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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is she a gold digger?

104 replies

Sebsdad · 13/12/2018 17:52

I need some advice on my current situation. I’m a dad of one, my son lives with his mother. Shes a good mum and we get on well for the sake of our son.

Since we divorced five years ago, I hadn’t had a relationship with anyone. It was a very difficult breakup for me (she had an affair) and frankly I was a mess. I couldn’t even think about a new relationship for years.

A year ago, a woman I’ve been acquainted with for a few years through a hobby started coming to my local pub on a regular basis. We got chatting and started hanging out together, although I didn’t ask her out on a date because honestly I didn’t see her that way. For a start she’s considerably younger than me (mid 20s, I am late 30s) and as I said before, I simply wasn’t looking for a relationship.

One night we got drunk and she surprised me by saying what a lovely guy I was and that she’d been waiting for me to ask her out for ages. Since that night I started to see her differently and eventually did ask her out on a date.

That was almost a year ago and we’ve been going steady ever since. But I’m starting to get a few alarm bells. For example she has 3 young children (she had the first 2 in her late teens) and their father sees them once a month if that. She says he is a bad father not only with seeing them but paying maintenance. Every so often she breaks down and cries about how broke she is and that she can’t afford to support her children. And as a parent myself I can’t bear the thought of them wanting for food/clothes/heating, and I feel very protective of her too. After all she is my girlfriend and I want to take care of her and make her happy. So I give her money and take her shopping and all is well until the next time.

The thing is, I’m starting to get concerned that she only wants me because I can provide her and her children financial security. I’m not entirely sure that she’s not still hung up and sleeping with her ex, her children’s father when he sees the children. She was very much in love with him and I’m just not convinced that she feels the same way about me although she says she absolutely does and more.

I do care for her. But I’m getting cold feet about getting further involved. After all I have my own son to provide for and if I were to have another child with my girlfriend, I believe she would expect me to take on her other children as well.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship but am worried that I’m not giving her the benefit of the doubt by even wondering if she’s a gold digger. I feel terrible even writing that. I was genuinely completely smitten with her at first and I still think she’s very lovely. And I feel guilty even asking these questions.

OP posts:
SimplySteve · 13/12/2018 22:00

Sorry, that wasn’t very clear. We see each other regularly around an hour, two/three times a week. We also have an evening at the weekend when I pay for a babysitter and we spend quality time together.

So a handful of hours a week and an evening together each week, and you are financially supporting her. Are you mad? That said, if you have the thought in your head she's sleeping with her ex, you need to 1. Get an STI check and 2. Talk it through with her/split.

SimplySteve · 13/12/2018 22:04

And I say that as someone who financially supported my girlfriend many years ago, who had a very young child and was reliant on benefits, before I get flamed.

Shambu · 13/12/2018 22:04

I don't like the phrase goldigger but there are plenty of single mothers who support their kids without relying on a man for hand outs.

Ozziewozzie · 13/12/2018 22:19

I raised my first children by myself completely. I also worked full time. My family live abroad so no support from them what so ever.
Maybe you could sit down with her and make a budget plan to help her manage her money. Not all of us are good with money. That way you can see if she’s managing her money well or just not bothering as she views you as her new bank account.
It was hard financially for me but I had my pride. I never once asked a guy to bail me out and my children never went without either.
I’m unsure if your girlfriend is a gold digger but I do think she needs to stand on her own two feet.

If you want to help her, then help her stand on her own two feet. If she respects you, she’ll appreciate this. If she doesn’t, then she will walk.

You’re worth far more than money. If she has a lot on her plate then she needs to be mature and work those out, not rely on you to just stick a plaster on for her.
I know it sounds a little harsh, but look at it this way. She will be worth so much more if she’s helping herself.

auntsarent · 13/12/2018 22:54

Firstly I would say she is not a gold digger if she only ever asks for essentials. I personally would say if you’ve been in s relationship for a year, there’s nothing wrong with you helping with food and heating bills occasionally if you can afford it. However I would not want to move in together until she had sorted maintenance properly with her ex. Not sure where your cheating allegations come from (past experiences?) but apart from that I don’t see any reasons you can’t be happy

Original poster
Sebsdad · 13/12/2018 23:13

I think I have unfairly portrayed my girlfriend.

She is a nice person and my suspicions about her relationship with her ex (father of her children) are, I suspect, based on my past experiences with my ex wife and her affair.

It’s most likely my problem with trust. The reason why I even wrote this post is that my sister is a longeterm MNetter and suggested I ask you for advice. She is very suspicious of my girlfriend and thinks I’m being naive.

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 13/12/2018 23:19

It's worrying that your sister is suspicious but maybe she is being overprotective (understandably) because of your distressing experience with your ex wife. Has she got to know your gf?

moredoll · 13/12/2018 23:19

you need to trust your instincts, the whole expectation from her of you bailing her out (and not reacting well if you don’t) is not good. Add that to your suspicion that she is sleeping with her ex, I would be very careful about getting in deeper. And I hate to say this but for goodness sake, do not leave the contraception decision to her!

°This

Original poster
Sebsdad · 13/12/2018 23:22

SuperSuperSuper

Yes, my sister has met my girlfriend. My girlfriend likes my sister but my sister doesn’t like her. She didn’t explicitly say so but obviously I can tell.

