Haven’t had sexual contact with hubby in 2 years

[Daphne21]

Hi everyone I’m new to mumsnet & wanted to share the dreadful dilemma in & hope you can help. I’m 55 & my hubby is 58 & been married 28 years. We’ve had our ups & downs as everyone does but stuck together & get on well but around 2 years ago my hubby started not to want sex & couldn’t get erect properly. Before this we always had a great sex life. To cut a long story short to the present he has recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure & high cholesterol & the doctor seems to think he’s had this ongoing for a long while & could be the cause for his erection problem & loss of libido. I’ve been really patient & tried to be open to discussion with him about all aspects but there is no reciprocation from him. He says he stil, finds me attractive & I know he’s not cheating & it’s due to health problems but his total lack of disregard for my sexual feelings are beginning to get to me & make me feel unloved, unwanted & ignored. He says he has no sexual desire at all & I understand that but if it were me in his place I would still try to pleasure my partner best I could for their benefit not just totally disregard there needs for physical closeness & sexual connection. There are lots of things we can do without full intercourse & I’m frankly getting fed up with his indifference. He would rather put all his efforts into work or other hobbies he has without sparing even a half hour for us to get intimate with each other. I’ve tried kindness, patience & understanding but lately it’s causing horrendous arguments because of my ongoing frustration. I do not at al want to take a lover but I know a man who would be more than willing to be a friend with benefits & tbh I’m very tempted as there is no improvement in hubby’s willingness to change & I can’t see me living in a sexless hell for the rest of my life. Any comments I truly appreciate if you can help or are any ladies out there going through the same ordeal?

Let me ask a crazy question. The very first time he couldn't get an erection properly, what was your reaction, what did you say? That first time of not being able to be able to function"as a man" turned his whole world upside down. He was/is embarrassed ashamed maybe even depressed. You say he said he still finds you attractive, ask him to talk, not about sex, but to talk. Ask him what he finds attractive about you, and why? See if you can get a conversation going in a positive direction.

Badger, can I ask how old you are?

This is why websites where married people ‘date’ exist. AM, IE, others I presume....
They are full of people in similar circumstances, who don’t want to divorce but don’t want to give up on physical side of things.

It’s very hard,there seems to be a presumption that people these days will always feel sexual regardless of age. I have to be honest and say I rarely feel like it, have felt this way since around 45, now 56. It’s not a problem if you both feel like this but that usually isn’t the case and to be honest I have felt this way in all 3 long term relationships I have had after first 3 or 4 years. Funnily enough I don’t mind ‘giving’ a bit more, handjobs, blowjobs etc , I just don’t like ‘receiving’ psychiatrists make of that what you will!!

The high blood pressure and blood pressure medication will be causing his lack of libido and erections and lack interest. Is his job high pressured? Is he stressed (given high blood pressure). Possibly working on stress levels and getting blood pressure down naturally and meditation and change of lifestyle would help to decompress him. High blood pressure is a serious health issue which could cause strokes, brain bleeds and other problems. Medication masks the problem but isn't a cure.

I've been in this situation, more than once. From a personal point of view, I don't recommend affairs or FWB. If I were in your shoes, I would divorce him. Staying won't make it any better or change his mind.

If you can't bring yourself to leave after 28 years, which I understand, I would not have a secret affair or FWB, I would be open about it for the reasons mentioned by a Renarde.

Reasons mentioned by Renard.

I'd be divorcing as well.
This would be a total deal-breaker for me and I couldn't cheat.
So.... Separation... What does it look like?
How old are your DC?
Do they still live at home?
Do you work and could you live without his income etc...?

Just be descrete. And smart.

Lovely, go behind your husband's back and bang whoever.

OP, I would not cheat on him, and if he is not willing to have an open relationship with you then I'd ask him if he would consider separation as you both now appear to want completely different things.

Given that it's primarily a serious health issue perhaps he needs to go back to GP to try another brand of BP tablets. Some can have this affect but also high blood pressure itself can affect libido even with blood pressure medication. As I mentioned before he could address the reasons behind his increased blood pressure and deal with it naturally whilst still trying different medication.

OP given that your 55 and have been through a lot together why do you want to have sex with this friend? Is it just sex because it sounds to me like you "fancy" the friend which I think is a whole other issue.

Daphne21 Tue 11-Dec-18 23:34:22
Madmum5811, I wonder how old you are.............................................................I am 62 now was 50 the last time we had sex, but to be honest from my early forties he had problems. Enlarged prostate. If I had not had a baby at 44 thanks viagra, I would have left. Son is off to uni next year, so my time to flee has been and gone shrug. As I said I am at peace with it now, see to myself if I get the urge.

Madmum What does that last post mean please?

O got it now. Was confused 😊

I was a lot younger when this happened to me.

My DH of the time went off sex and we had only been married a year.

I certainly didn't sign up to that in my late 20's.

What caused it was his awful lifestyle.
As soon as we were married he ended up eating loads of calorific foods, mostly just meat cheese and bread and downed pints of beer every night.

There was no hope.

I left and found someone else and now have a much healthier outlook on sex as a result.

It's an awful feeling when your own husband makes you feel like a desperate sex pest.

(I certainly wasn't)

It's hard as i can't say what I would have done if it had happened in 30 years time.
I was lucky in that by the time we were divorced we were only married 3 years.

It wasn't the lack of sex really either, it was his total disregard for me, the way he made me feel dirty, the lack of care in the way he was treating himself and the thought that if he carried on his unhealthy lifestyle, he wouldn't be around long.

If you see this friend secretly, and your husband finds out about it, it would be devastating for him, wouldn't it? I know it's easy to play down the hurt caused by an affair (calling it FWB doesn't make it not an affair) - but they hurt like hell, they really do. Your husband is presumably already feeling less of a man, that would be the final nail in the coffin. And you would feel like absolute shit too; total loss of self-respect, right? I'd go out on a limb and say that leaving him would cause less pain all around. You're toying with the idea of an affair now, but don't fall into the trap of just thinking about it with half your brain and "accidentally" letting it happen, acting like it is all not entirely real and is probably harmless. Think about it properly, use your intelligence.

Do you definitely think it is his innate selfishness that is stopping him from non-PIV sex? Is he selfish in other ways? Has he had counselling? If he won't even consider that, how do you think he'd react if you proposed a trial separation? Not in an angry way, though; anger and emotion seem to make him clam up? How about adopting a factual, tired, resigned manner: "I can't see any other way, sorry".

I sympathise with him, he hasn't stopped loving you, he just doesn't want sex. Of course the idea of you having sex with someone else is going to hurt and he doesn't want it!
Cheeating is never the answer, either accept everything you do have minus sex and sort yourself out, or leave him.

Do you still see him as (potentially) sexy, caressable? The word "hubby" makes me wonder! Or do you see him as "provider of sex" but not really attractive?

*busybarbara
They are saying that you could try doing something else just for the partner who hasn't lost their sex drive.

If you have no sex drive it just isn't appealing and advice like that is as useful as telling an anorexic to "just eat".*

No it isn't. That would be like me saying to just have sex anyway. Using an anorexic as an example would be like the anorexic has decided that the entire family must be anorexic too and would be me saying to pour the family member a bowl of cereal.

If you don't have it in you to even just cuddle or just kiss your partner while they sorted themselves out then I think that's extremely selfish to be honest if you've decided that they can never have sex.

I really think most of these intimacy starved partners would be happy with the situation where "you look lovely, let me watch you and kiss you and talk to you while you pleasure yourself". And how difficult is that, for someone you have loved for many years? Can it be so much of a chore? To make your dear life partner happy?

I just don't understand it.

If you have no sex drive I would have thought oral sex or kissing would be off limits too as both are very intimate, more so than piv sex in my opinion.

I could personally only kiss someone I was very attracted to.

I could cope with the lack of sex, but not the lack of intimacy.

Your dh could still kiss, cuddle and make you feel wanted and loved without it being sexual. Imo you need intimacy as much as trust and friendship in a relationship, otherwise you might as we have married your best mate. There's nothing stopping the op's dh giving her a massage, rubbing her feet whist watching the telly, all those things create intimacy without it being sexual.

I don't think an affair is the right thing, but if you're not getting sex or intimacy then you do need to think about a future, with a partner who found give you that.