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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doing job + wife doing higher paying job and all childcare and household chores

54 replies

Worriedmum97 · 10/12/2018 13:24

As topic states we have a husband who works full time, drops kids to school/nursery in the morning, spends 15 min in the evening on reloading dishwasher, tidying up toys. Wife who works full time, earns more, leaves work at 5pm to pick up kids, feed them, do homework, get kids to bed. We have a nanny for 12 hours a week who cooks dinner, does some cleaning and school run. Everything else is done by wife: family meals planning, grocery ordering, school activities, clothes, family holidays and much much more. Every time I complain to my husband about inequality he reminds me that he never works too much overtime and is always around and offers help. But with 2 small kids at home and no family around I’m just exhausted, all these doctor appointments, medications for kids, birthday parties, homework, school lunches, costumes, it’s all in my head. And have you forgotten that I have a full time job and 2+ hours of commute a day? What others do in a similar situation? medium.com/s/jessica-valenti/kids-dont-damage-women-s-careers-men-do-eb07cba689b8.

OP posts:
Musti · 10/12/2018 13:52

Delegate some tasks to him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/12/2018 13:53

Why do you actually need him?

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 13:56

Op - he is doing what he gets away with. If you lay it all in paper - hours worked, tasks to do - then as him why he thinks it’s fair to split it the way you do - what will he say?
If he refuses to change anything - i’d be concerned.
And wonder why I need him.

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 10/12/2018 14:08

Yes, when he’s at home during weekends he spends most of his time with kids, I do cooking/cleaning. I don’t get a chance to relax, never. By the time kids are driven to all their weekend activities, fed, done with homework, read books, laundry done, beds done - it’s already Sunday night and all I can do is fall in bed. Haven’t watched tv for 7 years, been to cinema/theatre 6 times, half of them with kids, had coffee with a friend 3 times, out on corporate event 4 times. Have pretty much no friends, no social life, nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 10/12/2018 14:13

But he never takes time off work on kids related things, I have to do every other week on average. He sees my job as secondary to his and spends evenings preparing for interviews for a future job or just watching movies. I spend my evenings doing online grocery shopping, sorting out school correspondence, arranging holiday clubs, etc - endless list of a modern mum.

OP posts:
kayakingmum · 10/12/2018 14:14

I don't think it's fair to compare the amount of money you both earn. He may be bringing in less, but he may be working just as hard as you when he is at work.

In terms of house hold jobs ask him to add another one or two jobs to his list. You said he offered to help more so take him up 9n his offer- if you want to.

Rainycloudyday · 10/12/2018 14:15

So stop doing things. He sounds like a loser and he don't lift a finger while you're doing everything. You need to put your foot down and explain to him that he's putting your marriage at risk.

Biscusting · 10/12/2018 14:16

Why on earth have you let that trundle on? 7 years!!! I'd be reflecting on the last couple months and promptly redressing the balance. Doesn't matter who earns more, its hours worked. So if you are out of the house 11 hours and him 8, he picks up the slack at home. You both work and no one sits down until the jobs are done. The children should also have some responsibility for their own cleaning.

kayakingmum · 10/12/2018 14:17

He doesn't spend annual leave with the family? That sounds bad. I would be more upset about that than anything else.

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 10/12/2018 14:18

His argument is that being new to the company and industry if he starts taking time off work for kids related things he’ll get fired. When I have quite a senior position and have been in my industry for a while so can afford some flexibility but it costs me parts of my night when I have to catch up with my workload

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/12/2018 14:19

This isn’t a modern mum issue you have a husband issue

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 10/12/2018 14:28

Youngest child is allergic to dust mites and doctor strongly advised to keep house tidy to keep asthma in bay. So just not doing anything is not an option

OP posts:
MovemberBlues · 10/12/2018 14:35

OP don't let this situation drag on. I did - for years and years - and we are now divorced because I lost all respect for him and called it a day. I should have told him that the loads - including that all important element, headpace for planning and caring - were unfair and uneven and things had to change. Instead I just got my head down and worked even harder every time he showed how useless he was. Our relationship was otherwise good but now it's gone. Don't be me. Take action now.

