The filler in girlfriend

[Theglobe18]

I’ve just realised after some years that I have become the filler in girlfriend. I basically have a very close friendship with a man who it seems has just really contacted me when he is bored or needs something or advice . It hit home this weekend when he made no contact whatsoever as he was’ nbusy’ he contacts me several times a day. He has a new girlfriend so I’ve effectively been removed from the scene I guess . I want to take my power back here. There is no blame here. I was an active participant in this friendship and a fool to be so available all the time . Any advice on how best to go about this. We work together . I want to be subtle and not make an issue of it. Thanks

That's a different issue altogether op. He sounds like a shit friend and your friendship is a one way street.

Thank you for those kind replies. Yes I feel like a fool and am really mad with myself . I am hurting and was so happy to think I found such a good friendship later in life, only to find It was a one way street. As I said, hindsight is 20/20 . When I pulled back before because I found him so emotionally exhausting , he bombarded me with messages . I’m
Beginning to think he likes to have me around in case he needs something . Well that is over now. Happy and chatty but only in work I suppose is the way forward . It will be weird and awkward but he will
Soon get the message and then the overtexting etc will start .

It doesn't need to be awkward for you and you don't need to concern yourself about him.

Just be polite and as friendly as you are with other colleagues. If he bombards you with messages/ texts simply ignore. Perhaps turn off notifications? And busy yourself with other stuff/ people to distract yourself.

Op, I understand how you feel. You were a good and supportive friend and he enjoyed the time, attention and advice you gave him. And although it was your choice, there should be an unsaid assumption that the it would be reciprocated. There were plenty of signs along the way by the fact he didn’t return that support. You got into a pattern of just being there for him and he loved it.
But the new girlfriend and him changing has made you feel used, particularly because he didn’t reciprocate the care and support you showed him.
It’s a harsh lesson. But put some distance between you and be polite but not over friendly.

When someone starts a new relationship, it's natural to reduce how much you see you friends.

Because you have someone else to divide your time between.

My best friends husband used to work late shifts. So we spent most evenings together, now he doesn't work the same shift I don't expect her to to never have an evening with her husband.

The same as when I started dating someone she knew I would be going out with them ocxassionally. Life changes. Dynamics change.

Don't really get the issue here. He is seeing someone new so spending time with her. He obviously isn't going to spend that time texting you.

You do seem over invested in the friendship, which is why people think you have feelings for him

Turn off notifications as a pp suggested. It'll be harder to get sucked in then.

Remain friendly and professional at work but avoid lengthy conversations about emotional or personal matters. Stick to Strictly and Brexit and keep it brief. Be a bit less available.

Hey Oldbook 😊

I get the situation - I think there are some types who whether consciously or unconsciously are quite good at encouraging a sense of level of personal intimacy, as if you’re really close (and even acting all butthurt if you’re not responding or pull away etc) Sort of like relationship love-bombing

then when you follow their lead they just drop you suddenly and imply you’re some crazy stalker? It can be thoughtlessness or it can be passive aggressiveness or social power games

I’d actually look to change numbers and go completely grey rock on him. I suspect if he breaks up you’ll be the first person he goes after and tries to lure in

Thank you for your advice . He is a genuinely nice person who I now believes gets lonely and needs and enjoys a lot of communication. He is open and honest and has a few serious issues that I’ve advised him through. He has taken none of my advice but ploughed on and is in the middle of a tangled situation which essentially buried his problems for the moment. These issues will rear their heads again but I understand why he doesn’t want to deal with them. This is his choice and I respect that but I just don’t want to be this confidante anymore, listening to all of this and them he ploughs on, does his own thing any way only for the cycle to start again . And who has been there up to now?? Silly me ! I don’t think he is intentionally mean or nasty.. I think he likes the attention and the ego stroking and the attention. However I do t feel that it’s reciprocated and I do t feel valued . The funny thing is that while he is in a new relationship, it’s only very new and he seems blasé about it... but , she is a new ego boost and attention giver and she thinks he is God’s gift . I am his friend , not her competition . I’ve already stepped away and he has already started following me around the office/ canteen/ increased texting etc. Human nature never ceases to amaze . I suppose he is missing the attention and the attention. I’ve really appreciated the counsel and I’m going to take what you e said on board . I turned off notifications and haven’t responded to him . Chat in the office is friendly and professional but he definitely knows something is up. I can’t thank you enough for helping me see through the situation. I was tremendously hurt for the last few Days and am sad but I know I’m doing the right thing . I will miss the chatter and the fun but I won’t miss feeling emotionally drained and the feeling of being picked up and dropped when he has nothing better to do with his free time . I am grateful to you

OP - are you sure you are honest with yourself? About what he means to you?
The amount of angst this is causing you is surprising.
Either you are needy - and your desire to be needed/appreciated/be close to someone is very OTT, or you haven’t admitted to yourself that he is more important to you than you realise.

He isn’t using you. By your description - he is just behaving like someone who sees you as a friend.
Your reaction to is, however, not that of a friend.

Jsku yes I am Absolutely honest with myself and have come to realise throughout this thread that we all experience friendships differently and at different t levels of intensity . My group of friends while varied is tight and intense in that we speak to eachother daily and drop everything for eachother when things get tough. Our other friendships have not diluted since we met our husbands: wives and partners . That’s why it hurt me as it did . I read regularly on here about people who’ dont have time’ for their weekly coffees/ phone chats/ daily messages/ calls etc after they meet their so’s and have children. We simply have never done that. In fact we went above and beyond the norm to make sure we stayed close to eachother . After all, we have known eachother for years and years before we ever met our partners and knew that as a group , we didn’t want to lose that just because we met people/ had children/ moved cities etc . I do understand though that some people don’t want that or understand that. My own sister practically lost all her friends when she met her now husband as she just checked out of friendships . She was content with him and he is her life now.

