Husband doing job + wife doing higher paying job and all childcare and household chores

[Worriedmum97]

As topic states we have a husband who works full time, drops kids to school/nursery in the morning, spends 15 min in the evening on reloading dishwasher, tidying up toys. Wife who works full time, earns more, leaves work at 5pm to pick up kids, feed them, do homework, get kids to bed. We have a nanny for 12 hours a week who cooks dinner, does some cleaning and school run. Everything else is done by wife: family meals planning, grocery ordering, school activities, clothes, family holidays and much much more. Every time I complain to my husband about inequality he reminds me that he never works too much overtime and is always around and offers help. But with 2 small kids at home and no family around I’m just exhausted, all these doctor appointments, medications for kids, birthday parties, homework, school lunches, costumes, it’s all in my head. And have you forgotten that I have a full time job and 2+ hours of commute a day? What others do in a similar situation? medium.com/s/jessica-valenti/kids-dont-damage-women-s-careers-men-do-eb07cba689b8.

I feel for you op I'm in a very similar position although the money shouldn't come into it. I've asked, delegated, begged, pleaded and screamed and it's got me a big fat no where.

My oh will drop dd at the minders when he is told and has to be reminded over the several preceding days because looking at the calendar hanging on the wall or, god forbid, writing it down is too much hassle and I often get moaned at that he's supposed to be leaving for work early that morning at 9 the night before. It's tough shit for him I do shifts and can't go in late.

I now refuse to do his washing on principle after he made the most misogynistic comment about me being a woman and therefore automatically knowing how to do it. In fact just last week he asked if I'd got any socks he could have because he'd got no clean ones!

He should get to lie in on Saturdays and Sundays because he gets up in the week, I can have a lie in if the baby wakes up late apparently, the fact that I work full time as well doesn't matter.

If I ask him to do anything like empty the dishwasher (I don't see why I should ask at all) he won't put stuff away properly, putting dinner plates on top of side plates, shoving pans in the cupboard and shutting the door so they fall back out when you open it. He leave rubbish everywhere rather than the bin.

I could go on for days! I'm fed up of asking/telling and being either ignored or having a shit job done so it's easier to do it myself. I dread coming home at weekends if I've been at work because I know the devastation waiting for me when I get it. It will end our relationship but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own but in the next couple of years I'll be gone.

Buy in more help and get him to open his wallet and see if he’s willing to pay for what he won’t do. There are cleaners gardeners laundry services handy men. Lots on offer. Cut back on spending (food bills etc) and spend that money on the services yourself if he won’t pay. It’s passive aggressive but I’ve seen this work. Some people only notice / appreciate what needs doing when they they have to pay for it

No way I'd decrease my hours to enable him to shirk out of lifework. Or pay someone to enable him to shirk out of lifework. It will just become another task for you, you source the people, you pay them, you make sure the job is being done.

You can try the ol', 'So there are these jobs that need done. We need to sit down and divide them because I'm no longer mentally able to cope with all the load so we'll both need to muck in,' and see how it goes. But usually with people like this it's a bit of horse, stable, bolted because they inherently believe that being in employment gives you a Get Out of The Rest of Life Pass Enabled By Someone Else. Hence, 'I offered help' and drivel like 'De Menz Just Don't See Dirt/What Needs To Be Done'.

He's inherently selfish, hence the Christmas skiing.

You can try being less passive. 'I don't like skiing. I'm sick of going skiing every fucking Christmas. You go and take the kids (if they like it),' and then go and do something else for Christmas.

Or just stop doing shit for him.

Personally, I'd have no respect for this arsehole.

But I don’t understand why grocery shopping, kid admin etc means you haven’t had time to watch tv for 7 years?? There can’t be that much to do, surely? And you have a nanny 12 hours a week, and your h does school run.

Stop going skiing if you don’t like it. Say he picked last year so you pick this year.

Write a list of the chores and choose half each. Say to your h, you should have equal free time each day. See what he says.

And get a cleaner.