Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Is she a gold digger?

104 replies

Sebsdad · 13/12/2018 17:52

I need some advice on my current situation. I’m a dad of one, my son lives with his mother. Shes a good mum and we get on well for the sake of our son.

Since we divorced five years ago, I hadn’t had a relationship with anyone. It was a very difficult breakup for me (she had an affair) and frankly I was a mess. I couldn’t even think about a new relationship for years.

A year ago, a woman I’ve been acquainted with for a few years through a hobby started coming to my local pub on a regular basis. We got chatting and started hanging out together, although I didn’t ask her out on a date because honestly I didn’t see her that way. For a start she’s considerably younger than me (mid 20s, I am late 30s) and as I said before, I simply wasn’t looking for a relationship.

One night we got drunk and she surprised me by saying what a lovely guy I was and that she’d been waiting for me to ask her out for ages. Since that night I started to see her differently and eventually did ask her out on a date.

That was almost a year ago and we’ve been going steady ever since. But I’m starting to get a few alarm bells. For example she has 3 young children (she had the first 2 in her late teens) and their father sees them once a month if that. She says he is a bad father not only with seeing them but paying maintenance. Every so often she breaks down and cries about how broke she is and that she can’t afford to support her children. And as a parent myself I can’t bear the thought of them wanting for food/clothes/heating, and I feel very protective of her too. After all she is my girlfriend and I want to take care of her and make her happy. So I give her money and take her shopping and all is well until the next time.

The thing is, I’m starting to get concerned that she only wants me because I can provide her and her children financial security. I’m not entirely sure that she’s not still hung up and sleeping with her ex, her children’s father when he sees the children. She was very much in love with him and I’m just not convinced that she feels the same way about me although she says she absolutely does and more.

I do care for her. But I’m getting cold feet about getting further involved. After all I have my own son to provide for and if I were to have another child with my girlfriend, I believe she would expect me to take on her other children as well.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship but am worried that I’m not giving her the benefit of the doubt by even wondering if she’s a gold digger. I feel terrible even writing that. I was genuinely completely smitten with her at first and I still think she’s very lovely. And I feel guilty even asking these questions.

OP posts:

safetyfreak · 14/12/2018 09:22

There is no fool like an old fool.

woolduvet · 14/12/2018 10:21

Invent a plausible large expense and talk about it.
If you're asked for money then sorry you've no extra left at the moment.
Any girlfriend would not take money from you if you didn't have it.
But equally nobody should time and time again ask somebody else to fund their life.
She needs to live within her means sadly.
What's her lifestyle like, is she scaling by just buying the essentials or always in new clothes etc.

yetmorecrap · 14/12/2018 10:48

had a single mum friend who used to constantly go on about getting a nice partner who could 'look after them' (actually in real life she didn't like 'nice') -- this was never about a relationship in her case because she craved that kind of connection, it was always about how it would help spread the load financially. The rest of her life she quite liked as it was. So OP, I am afraid I am a cynic on these things, especially when you see her so little. If you were together 5 evenings a week or living together then I would think maybe differently, but to me this smacks a bit of 'ooh he is handy for 'helping out'. My suggestion would be not to help out until you have a lot more of an established relationship in terms of how much you are together etc. If the cash dries up, see if everything else does to.

lifebegins50 · 14/12/2018 10:53

I think golddigger is not appropriate. She was a child/young adult when she had children and has probadly gone from mum&dad to ex and now you.

She probadly doesnt have the skills yet to cope on her own but that doesn't mean you have to step in..
She maybe a lovely person but that doesn't mean you have to be together.

Dating is about finding out if you are compatible and it seems after a year you are not going to work out.

Can you imagine being with a lovely woman who maybe has children but is financially stable and around your age? If that seems preferable, don't settle. It is not fair on her and you.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/12/2018 15:01

That was almost a year ago and we’ve been going steady ever since
You see each other for around 3 hours max each week....that doesn't sound like a serious relationship to me.
Yet despite this you're already bailing her out financially anytime she 'needs' it plus more.

