Already have a stonewaller on my hands, is he gaslighting too?

[CoffeeAtCentralPerk]

A little back story -

Been together several years, 2DC’s under 3. DP has always struggled with communication or rather, lack of. He’s been this way from the beginning of our relationship but I assumed, in the early days, that the more time we spent together, the more comfortable we’d become with one another meaning he’d eventually be able to open up more easily and freely.
After a few years, his behaviour never changed. Issues or problems would arise whereby I’d try to sit him down and talk things through, only to be met with him avoiding eye contact, not saying a damn word and just acting as though as I wasn’t even in the room trying to have a conversation with him. That’s his go to, well, that or simply storming out of the room and going to bed at a ridiculously early hour as an attempt to ignore me entirely.

It took me a while before I stumbled upon the term of Stonewalling and realised that he exhibits this exact trait down to the very last detail.
I told DP about it upon discovering all about stonewalling and it’s effects, I asked him if he’s always been like this (prior to meeting me) and he admitted this is a long term issue that he’s struggled with for as long as he can remember. Naturally I told him if this behaviour or ‘coping mechanism’ continues, it’s going to cause detrimental damage to our relationship as I can’t be with someone that doesn’t ever attempt to resolve or work through problems and acts as though he’s completely not listening to my thoughts or feelings.

After many months of me keep trying to help DP battle this engrained behaviour and nothing changing, I suggested he go to therapy to talk through things with a professional as nothing I seemed to say resonated with him.
After being on the waiting list for the NHS Therapy For You for service for over 6 months, he finally had his first appointment the other week. Brilliant! He’s acknowledged there’s something not quite right and is taking the steps to see what he can do about it. Problem (potentially and hopefully) solved regarding the stonewalling, I thought.

Then something happened this week that’s highlighted another on going issue that I think I’ve been turning a blind eye too because I’ve been so focused on the stonewalling.

Our 2DC’s came down ill last weekend and haven’t sleep at all this week. We’re both exhausted and at our wits end regarding how to get our youngest DC to sleep for longer than 2 hours at the moment. After many hours of being in the nursery with DC2 and having no luck, DP took over. He proceeded to sit and rock DC2 which is exactly what I’d been doing and it clearly wasn’t working. I told DP he was wasting his time and that we needed to try a different approach, this for some reason, struck a nerve and he told me to fuck off. I left the room and returned after about half an hour after hearing DC2 still crying and DP obviously not being any closer to getting him to sleep. I once again said that he was wasting his time, he should go back to bed and let me take over, let me take the baby to the lounge and see if that helps at all, he handed me DC2 and again, told me to fuck off and ‘just do whatever’.

After DC2 had had some snacks and a 10 minute crawl around, I took him back to the nursery and he fell asleep with no fuss and stayed asleep from 3am-6am (a huge improvement given what we’d been going through all this week). I told DP that if he’d just let me take over sooner, we all could’ve got back to sleep a lot quicker than what we did. He mumbled a bunch of shit, pulled the duvet up and over his head and again, told me to fuck off.
The next morning, he got up and went to work and I sent him message saying that I wasn’t okay with being told to fuck off so many times unnecessarily and that it hurt me, when all I was trying to do was get DC2 down as quick as possible so that both DC and DP could go back to bed. I told him I expected an apology.

He ignored all of my messages - as he always does - so I brought it up again when he got in from work and asked him how long I can expect to go without a sincere apology. He basically ending up flying off the wall and telling me that he won’t be ‘guilt tripped’ in to an apology, that I twist every situation to try and make him feel guilty as a way of 'getting what I want'.

Upon him saying this, it dawned on me that he always does this. He always minimises my feelings to the point where I wind up being left doubting whether I even have a right to be upset or annoyed about anything. If I pull him up on something that’s upset or bothered me, it always transcends to ME apologising to him (fuck knows how!?!) and I always end up regretting ever voicing my opinion in the first place because of the shitstorm that follows.
I’m constantly second guessing myself after arguments that we’ve had and find myself wondering whether I’m even entitled to have feelings or opinions that go against his.

Is this gaslighting? I don’t know whether it is or not, after having a little look online he does seem to fit the description, but for anyone who 100% knows that they’ve been with a gaslighter - does this sound like something you’ve been through/something they would’ve done to you?

Thanks!

