Difficult mother

[MotherOfDragonite]

My mother has always been very negative about me and very critical of everything I do. I have a younger sister and my mother is always making 'helpful suggestions' to her too, but the quality of what she says is more negative/judgmental with me. I now have children (but no partner) and so I have seen quite a lot of her over the past few years. She has occasionally helped me with childcare in an emergency, but mostly just comes at weekends to see us.

Her criticism always bothers me, but over the last couple of years there have been some unforgiveable comments along the lines of "your house is so messy that I could call social services about it". Although it is untidy, this simply isn't true -- I've had the health visitor here, midwife, etc, and with my rational mind I know that although it isn't spotless and we do have a lot of stuff crammed in to a small space, it's not unacceptable (if that makes sense). Each time she has said this I have found it offensive and a bit threatening, and have reduced contact. She has also criticised me in front of the children, which I feel undermines me as a parent, and I felt my DD was getting a bit carried away with feeling as if it was her and Granny against me (e.g. when I told her to get dressed in the morning, "You're always been rude to me and Granny!)

Finally my mother said something similar again, and I then asked her the next time she was due to come round if she could please refrain from criticising as I had a lot of my plate at the moment and couldn't take it (having a relationship crisis plus big deadlines). She reacted badly, so I said in that case I simply couldn't see her.

Since then I have seen her once at my sister's house (which went fine), then once at the weekend for a Christmas performance by one of the kids (lots of little 'suggestions' like that I should really cut DD's fringe, etc, and a few snidey comments about how she didn't want to be "cut off from her grandchildren"), then again today for a nativity play.

Today was a disaster. She turned up, opened my front door (she still has a key) although I'd told her to wait outside as we'd be coming in a second, criticised everything (why hadn't I put an extra coat on the baby? it must be freezing. I really must brush DD's hair, it was terribly messy!) etc and then sat through the nativity play. I bought her a hot chocolate and then on the way back to the bus she started talking about how she "had a right to see her grandchildren" and how she could go to court and get a court order to see them!

Not sure what I want to ask. AIBU? What am I meant to do about Christmas? I don't want to cut her and the kids off, as it's an important relationship for all of them, but it's just all a bit much.

is she like this to your sister? How does your sister 'manage' her behaviour - or is your sister the golden child and so she doesnt want to lose face in front of her, or perhaps your sister is much stronger so she would pull your mum up if she started on you in front of her.

Your mum sounds like a bully and, for whatever reason, you are scared and cowed by her. It doesnt seem as if its the same for other sister/ I can emphasise because until really very recently I was the same. My sister I used to think was spoilt but now I see that she just was able to find a way to get her demands met, which was to kick off if they were not - as a result she wont take any criticism or nonsense from my mum or dad and calls them out straight away.

Me, on the other hand, was too scared to, and so it meant that often stuff would be said or done which clearly demonstrated that my needs came at the bottom of the pile, and if I tried to enforce them, I was considered ungrateful or selfish.

I dont think either my sister or I came out mentally better than each other - bothh with self esteem issues due to the fact that neither of us were parented particularly well, or were not nurtured. The problems roll backwards though - there was serious dysfunction with both parent's childhoods and you can see that playing out.

everyone just seems to be palying the small hurt child when their triggers are hit - each desperately trying to keep control for whatever reasons they need to.

Same with my partners parents.

The fact that our generation seem alot more open to analysing and changing is a benefit though - its hard to change lifetime patterns but for our kids its worth it.

Op I think that your mother is a bully, I know mine is and it's very difficult to stand up for yourself.
I would also add that when people have a good relationship with their mother it's virtually impossible for them to understand what living with a toxic mother is like. I've had many disagreements with friends about this subject because it's really hard to explain
If she behaves well in front of your sister, then as another pp said she's choosing to behave badly.

mother you are very right to put boundaries in place but by asking her for favours while you're resetting those boundaries, you're not doing yourself any favours.

State your boundaries, keep to them.

Pull back from relying on her or asking her for anything during the adjustment period. It's asking for trouble, by giving her a chance to say something snipe-y or bitter and actually it's not very fair.

Once boundaries are redrawn and she's accepted them (if she can) then slowly you can relax about asking her favours.

Seriously though, her undermining you with your daughter is Trouble with a capital T for the long term. It needs stopping now.