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Original poster

I wanted to cheat tonight

52 replies

lostallsandals · 14/12/2018 21:13

Okay; not cheat.

I'm new to the office, been there a few months. Very good job, great pay. Nice people to work around.

But I was speaking to a load of work colleagues after our Christmas dinner and I really enjoyed the attention. There's one in particular I got butterflies talking to. Then I remembered you are MARRIED ffs!

What is wrong with me? I left the party with a female colleague who was getting back for the dog. I removed myself from the situation because I knew I was enjoying myself far too much Blush

A bit of background. I'm 21 (almost 22). I got married at 19, I have a lovely 2 year old little boy. I am happy enough in my marriage but for some reason, I just wanted to live and let my hair down tonight. I wanted to see where the night took me. I didn't think of my husband at all, I only remembered I just couldnt proceed with the party like I wanted to in my head.

Common sense got me out of there. But I'm feeling a bit low in a way. I feel like I've completely skipped the drinks and nights out stage in life, flirting and snogging with a handsome bloke.

Am I just a bit unhinged tonight? I never felt this way before. I have never ever felt the need to look elsewhere until tonight. I just loved how fun it all was :( I know I'm horrible, I just thought I could get someone to make sense of how I'm feeling.

Whilst I was in conversation with the group and having such a great time and feeling so chatty, I just wanted all the married life and baby stuff to disappear. Which makes me feel horrendous now, looking at my precious boy sleeping tucked in his room tonight.

What's happening?

OP posts:
Jinglealltheway2018 · 14/12/2018 21:17

Sounds like you settled down fair to young and never experienced being on you’re own in adulthood and dating other people and socialising. Are you childhood sweetheart by any chance?

Original poster
lostallsandals · 14/12/2018 21:22

We aren't childhood sweethearts, no.

We get on very well, he's respectful and incredibly loving. We are friends too. There's nothing wrong with our relationship, apart from this newfound desire of wanting to spread my wings Blush

OP posts:
VietnameseCrispyFish · 14/12/2018 21:24

That’s the risk you take when marrying so very young. What was the reason you rushed into marrying?

Perfectly normal to feel the way you do. But now you’re a wife and mother you simply can’t cheat. Glad you had the sense to walk away.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 21:28

Have a long hard think about whether you'd be happier single? You are very young to be married with a child (for these times anyway) and maybe the thought of having sex with the same person for decades is making you rebel a bit?

sirmione16 · 14/12/2018 21:29

Oh my god ignore people who'll comment like "this is what you get for settling down young." So negative.

  1. Good for you for removing yourself from that situation, having morals and respect for your family
  2. It's completely normal to have "the grass is greener" thoughts about ANY situation, including how settled we are in life
  3. People who've been married for years stray and cheat, people who marry later in life probably also have doubts/thoughts too

I would say it's completely normal, don't fret. I'm 22 and pregnant with my first, been with my OH since I was 17 so I totally get what you're saying, 100%. For us, it's about being able to look at the bigger picture which of course is that our family and relationships are worth SO much more than any fantasy one nighter or going out and getting drunk/partying every weekend.

Again, so much respect for walking away when a lot don't. Be proud.

RosemarysBush · 14/12/2018 21:29

You can’t help having feelings for other (men), it’s natural, but you can stop yourself acting on them. (As you have tonight). Just trying to fantasise about other people, focus on your relationship with dh XX

RosemarysBush · 14/12/2018 21:31

Sorry that should say try NOT to fantasise

sirmione16 · 14/12/2018 21:32

PS it's probably a lot of sexual hormones from a bit of a flirt and booze so as crude and brash as this may sound - find some alone time, have a fantasise about whoever or whatever, watch a video or use a toy - basically get it out of your system! You'll feel more "stable" and down to earth again after Grin talking from experience

iLoveFoood · 14/12/2018 21:34

It's completely normal to wonder what it would be like 'if' you did this or that.

