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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel unloved and stupid and so hurt

55 replies

asdover · 12/12/2018 20:43

I have ASD. And PND

Things are difficult. I had a bad day I needed dh to understand. Instead he got angry as he is tired and had a hard day
I didn’t understand why he was being how he was and asked him to have some patience and he shouted he has enough patience every single day with me. Meaning that my ASD is too much to deal with

I feel like shit. I feel like my marriage Is over
I feel like a NT person should have a bit more compassion tbh I try my best and today I was overwhelmed
Now he wants to make up on his terms and actually I don’t want him near me

OP posts:
Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:34

I don’t know maybe he is maybe he isn’t. Yes he’s tired too but he doesn’t have asd and pnd and he’s not breastfeeding so it’s different

OP posts:
Shepherdspieisminging · 13/12/2018 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoyDora · 13/12/2018 19:37

I feel that as a NT adult he shouldn’t actually put any more pressure on me in any way

Being NT doesn’t make you perfect. NT people still feel pressure, still find things tough, still make mistakes.

Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:38

I fully understand
However at this current point with me and dh I feel that my needs are very very different to his and I need him to support me and understand I needed space and he knows that he should never have kept pushing me knowing the more distressed I am the less contact I want
I think what I mean is he could have diffused a situation but just escalated it to a point where I had a meltdown

OP posts:
redexpat · 13/12/2018 19:38

What exactly happened when he was trying to touch you?

Its not uncommon for mothers to need physical space from their dp because theyve had so much contact with the dc. But I dont know how many dps are aware of this.

Are you getting any help with pnd? Is your dp getting any support?

Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:39

No being nt doesn’t make anyone perfect but I still would expect if anyone says they don’t want to be touched they shouldn’t be pressurised or made to feel guilty for it

OP posts:
Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:39

Yes the gp is offering support

OP posts:
Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:40

He was trying to be nice I know that but he was too persistent and I lost my temper in the end as had said so so many times I needed to be alone
I wanted to calm down in my own time

OP posts:
Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:42

Things are better today but some days I really really don’t want to be touched or have anyone near me in my personal space
There’s no option with a baby and I cope ok if I get time and space alone too and I need that at the moment to keep things balanced

OP posts:
Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:43

Other people’s needs as in dh needing a hug ?

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 13/12/2018 19:49

It's very difficult. I totally understand your not wanting to be touched and your right not to be.

But sometime NT people need affection too. When stressed or upset. It can become like you actually need it.

You need to talk when things have calmed. It's a difficult time and you both need to be kind to eachother and be more understanding when the other person doesnt give what you want at the moment

Snowballs4ever · 13/12/2018 19:55

What's your dh getting from this relationship? You seem to expect him to be helpful to your needs but you aren't being kind about his needs?

Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 19:59

My needs were to be allowed my personal space and to have help when he got in
His needs were to rest as he was tired and to have a hug
In general things were better before I had pnd and at the moment I’ve been told by the gp my mental health is the priority
Before that things were ok and dh got out of it what anyone gets out of a relationship but I need extra support that’s all there are some things I struggle with even with no pnd
He knew all this though it’s not like he didn’t know when we got together

OP posts:
RetroTardigrade · 13/12/2018 20:00

Sorry posters here are giving you such a hard time OP. I think you'd get better support and advice in safe autistic space. An autistic mother, author and advocate named Lana Grant set up a facebook group for autistic mothers, you could contact her and ask to join it. She has a website with contact details.

The are other autistic support groups on different social media sites too. I hope you get the help you need Flowers

SoyDora · 13/12/2018 20:01

He’d had a shit day. No he shouldn’t have pushed you for a hug, but people make mistakes.

Original poster
asdover · 13/12/2018 20:02

I just needed to hand him the baby and have some time alone

OP posts:
Shepherdspieisminging · 13/12/2018 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worriedunimum · 13/12/2018 22:09

Omg! Take away the ASD here and the woman is saying she doesn't want contact with the man. Full stop! And lots of posters are saying "but, you should ..."

No! Forget any diagnosis! Just let's concentrate on the person who says "no" to something happening they don't want to happen, personal to their body?
Seriously people, do I need to put up the cup of tea video, again?

worriedunimum · 13/12/2018 22:17

OP, you didn't want to be touched. That's enough . No one has the right to touch you once you say that. Actually, unless you have explicitly said yes to a specific act, no one has the right to assume, or do anything else.
People can only do what you have explicitly, verbally, consented to, just before the act in question happens. And yes that includes touching of any description.

