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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done it.

46 replies

babygoose48 · 13/12/2018 07:15

Hello. For those who remember me here’s a link to my previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3357481-Am-I-overeacting

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3358193-Passive-aggressiveness-and-deliberate-emotional-tactics-had-enough

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3363921-Advice-needed-being-taken-for-an-absolute-mug

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3367947-Opinions-on-his-behaviour-towards-DD-is-this-right

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3423767-Im-distraught-by-his-behaviour-still

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3430889-Why-is-it-so-hard-Handhold

I wanted to wait until after Xmas at least but after things getting very intense very quickly and a discussion over the kitchen drawers being messy and unorganised which ended up with me cowering like a dog before him whilst he gave me a lecture about how I ‘explained myself when I shouldn’t have’, I ended up coming home last night and breaking up with him before Christmas. Enough was enough and something had resonated in me to make the choice that that night would be the last night I felt fear in my own home. He poured his heart out then packed a bag and left quietly.

My heart is raw and I’m very unsettled and feeling a bit lost, and it’s not the best time of year for all this (I lost my nan a year ago this week to add to the insult so it’s been very painful anyway!) but I just wanted to thank every single one of you for taking the time to read my very long posts and making me realise I was in an abusive relationship. The strength your advice and motivation and kind words really gave me all I needed to bite the bullet and put myself and my little girl first.

Probably loads of sobbing and ‘I can’t cope’ posts to follow, but for now here’s one filled with gratitude beyond.

Thank you xxxxxx

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 13/12/2018 07:19

Can't seem to access the links for your previous posts but always happy to hear about escapees from abusive relationships.
Stay strong and don't look back. Flowers

Lweji · 13/12/2018 07:20

I don't know if I was ever on one of your threads, but well done.
And wishing you strength to keep your resolve.
I know that whoever is around, you can count on the MN collective to support you along as they have so far.

Bananalanacake · 13/12/2018 07:21

Well done I hope he didn't manipulate you into staying by crying and threatening suicide. You are free. Enjoy your life.

mrpoopybutthole · 13/12/2018 07:34

Well done for taking control & getting him out of your life. It's going to be hard at first but just remember why you did it & that its for the best in the long run. Surround yourself with positive ppl & give urself lots of self care. Big hugs to you, take care of yourself Thanks xxx

pointythings · 13/12/2018 07:35

Well done. I've read some of your threads and have been hoping you would find the strength to get rid. I hope you will take the time to do the Freedom Programme so that your next relationship won't be with an abusive loser.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2018 07:39

Well done, I've read your other posts
Good decision Flowers

ZestyMaximus · 13/12/2018 11:28

Well done Goose. I've read some of your previous threads and have been rooting for you. So pleased you've taken this step. This is the best Christmas present you could have given yourself this year. You're doing great.

OopsInamechangedagain · 13/12/2018 12:34

Stay strong goose, you've made the right decision. If you ever waver think of your DD, she has no choice in this situation Flowers

user1479305498 · 13/12/2018 13:20

No one needs a man child to look after , and that sounds like what he was

Original poster
babygoose48 · 13/12/2018 15:59

Thank you guys I really appreciate the comments.

I'm feeling a little lost if I do say so today, I think it's just starting to hit and I keep getting these mad waves of sadness I don't know what to do with myself!! The thought of going home tonight to an empty house scares me, my DD is away with her dad until Sunday as well so I literally have a free weekend.

However, one thing I notice is that I have not felt anxiety all day. At all! I keep hunching my shoulders up automatically and telling myself to drop them because there's literally no need for it now! It just goes to show.

It madness - I'm anxiety free and I haven't a clue how to deal with it!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 13/12/2018 16:21

Before you go home, go to he shops and get yourself the most yummy and indulgent meal you can think of.

Run a bath. Watch a movie or tv show you have been meaning to catch. Turn your favourite album up loud.

Leave the dishes until tomorrow.

Make this the best most indulgent night where it is all about what you want to do.