It's not the better option believe me, I'm in a long term relationship now but slept with lots of guys (horrible ones, thinking back) who had no respect for me or anything like it, back then when I was 18.

Appreciate you have a kind caring husband and there's probably not many out there like him Smile

I cheated on my partner on a work night out two years ago and it destroyed us but we built ourselves and our trust back up. It's easy to think life would be better if it was different but those are only fantasies (possibly unwanted ones) it's so easy to want what you don't have!

It's normal to doubt your situation once in a while or wish you had a different life

Whyohwhyo · 14/12/2018 21:36

You have nothing to feel guilty for.

You took yourself out of the situation despite a strong desire to do the contrary.

It's normal to feel the way you do (I'm also settled down in my early twenties with a family) so I understand completely.

Plenty wouldn't have left and would have thought "fuck it"

You didn't. Good on you Smile

Original poster
lostallsandals · 14/12/2018 21:39

Thanks all for not branding me as a tiresomely loose young hooligan GrinThanks

We have a 'team bonding' trip in the New Year. I feel really excited, but when I think about it, it's only because I'm keen deep down to try on flirtations with other men... Which I won't be doing! I know that.

I just want to, if I'm being truthful to myself. But I won't

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 14/12/2018 22:51

This isn’t ‘what you get for settling down young’ - you didn’t “get” anything.
You are just feeling normal feelings and sensations, appropriate to your age.
People tend to explore in the 20s, explore others and figure out themselves.
And, as sad as it will sound - many relationships that begin in their teens don’t last.
By 30s - people would have changed a lot, plus that missed exploration phase catches up on them.

So - given how strongly these urges seem to hit you - your only hope is not suppressing them, but talking to your H and understanding what and why you feel. He may be feeling similar things, btw.

And it may be that the best way forward is not total suppression and constantly interrupting social situations - but maybe you and your H can define some boundaries - where, say some innocent flirting is allowed. That may give a little outlet to that need that you (and him, most likely) have.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 14/12/2018 23:14

We get on very well, he's respectful and incredibly loving. We are friends too

That doesn’t really sound like someone describing the person they’re married to. You get on well, you should, you’re married. Do you love him?

DeltaDelta · 14/12/2018 23:18

Married people in their 30s 40s 50s ALL experience what you experienced. Marrying later in life is no guarantee you will never be attracted to someone else. You did the right thing in removing yourself from the situation and its nothing at all to do with your age.

Original poster
lostallsandals · 14/12/2018 23:20

And it may be that the best way forward is not total suppression and constantly interrupting social situations - but maybe you and your H can define some boundaries - where, say some innocent flirting is allowed. That may give a little outlet to that need that you (and him, most likely) have.

He most definitely wouldn't be okay with that. He's extremely loyalnandnopen about not having the slightest bit of interest in anyone else. He's 'all for me' and I never thought someone could love a woman quite as much as he does love me

OP posts:
Rosesared · 14/12/2018 23:22

I agree with pp. Best thing for a relationship is OPEN, honest and loving communication. I was in a situation few years back where I had to have conversation with dh about a mutual friend. We talked about why I felt the way I did, we tweaked a few things in our relationship and voila, new depth! Imagine how great you will feel 30, 40 or even 50yrs from now, knowing you had something worth working at. Waaay better than you would feel if you "let yourself go with the feeling" for 1 night and fuck it all up.

SimplySteve · 14/12/2018 23:46

Fantastic that you walked away. I settled down at 20, and missed the young exploration phase (did have a nice time in Ibiza though) too. It's really difficult bringing up children (we had two) at that age and it's normal to have these "what if" thoughts. Myself and DP came rather close to separating (emotional affairs) but managed to resolve things (together over 20 years now).

He's extremely loyalnandnopen about not having the slightest bit of interest in anyone else. He's 'all for me' and I never thought someone could love a woman quite as much as he does love me.

Are you feeling trapped and overwhelmed by the strength of his emotions?