So, unless you actually say you agree, it's not ok for someone to touch you instead any way. Even if they are your husband or partner or boyfriend or friend or someone you've only just met up with .
I hope this helps you. I have a DD with ASD, I hope she would understand this if faced with the same issues you are xxx

MattBerrysHair · 13/12/2018 22:35

Op, I was the same when my ds's were little. I have autism and I had pnd too. After talking, my exh and I came to a compromise: he'd take the baby off me for an hour when he got home from work while I had alone time, then after recharging I'd engage with him properly and we'd chat, hug and kiss etc. Some rare days I wasn't capable of it at all but the majority of the time it would work. Being touched out by dc and then to have an adult wanting your body for their comfort is a huge pressure.

If we'd argued and I needed alone time to process the issues before hugging I'd just say so. At first exh thought it was withdrawal of affection as a punishment for the disagreement, but once I explained that I just needed to process what had happened and that I'd hate to have done something that hurt his feelings he was OK about it.

Scott72 · 14/12/2018 00:57

Do you ever enjoy physical touch from him at all? Or at best, are only ever able to just tolerate it? Would you prefer if he just never touched you?

Like you, I don't enjoy physical touch and don't miss it, although of course your issues with it would be more serious than mine as I don't mind it. For most people there is a need for touch that you or I can't really emphasize with but is apparently quite real, and which your husband has.

At the moment with the baby is an especially trying time for you. But what happens after this especially stressful time is ever? Will you be willing to work on this?

Scott72 · 14/12/2018 03:19

But problems like that of touch can be worked though if there is mutual sympathy and understanding. You don't seem to be displaying any sympathy or understanding towards his needs and problems at all and just dismiss them as completely irrelevant next to your own. Granted this is a trying time, but when things were easier did you ever feel sympathy for him, or gratitude for what he does for you? A relationship which is so completely one sided is not healthy long term.

Original poster
asdover · 14/12/2018 07:58

Mattberryshair
This is how I feel about recharging etc
Obviously I really don’t like being touched or having anyone too near me etc but before pnd I was much more able to find time to be alone and to not be overwhelmed also then I was more able to explain to dh
We actually did have a good relationship and would do lots together that didn’t involve touch would go out for walks and drives and talk. Go for coffee somewhere (but early and only if it was quiet/nearly empty) and as I was less stressed I could allow myself to be affectionate and recurve affection totally on my terms I suppose but dh understood now things are just a high level of stress and alert all the time
Breastfeeding I really dont think has helped I don’t hate it as such. I can do it. It’s fine when I’m feeding ds it’s ok I feel ok at that point but it’s somehow draining me of later on wanting other people anywhere near me
Maybe I can only cope with one person ?

OP posts:
OneStepMoreFun · 14/12/2018 08:05

OP, if it's any small consolation, almost everyone has horrendous rows like htis when DC are tiny. It's the sleep deprivation.

You and your OP both need to make more allowances for each other.
Your DS is 10 months old. Can you move to bottle feeding now he;s weaning anyway? No need to keep up the breast feeding if it's so invading your personal space that you can't bear being touched as a result. Touch is very important in a relationship. It's a deal breaker for most people. You need to have a routine with enough physical space for you that you can tolerate hugs from DH.

And you both need to recognise that how you both react after long, tough days in mid winter, with a tiny baby and no sleep is NOT a reflection of your real relationship with each other.

MattBerrysHair · 14/12/2018 08:48

You need to speak to your dp and explain just how empty your bucket is. A lot of the pp's are criticising you for not allowing for his needs and showing little consideration for him, but in all truthfulness, who can say they have the reserves and capability to be selfless when you are utterly empty and have nothing left to give? PND is awful for anyone and adding autism into the mix is beyond most people's comprehension.
Would you force someone with a broken leg to walk across a room to hug a partner. No! You'd treat the leg first, make sure that person was comfortable, then ask for or give a hug.

You need to reassure your dh that you love him and care about his needs, but that you literally don't have anything to give when you feel like this. In order to give him what he needs he needs to give you the time and space to recharge first. You shouldn't have to explain this, but perhaps emphasise that if he forcing hugs on a person who has said they need space m is unacceptable in any situation and for you it will potentially lead to meltdowns and worse problems.