Haven’t had sexual contact with hubby in 2 years

[Daphne21]

Hi everyone I’m new to mumsnet & wanted to share the dreadful dilemma in & hope you can help. I’m 55 & my hubby is 58 & been married 28 years. We’ve had our ups & downs as everyone does but stuck together & get on well but around 2 years ago my hubby started not to want sex & couldn’t get erect properly. Before this we always had a great sex life. To cut a long story short to the present he has recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure & high cholesterol & the doctor seems to think he’s had this ongoing for a long while & could be the cause for his erection problem & loss of libido. I’ve been really patient & tried to be open to discussion with him about all aspects but there is no reciprocation from him. He says he stil, finds me attractive & I know he’s not cheating & it’s due to health problems but his total lack of disregard for my sexual feelings are beginning to get to me & make me feel unloved, unwanted & ignored. He says he has no sexual desire at all & I understand that but if it were me in his place I would still try to pleasure my partner best I could for their benefit not just totally disregard there needs for physical closeness & sexual connection. There are lots of things we can do without full intercourse & I’m frankly getting fed up with his indifference. He would rather put all his efforts into work or other hobbies he has without sparing even a half hour for us to get intimate with each other. I’ve tried kindness, patience & understanding but lately it’s causing horrendous arguments because of my ongoing frustration. I do not at al want to take a lover but I know a man who would be more than willing to be a friend with benefits & tbh I’m very tempted as there is no improvement in hubby’s willingness to change & I can’t see me living in a sexless hell for the rest of my life. Any comments I truly appreciate if you can help or are any ladies out there going through the same ordeal?

OP - in your place - rather than pressuring him into wanting something he no longer wants, and getting into arguments about it - i’d either tell him you want to outsource that function to FWB. He may actually be relieved to hear that.

Oops - I know I said - either - so the other option that is there IF you think he’ll not be open to that arrangement - AND you don’t want to break the family over it - is to do it discretely.
But it’s against MN normal advice.

Hi MmmomDD, I’ve told him in recent fights that I’m willing to have an open relationship but stay within the marriage as I think it’s so selfish that he doesn’t care about my lack of intimacy but he says he loves me & it’s unthinkable to him for me to be with another man & yet he still does nothing to change the situation, seems he wants the cake & eat it on his terms. I really am at my wits end, so frustrated & miserable, it’s making me ill tbh

A man would be flamed for saying he is frustrated and is thinking about an affair...
Think long and hard about this, as if he wants a divorce your circumstances could go from a nice life to a pokey bed sit...

I’m 7 years on from you. Sexless marriage is as bad as you imagine.

I wish I’d taken a lover, I’d be a better wife and mother day to day if I had.

If you’ve tried everything and your dh insists on keeping his head in the sand, then let him stay blind and buried. He’s rewritten the marriage contract, not you.

I’d do it with care and discretion, and be sure I had the chutzpah to carry it off without dropping an atom bomb in our existing life.

mummy2017 he doesn’t want a divorce & says he loves me & wants to stay together but it’s the indifference & complete lack of emotional care for my frustration & feelings of emptiness since our intimate life went south several years ago that hurts the most. He’s obviously happy the way things are with total disregard for my feelings. I need to feel I’ve in a physical way it’s importsnt to me. I don’t know if I can justify staying in a relationship with no physical contact for the sake of an easier life, maybe I’d be better off n a bedsit if I can have a normal physical sex life with someone again as I miss it dreadfully. I do not want to stray as I do love this man but I’m finding it so difficult without physical affection, I’m feel torn in two at the moment..I just don’t know but have this dreadful feeling that nothing is going to change & if I do nothing this time next year I’ll be in the same boat..I don’t think it makes a person wrong either male or female to want a decent sex life & an understanding partner if sex isn’t an option any more. It’s not as if we can’t not do anything, it’s full intercourse he had trouble with & loss of libido, but surely he could take the initiative & pleasure me once in a while, I would do for him & take regard for his needs..

i

Have you suggested viagra?

EleanorRigbey yes, he is on high blood pressure meds so I don’t know if he could take it but I e suggested we talk to the doctor about it on his next appointment & he agreed but it never happens..head buried totally in the sand..

If he’s lost his sex drive then presumably that’s all sex so he will not be feeling the urge to satisfy you in other ways.

He should see the GP again and have his testosterone checked and discuss the use of Viagra given his high BP.

