What DH said when I challenged him about having so many christmas 'outings'

[Sumadoo]

I breastfeed.
We have a baby and a toddler.
I can't go out much due to the demands of feeding, although I do go out from time to time with friends for a few hours.
DH seems to have many christmas commitments, by this I mean parties, gatherings etc.
I would say he will have attended around 5 Christmas related outings in total by the end of the month.
I think this is a lot, considering no effort has been made to arrange or encourage a christmas meal out for the 2 of us together. I feel he's a little assuming when it comes to me providing the childcare whilst he goes out as we are up and down the stairs with both children for a couple of hours each evening at the moment.

When I challenged him about the number of christmas outings he has decided to attend (emphasising the impact on me with the children in the evening and of course during the night when I am having to soothe them if they wake because he's had too much to drink and isn't waking up) he said
"Just because you can't go out, it doesn't mean i can't."

I just feel quite hurt by this.
If he had made the effort to have some special time at home with me over christmas or even have suggested us going out for a couple of hours ourselves, I think I'd be less offended.
It just sounds so entitled of him to say this? It's really affected me.
Also, he has made zero contributions to the actual organising of christmas, the present buying, the wrapping has all been left to me. It feels like I'm left with the drudgery whilst he's out having fun.

Would you feel a bit upset by this remark? I feel there's a massive lack of team spirit implied by what he has said.

I don't think it's about you having nights out on your own in tit for tat fashion.

I think it's that he can go out to all these events, yet can't be bothered to suggest or arrange go out for a meal with you. Breastfeeding doesn't mean no outings, but then again he knows that doesn't he.

Have you asked him, or suggested that you go out for a meal together? If not, ask him. if he says no he's not a keeper in the long run, because the love and respect and care isn't there really. Itsto behiped he'll say yes.

As someone stuck home with a breastfeeding baby, anotheremma
Says it well.

I don't think 5 Xmas do's is unreasonably but depending on his work etc. I have usually had several work connected nights out and then add to it meeting up with my friends as a pre Xmas night out and they do add up, and in fact sometimes there is a semi expectation you do some professionally. However, it doesn't mean that I have to drink at everyone or stay out all night!. I tend to stick to no alcohol on the more formal works ones and drive, but anything I see as social with friends I then may enjoy a few drinks and taxi or get a lift.

In your situation though he should be considerate and it sounds he is not being coming home in drink and being comatose. I would have something to say to my husband if he did that. Aside, he should also be looking for you to both go out together as you have said so yes he is being selfish but suggest you have a discussion when he isn't hung over etc😀

He can't win though - if he drinks too much (which inevitably happens at a lot of xmas outings because the drinkers egg everyone else on) he gets slated (and rightly in that he shouldn't be out of it the next day) but if he doesn't drink you complain he's spending an hour driving everyone home - if you're not drinking you do end up being asked for lifts and you can't easily say no at this time of year, particularly when most or all will be local and it's the number rather than the distance that takes the time.
He's willing for you to go out too so arrange it. And if you want a night out with him tell him. He's not a mind-reader. Likewise if you want help with the presents (though given you can do most shopping online I can't see why that would be an issue since you're at home - breastfeed & shop at the same time!

I can't believe people are saying 5 isn't excessive. That is basically every weekend in December or some weeks he is going out more than once.
Nope I would not have been happy either when mine were little. Who would really be happy being taken for granted with no appreciation. The 'get your mother to help' comment would be the last straw for me.
As for doing the shopping while she is feeding! Why should she have to? There is another adult and parent in the house who should try behaving like one.

thighofrelief
I agree that it definitely relieves the pressure if baby will take a bottle. If mum can't or doesn't want to express, the occasional bottle of formula is fine and won't affect supply.
But even if baby won't take a bottle, there is usually a window of time when they don't need a breastfeed. After his bedtime feed, DS would settle without milk for the first half of the night, and i wouldn't usually feed him again until past midnight. So in theory I could go out for a few hours after the bedtime breastfeed - in reality I only did it once or twice because I was mostly too exhausted! But it wasn't breastfeeding that was stopping me, it was sleep deprivation and the general exhaustion of having a demanding baby.

Op it sounds like you’re annoyed with your dh (quite rightly so), but you’re not actually that fussed about going out. It’s his attitude that’s pissing you off. Does he help around the house, Xmas shopping etc? Can you start to put more on him, so when he does go out you’ve had an easy day, so not so stressed. Can you start to leave him the chores during the day and go out with just your baby, leaving him with the toddler, to see friends? Rather than night time Xmas do’s, have yours with friends and just the baby, but insist he does all the chores? Might be a good compromise (and also a way to make your life easier, and him to realise how it feels)

He does sound like he puts far more effort into his social life than his family life.
His comment was really selfish.

Stop being a martyr and stop expecting him to prioritise you if you can’t be bothered to prioritise yourself. Yes he’s a selfish arse but that doesn’t mean you have to enable him.

Expressing is a pain in the arse but it’s for the greater good, which is making him regularly responsible for the caring of his children. His comment about your mother was bang out of order, it’s that sexist entitled bullshit which you need to counter by leaving him to care for his children on his own.

Stop with the PA as a communication style and be more direct and if he refuses to step up then you need to deal with reality of the person you’re in a relationship with.