I think she wants someone to 'take care' of her and her kids and thinks she's found it in you....
She knows you well enough to know that if she turns on the waterworks and plays the 'dc' card you will always cough up the money.....
She kept crying about it until you offered to step in....then played 'proud' until you insisted - now it's become a 'dynamic' that you don't feel comfortable changing due to how she will react - so who's really being played here OP?

A decent partner would understand that you have your own dc and expenses and can't keep on providing for her and her dc.
One offs are very different to this 'dynamic' you've settled into.
This isn't something for her to get 'upset' about or take personally, she has no claim on your money and you are not responsible for her kids....so any kind of strong reaction just screams 'pisstaker/user'

She was managing to provide for her dc before you came along.
She also needs to learn to provide for them without constantly relying on someone else to bail her out.
You continuing to bail her out doesn't actually help her in the long-run.

By keeping to this dynamic you're also kind of saying you are serious about her and a future with her and her dc.
You're obviously not ready to get serious with anyone right now, you're both at different phases in your lives and they don't mesh too well.
Changing this dynamic now would be a lot more healthier for you both.

isseywithcats · 14/12/2018 16:41

apart from the children bit (mine are grown up) when i met my now partner i was living on fresh air after paying my bills each month, i earned just enough to pay my bills and just managed to not starve each day, when i met him it was obvious he earns a hell of a lot more than me, but not once did i ask him for a single penny, when he came over to mine twice a week i did a meal, (even though it meant me living on cheese on toast for two days) when the weather was cold i put the heating on ( even though once again it meant going cold for two days a week afterwards) there was no way my pride would have let him know just how skint i actually was, as i didnt want him thinking like you that i was only after his money, that i wanted to be with him because he is whi he is, we live together now and even though he still earns lots more than me, i have two jobs now and pay my share on a percentage ratio

Shambu · 14/12/2018 17:59

I agree.

A one off is totally understandable. But the fact it's a repeated pattern shows she chronically cannot support her kids the way she is living so a) she needs to go to the CMS and regularise her ex's payments and b) get a FT job. A poster above worked FT said she had no family support.

Whether or not she saw OP as a meal ticket, that's what she is currently treating him as.

user1457017537 · 14/12/2018 21:36

I don’t see what’s wrong with you helping her if you can afford it. I just don’t think you are in a relationship with her or spend any time together. I don’t know why she would expect you to financially support her and the DC when she only sees you for a couple of hours a week.

TatianaLarina · 14/12/2018 21:52

You’re not really in the kind of relationship where financial support would factor - you’re basically just dating.

It’s easy for me to say but I simply couldn’t take someone’s money in that situation. A one off maybe but not repeated bail outs. I’d certainly have more dignity than to cry about it repeatedly.

You feel something might be wrong, your sister does, go with your gut.

Friends and family are very good at sussing out wrong’uns ime.

twilightsaga · 14/12/2018 23:41

Oh please. So because she has 3 children and not much money that means she is a gold digger?! Get over yourself. If you don't want to give money then don't. Offer suggestions of how to fix it as obviously giving money is a very short term solution.

Kumali · 15/12/2018 07:23

Op do you actually see a future in this... That's the question really?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 15/12/2018 12:58

@Sebsdad yes, do you see a long term future in the relationship? and also, with apologies to your sister who may be reading this, what do you feel about your sister's opinions as a rule? Is she someone who speaks clearly and considerately, or would you imagine she's going on gut instinct just on the face of things from a protective perspective?

I think that sometimes you can be so careful to be absolutely fair to someone within a relationship and see a situation from every which way, that you fail to see the things that people who love and care for you see quite plainly. Do you think you'd be in a relationship with this woman if she had no children, or if, say, you were on a similar income to her?

If you were confident that your sister has it wrong then I think you'd have felt that very strongly. As it is, there's a seed of an idea in your mind and you felt the need to bring it here to seek other opinions. You've not dismissed the concerns and so you need to give it very serious thought as to why that is.

TooOldForThis67 · 15/12/2018 18:08

She is taking advantage of you. I'd get it if you were paying for nights out but to pay for essentials, no way. That is wrong. Get out.
It's easier to go along with the status quo than rock the boat, I get it, but this really doesn't sound healthy.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/12/2018 20:32

I can't see any evidence that's she's a 'gold digger' if she's struggling and you are helping her out occasionally. Surely a gold digger is one who gets money off a partner for treats and luxuries, not essentials? E.g. Designer bags, jewellery etc? I suppose it depends on your definition. You are doing a nice thing to help her if she is skint you can afford it. If you don't want to do it, don't. If you plan a long term future with her you will end up partly supporting her if there is such a disparity in your incomes.

Smiler88 · 15/12/2018 20:45

Well OP you need to ask yourself where do you see this going? Do you see you two ultimately moving in together? If the answer is yes then yes she probably will expect you to support her children too as you will be living as a unit - especially if her ex doesn't pay maintenance. If that's not the end goal then you should break up as you're probably stringing her along as she probably does see a future together...

Original poster

Sebsdad · 15/12/2018 21:05

You are right Smiler. I’ve been thinking very seriously, since posting this, about where I see things going. And the truth is that I don’t see a future. Not because of my sister or anyone else including her children and ex. I don’t see abd future because in my gut I think none of this would be an issue if I really felt that she was my future wife. It’s very sad and I am not looking forward to breaking up with her. I hope I’m not making a big mistake as she is lovely and I care for her a lot.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2018 21:32

Good you’re getting some clarity OP. You can end a relationship for any reason if it doesn’t make you happy and you can’t see it going the distance. Break ups are usually difficult but I think you’re doing the right thing. Have some time to yourself to work out what you’re looking for, focus on your son, hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Blackness78 · 15/12/2018 21:36

Her circumstances won't change if she knows she can rely on you. There's no incentive.

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 15:48

I was just checking in to see what was happening.

I’m really glad you’ve realised this. She deserves to know so she can focus on her life and you deserve to be happy.

Please don’t drag it out and don’t give in!

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 15:48

Also don’t tip her on the way out ok

LadyPasserine · 16/12/2018 17:06

The likelyhood of this girl, seeking you out for your money is slim

There is so much wrong with this statement.

Stop the money then you'll have the answer

Not necessarily, but it is a good place to start.

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 17:30

LadyPasserine

Why is that wrong?

If you’d read the info you’d see they had a backstory. Not everyone has bad intentions.

Jeeeez

HelenaDove · 16/12/2018 19:47

," when he came over to mine twice a week i did a meal, (even though it meant me living on cheese on toast for two days) when the weather was cold i put the heating on ( even though once again it meant going cold for two days a week afterwards) "

WOW There is no way i would be doing that for ANY man!

Was this after your kids were grown or after theyd left home?

Helpisneeded13 · 16/12/2018 23:22

The OP to me seems like the sort of person who swoops in and saves the day. He's overly offer to help and how many times is she meant to say no, and why should she.
A year down the line op gets cold feet, because his sister does not like her, well your sister isn't sleeping with her nor spending time with her.
And then he has a dc to support, haven't you known that for the last year?
And want to have more dc - why?
Gold digger my arse, more like the attention and prays has died down.

springydaff · 17/12/2018 00:19

Whether she's a golddigger or not (not a nice phrase) your financial circs are just too different for you to work together at the moment.

I personally think she made a big mistake to share with you her money worries. Though I can see how she would. It's also not a position of power for her to every now and again break down and, effectively, beg. Horrible. She has no status and no right to any one else's money yet she's desperate. It's just not a good dynamic for either of you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5