replies

Sumadoo · 15/12/2018 19:14

I breastfeed.
We have a baby and a toddler.
I can't go out much due to the demands of feeding, although I do go out from time to time with friends for a few hours.
DH seems to have many christmas commitments, by this I mean parties, gatherings etc.
I would say he will have attended around 5 Christmas related outings in total by the end of the month.
I think this is a lot, considering no effort has been made to arrange or encourage a christmas meal out for the 2 of us together. I feel he's a little assuming when it comes to me providing the childcare whilst he goes out as we are up and down the stairs with both children for a couple of hours each evening at the moment.

When I challenged him about the number of christmas outings he has decided to attend (emphasising the impact on me with the children in the evening and of course during the night when I am having to soothe them if they wake because he's had too much to drink and isn't waking up) he said
"Just because you can't go out, it doesn't mean i can't."

I just feel quite hurt by this.
If he had made the effort to have some special time at home with me over christmas or even have suggested us going out for a couple of hours ourselves, I think I'd be less offended.
It just sounds so entitled of him to say this? It's really affected me.
Also, he has made zero contributions to the actual organising of christmas, the present buying, the wrapping has all been left to me. It feels like I'm left with the drudgery whilst he's out having fun.

Would you feel a bit upset by this remark? I feel there's a massive lack of team spirit implied by what he has said.

OP posts:

RoseOfSharyn · 15/12/2018 19:18

I'd be very tempted to express a load of milk over the next few days, put it in the fridge and let him know that now you 'can' go out you will!

He is so selfish!

AlpineButterfly · 15/12/2018 19:20

How old is your toddler?

I totally get where you're coming from. Both of my boys are under two and neither sleep through. DH had an overnight night out coming up but I asked him to come home instead. He did so without complaint and actually said he wouldn't even have considered staying out. That said, that was his one and only Christmas outing

Calmingvibrations · 15/12/2018 19:21

Upset? I’d be furious. You raised something that makes you unhappy and rather than discuss how things can change for the better, he’s shut you down. Like you said, it wouldn’t be as bad if he had made the effort with you. Urgh.
My OH has had 3 Christmas meet ups, but I go out just as often. If I wanted him to stay home because I needed the support, he would. And vice Versa.

Original poster

Sumadoo · 15/12/2018 19:22

Just to add that he has absolutely no issues with me going out at all (he says) but I find expressing milk laborious and I don't manage to express much.

OP posts:

GOODORBAD · 15/12/2018 19:22

I don't think going out five times in a month is unreasonable, especially at this time of year.

I do think his comment was mean.

If you feel that you don't get to spend enough time together as a couple being romantic, I think you need to talk about that wih him openly and try and sort that out.

So I'm on the fence.

Gobblebox · 15/12/2018 19:24

You need to nip this in the bud or else you’ll make a hard bed to lie in. At that age I can count on one hand how many Christmas nights out DH had out in the first five years and he and I like to socialise A LOT. It’s not even something that had to be discussed. It was a given. He’s treating you with little to no respect.

Original poster

Sumadoo · 15/12/2018 19:24

He also says that I "put a dampener" on his nights out because I always fall out with him before he goes and he can't enjoy himself. I had no idea that I was doing this but it may well be true and probably becaude I feel overwhelmed at the prospect of being left home alone with the children. He didn't drink on his last outing bit gave everyone a lift home afterwards so spent over 1 hour driving people around when I needed his help at home.

OP posts:

bigchris · 15/12/2018 19:26

I don't know, it's hard to know if you Come across resentful that he goes out and spoils it for him

Better to just make going out plans yourself then if he gets the arse you're more justified in feeling cross

're Christmas just ask him to do some of the stuff, don't martyr yourself

m0therofdragons · 15/12/2018 19:29

Honestly it's difficult for you at the moment. Just mention you'll bank it so when you can go out you will do, guilt-free. I had a toddler and newborn twins son rarely made it out for a couple of years. At 10 and 7 (this year) I've had 2 long weekends away with friends.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/12/2018 19:31

He sounds like an idiot. Why is he playing taxi to other people when he’s needed at home?

I can understand why you get upset when he announces he’s off on five Christmas do’s within a two week period presumably. I’d be annoyed too.

Are you going to ask him not to go on all of them?

Are they work related?

llangennith · 15/12/2018 19:38

I'd be more annoyed by his nasty remark than by his actual going out. I sympathise with you OP but it will be different next Christmas. You make sure you go to loads of Christmas events next year😈

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 15/12/2018 19:40

Uncomfortable fence, this.
It's clearly hard for you, and five nights out is quite a lot, but OTOH, if a woman posted that her dh always picked a fight with her before she went out, the cries of 'controlling' and 'LTB' wouldn't be far behind.