I also think fault on both sides here. You are choosing to breastfeed, you can't express, you know this will limit your social life, and you can easily suggest the two of you going out, it's not the 50 s and you need to wait for him to suggest it. Being horrible to him because he's going out isn't ok and it sounds like you resent him.

He on the other hand is being very unsympathetic about it and making mean comments on retaliation.

Instead of expecting him to stay in because uou have to, why not persevere with the expressing, or do mixed formula/breast feeding so you also can get some time out with your friends.

It’s impossible for any of us to know what your relationship is like or whether you are both reasonable people based on this information. You know more than us what he is like and how you world together. If I had to call this.

He is taking advantage of the season to socialise and network. Why? He enjoys it or prefers it to being at home. Maybe he doesn’t think he is contributing much to parenting at the moment as it is you the baby needs. So he may as well go out.

You are feeling isolated, lonely and put upon. Very probably showing resentment that he can go out and chooses to go out. Leaving you at home.

I wonder if you are telling him what you actually want and if you know what that is. I also wonder if when he is there, does he an equal role in parenting or if you are doing most things for the baby and by default the toddler. Meaning most of the time he is just there for you and doing a bit for the toddler. But he doesn’t know that this really important for you. He doesn’t realise how important his contribution is and he doesn’t see how he could do more. Like organising a romantic meal or a babysitter for you both.

As to Christians planning. If you have done all that, there will still be the donkey work to do. Make sure he knows that this is his responsibility. But work it so that it is fun family time together with him in the lead so you get out of the house. With him or to see friends.

Avoid hangovers by giving him specific tasks the next day that he must do. Not a nebulous being there to help you.

Wait, did i read that correctly... he thinks your mother should step in to cover his share of the parenting?

I spend longer in the car than necessary when I don't want to go home, but maybe he's trying to be MrGood Guy to others.

I think a lot of marriages break down over resentment of dividing up the chores re small children.

He's being a dick but you need to communicate more openly and give him something concrete to do so he's not a spare part watching you BF.

It's December, he's being excessive but if this was January it would be more of a red flag.

RangeRider - no-one said it would or should be "easy" for him to say no to being a free taxi. If it's way way too hard for him to either say no or drink a normal amount instead of being hungover for the full next day, he can simply not go can't he.

I don't think 5 Christmas outings is excessive tbh.

It's more about the way he responded to you. He should have acknowledged your point.

In incidentally I struggled to express at first...but I persisted and it was fine I used one of those avent pumps.

Purely breastfeeding is a choice you make...but it can hinder your freedom.

I wasn't prepared to let that happen to me.

Another one who thinks you're being a little hard on him. 5 nights out doesn't seem ridiculously high. It seems z little mean spirited to sulk with him before and after (had an ex who did that and I really resented him for it) I think you need to tell him you'd like him to organize a night out for you both with or without baby..

amaried did you read that he was hungover and useless the entire next day? Why should the ops Christmas be endless solo parenting on no sleep because her other half has parties to go to and get wasted at? That’s not being in a team.

Maybe I'm insensitive but 5 outings isn't too much. If you had a newborn I'd say his comment was wrong: that the fact you can't go out does mean he should curb his social life too as at that stage all hands on deck are needed and it's hard with cluster feeding for mum to get out for any stretch of timr. But your baby won't be feeding as regularly now which means it's your choice not to leave the children for your own time out (whether by expressing or giving the baby formula). So I don't think you should punish him because of a choice you've made.

To put 5 nights in perspective, my DH has been out 2-3 nights a week this Christmas period so probably will have been out 15 nights by end December. I don't mind, I'd rather stay home with our son but I've been on 4 nights out so far this Christmas period (with a couple more to come) and DH would have no problem with me going out more if I wanted to.

I think you both have different social expectations and that's the real issue. I actually agree with your husband's comment (so long as he pulls his weight on the nights he's at home - which are by far the majority).

I kind of agree though. Why do both of you need to sit in? Similarly he can help by giving the baby a bottle when you go out

I think a lot of marriages break down over resentment of dividing up the chores re small children. He's being a dick but you need to communicate more openly and give him something concrete to do so he's not a spare part watching you BF

^^This. And the lack of awareness re both parties needing to make compromises.

As a partnership you both decided to have children.

2 years or however long on, it's becoming clear that your life has changed beyond recognition, while his has stayed mostly the same.

That's your AIBU and no, YANBU. Tell him

And yes I realise this isn't AIBU but the whole vibe of this thread has gone very AIBU.

Your mother should help if you need it haha.

It's hard to comment on these threads with out knowing the people involved, if it was my DH going out, it wouldn't bother me because he doesn't take the piss, however just from those could of comments he made and the fact that he doesn't help at all for Christmas stuff makes me think your DH is a bit of a sexist arse? But you're allowing him to be, by not going out yourself and doing all the Christmas stuff

*couple of comments

I must admit to being shocked and angry at the OP's husband's attitude - just because you can't go out, why shouldn't I and expecting his MiL to step in and help when he's coming home drunk and then nursing a hangover. How bloody selfish and entitled. Is he selfish and dismissive lime this in other areas of your lives, OP? It's something I'd find completely unacceptable.