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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hubby belittling constantly

58 replies

Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:25

hi there, I need to admit first and foremost that I AM feeling sorry for myself and have been crying for the last 1 hour so please please do forgive if i'm just being stupid and boring.
I need to ask you something: I am a doctor and my husband is a consultant in the NHS. i left NHS some years back in order to join industry. I did so as I was a bit disillusioned with health-care and also i wanted a change. I have 2 adolescent children and they are brilliant. At the moment i'm ok successful and trying my best to progress. I am earning 120k a year, do 99% housework, when I go away on work trip I cook for all the days and keep separate containers of my hubby's lunch in the fridge. But very regularly and whenever he gets a chance hubby really belittles me and derogates me in front of my children and whenever possible in front of my in-laws saying I am a failed professional and useless and that my job is worth nothing. When my mother-in-law got diagnosed with cancer it was me who took her to doctors, tests etc. I have always looked after my in-laws. It really really hurts. He anyway takes me for granted and shouts whenever something doesn't work out at home, if there are no clean clothes etc. He refuses to any housework himself saying he didn't grow up to be a doctor to be doing effing housework. at the moment I am NOT getting anything but abuse from him and crying myself to sleep every night. I have thought of leaving but that's difficult as my children don't want it and pleads with me to stay on. I can't just carry on like this any more. I have NO friends.....he calls me a "miserable git"...and refuses to socialise so I have had to lie when friends invite and call and excuse myself from attending. so I have none left. my only hope is online friends maybe. WHAT CAN I DO ?? please please help....I am stuck and the unfairness and cruelty is driving me insane. I do not want to give up and do what's right for my children: maybe carry on like this till they are more grown and in university. I want to be strong and be successful and be a good human being and do my duties. BUT WHAT CAN I DO TO DEAL WITH HIS UNFAIRNESS ??? PLEASE HELP ...IT'S URGENT

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:27

AND ALSO, do you know of any online friends group ?? where I can make friends and talk/chat but don't have to socialise ?? as he won't allow it

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:31

he also throws things and the other day after a really small row ( not a big one) started throwing things and breaking glass ornaments. I never ever imagine that I will be in a domestic situation where arguments end in violence and I am, to be honest, a little scared now to talk back to him or disagree with him in case he starts throwing things again. he did that quite a few times in the past....and threw water and food at me at dinner table in front of my in-laws because he was displeased about something .

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 17:33

OP you sound like a clever successful intelligent kind generous person, why do you believe it when DH when calls you these things, you know none of it is true.

You should start to accept the invitations to go out with Friends, in fact I hope you go out without him, he sounds utterly vile and a horrid bully who thinks himself God in your home.

Are you unable to stand up to him OP? do you feel unable to do this ? do you feel threatened ? what do your Adult children think of his treatment of their Mother by their Father ?

Someone with better experience will be along soon OP Flowers

happyclutterchucker · 09/12/2018 17:33

You could start by re-establishing contact with your friends? Just because your dh doesn't want to socialise it doesn't mean that you have to stay at home too.
Your kids will soon be adults, and it is doing them no favours at all seeing their father verbally abusing their mother. Do you want them to think that is what a normal relationship is like? Do you want them to treat their own future partners the same way, or allow themselves to accept abuse because they think it's normal?
Perhaps it is time you started to make proper plans to leave. You could begin by gathering as much financial information as possible, and keep it in a safe place away from the house.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2018 17:33

You are obviously an intelligent woman. Surely you can see he is abusive and controlling and that you need to leave him?

Thesuzle · 09/12/2018 17:33

The usual
LEAVE HIM

Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:34

but still I can't leave him as I fear that will have such a negative impact on my children ...they are very very good, and doing so well at school ... I will never forgive myself if I leave and that affects them.
he is, to be fair to him, a very good dad to them. it's me he has a problem with maybe because I am a "miserable git" .....but I don't think I am....I always try to be good and do things for others and be fair. what should I do ??

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 09/12/2018 17:34

Well...you know what you have to do. You have to leave. Financially you have the means.