It does seem very intense. May work for some of your friends, but not for everyone I suspect.

I don't expect he is agonising about all this, albeit he may be miffed. You should try and put in out your head and distract yourself with other stuff.

You are not a fool at all and lots of us have been here. In my case, not particularly with men, but with other female friends or co-workers.

Friendship is reciprocal and there is give and take. It sounds like you have found out that you weren't in a true friendship, as it was you giving quite a lot and him taking and nothing there in return for you. That is not a friendship, that is you providing a free support and counselling service!

You say he is a really nice person. How has he demonstrated that to you?

OP, I don’t understand why you are getting such a grilling by quite a few posters. If it were a post about a female friend doing exactly the same, the responses would be purely about the one-sidedness of the friendship and you being used etc and about managing your expectations of this friendship. Just because this happens to be a male friend people add up two and two together and get 9. Sadly, friends do not always input the same level of support, care and attention, as each other. Sometimes, we slip into certain roles where one takes a lot more and commands a lot more attention and input of the other. So, when you begin to realise, it is a bit hurtful and you may feel miffed and used. You seldom can change the attitude of the other person but you can certainly adjust your own behaviour and pull away. It is very telling that only then do some people make more of an effort when they feel their support network and the usually unwavering loyalty slipping. But in your case, as soon as normal ‘business’ resumed, this guy went back to being self-centred and draining you emotionally. It can take a while to spot such a pattern. I’ve weeded out a lot of these kind of people from my life because with DH, kids, a growing business, dogs etc, I am just too busy to let someone drain me like that anymore.

I’m not sure either . I can only imagine that it is because he is a man and I am a woman ? I read recently that we can only see people through our own experiences so I’m guessing that that is why there’s an air of doubt about my honest feelings .or maybe people don’t have that level of intensity I. Their friendships at my age of lif. I’m not sure but appreciate the responses from everyone but especially the people who get what I tried to convey . I found them very helpful and have taken The overwhelming advice to keep things polite, professional and happy . Already however,he has cottoned on to this detachment and is bombarding me with texts and contact. I’ve ignored it for the moment which is unlike what I would normally do so thanks . I feel a weight lifted

"It is very telling that only then do some people make more of an effort when they feel their support network and the usually unwavering loyalty slipping. But in your case, as soon as normal ‘business’ resumed, this guy went back to being self-centred and draining you emotionally. It can take a while to spot such a pattern."

this exactly. I think of people I knew who used to fill up my text inbox with stream of consciousness neediness because they knew I'd automatically respond in a "supportive" manner without contributing anything back.

Or treating me like a bit of a C-List friend - good enough to rant about shit to, but if I wanted to do "normal mainstream social stuff" with them no way.

And the weird thing is that when I detached, they were like jealous lovers trying to get back with me (probably finding out that as everyone got older no-one could tolerate them haha). But it wasn't "me" they missed - it was the fact that they could use me.

Society has natural users who think others are props or resource provides for them- I think like Temple says its a good life stage when you can recognise that behaviour and detach from those people. It doesn't reflect on you as a person badly - just change the way you interact with them.

Ps I mean don't do this of course, but imagine a thought experiment in which YOU have a big problem and you need him to make time for you (not just a smiley face text message texts are free these days)

Or fuck it, just some situation which requires him to take a little bit of genuine physical time and effort and energy which isn't just sending words on Whatsapp. Say there's a bit of tension at work and you need him to cover for you/have your back.

Does your "nice friend" help?

I'm kind of imagining him as some charming, externally polite type (or you wouldn't think of him as "nice") but often these people are the worst for being users.

I had an ex colleague who was very "posh", smiley, easy going, bit of a hipster vibe, we had a lot in common socially and everyone thought we were "besties".

The reality was he was very self-interested - I had a bullying situation and had to complain solo (which he didn't back me up in) and management moved my department

and he then complained behind my back I had been moved to an "easier job"? I mean he was "nice" externally but certainly didn't have my best interests at heart.

I could t have written your post better. That is exactly what has been happening and now the constant texting and following has started and continues to intensify but I’m angry so it’s a good start for me not to reply or even acknowledge . I’m so pissed off with him and with me for giving him my precious time

I believe you, OP. I find being in the position you're in now a lot more painful than many people seem to, however good I've got at not being fooled twice by the same person. It still makes me very angry, and kind of scares me sometimes, too.

I suppose it drags up baggage from my past where I wasn't seen as a real human being with needs and feelings of my own, but still expected to manage other people's for them. And I'm aware that those experiences could predispose me to attract users. I do work to try to counteract that, but many are good at hiding their nature until you're drawn in, and you have to have your guard at least somewhat down, or you'll never form new relationships.

But even without baggage, it's reasonable to be strongly affected by it, because it involves such disrespect on the other person's part.

I like the comment @Doddlemoose makes about what's going on with that kind of person, and the suggestion of going grey rock. That's what I do.

Happens to most people at some point.We are all self-centred to a degree but some people are more so -he's probably so self absorbed he doesn't even realise he is being disrespectful.
I have a business partner who is like this -people think he is lovely but they are slowly beginning to twig how money orientated and selfish he really is.
Your not alone

OP, I get it, too. Had a similar situation with a male colleague, and no, I didn’t want a romantic relationship with him, either. In my case, he was going through some mental health difficulties and I felt that being a Good Friend and a Good Person meant I should drop everything to help him whenever he needed it. But things became more and more one-sided, and I realised that I was actually enabling his flaky behaviour.

It felt like a big decision at the time, but I just stepped back and stopped responding to the texts and calls. No big showdown. We aren’t friends any more, which is a bit sad, but I still strongly feel I did the right thing.