The filler in girlfriend

[Theglobe18]

I’ve just realised after some years that I have become the filler in girlfriend. I basically have a very close friendship with a man who it seems has just really contacted me when he is bored or needs something or advice . It hit home this weekend when he made no contact whatsoever as he was’ nbusy’ he contacts me several times a day. He has a new girlfriend so I’ve effectively been removed from the scene I guess . I want to take my power back here. There is no blame here. I was an active participant in this friendship and a fool to be so available all the time . Any advice on how best to go about this. We work together . I want to be subtle and not make an issue of it. Thanks

He’s a fair weather friend. The next time he wants something or suggests meeting up, only agree if it suits you and it is what you want to do more than anything else available.
If it isn’t, just say “no thanks, I’m busy”

Yes he is and I’m very sad about that. He confided in me about the major things in his life and in a weird way I feel like I’ve been dumped but as I said, I’ve been a willing participant . We work together in a small office so it’s very intense so I feel at sea about how to pull right back without being obvious. Unfortunately I have one of those faces that shows exactly how I feel. Right now, I’m angry with myself and feel foolish

It sounds like you’ve been in a FWB arrangement, rather than a relationship with him.
Just that it wasn’t discussed.

If I were you - i’d not mention it at all. And move on with my life. Start going on dates, and generally just not bother with him.
Be professional but that’s all.

No we’ve never had a physical relationship . Purely friendship but intense at times. I’ve never allowed my personal life stop me from taking calls, responding to texts etc from him but clearly, when he has other stuff on, he literally doesn’t think of me enough to contact me. It’s hurts but his feelings are clear. I was a filler in . Now I have to remove myself and it’s going to be very obvious .

If it's not been physical then you've not really been a girlfriend? Sounds like he just uses you for emotional support when there is nobody else available. I'd get out on the dating scene and be unavailable the next time he wants an emotional crutch. He sounds like a crap friend

OP - I am sorry, but some of this ‘relationship’ is in your head.
It doesn’t sound like he viewed you as anything else but a friend and a confidant.
And - possibly - because you work in a small office - he never wanted anything more than that.

You haven’t been ‘dumped’. But if he has started a relationahop - of course he has less time and need to confind in you. It’s the same as what happens when our best friend gets a bf.... And we find a new balance.
Trouble is you wanted more from this ‘relationahop’ than he did.

Still - if I were you - rather than showing my true feelings - i’d try to appear happy in myself. And move on. While still being friendly.

No I have not been his girlfriend but I suppose I feel now like I was his emotional crutch and a willing one at that ! Yes he used me to fill a void ie when he was bored . That is clear to me now and I am really hurt that I allowed that . The friendship was intense and full on with loads of daily contact , plenty of laughs and fun and chatting at work ... just somebody to entertain him I think.

Hello again. No there was no relationship in my head and I didn’t want more . What I wanted was mutual respect and not to be effectively sidelined the minute a new girl friend comes along . I have never allowed my own relationships to essentially dismiss any other friendships that I have had . The level of contact was even and mutual. However, since he has a new girlfriend, it’s become increasingly obvious that yes I was indeed a fair weather friend and not in a mutual
Friendship. I dont think i have been dumped in the sense of a romantic relationship, I feel like I’ve been dumped as a friend and am surplus to requirements and while i feel foolish, I also feel incredibly hurt .

I know what you mean. I had a friend like this. I realised he was never remotely interested in me or my life. I tested it by trying and failing to start conversations about me - then I just stopped responding to his messages. Why not just keep talking to him as you would a colleague, but stop responding out of work? And glaze over during conversations. You will soon realise how dull he is!

It’s really not on him. It’s how friendships work - people spend time together and laugh, and have fun.
Problem is - you had developed feelings. And wanted more.

It is probably hard to hear - but you need to move on and open yourself to others.
If this man wanted to progress your relationship - it would have progressed. So - he doesn’t see you this way. Sorry.

And it’s a terrible idea in a small office anyway. When things go wrong and there is no way to go/hide.

You sound like someone I know and this will not end well for you. I've been the new girlfriend in this situation. Your post has given me shivers you sound so much like her. Step away now before you lose yourself.

You have clearly got feelings and want more. He has done nothing wrong. He's never been physical with you so you've never been any kind of girlfriend stand in or otherwise. If this were a female friend you were this close with would you be reacting like this and using this kind of emotional terminology?

And how has he used you exactly? It's normal to spend more time with friends, confiding in them and less time when you're in a relationship. Especially at the start of the romantic relationship.

I honestly have no feelings other than friendship. I just feel like I’ve been sidelined having invested so much in the friendship. This also happened to me years ago with my female best friend and it hurt like hell also. Clearly I am the problem here!!! I am in a relationship myself if that gives perspective

Stop being silly. It's absolutely normal to concentrate on a new love at the beginning of a relationship and for your friendships to suffer a bit. Good friends understand this and are happy with it.

Of course when you're single you have more time to spend and talk with your friends. When you're in a relationship, especially at the beginning it's normal to want to spend as much time as possible talking or with your new love.

I think other posters are being a bit harsh here. This is something female friends do too and it's really not what a friend does i.e. use you to listen/amuse them/be their plus one until a better offer comes along.

OP I think you may be taking this a little too hard. Whenever people get a new partner, they neglect their friends a bit in the early exciting weeks. Of course it's annoying, but we've all done it to an extent.
I can see it's hurtful that it's gone from being very intense to almost nothing, but that doesn't mean you've been used. He's still your friend, he's just got other pulls on his time now. When the novelty wears off he'll be more available again.