Literally not like that at all, @vuripadexo

@BackInTheRoom very interesting read, hadn't heard of that before! Thanks!

I understand OP, how difficult relationships like this are. I don't think you've done anything wrong per se. Sounds like you have massive communication problems, I mean both of you.

You want fix things, or find the holy grail that is the 'correct' technique to get your other half onboard with opening up to you. Truth be told, there probably isn't one on his part. It's not in his nature to try to resolve issues. His preference is to bury his head in the sand and forget about it.

The two styles are incompatible. You may need to consider if this is something you can put up with long term.

He would piss me off no end though. I don't see why you are getting do much grief for trying to deal with things like an adult.

Literally not like that at all, @vuripadexo**

Really?

You've been working on changing him for YEARS and in all that time you've never wondered if there's some reason you are there? Some therapeutic function that fixing him is filling for you?

I'd look again at those familial relationships. They may not be as amazing as you think.

OP I really feel for you. Your post has struck a cord with me. My situation was completely different, my H was a workaholic and spent hardly any time with me. He wouldn’t go on holiday or socialise. He come home very late and fall asleep. I tried to communicate with him about how life was short and we needed time as a couple to enjoy ourselves. I tried to discuss verbally, by email, by text, by writing letters. Nothing worked. He would never discuss the issue with me although would offer lip service that he’d change.
I gave up in the end because I was frustrated and felt like I wasn’t a priority. Your H probably will never alter so you’ve probably got to accept that or you’ll drive yourself crazy.

Well, we just had a really long chat and DP actually massively opened up to me.. more or less for the first time ever.

He told me all about why he is the way he is which - I think someone else suggested earlier - stems from a childhood of having no one to lean on or turn to, so he internalised all of his feelings and now struggles to open up and confront his emotions even though he desperately wants to.

He spoke to me about his first therapy appointment and how he really believes it's going to be beneficial for him, and that he's sorry both to myself and to himself that it's taken him so long to admit to himself that he has a problem. He's said he's going to do all he can to work with the therapist to break down his barriers and learn how to communicate in a more positive manner.

He's told me to continue with messaging him for the mean time (while he works alongside the therapist to reach a more comfortable place regarding one-to-one in person chats), when I'm upset or have a problem, and that he's going to make an effort to acknowledge said message so that I can know that it's at least been heard/understood, then we've agreed that I will give him plenty of space to think about things and he will come to me when he's good and ready to talk and as such, I won't pester him to help me resolve things quickly just because that's the way I like it to be done.

We've actually made so much progress from an hours worth of honest talking and have both come out the other side feeling so much more positive.
I've learnt things, he's learnt things, we've both apologised for what flaws we each carry and we've both constructively put a plan in place as to how we're going to try and work together to combat and resolve future disagreements.

He's never been a conversationalist. It's not in his nature. You've labelled him, decided it's an issue for him, and tried to change him. Sorry. The issue is yours, not his. He doesn't want to change his personality. You seem to be desperate to find something to change, to make him the person you want. You need to accept that this most likely won't happen. So can you live with who he actually is, instead of who you want? You seem very fond of labelling, and therefore minimising is actual personality. He didn't gaslight you. You told him he was wrong, and that if he's listened it would have been better- I'd have told you to fuck off too. The sleep issue is a long standing issue, which no doubt causes you both stress. I think really instead of trying to make him change and accept fault, you really need to decide if this is someone you can be with, because you seem to be constantly judging him. He doesn't sound great company, but he's never been any different. This is what he was in the beginning, before kids. You then chose to have two kids. Why did you think he'd suddenly change?

^Well, we just had a really long chat and DP actually massively opened up to me.. more or less for the first time ever.

He spoke to me about his first therapy appointment and how he really believes it's going to be beneficial for him, and that he's sorry both to myself and to himself^

I could have written this in Feb 2012.

He trotted off with another woman in March 2012.

I really hope it ends better for you, but please protect yourself in case it doesn't. Paperwork in order, etc.

That is so positive, fingers crossed je continues.

Post an update in 6 months as would really useful

Thanks!
The conversation and the things discussed felt like a massive breath of fresh air, and not just for me, DP even said he felt better for talking and he was proud of himself for opening up.

I hope that was the first of many amicable conversations and I do feel so much better for seeing how badly he truly wants to change for the pair of us.

Onwards and upwards 🤞🏼🙏🏼 thanks to all that left replies on here!