To be honest that’s what has got me thinking about all of this properly.

OP posts:
Theyprobablywill · 13/12/2018 23:25

Oddly enough there is another thread on here that appears to be posted from the woman's point of view. The consensus is that she was more interested in his money than him.

Anyway, she managed without your money before you started subbing her, and had time and money to go to the pub, so I am pretty sure she will cope when you cut off the funds.

Youmatter · 13/12/2018 23:59

Only you can decide what to do.

I think if this relationship is built to last you need to take the steps into making it serious.

Northernparent68 · 14/12/2018 05:24

Even if she’s not a gold digger there’s a lot of drama in this relationship, is it worth it.

overnightangel · 14/12/2018 05:48

“And never get involved with a woman who has 3 children. That's crazy”

Nice 😑

@greendale17 don’t you sound lovely

overnightangel · 14/12/2018 05:50

I feel for you @sebsdad you’re obviously a caring person and trying to do the right thing by everyone, I don’t have any advice as such but don’t let the bitter naysayers on here make you doubt yourself, there’s a hell of a lot of bad advice gets bandied around on this site

Cherries101 · 14/12/2018 05:52

From everything you’ve said, yes I think she is a goldigger. You are best to drop her like a hot potato

AJPTaylor · 14/12/2018 05:58

It really doesn't sound like the right relationship for you.
Unless she is the love your life (and it really doesn't sound like it) I would suggest moving on.
Presumably you want someone to share your life with. This is not that person.

galaxy101 · 14/12/2018 06:05

Oh god so this has come off the back of what your sister thinks/feels about your girlfriend? Or she has at least planted the seed of doubt...

If I were your girlfriend I'd be off like a shot.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 06:15

Well maybe she is just worried about money and struggling. It happens.

How much do you give/spend on her and how often? Can you contextualise it?

And the bigger concern here would be you think she is cheating on you. And are a grown man who can't make a decision on someone and is swayed by his sister, and can't defend your partner.

Either way it seems you're not feeling it any more so end it. On a side note, if your sister doesn't like the next one, and the next, will you just be happy to live your life lonely? Based on her views?

LoubyLou1234 · 14/12/2018 07:54

You said before you met her through a hobby and then she started coming in the pub. Who looked after her children then? She must of had a little spare money to do that and someone to babysit.

You have more money than her and want to help. She may not have set out to take your money but she will get used to it and it will be harder to end. Generosity is a great attribute but be careful you have a son to think about.

greendale17 · 14/12/2018 08:30

@overnightangel

I stated the obvious. If it was reversed I would still say the same about a man in his mid twenties that had 3 kids with 2 different woman.

Kennycalmit · 14/12/2018 08:41

When you give her money and take her shopping what does she spend the money on? And what kind of shopping is it she does?

If she’s spending your money on clothes for herself every single time then that’s taking the piss! If however she’s spending the money on things for her children then okay.

I would stop giving money. If she kicks off then you have your answer. You don’t have to give somebody money just because you’re in a relationship with them. How did she manage before you came along? What would she do if you did break up?

I’m also confused as to why you see each other twice a week for an hour or two at a time? And yet you still give her money? Hmm

Notacluethisxmas · 14/12/2018 08:52

If she’s spending your money on clothes for herself every single time then that’s taking the piss! If however she’s spending the money on things for her children then okay.

That's not true. Why would he be paying for her kids. Besides, it could all be going on the kids. Which frees up money for her to piss away.

How did she survive before op?

AndThereSaw · 14/12/2018 08:59

It doesn't matter if she's madly in love with you and going through difficult times financially, or if she is with you because she sees you as a money pit.
The fact is that your relationship hasn't progressed beyond a couple of hours a week (if you both wanted it things would have moved on by now), you can sense that your sister doesn't like her and most importantly, you are doubting her. There is no way the relationship can survive. Let her down gently after Christmas and go your separate ways.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 09:00

and I still think she’s very lovely
Oh dear.
You will start to get the 'ick factor soon.
She has way too much baggage for you right now.
And imagine if you stay with her and get married and have a child together.
You'd have to split everything 5 ways.
So your DS inheritance is being eaten into and then he'll get 1/5th of what he would have.
My absolute no no with dating is a guy with younger kids.
Too much baggage.

HJWT · 14/12/2018 09:19

@Sebsdad I'm early 20's and my DH is late 30's, neither of us had children before but we have a DD together now, you really need to think what you want for your future. You can't go on for ever like this one day you will have to take the next step and move in together, you WILL end up supporting her and her children and that's NOT your responsibility, if your DSis doesn't like her then that's usually a bad sign as long as she's tried to like her, I don't think you should be buying her shopping or helping her towards bills etc especially only a year into a relationship, at most you should just be paying for date night if she can't afford it. You say when you got together she was always in the local pub, how did she afford that then if she's crying over not being able to feed her kids ? Sounds a bit gold diggerish, I don't earn a lot but my DH and I go half's on all bills and he pays for everything else (savings holidays home stuff etc) but like I said, if I previously had children I wouldn't of expected him to help support them especially if there was THREE! I'd also but carful to use protection when being intimate with her, also why is she seeing her EX? Why is he not picking the kids up taking them out and bringing them home? He shouldn't be coming into her home.

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