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Original poster

Feel unloved and stupid and so hurt

55 replies

asdover · 12/12/2018 20:43

I have ASD. And PND

Things are difficult. I had a bad day I needed dh to understand. Instead he got angry as he is tired and had a hard day
I didn’t understand why he was being how he was and asked him to have some patience and he shouted he has enough patience every single day with me. Meaning that my ASD is too much to deal with

I feel like shit. I feel like my marriage Is over
I feel like a NT person should have a bit more compassion tbh I try my best and today I was overwhelmed
Now he wants to make up on his terms and actually I don’t want him near me

OP posts:
1Regret · 12/12/2018 20:45

If you don't want him near you, don't have him near you. Give each other a bit of space for a day or two and maybe you will both soften a bit towards each other.

ravenmum · 12/12/2018 20:51

How old is the baby? Are you both maybe just totally knackered? I'd second just staying in your own space for a good long time until maybe you are both feeling a bit better.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/12/2018 20:51

PND is hard and he should understand but he's human too. If you don't want him near you then it's fine to have space but I'm not sure you're being fair to him, no one is perfect.

Original poster
asdover · 12/12/2018 20:55

I have always absolutely hated being touched from as young as I can remember
I love him so I tried so so hard to overcome that and it is difficult for me but when I’m overwhelmed I just can’t bear physical contact
I’m breastfeeding ds too he’s 10 months so that uses up a lot of my reserves over personal space
I got upset and wanted to work things out but dh wouldn’t at all
When he decided he wanted to them I’m meant to just go oh ok then on his terms and I didn’t want a hug or to be touched and make up it makes my skin crawl and he knows that and he kept trying and I had to shout at him
Yes we are both exhausted but he needed to take a step back as he can I just end up having a meltdown if continually pushed and pushed

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 12/12/2018 23:05

I feel like a NT person should have a bit more compassion tbh

I mean this part sticks out for me - it's probably really tough on both of you. Just because they're NT doesn't mean they should be the bigger person all the time.

MMmomDD · 12/12/2018 23:18

‘I feel like a NT person should have a bit more compassion ’

I noticed this too. It’s not all ok him, OP. He isn’t superhuman.
But - having a baby is difficult and challenging for all involved. So - both need to try.
Are you getting any help with your PND? I hope you do.

TooOldForThis67 · 13/12/2018 08:27

I feel a bit sorry for the bloke, sorry!
The most natural response in the world when someone is upset or you want to show your support is to give them a hug. He can't do this with you.
I'm not without empathy for you being on the ASD spectrum, my son is.
When your DH has a bad day too, it must be hard for him to put that aside and see to your needs. I get that you are having a tough time.
Is there any other family or friends that could help you so you are not totally reliant on your DH for support?
A bit of space to calm down should help.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 13/12/2018 09:03

I'm so sorry to hear how you feel but I feel sorry for the guy. Why should he always be the one who compromises? I'm biased having been in a relationship with someone with ASD but the lack of empathy (a key determinant of autism) is exhausting and emotionally horrendous for the NT. I'd suggest you speak to your GP and give your poor DP a break.

velourvoyageur · 13/12/2018 09:38

lack of empathy (a key determinant of autism)

u srs?

they stopped saying that in the 2000s

Sallygoroundthemoon · 13/12/2018 09:40

The professionals I spoke to still say that....

Sallygoroundthemoon · 13/12/2018 09:41

Plus the OP is not exactly showing any empathy!

Babdoc · 13/12/2018 09:55

I feel sorry for both you and your DH. You are both exhausted and ratty and probably sleep deprived, like most parents of babies, and you have the additional problems of your autism and pnd.
Please don’t have a meltdown and decide your marriage is over. I’m autistic myself, and I know we can be a bit prone to take the nuclear option! Plus we can be a bit stubborn and think everything is the other person’s fault.
OP, take a deep breath and a step back.
Look at the problem objectively. You married because you love each other. Both of you need to work together to maintain that love.
You need to sit down and have a calm talk about how to resolve this situation. It needs a bit of give and take on both sides, and a bit of effort to understand each other’s point of view.
You need to explain to DH that you are tired and stressed and getting too much physical contact already with feeding your baby, so don’t want hugs at the moment.
DH needs to be able to tell you if he feels hurt and rejected, or is struggling to cope with your depression while he is also tired and adjusting to a baby.
Once you are both communicating calmly and honestly, you can work out a compromise on how to show that you love each other, and how to communicate better in future.
With a bit of goodwill on both sides, you can sort this. But the operative word is “both” - you do need to meet him halfway. Good luck, OP.

