The filler in girlfriend

[Theglobe18]

I’ve just realised after some years that I have become the filler in girlfriend. I basically have a very close friendship with a man who it seems has just really contacted me when he is bored or needs something or advice . It hit home this weekend when he made no contact whatsoever as he was’ nbusy’ he contacts me several times a day. He has a new girlfriend so I’ve effectively been removed from the scene I guess . I want to take my power back here. There is no blame here. I was an active participant in this friendship and a fool to be so available all the time . Any advice on how best to go about this. We work together . I want to be subtle and not make an issue of it. Thanks

Yes this is it entirely ! I listen to his problems, advise etc. He ignores advice , things go shit for him due to unresolved problems and the cycle begins again . In the interim, while he ploughs on doing whatever he is doing, he cuts contact to virtually nothing ( unless he is bored and lonely) and the contact starts all over again when things turn to shit for him and said problems begin to affect his relationships or whatever he is doing... This has happened three times over the last few years and for the last time over the last few weeks . I don’t know if I was a fool now or just manipulated but I’ve certainly lost respect for him especially as his unresolved issues cause no end of problems in his life and he uses them to treat people like shit , basically . So yes, like you, I enabled his nonsense and this is why i am so mad with myself... wasting my precious time . Funnily enough, I get a text from him the other day wondering if I was ok... I replied yesterday saying yes. Unlike me . Then I get the ...” if you ever want to chat etc...” which basically means ..’ is this about me?..’ so I ignored . I’ve really seen his true colours now and I really don’t like them and mn is great to hel you clarify your thoughts so thanks

What’s horrid is the whole “double meaning” - like pps say it makes you quite cynical about people and relationships?

I mean you know if you reply it will be just a “way of getting you back to being his support staff”. Look up “hoovering” in relationships.

My selfish user colleague would be keen on talking to me like “howareyouokyourefineigotthatoverwith NOW LETS TALK ABOUT MY NEEDS”

It’s like he’d “hover” around me physically seeing if he could steer the conversation into anything that would benefit him, and
if I raised anything that concerned me he’d come out with a polite (but ultimately dismissive) statement then completely ignore me or try to change the subject?

Op has he ever done anything to make you feel valued?

Yes he has made me feel valued in the past but the pendulum has swung completely on his direction and as he is self absorbed anyway, he had me exactly where he wanted me by showering me with compliments and platitudes eg... how strong/ confident/ self sufficient/ together I was/ wish he could meet a woman like me etc etc ... all of course to give me a sense of empowerment to support him and his poor me nonsense which really was of his own making . What kills me is watching all of this unravel and almost waiting for the shitstorm to happen . It really , lately, is all about him and his needs and his decision whether or not he would contact or make an effort to chat about random , fun stuff . This is all my own fault though. I know that . I enabled it .

But you’ve acknowledged it now. And once you’ve realised it you can’t unrealise it!
It’s not a nice feeling being used. But to them it becomes their norm. That is your role to support them unconditionally
Unless he completely acknowledges his behaviour, it’s hard to get over.

And you deserve more than being his unpaid on call life coach and counsellor.

Glad to see you’re stepping back op, sounds like he’s a fair weather friend who only valued you when he needs a boost it is bored

In my experience, very intense friendships like these rarely last a long time. The intensity burns itself out. It sounds like this one has reached the end of its lifespan. It doesn't mean that either you or he have approached things wrongly, it is just in the nature of this type of friendship.

Intense friendships like this can be great fun, but I find it always good to have it in the back of my mind that the shelf-life is most likely going to be short. It saves a lot of hurt when they end.

I had a friend like this myself. She only ever contacted me when she was ‘between boyfriends’ so to speak. As soon as she split up with a boyfriend she would come running to me wanting to be best friends again. I let her do it twice but the third time I just blanked her.

They’re called fairweather friends. Ditch him.