What are things like re going out outside the Christmas season (when, let's face it, routine tends to be turned on its head)?

Why are you 'up and down the stairs'? I wonder if keeping the baby with you until you go to bed might be better? 'Bedtime', esp at some utopian time like 7pm, isn't, IMO, really a thing for frequently-feeding babies (and I've had three).

TheBigBangRocks · 15/12/2018 19:45

Its the Christmas season and it's not that excessive. DH and I just arrange nights out between us and the other parents (it's not childcare when they are your own). If he made me feel guilty for having to look after his own children he'd get a short thrift. Sometimes one has lots more, we don't keep count.

diddl · 15/12/2018 19:45

I wouldn't have thought it's the number of times he goes out-more the coming in pissed/late/being useless for most of the next day?

Original poster

Sumadoo · 15/12/2018 19:46

He doesnt feed frequently anymore but is teething so wakes a lot between 8 and 11. He seems to settle more after that time. I agree with the 7oclock bedtime for frequently feeding babies; it doesn't work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sumadoo · 15/12/2018 19:47

Yes Diddl. On the first outing he was drinking for 12 hours and was utterly useless the whole of the following day after being out the whole day beforehand. He tells me however that at these times, my mother should step in. 😭

OP posts:

diddl · 15/12/2018 19:51

" He tells me however that at these times, my mother should step in. "

Did his GM used to help with him when his dad was useless then?

I've never heard of anything so fucking ridiculous-did you laugh in his face?

What an utter twonk!

ReanimatedSGB · 15/12/2018 19:53

It does sound possible that you are being a whiny martyr, though. He has apparently said that he would be willing to look after DC if you express milk, so you could go out (though it's difficult to assess whether he actually means this or has been saying it in full knowledge that you won't do so.)
And is he expecting you to do all the Christmas shitwork, or have you just decided to do it, with a lot of sighing and complaining?

As to the Christmas meal for the two of you: have you got someone who could babysit the DC? Would you be able to express milk for that occasion? Because if you mean all four of you going out for a meal somewhere, I could see his point if he was thinking that it would be more hassle than enjoyment (going out to eat with a toddler and a baby is not the most comfortable of options; one of you is usually taking the bellowing toddler outside while the other one necks a main course, etc).

And, really, if you've agreed it's OK for him to go out, you shouldn't be whining and sulking before he goes in the hope that he will change his mind: either ask him not to go or wave him off with good grace.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/12/2018 19:54

Ring around some of your friends and arrange to go out for an evening. If you go somewhere relaxed then maybe you could bring baby and leave him with toddler. Or if baby doesn't need milk then just leave them both.

AnotherEmma · 15/12/2018 19:55

He's a selfish arse.

I also knew that he would have left all the Christmas organising (present buying etc) to you.

He has all the fun, you have all the work.

Typical sexist entitled man, sadly.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 15/12/2018 19:58

Oh, the excessive drinking and uselessness the next day is profoundly infuriating. I hadn't thought of that because neither dh nor I do getting blind drunk and nursing subsequent all-day hangovers. (Last time I had a (rare) hangover I had an appointment at 9am the next day. Reader, I got on with it. Walked the 25 min there and consequently felt fine by the time I arrived).

Is that typical of one of his nights out? Or just at Christmas?

LemonAndLimeJuice · 15/12/2018 20:05

Mine are older than babies now, but you are not alone in be8ng left to do all the Christmas stuff, in fact there was a recent thread about this.
iOS to hibk my husband has ever bought a birthday card, or present, other than for me, and not then every year.

He is selfish, going to so many parties, and completely failing to take you, or arrange something for you both.
I wouldn’t have a third.
And after Christmas have some serious thinking about whether you are happy to have this life.
He’s happy, but he’s having a great time.
My main hope for you is that you have a great group of friends, a lovely family, and that your in laws love you too x
Get through this and discuss in the new year, and make life easy for yourself, by online shopping and horrible ready meals 😀

Dimsumlosesum · 15/12/2018 20:06

This would make me very, very angry. How fucking dare he?

Snowwontbelong · 15/12/2018 20:10

Hopefully you will get a 2019 calendar for Christmas and you can pen in some nights out of your own.
He sounds a bit entitled the same as you sound a bit of a nag.
My ex always made me feel shit for going out and it isn't nice.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 15/12/2018 20:18

if a woman posted that her dh always picked a fight with her before she went out, the cries of 'controlling' and 'LTB' wouldn't be far behind

You reckon? If the context was that she was going out several times a month leaving him in sole charge of a baby and a toddler while he didn't get to go out at all? I think she'd be told she needed to step up.

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