velourvoyageur · 13/12/2018 10:06

Sorry to jump on you but it's such a damaging myth, what you're claiming. No professional up to date on the literature would state without qualification that people with AS don’t have adequate empathetic capacity, let alone that they lack it altogether.
That someone has trouble deciphering non-verbal cues shouldn’t be taken as evidence that they have no empathy but rather that it just makes it harder to get to that subsequent stage where empathy would come into play at all. When people with AS are able to decode behaviour the empathy is absolutely all there. If somebody was nonexpressive, and in their culture this meant they felt sad, and your response was to conclude that they were fine and do nothing, would this mean that you had no empathy? A NT person's empathy is triggered because things like complex facial expressions have meaning to them, but that ability to see meaning doesn't constitute empathy in itself.
Also not fair to hold up the OP as paradigmatic and use her post to back up what you are saying about ALL people with the diagnosis.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 13/12/2018 12:31

Apologies. I should have said lack of theory of mind rather than lack of empathy. It was a ASD/NT specialist relationship counsellor who used the term. A Maxine Aston type but not her.
OP. I hope you can sit down and have a chat with your DP as you are obviously both struggling. Good luck.

ElsieCat · 13/12/2018 12:36

I didn’t want a hug or to be touched and make up it makes my skin crawl and he knows that and he kept trying and I had to shout at him

I imagine it's pretty tough to be married to someone who says you make their skin crawl. I imagine if you are inconsistent about how/when he is permitted to offer or expect any physical contact, even just a hug, then it must be like walking on eggshells all the time. All he wanted was some warmth and reassurance after an argument. If you can't provide that then fair enough, but I think you need to have some compassion for his position and feelings here as well. It's not all about you.

Notacluethisxmas · 13/12/2018 12:53

OP I think you need to understand my people don't have endless emotional reserves. We sometimes just can't give anymore. Once the feeling has passes we can.

My son has aspergers. It's so hard to be what he needs 24/7 365 days a year. I have other stress factors too. I work to keep a roof over our head. I need to keep my job, or the bills don't get paid. I have all that too. Then when I come home I could be facing a very difficult night with Ds it all become to much sometimes.

You and your husband are having a stressful time of it. Sometimes he will fail to be what you need right at the time you need it. Can't you accept that he is human and this happens?

Notacluethisxmas · 13/12/2018 13:12

That first line should say NT people. No My people. Sorry

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2018 13:17

I had to shout at him

How often do you find yourself "having" to shout at him?

ElsieCat · 13/12/2018 13:28

I have always absolutely hated being touched from as young as I can remember
I love him so I tried so so hard to overcome that and it is difficult for me but when I’m overwhelmed I just can’t bear physical contact

This doesn't bode well for your child. You husband at least came into the marriage with his eyes open, even if he does find it hard at times. But your child has no choice in what lies ahead for him when you are having a bad day and start shouting because he needs to touch you for reassurance or comfort.

combatbarbie · 13/12/2018 13:40

It all sounds draining on both parts but his natural reaction will be to touch you, I'd feel distraught if my dh said I mad3 his skin crawl.

I gather as you have a baby that touching you is not completly off the cards?

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 13/12/2018 16:13

I feel like a NT person should have a bit more compassion

This is the bit I have issue with. You can’t be compassionate all the time, NT or otherwise. Maybe he’s running on empty too and is tired. It seems like you expect a lot from him but what does he get back? Its actually really hard living with someone with depression and sometimes it gets tiring having to always be the one that picks up the pieces. Especially if he can’t hug you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It also doesn’t mean your marriage is over because both of you are having a bad day. He is allowed to have a bad day too.

velourvoyageur · 13/12/2018 17:26

Apologies too Sally I should have been nicer about it! Also sorry to OP for hijacking her thread.

Babdoc's post was great I thought. As I see it, you wanted to lean on DP for a bit, totally understandable - but sounds like he had no reserves left. So while he should aim not to react like that, it's a little more excusable, just like your shouting at him when he was trying to make up was also understandable if touch in this instance was unbearable for you (and do agree with pp that if you can't hug someone better you feel quite useless and that brings more negative energy into the mix, though this isn't your fault either). I hope today was better and that you're both less tense now. Would it be possible instead of involving physical contact to do some sort of bonding activity together - maybe watch something funny or play a game, so you have a nice relaxed memory of time recently spent together instead of the fight?

Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:28

I am using all my reserves to be able to parent and that includes breastfeeding my baby cuddling him etc etc
But that then means I need space and there are many times that I need to not be touched and obviously a baby can’t underst that so dh needs to give me that space
I’ve never liked physical contact but could cope better, much better before pnd as well

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 13/12/2018 19:30

But you must understand he is using all his reserves too?

Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:32

what does he get back

At the moment very little and tbh I’m using up all my energy trying to look after a baby and myself. I feel that as a NT adult he shouldn’t actually put any more pressure on me in any way. Yes I think he probably is tired too but he doesn’t have the same issues I do and he gets time to himself and space and I shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting a hug
Asd pnd or nothing why should I feel guilty about not wanting physical contact at the moment

OP posts:
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