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Advice needed - being taken for an absolute mug.

229 replies

babygoose48 · 12/09/2018 21:25

Hi,

Typical 'I do too much and he's too lazy' kind of post.

Long story short I have been with my OH for 4 years now, but have recently moved in together jointly (only renting). I have a DD from a previous relationship, and it was just the two of us in our home before now (with him sleeping over occasionally - we had a long distance thing for a while). We decided to find a place together, me and DD moved in with my mum whilst we saved for a deposit etc.

He's the laziest bastard I've ever known in my life.

I knew this before we moved in together, but thought it could have been forgiven and worked upon. He's 27 and has lived with him mum up until now. He is terrible with money (seriously bad, we have split up before due to his lies about countless debts, and cutting me short for consecutive months with rent in the past etc). She did everything for him, the cooking, changing his bedding, washing his clothes etc. he is extremely messy too, would often leave crap lying around everywhere for his mum to pick up. I told him countless times not to expect that from me when we moved in properly (I'm generally very tidy and always on my feet), and of course he was like 'no babe, our home is going to be well clean'.

What an absolute pig sty our home is due to his mess. His shit is everywhere. His dirty clothes he just leaves all over the floor in the bedroom, on his side of the bed you cannot see the carpet. Shoes, crisp packets, empty water bottles, plastic bags with bits of shopping in he doesn't think to empty? We both work full time. Every weekend I sped most of it going over the living room, kitchen and bathroom making sure it is spotless. I cook close to every night but he never has the incentive to, never offers. We have a 'system' where if one cooks, the other washes up. I have told him so many times that I cant stand dirty plates in the sink with food on being left over night. Not only because its gross, but because if it is his turn to wash, he will leave it for me and i am ALWAYS the one to pick up the mess and wash the pots the next day, They literally will be sat there moulding until I give in and wash them. he knows how I'm important it is for me that he helps out with this, but about twice per week (usually after me scrubbing the kitchen and making sure its nice and clean) he will leave this pots for me. The amount of arguments we have had where he gets angry and refuses to do them because he thinks by him doing them 'i am getting my own way' is just absurd. I think its fair. If I am getting home and cooking every night after work (we both work full time), and he is sat there watching tv... then he leave his job to wash the pots for me in the morning... how is that fair on me? He doesn't see this logic and continues to do it. He leave a wet towel on my side of the bed every morning, even after continuously telling him can he kindly not do that. He says okay and then does it anyway...knowing that I cant just leave it and I end up picking after him, as well am my child, like i have a son! We moved in almost 3 months ago and wardrobes have not been built still because he's waiting for me to spend MY weekend doing it all and clearly sees it as my job. I miss the recycling day ONCE in three months and it still doesn't get taken out because he sees it as MY responsibility. I miss a bedding wash at the weekend (because I'm too busy catching up with three peoples washing) and it doesn't get done for another week, because he doesn't have the incentive to do it = MY responsibility... you get the gist.

Anyway, its gotten to the point now where I'm not getting any help during the week and I am compromising my time with my daughter because I'm having to sit her on the couch and scrub the house down. My OH doesn't really take any responsibility with my DD, which is fair enough as her dad has her half the week, but what he doesn't realise is that not only do I work full time, I am attending to her as well. School uniforms, school runs, tidying her bedroom, parties, bathing, cooking, taking her out at the weekends etc. I have this huge responsibility and he doesnt, but still he doesnt even think to help out more when it comes to the home. I have begged him, sat down with him weekly, I have cried, I have been so run down and tired as i feel I cant rest at the weekends with no help and he has always just said 'right' and 'ill do it tomorrow' and it NEVER gets done. On his days off he will purposely make an excuse to leave the house (he often goes back to his mums 45 mins away and stays there for a few hours) and then I come home and nothing has been done regarding the house and other bits and lo and behold he 'didn't have the time...'

I am planning on leaving him (not just because of his laziness, but he has been very emotionally manipulating and hurtful lately, and has continuously lied about money etc) but I feel I need to get my stuff together and plan more before I do. I have realised that marrying him and god forbid having another child will be a life sentence for me. In the mean time, if talking to him won't help, what do i do to get him to help out a bit more?!

We had a talk last night because i'd cleaned the bathroom at the weekend and I told him not to leave anything on the bathroom floor (to make matters worse on the cleaning front he got blazing drunk the night before at a wedding, knowing I had my DD on sunday and stayed in bed until 7pm). He leaves his boxers there every single morning for me topic up at night, its an ongoing battle. Last week I stopped doing it, and it got to three pairs of dirty boxers before i gave in. He told me he would Tonight, I came home and found he'd not put them on the bathroom floor, but just left them on top of the friggin landing instead!!! And there was a dirty bowl in the sink, again!

I thought, right if we expects me to do all these things, I just will not do them. he has got to the point where he obviously expects me to cook, so tonight I though right ill sit down with a glass of wine and expect him to cook instead. He came home at 7pm and asked really sheepish 'have you had some dinner yet?'

I said no, and continued drinking my wine. Then I told him I was going to bed to watch my own tv programme (he was probably half expecting me to go in the kitchen and ask what he fancied).

It took him until 8.50pm this evening to go 'do you want anything banging in the oven?'

I went 'oooh, actually yes...' I thought for a moment and he went really sharp 'come on hurry up I'm not messing about'.

Then he came up and went 'you need to come down in 20 mins to sort your tea out when they are cooked...'

I said 'oh, can you not just pop my burgers in some bread? and erm, some tomatoes? oh and a bit of ketchup please...?'

He went 'right' but he clearly wasnt happy.

i might just eat and leave the plate in the sink until tomorrow see if he likes it.

So sorry for the rant I'm just up to my ears with it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

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StopPOP · 12/09/2018 21:31

No advice as such as you've already decided to leave, thank goodness. What a man child. If you can bear, leave all his shit to him, especially the washing clothes (if you do his that is..). Only cook for you and DS.

When you leaving? At least you've (rightly) made the decision pre having kids/marrying/mortgage etc, phew!