Haven’t had sexual contact with hubby in 2 years

[Daphne21]

Hi everyone I’m new to mumsnet & wanted to share the dreadful dilemma in & hope you can help. I’m 55 & my hubby is 58 & been married 28 years. We’ve had our ups & downs as everyone does but stuck together & get on well but around 2 years ago my hubby started not to want sex & couldn’t get erect properly. Before this we always had a great sex life. To cut a long story short to the present he has recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure & high cholesterol & the doctor seems to think he’s had this ongoing for a long while & could be the cause for his erection problem & loss of libido. I’ve been really patient & tried to be open to discussion with him about all aspects but there is no reciprocation from him. He says he stil, finds me attractive & I know he’s not cheating & it’s due to health problems but his total lack of disregard for my sexual feelings are beginning to get to me & make me feel unloved, unwanted & ignored. He says he has no sexual desire at all & I understand that but if it were me in his place I would still try to pleasure my partner best I could for their benefit not just totally disregard there needs for physical closeness & sexual connection. There are lots of things we can do without full intercourse & I’m frankly getting fed up with his indifference. He would rather put all his efforts into work or other hobbies he has without sparing even a half hour for us to get intimate with each other. I’ve tried kindness, patience & understanding but lately it’s causing horrendous arguments because of my ongoing frustration. I do not at al want to take a lover but I know a man who would be more than willing to be a friend with benefits & tbh I’m very tempted as there is no improvement in hubby’s willingness to change & I can’t see me living in a sexless hell for the rest of my life. Any comments I truly appreciate if you can help or are any ladies out there going through the same ordeal?

@busybarbara

It isn’t the same if he got paralysed, then, come on.
This man had full control of his limbs. And his W of many years has explicitly told him she is missing this sort of attention and interaction....
And it’s making her unhappy.

And he can’t be bothered to pick up a vibrator and kiss her?

So - self sacrifice has to happen on HER side only?
What about his side?

So after 28 years of satisfaction, you want to return for a newer model....
Nice woman.

Well I’m 7 years down the line and if you think that lack of intimacy where there are no hugs or kisses, where no adult ever touches your skin is solved by buying a vibrator you’re deluded. Sex is so much more than orgasms.

@SpiritedLondon

I agree. I referenced a vibrator - because OP has said she suggested other ways her H can participate in intimate play without engaging in PIV.
She sounded like she’d be happy with any effort on his side.
But he doesn’t seem to want to try anything.

Jsku

No I wasn’t responding to your comment - I think any play you can have with your partner is great. I was responding to this comment:

Go buy a sex toy woman, if your doing all this for twice a year

Dismissive and patronising - as ever the OP is being unreasonable in feeling the way she does. And personally I have every sympathy with men who are married to women who have no libido as well. It’s difficult.... it’s really really difficult.

Yes I said it...
In may be 5 years your sex drive could be gone... Why wreck your life for sex...
Talk to him.

I really feel for you and completely understand how undesirable this situation can make you feel. Especially as we mature, it can be tough dealing with how we are becoming compared to how we were.

All I can do is to offer another perspective. Men and women are different in a fair few ways. We ladies like to feel desired to feel womanly, sexy. At the very least, we expect to get this feeling from our dh/dp.
Men feel manly partly based on their performance. If he’s lost his erectile function ( in a mans head, the main part) then he’s going to feel less of a man. This can be a huge thing for a guy to cope with. It’s possible he’s lost a lot of his confidence because of this.
I know you’ve reassured him, and to you his erectile function is not the be it and end all. But to a lot of men it is. Without it they can lose confidence in different aspects of sex. It’s surprising how many guys are lacking in confidence with the different aspects of sex. If they can pop it in and pump, and get a viable result they are certain of then job done. If they can’t really do that, they can feel a little lost.

I don’t know your husband but my dh has major back surgery. He’s been left with numbness in half of his genitals, butt cheek and thigh so he doesn’t get the same sensation. If I’m honest, since then he’s lost confidence. It doesn’t matter to me but I can sense it does to him.

I’m only saying this in the hope that you realise it’s not you, your attractiveness or anything you’re doing wrong.
But I also don’t think it’s him being selfish, just maybe a different approach with less pressure for you both.

Maybe remind yourselves of some memorable encounters over the years, funny ones, risky ones, to bring the fun element back to the subject. Just chatting about them could cause a little spark and ignite his fire. X

This is a test of your character. Who are you in response to a difficult situation? Are you somebody who will deceive and betray your husband of 30 years by taking on a fwb, or will you have the strength to respond with a level of respect your relationship and partner deserves?

My advice would be to have an honest discussion with your husband & say that come the New Year he must address this issue to the best of abilities otherwise you will consider leaving him. If he doesn’t respond and put in the effort you deserve then divorce would be the best way forward.

Holy shit.

I am the one who has lost my sex drive for various reasons post children. Yes i know it effects dh, badly. But what do I do? Lie back and think of england while hating every minute? Force myself?

I think choices are:

A) leave
B) work through it.

Having an affair is just a shit thing to do. I did think about telling dh to find a fb, but that would absolutely be the death knell as i couldn’t have sex with him again if i knew he’d been intimate with someone else. So it would be over either way. If he did it behind my back i’d never forgive him.

I seriously can’t believe you all think shagging someone else is the answer. Poor bloke.

mummy2017 yes, he has underlying health problems but ED is not an illness & can be treated normally to a satisfactory extent & so you can resume some kind of sex life, he’s just not a willing participant. It’s his not wanting to do anything about it when there are several options available that to me is the most worrying in a way. We had a wonderful sex life, now nothing almost overnight, like a light switch turned off. I think only people in my dilemma can really appreciate how I feel & how lonely & isolated & unattractive it makes you feel despite what your partner says to the contrary. It eats away at you & your self esteem.

I don't think it's anything personally against you, OP. I think he's just feeling embarrassed about it (the male ego is often very fragile it seems and maybe he feels (wrongly) less of a man.. a lot of men do think like that and their pride gets easily hurt.

Females, stereotypically are a bit different - they don't feel as much shame in general losing their libido and are often happy enough to play along but might be difficult the other way.

Even if I had ED and couldn't or didn't want to have sex, there would be nothing at all that could stop me from holding or kissing my wife while she masturbates next to me.

A complete cessation of sex within a relationship is a huge movement of the goal posts.

You can either accept the new position of the goalposts, try to move the goalposts at least partially back to their original position, or stop playing the game.

It doesn't sound like your DH is going to allow the goalposts to move back at all. No non-PIV contact, no FWB, no nothing. He's refusing to even talk about it. Have you tried reversing the positions? Ask him what he would do if 15 years ago you had told him that you were no longer interested in having sex with him, ever again. What would he have done? Would he have been happy with that? Would he have considered it to be reasonable? I think not.

I'd probably go at it with a statement of "This relationship was founded on mutual consideration and compromise. You seem unable to be considerate of me, and are uninterested in any compromise whatsoever. To this end, I'm going to crack on with my FWB. I'll do it quietly and discreetly, and it'll have nothing to do with you, just as you want nothing to do with me." and see what happens from there.

OzzieWozzie, I’ve tried everything you’ve mentioned & still as dead as a doornail & totally tuned out to every suggestion I make. I’ve told him the ED isn’t a major issue, which I miss but willing to compromise or find ways to work around it but I may as well bang my head against the wall. There is nothing, certainly no instigation & soon I will give up trying, I’m exhausted. It was I who suggested he see a doctor to see if anything was wrong medically 2 years ago, he’s only just gone this month because of my persistence. He has high blood pressure & cholesterol factors for ED but nothing untreatable. I’ve pushed him to excersize & we eat healthily because I care for him but he doesn’t seem to feel my anguish or is blind to it.

Sethis, I agree 100% with your comment, you understand completely, there is no excuse to deny all kinds of affection because you can no longer perform one kind adequately if you truly care & love your partner. I think after 2 years of me being silent & just accepting the situation it’s maybe conea nit of a shock that I am suddenly beginning to rebel but I’ve felt as if I’m about to burst from unhappiness & indifference these last few months & feel now an ultimatum must be found, if he isn’t willing to participate despite my efforts then I will have to go it alone & think seriously what is to be done..Thankyou for your kind & thoughtful unselfish comment.. your partner isa lucky lady.

How would you feel about going to couples counselling/psychosexual counselling? Would he be willing? Whatever the answer, clearly you aren’t communicating as a couple. He’s not ‘hearing’ what this sexless life means to you and perhaps you aren’t hearing his stuff either, eho knows? I’d say with a long marriage together, it has to be worth a try

@Micah It must be difficult for you, but do you see how unfair you're being? You have decided to just remove your DH's sex life without any input from him and he isn't allowed to do anything about it.

The answer isn't to have sex you hate, that isn't what people are saying. They are saying that you could try doing something else just for the partner who hasn't lost their sex drive.

Are you also not kissing or cuddling your DH like poor OP is experiencing? She has had all physical affection withdrawn and is being told that this is her life now, and if she's 'lucky' she'll stop wanting affection from a partner in a few years. No kissing, no cuddles, no massage, no nothing.

OP, if you start seeing someone else you are likely to fall for them and make a much bigger mess than a straightforward divorce. I wouldn't blame you for either option since your DH doesn't seem to care enough about your happiness.

I think the Op has done the 'talking to him' bit, and tried her hardest to help him find the solution. So advice to talk about it seems a bit pointless.
Your dh could take viagra, even if he was not particularly enthusiastic about it, he could try.. Why should you op be the one making the sacrifices etc.
Word of warning though, after my dexh unilaterally decided ours was a celibate marriage and point blank refused to see gp or have counselling, I did start an affair thinking this was easy answer. I never wanted to leave my dexh but thought I could have some sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
I fell head over heels for affair partner.. I never intended that to happen, never wanted that but suddenly there was this man who not only fulfilled all my physical needs but also all my other ones too.. And he was who I wanted to be with.