Innocent flirting

Is this not dangerous? In that things could escalate? General question.

Original poster
lostallsandals · 14/12/2018 23:52

Simply I don't feel trapped by him and his emotions, they seem very ideal, perfect almost. How a many should be towards their wife.

But tonight, I felt trapped by my own life choices, almost. It's as if I wondered what it would be like to just have a empty place to go back to. I wondered how great it would be to flirt my pants off, shag my colleague and then feel that odd butterfly sensation of seeing them on Monday. Similar to kissing a boyfriend at school and 'seeing them the next day when you're not really talking'.

It's all very odd. I think it's the suspense, the fun, the exploration. I really feel like I've missed out on it

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 15/12/2018 00:49

OP - the more you talk about how you feel and what you are missing - the clearer it is - at least to me, a cynic twice your age - that this is doomed, unless you find some way of openly communicating.
You are only a few years into your marriage and already feel trapped.
Think - another 5,10,20 more years... Your resolve to suppress these natural feelings may or may not last. (And I am being diplomatic here)

Thing is - if he loves you as much as you say he does - he needs to know you and accept you as you are, not as an idea of you in his head.
And who you are - is a young girl enjoying male attention.
And there isn’t anything wrong with it, if you don’t cross any lines.

And - on his side - loving you and being loyal - doesn’t mean that when a attractive woman walks by that he doesn’t notice that she is that. There is, again, nothing wrong with seeing other people.

So - scary as it may be - if you want to have any hope of making this relationship last - you need to find a way of talking about difficult and uncomfortable things. And accepting each other as you really are...

As to the ‘innocent flirting’ - if course there is such thing. It’s being chatty, smiling, even dancing - but never crossing the line - wherever that line is for you.
It’s OK to be a happy, flirty person at times - as long as it’s all harmless fun.
And OP - your H needs to understand that this isn’t threatening to your relationship, to how you feel about him. And, also important, it’s something you seem to need at this phase of your life.

slappinthebass · 15/12/2018 02:27

I don't think it's necessarily a settling down too young thing. I think it's a new job, new freedom after the confines of motherhood thing, at any age. I'm 10 years older than you and I had exactly the same thing when I returned to work. I really worried about my feelings and attraction. I read someone describing their own similar experience somewhere online, maybe another Mumsnet post, which suggested it was extremely common in a new job situation and it would pass. It did for me. I think it's just the thrill of freedom and possibilities and it manifests as a crush. Don't beat yourself up to much about it as long as you don't take it further than casual flirting. This too shall pass.

glitterypink · 15/12/2018 05:05

I think you should be pretty damn proud of yourself from walking away from a situation that a LOT of people wouldn't.
It shows inner strength and grit.
You just need to have a think if your DH is the one you want to be with - forever.
But you did great tonight and you didn't carry on drinking and partying, which could have led to a whole different post on here.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 15/12/2018 05:13

This thread should be shown to all pregnant teenagers.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2018 05:15

You have done nothing wrong and these feelings have NOTHING to do with you marrying at an early age. You are human. Full stop. I suggest you take out these harmless, private fantasies on your husband. I promise he will enjoy them!

Heyjudas · 15/12/2018 05:20

You've a heavy crown on young shoulders.

The only advice I have as something to live by when entering into marriage is the motto he lives by and chose. It's very easy to have an affair, it's very hard not to.

The other thing I'd say to you is, when you get out of the fantasy of what could have been, you need to step back into reality in your head. Because you are not that young free and single 21 year old. You're married with a child. So you can't do what they do.

NotyourMummynotyourmilk · 15/12/2018 05:45

I didn’t settle down too young, and I can tell you that the drinking/flirting single days are not all that!!! You acted in a normal, respectful way last night. Don’t beat yourself up about it. If it happens again, do the same and when you get home look at your lovely DH and DS and say. Wow look what I’ve got. Hope you enjoyed your night out anyway.❤️

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