Nothing will make him change as this is who he is.

But if you don't want to leave him, then you have to put up and shut up, and stay miserable.

pennycarbonara · 09/12/2018 17:35

You didn't grow up to be a doctor to be talked to like this and run around after him doing all his housework! (Not that anybody should be regardless of their occupation, but you get the point.)

You should not be putting up with this, and unlike some women who are financially very dependent, you earn plenty of money so it's easier for you on a practical level to get out. Even if you are in London you should be able to rent somewhere to live with your kids and pay a cleaner. (Although he should really be getting out of the family home because he is at fault here with this controlling behaviour.) School fees, if those are in the picture, are something lawyers can help you get him to pay a good portion of.

What you need first to deal with this situation is a good solicitor.

FishesThatFly · 09/12/2018 17:35

This reply has been deleted

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BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 17:36

He MAKES you miserable OP, who wouldn't be miserable living under this duress Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 17:37

Hairy ??

am I missing something Hmm

pennycarbonara · 09/12/2018 17:37

Living with his abusive behaviour, both directly, and as an example of what is acceptable in relationships, is going to be worse for your children than having separated and divorced parents. By leaving you will at least demonstrate that the behaviour is unacceptable.

FishesThatFly · 09/12/2018 17:37

This reply has been deleted

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pennycarbonara · 09/12/2018 17:39

Hairy = they think it's a troll. Not sure why, as there are lots of posters with problems like these and high earners are not exempt from domestic abuse, nor would they always have perfect grammar, especially if they are stressed and typing on a phone.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 17:40

oh okay

thank you

FishesThatFly · 09/12/2018 17:42

Because l can't believe that a highly educated, high paid professional would beg for help.... and not have the common sense or an inkling on what she needs to do

Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:42

do you know of any personal counselling that I can avail ? I will leave him after my children are in university but for the next 6 years I need to carry on.....so I need to be stronger and not let this affect e and find ways to deal with this with my inner self . is there any psychologist who can assess and say if I am a miserable git ? do I deserve this ? how do I go on and carry on?

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 09/12/2018 17:48

I'm sure that you must know of the correct personnel to contact, being a qualified doctor...

Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:48

FishesThatFly, please this is not made up. I am just feeling extra bad today. otherwise I would not have posted and begged for my personal problems. I know I need to suck it up... but after a long time today I was supposed to go to an invitation but at the last moment he threw a tantrum and prevented me going out. I was all dressed up in a blue dress as it was Christmas party and the colour theme was blue. I lied to me friend who invited me and am now doing this on mumsnet. this would have been the first social event in a long long time that I was going to. now my friend is pissed with me and won't invite me ever again....if you think it's made up you are wrong ...i'm just feeling extra helpless this afternoon. otherwise I always suck it up and will again do so from tomorrow....needed to lay my heart bare today...that's why

OP posts:
M4J4 · 09/12/2018 17:48

@FishesThatFly

Fuck off with the troll hunting. Just because you can't imagine something can happen doesn't mean it can't. Seriously pisses me off.

Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:50

FishesThatFly you seem to be a distrustful person....please don't belittle other people...maybe you don't have problems but don't assume others don't as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:55

I have looked on the web many times ...and also rang the Samaritans a few times ....but can't find anything trustworthy on the web...and Samaritans have helped me get over temporarily and go to sleep but they are very very nice but not qualified. All I am asking is do you know of any qualified counsellor who could help ? I need to be at my best at work...and this is affecting me ...i can't afford to do badly at my work now ...i need some help from someone qualified

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:57

or maybe a forum/chatroom where i can talk with women in similar situation?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 17:58

You need to leave him ASAP, not in 6 years time. This will simply give him another six years in which to abuse you and in turn your children who are seeing this at first hand too.

Your children will be and are being emotionally harmed here because they know that things are bad at home and that their dad is abusing you as their mother.

You also owe it to your children to teach them good and positive lessons on relationships, not this abusive model of one.

Please call Women’s aid and start planning your exit from this relationship. They can and will help you here.

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