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 10/12/2018 14:36

No, he takes annual leaves and spends them with us. But guess where we go for Christmas - skiing, husbands favourite and I hate it, but I forgot what I like, there was no option that I think I like, I just want some piece and quiet and rest.

OP posts:
kayakingmum · 10/12/2018 16:34

If Christmas is his choice, the summer holiday should be your choice.
I love skiing, my partner doesn't ski so I go without him (he'll be away with work anyway so in my case it's a win win).

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/12/2018 16:49

You need to create a social life for yourself too OP. Start arranging to meet people and delegate tasks while you're gone.

I would agree with him about the new job thing. I started a new job earlier in the year and my H had to do the lionshare of appointment until recently as I had to prove myself.

I sort out all the activities/parties etc but H has to make their lunch every night, go to the shop if we run out of something and he also does a lot of drops to hobbies. Just start delegating and that includes appointments when he's been in the job long enough

Dontaskmyname · 10/12/2018 16:50

If he says he’s happy to help, great! Write a list with absolutely everything to do in the week and let him pick 50% of jobs. Fair is fair.

Bet he has a problem with that.

I have learnt that people treat you how you let yourself be treated. Demand respect, fairness and equality. He’ll have to step up, what other option is there? If you have got a reasonable bloke, he’ll realise that the current set up is very unfair on you. And if he cares about you and respects you, he will take steps to put it right. If he doesn’t want to do it, it tells you something.

Unless you want to burn yourself out, I would sit him down and get this sorted. What is going on is in no way, shape or form acceptable. And no, it is not ‘a modern mum’, it’s a ‘walk all over you’ situation.

EvaHarknessRose · 10/12/2018 17:18

Some people say, do the schedule, but if you are ‘project managing’ then he does more of the actual grunt work tasks on the list. Isn’t it interesting that when the man is in the higher paying or full time job he can’t possibly take time, and yet when the woman is then she obviously has more security and can do! It is male priviledge, pure and simple. He does not expect to have to do it.

Notcoolmum · 10/12/2018 17:51

Share this with him.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

TatianaLarina · 10/12/2018 17:57

The only way to make him listen is an ultimatum: either you divide the house and childcare equally or it’s over.

You have to mean it though, he will know if you’re bluffing.

You sound on the verge of breakdown OP.

Want2bSupermum · 10/12/2018 18:31

Spell it out to him. I told DH that I would be finishing our marriage if he didn't pull his weight. I don't care that he is the higher earner. I'm not a damn servant to him and the DC nor am I DHs mother. It's hard work managing a family and something that needs to be shared.

Personally I would start by giving him 100% responsibility for the cleaning or the food/meals and give him doctors appointments to book. Failure to complete tasks results in zero sex. You aren't his mother. Worked with my DH.

lynnepot · 10/12/2018 18:37

The new year is the perfect time to shake it up a bit. Just lay it to him he needs to help out a bit more. Delegate a few extra weekly tasks on him and gradually offload 100% of chores on him Grin

EarlyModernParent · 10/12/2018 19:14

Do not let him sit about watching films. Go to him and tell him you need him to do the chores with you. Keep doing it. Ask him why h gets to put his feet up while you rush around.
And, I hope you aren’t doing his washing or admin, but if you are, stop now.
That’s all short-term. For the long-term, plan your escape. A man who behaves like this towards you is not someone to spend your life with.

Hofuckingho · 10/12/2018 19:19

Woman up and lay the law down. That's it.

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 11/12/2018 08:38

@notcoolmum, thanks for the link. Exactly explains the issue we’re having. The only drawback with this article is that it doesn’t offer any solution.

OP posts: