My mother has always been very negative about me and very critical of everything I do. I have a younger sister and my mother is always making 'helpful suggestions' to her too, but the quality of what she says is more negative/judgmental with me. I now have children (but no partner) and so I have seen quite a lot of her over the past few years. She has occasionally helped me with childcare in an emergency, but mostly just comes at weekends to see us.
Her criticism always bothers me, but over the last couple of years there have been some unforgiveable comments along the lines of "your house is so messy that I could call social services about it". Although it is untidy, this simply isn't true -- I've had the health visitor here, midwife, etc, and with my rational mind I know that although it isn't spotless and we do have a lot of stuff crammed in to a small space, it's not unacceptable (if that makes sense). Each time she has said this I have found it offensive and a bit threatening, and have reduced contact. She has also criticised me in front of the children, which I feel undermines me as a parent, and I felt my DD was getting a bit carried away with feeling as if it was her and Granny against me (e.g. when I told her to get dressed in the morning, "You're always been rude to me and Granny!)
Finally my mother said something similar again, and I then asked her the next time she was due to come round if she could please refrain from criticising as I had a lot of my plate at the moment and couldn't take it (having a relationship crisis plus big deadlines). She reacted badly, so I said in that case I simply couldn't see her.
Since then I have seen her once at my sister's house (which went fine), then once at the weekend for a Christmas performance by one of the kids (lots of little 'suggestions' like that I should really cut DD's fringe, etc, and a few snidey comments about how she didn't want to be "cut off from her grandchildren"), then again today for a nativity play.
Today was a disaster. She turned up, opened my front door (she still has a key) although I'd told her to wait outside as we'd be coming in a second, criticised everything (why hadn't I put an extra coat on the baby? it must be freezing. I really must brush DD's hair, it was terribly messy!) etc and then sat through the nativity play. I bought her a hot chocolate and then on the way back to the bus she started talking about how she "had a right to see her grandchildren" and how she could go to court and get a court order to see them!
Not sure what I want to ask. AIBU? What am I meant to do about Christmas? I don't want to cut her and the kids off, as it's an important relationship for all of them, but it's just all a bit much.