I feel like I have been his emotional crutch for all of his issues . Listening, advising , helping out etc . When I speak of my own issues, his eyes glaze over and never refers to them again. He speaks of himself for the majority of the time but hindsight is 20/20. He is self absorbed but I can see why.. he has many serious issues in his life . I’m just sorry that I gave him all of this time and energy at the expense of my own . It came to a head recently where I had a complex family problem, he responded with plenty of concern but never once asked or referred to it since . That’s not my idea of close friendship, certainly not the types of friendships I have with other close friends . I give a lot in friendship and expect it to be mutual. It wasn’t. I can see that now. I think you are right for
Me to move on, smile through it and pull back . It’s hard in an office situation though and we also socialise together regularly . I hate the awkwardness of it .

For context, he doesn’t spend very much time with his new love at all.. but he has somebody to fill in his texting gaps now I guess. Of course I know that when we start new relationships, friendships take a back seat, but to go from one extreme to nothing . It certainly feels like I’ve been used . Not one of my other friends ever did this to eachother . We celebrated our new relationships, spent less time with eachother obviously but kept it contact with eachother
This friend has all but ghosted me socially bar having to work beside him . At work then, he is completely friendly and expects me to be absolutely fine with this sudden stop in contact, socially and otherwise . He still
Expects me to listen to all his issues and help him with his personal
Life etc but only when he has nothing else to do

I'm sorry but yeah I do agree you're the one with a problem (please don't think of yourself as an actual problem).

I'm going to accept you don't think you have romantic feelings, I won't call you a liar but I will tell you your attitude towards this friendship is quite possessive. Like he owes you something and your further posts still sound word for word like things the woman in my situation says. She also insists she has no feelings beyond friendship but honestly, that's not how you're making yourself look.

My best friend of 22 years and I confide in each other. We've lay on the floor of an empty house crying together. We've laughed together. We've fought things together. We still tell each other to get gone when we want alone time for whatever reason because we are adults who understand that our individual needs do not negate the last 22 years.

You really do need to step away because honestly the intensity of these feelings isn't normal and this guy and his new girlfriend don't deserve the shit this causes.

The woman in my situation has no previous record yet over the last year has stalked me, followed me, assaulted me, reported me for fraud, child abuse (all untrue obviously) and made fake profiles up to fake screenshotted conversations. She has every single picture ever posted on the internet of me saved in her phone. She has taken videos and photos of me unknowingly and this ALL started with her the same way. How she felt unwanted and used etc and how much she's done for him when really she's not done that much and they're no where near as close as she makes out. She literally assaulted me because she involved herself in our argument and then expected him to thank her.

He didn't and she's got a criminal record for it and was humiliated because she completely failed as I restrained her quite calmly. I even told her while I was restraining her what he would do lol.i wasn't being horrible then I was being truthful and I was right.

Honestly, step away. Keep away. Move jobs if necessary. No more contact it's not fair to keep doing this to yourself and it is only you doing. You're the one who keepsinvesting and getting nothing back but keeps investing anyway. Just stop doing it.

Why does he need to bring up past issues if he gave support at the time? Mine helped me get over anorexia and we don't bring it up at all. Im confused by that.

Good grief!!!! That sounds insane!! You poor thing .I may not have made myself very
Clear but to explain a bit better.. I feel hurt and angry with myself because I have been effectively dumped by my friend who i thought was a close friend. It transpires that we are not that close . I would appreciate advice on how best to deal with him at work and after work.. socially and messaging . In the past, he has bombarded me with messages when I pulled away when I felt drained from him and his issues . From all the responses, it’s clear that we all have different expectations of friendships . I expected too much and I’ve got burnt ... how to deal with it is my issue here. Thanks

Heavens, I had a family issue. I told him about it . A sibling got cancer . I was distraught . He listened for five minutes , said all the right things , continued to talk about himself and never again referred to it which I found strange and uncaring .

Why call yourself a girlfriend then if you are in a relationship already? I think you are in denial about your feelings for him.

Sorry... by calling myself his filler in girlfriend , I meant it as a term . Not in the literal sense of a girlfriend . The one who fills in until he has a girlfriend

Regardless of whether OP has feelings or not for this man, I can see that you feel hurt by his actions. However, I think you feel more foolish for looking back at the "friendship" and realising it was one sided. He was never truly your friend, it sounds like you have done everything for him and he has barely cared for things your end. So in reality, you aren't losing a friendship, more mourning one that was never fully there to begin with. Him getting a new girlfriend is just highlighting the fact that it was never a proper friendship to begin with.
Maybe he's respecting his new girlfriend and therefore not bombarding you with messages any more. For some, they wouldn't like their boyfriend constantly messaging another woman about their problems.
Yes it hurts but you're a grown woman and you're going to have to move on from it. Be nice to him at work, be friendly and happy. Out of work, give short answers. Like others have said, move on with your life. If you are that sad over a one-sided friendship then what jumps out at me is that you need more friends in your life. Maybe join some social thing or reach out to old friends and start investing more time in people who are worth investing it in.
There are a lot of users in the world, both male and female, who will take what they can get from us and drop us when they don't need us any more. It hurts, but you just need to pick yourself up, be an adult about it and move on. You've learnt a big lesson, that friendship is a two way street. So if he becomes single again, or starts constantly trying to get you to help him with someone, just explain that you have things going on right now and can't but wish him the best.