It has been the best and worse of times. An affair is beyond awful for all involved

I have ended up with the affair partner and life with him is better than I ever imagined but it came at a cost.

Be warned fwb rarely stay just that.

Been like this for 12 years, I tried talking, he did take viagra a couple of times but it gave him a headache. I have cried, raged, been verbally cruel. Nothing worked he says he was too old for all that nonsense a few years ago. He is 7 years older than me. He was absolutely not interested in taking care of me in any way, said he would divorce me if I had another man. I have in the last couple of years come to terms with it.

What is funny is that years ago he said if I ever went off sex he would be entitled to find it somewhere else. Sometimes it is so sad to think I will never be held/touched like that by a man ever again.

Maybe he just doesn't fancy you anymore.
This sounds like me and my DH. Nothing for 2 years. At first I was very bothered, but now I really don't mind. We still love each other, more than ever actually.
ED isn't just about not being able to get an erection. Viagra might help, but it doesn't mean he will still want to have sex!

I feel for you. Dh and my sex life has slowed down in the last few years to the extent where we have sex weekly on average rather than quite a bit more. I’ve been feeling really down about it, undesired and unattractive. We have spoken about it and he’s been making a real effort. Now I know to you this sounds ridiculous but if I was feeling that bad in our situation I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.

The fact that he seems to be putting up a wall and refusing to make any effort or changes is not acceptable either. Does he kiss and cuddle you? Hold your hand? Any of the things that help us to feel connected to our partners? If not, and if he is unwilling to either go to counselling or try other things in the bedroom I think you only have 2 choices. To stay and accept that this may be your life now and certainly for the foreseeable future. Or leave as your marriage is making you deeply unhappy.

Personally, I don’t think I could cheat but i wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’m not sure you would find exactly what you’re looking for though. I hope you can make him listen to you and start to mak positive changes.

@Micah

I don’t think anyone was suggesting thinking of England and laying there.
But - OP has mentioned that she’d be OK with other, non-PIV interactions. And he refuses.

It also applies in the case of a female losing her libido. If you love your H - would you want to try to see if you can participate and give him at least some intimacy that doesn’t require PIV?

And if you absolutely can’t face being naked with your spouse - then I do think it’s unfair to not let them have access to other ways of having physical intimacy.

You say - you won’t be able to sleep with H if he slept with someone else.
Firstly - you don’t even know if your libido is coming back.
Secondly - he has slept with other people - and you slept with him after that. I presume you weren’t virgins when you married.

Anyway. I do believe unilateral withdrawal of sex, without being ready for alternatives is not fair in a relationship.

Madmum5811, I wonder how old you are. The opinion of your hubby seems to be of the old double standard, do as I say but not do as I do. An affair probably isn’t the answer at all but I believe it can be a stop gap of a kind. You are not a possession but a free spirit who committed to a marriage but if that promise isn’t fulfilled surely we have the right to seek elsewhere. Maybe you never took a lover for fear of your husband divorcing you but maybe now you look back with regret, sounds as if he has some control over you. We never want to deliberately hurt our loved ones but we only have one life & ive had 2 years of no physical love & it hurts deeply, as you say the thought of never knowing a mans affection again is quite frightening really. I think the ship of intimacy had sailed for me & hubby & I think i will sink if I don’t swim & maybe reach out to another knowing that it comes with its consequences as do most things in life.

They are saying that you could try doing something else just for the partner who hasn't lost their sex drive.

If you have no sex drive it just isn't appealing and advice like that is as useful as telling an anorexic to "just eat".

Might be time for a random post for me, in which, I daresay, I'll spout utter bollocks!

OP, I perceive you and DH are now in a game of brinkmanship. On the face if it, this is an argument about sex. But it's not. Its about control. You have both over I guess months and years been outlining your positions. You know where each other stands.

Getting to the point in a relationship, and I've been there, and saying I need it to be open, pretty big shit.

You're frustration both sexual and intellectual is shining through your writing.

So in the game, who moves first? I cannot answer that for you but what I would really recommend is that you don't do it covertly. If you want to take a lover, tell him but be aware that it could tip him over the edge.

I say dobt lie or be discrete, not just because its ethically wrong bit this shit always gets out and I guarantee, years down the line, it will be used against you.

And because wanting and needing sex and intimacy is vital.

I nearly burst into tears reading this. I'm a man in a similar situation. All I want, now, is the occasional cuddle. Everything else is off the menu. We used to have an active and fulfilling sex life, but it dwindled over the years and now is definitely NOT A SUBJECT FOR DISCUSSION. I go on walking holidays instead.