SkittlesandBeer I don’t think anyone understands the heartache & feeling of total desolation unless they’ve been there like yourself..it’s absolutely horrendous & debilitating. I’m so sorry I totally feel for you & as you say nothing will change & I’ll be in this situation for the foreseeable unless I have the wherewithal to change things.. with all due respect no I don’t want to end up as you are 7 years in..what can we do it’s so difficult

Maybe he feels sad and depressed at his loss of manliness, impending old age and death, and needs the love and support of his wife to get over it?

If not then best pack up and leave.

TeaForDad yes, he may well feel all these things but to not want to talk about it or what we can do together about it for the past 2 years is totally ignorance. I have been supportive in every way conceivable..I do feel for him..what about me, I’ve received no support from him whatsoever emotionally, it’s a very two sided thing marriage..he doesn’t want divorce nor allow me to get affection from a third party, I know where you’re coming from but it still doesn’t seem a fair outcome, there has to be some give & take surely

OP - it’s your life and your choices.
Given the situation as you described - i’d not be judging you for any choice you make.

Daphne absolutely you both need to give and take. I know it can be difficult when one partner feels unloved in this way.
This situation had certainly happened many times before with the sexes reversed and I'd say the same.
Can you suggest spending more time snuggled, cuddling etc? Reconnecting gentle physical contact could have a good effect?
I 100% abhor cheating and do not think this can be the way forward.

You can’t live like this for the rest of your life. You could be married and alive for another 30 years!! I’d say go with the FWB idea but be very discreet

Your not going to like what say but here goes...
At our age most men whom we might date have sex troubles.
You could find the grass is not greener, that the sex you crave does not happen, and that instead of more you get less of a life.
You have had many happy years with this man, but suddenly your unhappy and think moving out will give you this fantastic sex life...
I got back with my ex only to find at 40 he just couldn't perform.
Are you willing to bed hop, to take up with some man who will lie, and within a few months end up in the same position as you are now but with less...
With a man with no shared life to look back on. With children who may walk away from you as you have hurt their dad. Just because you want sex. With no guarantees.
Please see if you can save anything before you throw it all away...

If he were exploring options with a view to resolving things I'd be sympathetic towards him. However, he sounds self-centred, disengaged. I'd raise the issue of a discreet FWB again. If he resists, ask him what his solution is.

You lot are a joke suggesting she cheat. I can only imagine what you'd say if a man were in here asking the same question about his DW!

if it were me in his place I would still try to pleasure my partner

You can't really say that without being in that position. With the best will in the world, if your sex drive entirely goes it makes your kind work differently.

You need to decide if your marriage vows mean anything or not as this is not merely your boyfriend.

I think there are only 3 options

1. Stay and pray he gets his mojo back
2. Stay and pray the menopause robs you of yours
3. Leave

Thankyou sincerely for all your helpful comments so far, some for & some against taking a FWB, I can see both sides of the coin, just am really lost as to which road to take. I truly wish I did not have to make this decision & never ever thought this kind of problem would hit my marriage, it’s literally blown my whole existence to pieces. My potential FWB lives many miles away & should I succumb I would only get to see him very very occasionally maybe several times a year but that would be enough for me. I think I deserve some respect from my hubby in this situation as difficult as it is for him too but I’m not currently receiving any. Perhaps it’s embarrassment or he just doesn’t care, he needs to open his mouth & tell me which one it is before I make the final decision without his input I don’t think is too much to ask after giving him 30 years of my life.

Have you always been this way?
That you can't see what your planning is going to kill 30 years of marriage...
30 years of friendship good times and bad.
Have there never been times you were ill when he cared for you?
Your nearing retirement, where you could travel and do things... But you just want to get your rocks off...
Go buy a sex toy woman, if your doing all this for twice a year....

And I can’t believe people are telling OP to shut down and suppress her libido.
It’s only going to be around for that many years, OP , and denying yourself normal physical interactions is very self sacrificing. But I clear as to why....

You tried to communicate and solve the issue. And have been patient.
And you don’t want to break up the family, you just have one specific issues that needs fixing.
He is being selfish.
No reason why you can’t put your well-being first.

Just be descrete. And smart.

denying yourself normal physical interactions is very self sacrificing

Being prepared to make that sort of sacrifice is what marriage is all about. This isn't some on off boyfriend. What if he had lost all sensation from the waist down in an accident? Noone here would be telling her to cheat then! Yet this is basically medically similar!