Flowers
ZestyMaximus · 13/12/2018 16:29

One thing I found useful when returning to an empty house was new and initially unpleasant (especially in the darker months) was to have shut the curtains in the morning and left a light on so that when I got home, I wouldn't be confronted by the darkness inside or outside. I'd also turn either the TV or radio on immediately, even if I was doing other things. It helped immeasurably with my mindset.

beingniceiscool11 · 13/12/2018 16:49

Well done ! I have read your other posts and SO glad you have made the best decision ever for you and your DD by ending this relationship !! Stay strong... there'll be times where you'll want to go back and it's hard being alone sometimes but it's such a gift not to be living with that constant stress and anxiety of someone like that - not to mention frazzled from looking after a man-child !! You don't have to do his washing anymore or pick up after him ! MERRY FRICKING CHRISTMAS !!!!! Woooooo !
Stay strong and don't go back there - he sounded very unhealthy in general and dragging you down/emotionally abusive/manipulative, mean towards your daughter and bad attitude towards being a step dad as well as lazy and taking you for granted. I'm so glad you're not carrying on in this situation as I think it would have started to make you physically ill and the amount of anxiety you were under must have been affecting your ability to be present with your daughter. She will feel the weight has lifted too ! Well done again.

LoubyLou1234 · 13/12/2018 16:59

It can be hard spending time on your own. But see it as a positive like PP have said, run a bath, have something good to eat, see friends, find a new tv box set to watch, gym or exercise class, or new hobby.

Obviously there will be low times especially early on because you miss company even if it was shit. But give yourself time and it will improve I'm sure!

Youmatter · 13/12/2018 17:15

You brave, inspiring woman!

EKGEMS · 13/12/2018 17:22

Hot damn,OP! If you ever find yourself in Atlanta,Georgia then you can have a drink on me to celebrate your courageous decision to leave an abusive relationship! I also read your previous posts! Well done!

Hidingtonothing · 13/12/2018 17:37

Well done OP Star Agree with PP's, get something indulgent to eat tonight and do the things that make you happy. People underestimate how important self care is but it can make sad times a lot more bearable. And it's ok and understandable to be sad, endings always are even when they're what we want.

But endings are usually beginnings too, you can move on to the next stage of your life now and hopefully it will be a happier one. If you don't have much on this weekend it might help to have a little change around at home, maybe reorganise the furniture a bit, buy some new bedding if money allows. Mark the change by making it your home, your space, your new life.

Don't forget we'll be here if you wobble, just because it's for the best doesn't mean it won't be hard and you're allowed to have weak moments, just make sure it's not him you turn to. You can do this Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 13/12/2018 19:13

Good for you stay strong and dont look back!

Lozzerbmc · 13/12/2018 19:14

I hope you will get advice on financial / house situation

Youmatter · 13/12/2018 19:27

I’m just so emotional reading this. You deserve the absolute best.

I have a lovely image of you and your little girl, nice and cosy on the sofa watching shitty Christmas movies.

This is your time. You call the shots.

I hope you got something indulgent ❤️

Ravenclawclassof84 · 13/12/2018 19:31

Well done. Just bloody well done. You have done a brave and brilliant thing. And done your best for your DD xxx

louisejanep · 13/12/2018 20:52

wow i am going through the exact same thing now, I have a post on here about the emotional abuse and torment I have encountered. Im currently at my mums with my DD and like you I am feeling guilty as its so close to Xmas. I just need to break free for my sanity, why oh why do we feel sorry for them? I knew I would feel guilty knowing hes on his own with no friends and no great family,

Original poster
babygoose48 · 14/12/2018 00:00

I’ve had the waves of sadness throughout the night but I’ve generally had a good night catching up with a friend and Xmas shopping.

But I got home tonight and he messaged me saying we needed to talk and he can’t believe it and I’m the love of his life etc etc. It’s only been 25 hours 😭

I have a feeling I have a rollercoaster ahead of me to follow

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 14/12/2018 02:18

You're probably right unfortunately, but then being in a relationship that isn't working is an emotional rollercoaster too and at least this one will have an end point rather than going on indefinitely.

How did you handle the messages, did you reply?