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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve done it.

46 replies

babygoose48 · 13/12/2018 07:15

Hello. For those who remember me here’s a link to my previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3357481-Am-I-overeacting

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3358193-Passive-aggressiveness-and-deliberate-emotional-tactics-had-enough

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3363921-Advice-needed-being-taken-for-an-absolute-mug

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3367947-Opinions-on-his-behaviour-towards-DD-is-this-right

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3423767-Im-distraught-by-his-behaviour-still

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3430889-Why-is-it-so-hard-Handhold

I wanted to wait until after Xmas at least but after things getting very intense very quickly and a discussion over the kitchen drawers being messy and unorganised which ended up with me cowering like a dog before him whilst he gave me a lecture about how I ‘explained myself when I shouldn’t have’, I ended up coming home last night and breaking up with him before Christmas. Enough was enough and something had resonated in me to make the choice that that night would be the last night I felt fear in my own home. He poured his heart out then packed a bag and left quietly.

My heart is raw and I’m very unsettled and feeling a bit lost, and it’s not the best time of year for all this (I lost my nan a year ago this week to add to the insult so it’s been very painful anyway!) but I just wanted to thank every single one of you for taking the time to read my very long posts and making me realise I was in an abusive relationship. The strength your advice and motivation and kind words really gave me all I needed to bite the bullet and put myself and my little girl first.

Probably loads of sobbing and ‘I can’t cope’ posts to follow, but for now here’s one filled with gratitude beyond.

Thank you xxxxxx

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

OP posts:

Ravenclawclassof84 · 14/12/2018 03:42

He wasn't very nice to your daughter, reading your threads. You've definitely done the right thing by the both of you. Xxx

Original poster

babygoose48 · 14/12/2018 06:11

@hidingtonothing

Yeah I replied and said it’s too soon for these conversations, I know we have to talk soon because we need to sort the house contract and some of the things in it are his etc.

I told him feel free to come over this weekend and collect some more things but to make sure i know so I’m not accidentally at home. Told him I don’t think seeing each other this early on will be helpful at all as it will hurt more and we both need some ground to walk on and for the air to settle before we do.

He said he can’t believe it and in the love of his life and he can’t be without me. It’s hard.

I woke up around 5am with my heart physically hurting! I just can’t stop thinking about the things he did and the way he was with me, especially towards the end.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 14/12/2018 06:52

You will never regret it.

LoubyLou1234 · 14/12/2018 08:18

Stay strong you know in your heart if you've made the right decision. Write down all the things he did which made you feel awful and then when you have a wobble read them back to yourself. Remind yourself he wasn't the nice guy he is trying to portray. Things may change for a few weeks but the. Just as he has proved he would slip back into his real self.

Aussiebean · 14/12/2018 08:24

Wow. If that Is the way he treats the love of his life, imagine how he would treat someone he is indifferent to.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 08:28

He said he can’t believe it and in the love of his life and he can’t be without me

He loves himself. If the above were true, why did he turn your home into a tip, show active dislike of your DD and reduce you to "cowering like a dog" while lecturing you? That isn't love, OP, and you know it. He's lost his mummy substitute, that's all.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 08:29

He can't believe it? He can't believe you've stood up for yourself and stopped living in the nightmare he created.

BoringSoup · 14/12/2018 08:30

Well done op 💐

Good on you for suggesting a time when he comes round to collect his stuff.

You could always start putting his stuff to one side , especially his important bits and pieces, so there won’t be any “ooh I think I’ve left something at the house” scenario afterwards, as a ruse to get back into the house/to persuade you you’re making the biggest mistake of your life iyswim.

And hide your important stuff. In case he takes it with him, as a form of control, so you dont have to contact him to find out where stuff is, like passports etc.
I know how these men work....
Good luck.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 08:35

@BoringSoup excellent advice. These type of men are cunning, devious and difficult to dislodge when they're thwarted.

BoringSoup · 14/12/2018 08:36

Oh, and it’ll only be a rollercoaster ride if you let it be.
Grey rock him (I know that will be hard).
If he follows you, threatens you, mention/contact the police.
I agree with @RyderWhiteSwan, by the way.

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 08:44

Your response to his blubbing was magnificent. I would take detailed photos/video of all the rooms in the house before he comes round, and tell him you have done this. Also remove anything important or that means anything to you, like clothes he knows are your favourites.

BoringSoup · 14/12/2018 08:46

I just can’t stop thinking about the things he did and the way he was with me, especially towards the end.

Yep, keep thinking that when he tries wheedling his way back into your and your dd’s life.

I know you’re hurting, but if that is how it was towards the end, well, it was him showing you how it was going to carry on.....

BoringSoup · 14/12/2018 08:48

Wishing you all the very best of luck op 💐xx

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 08:52

Talk is cheap. Remember his actions. He'll no doubt promise to change, blah blah blah. It's just noise. Don't engage in his pity party.

nonetcurtains · 14/12/2018 09:13

He can't believe it, he can't be without you, and to follow - he will change, he didn't realise, he will do anything, he might kill himself, he needs you... it is and always will be about him.

Weenurse · 14/12/2018 09:40

Stay strong

Original poster

babygoose48 · 14/12/2018 11:19

I won't go back now, I'm really glad I've taken months to come to terms with things. If I had ended it months ago when I first noticed it I'd be back with him giving in to it all.

It's just difficult because I feel bad for him! Mad that isn't it!
I had a counselling session this morning and updated her. She mentioned something about self worth, something along the lines of 'you show so much self worth, all this time you have always stayed true to what you feel is right and acceptable and what is wrong...'

and I cried! It was such a relief to hear that because all this time I didn't have any at all when it turns out I have.

OP posts:

BlueStockingUK · 14/12/2018 12:38

Awww babygoose, I've just read your links.
You should be very proud of yourself, it is a difficult time of year, but at any time of year there could've been a reason not to end it.
You will be sad, you will mull over everything and then you can return back to your self worth and enjoy a lovely Christmas with your dd.
In a few weeks all the festivities will be over, you'll still be strong, single and better for it. New year, new beginnings.
Sending my very best wishes to you and a big fat virtual hug.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 12:40

It's just difficult because I feel bad for him! Mad that isn't it!

This is very common, even when ending highly toxic relationships, because you are a normal, nice, empathetic person. He didn't feel bad for you endlessly having to pick up after him, did he?

As a pp said - he's all about HIS wants and needs. Not yours.

ZestyMaximus · 19/12/2018 08:22

Hi babygoose48 I was thinking about you last night. How are you doing with everything? We're all here if you need us.

Deathraystare · 19/12/2018 19:15

Don't worry, he will eventually get over you and find another victim. In the meantime, every time you soften even a little bit, remember how it was, how he made you feel. That is not loving.

IJust think for once you can have a stress free Happy Christmas!!! DO not invite him!

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