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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hubby belittling constantly

58 replies

Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 17:25

hi there, I need to admit first and foremost that I AM feeling sorry for myself and have been crying for the last 1 hour so please please do forgive if i'm just being stupid and boring.
I need to ask you something: I am a doctor and my husband is a consultant in the NHS. i left NHS some years back in order to join industry. I did so as I was a bit disillusioned with health-care and also i wanted a change. I have 2 adolescent children and they are brilliant. At the moment i'm ok successful and trying my best to progress. I am earning 120k a year, do 99% housework, when I go away on work trip I cook for all the days and keep separate containers of my hubby's lunch in the fridge. But very regularly and whenever he gets a chance hubby really belittles me and derogates me in front of my children and whenever possible in front of my in-laws saying I am a failed professional and useless and that my job is worth nothing. When my mother-in-law got diagnosed with cancer it was me who took her to doctors, tests etc. I have always looked after my in-laws. It really really hurts. He anyway takes me for granted and shouts whenever something doesn't work out at home, if there are no clean clothes etc. He refuses to any housework himself saying he didn't grow up to be a doctor to be doing effing housework. at the moment I am NOT getting anything but abuse from him and crying myself to sleep every night. I have thought of leaving but that's difficult as my children don't want it and pleads with me to stay on. I can't just carry on like this any more. I have NO friends.....he calls me a "miserable git"...and refuses to socialise so I have had to lie when friends invite and call and excuse myself from attending. so I have none left. my only hope is online friends maybe. WHAT CAN I DO ?? please please help....I am stuck and the unfairness and cruelty is driving me insane. I do not want to give up and do what's right for my children: maybe carry on like this till they are more grown and in university. I want to be strong and be successful and be a good human being and do my duties. BUT WHAT CAN I DO TO DEAL WITH HIS UNFAIRNESS ??? PLEASE HELP ...IT'S URGENT

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 09/12/2018 17:59

BACP qualified counsellors have a directory.

Your H is abusive. It’s not in your DCs’ best interests for you to stay with him for 6 more years. They will already have been negatively affected by how he treats you and will have increased risk of being in future abusive relationships, or behaving abusively themselves.

In the short term stop doing ANY thing for your H: food, laundry etc. Why would you leave home prepped meals for someone who treats you this way? Shore up your self care and respect.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 17:59

Do not even think about doing joint counselling with your abuser. It is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?

RadioGagga · 09/12/2018 18:06

You need to leave him now not in 6 years! You're children will survive. You have to listen to your gut and love yourself. You deserve to be happy. You don't have to stay with him.

Zofloramummy · 09/12/2018 18:07

Are you seriously going to stay for another 6 years? What will be left of you by then? You’ll be a hollowed out shell of a woman and you probably won’t leave then.

Your DH may be a good dad but that doesn’t mean you need to stay married to him because he is a horrible husband!

Ask your work if they have counselling services. But you really need to get out.

RadioGagga · 09/12/2018 18:10

You need to get angry. How dare he say those things to you!

Chocolatebourbons · 09/12/2018 18:11

You have the financial independence to leave. Do it.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 09/12/2018 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 18:12

And I repeat he is not a good dad because he treats you, the mother of his children abusively.

Kids need stability and they do like the idea of mum and dad but they are not the arbiters of your relationship here. You cannot stay because they want you to do so. You and your husband should no longer be together.

HereIgoagainxx · 09/12/2018 18:16

Stay? Why? You should go to counselling. You are an intelligent woman. What message do you think your children are taking from all this?

Sosounhappy · 09/12/2018 18:20

Would the children leave with you or do they want to stay with him

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2018 18:21

But your kids must see this op? They are just scared that's all. You're the adult here. You can't bring them up in this environment. Take control and get you and your kids the fuck out of there.

ElizabethMainwaring · 09/12/2018 18:23

Why are you asking here if anyone "knows any qualified councillors"? Very odd.

M4J4 · 09/12/2018 18:29

I'm fairly sure that Doctors need to be literate.

Very nasty. It's possible English is Op's second language. She is perfectly understandable.

Haffiana · 09/12/2018 18:29

By staying with him you are condoning your children being witness to abuse. This is not the best for them, why do you imagine it is?

They are living in abusive household learning that spousal abuse is normal. Just as your husband learned that it is OK from his parents, because he clearly has no problem behaving abusively in front of them. It is simply normal for him, wouldn't you agree? That is exactly what you are teaching your children - that abuse is normal and acceptable. It is your children who will badly need therapy. You just need to grow a pair and start to protect them. And stop asking your children to make decisions about your marriage. You are the adult - they live in a fucked up family and know no better.

If you need good advice and help then contact Womens Aid. Not the Samaritans.

Silkie2 · 09/12/2018 18:36

How can you think this unkind and belittling relationship is a good thing and how can you think it is not damaging your DCs? They see you as a sad, incapable DM and an angry nasty DF. It can't be good.
Gather all the financial info. Speak to a solicitor, contact an estate agent to find a temporary rented house ( unless solicitor advises otherwise) and have a gentle conversation with DCs explaining that DH is unhappy and that you need to separate but their lives will just be split over two homes like some of their friends. And they will be fine.
And you will return to the lively happy and confident person you were before DH ground you down. A fun mum.

femfemlicious · 09/12/2018 18:54

Please leave this man immediately...today if possible!. You are doing your children and yourself disservice by staying. What do you think you are teaching them. How would you like your daughter to end up with a husband like this. If your son treats his wife like this.

You are teaching them this is an acceptable way to live

ferando81 · 09/12/2018 18:56

Your husbands behaviour is appalling.Has he always being like this?His job is very stressful and maybe deep down he resents the fact that you had the courage to change careers and he didn't.He sounds unhappy as well and if your both unhappy you have two options -change your relationship or end your relationship.
If in years to come you tell your kids that you only stayed with their dad because of them ,they may feel very guilty.Conversely if they partner up early and don't have much contact with you (through career choices,partner manipulation or geographical reasons)you might end up feeling resentful-thinking how much you gave up.
I hope you find the right answer

Bacardibabe · 09/12/2018 19:06

Why not talk to the friend (if you trust her)whos party you couldn't go to about the situation? Sounds like you need a friend in rl. You shouldnt be covering for him. Like other posters yr dcs will survive. Look at how many have survived divorce and yes its not a good thing that they see this as normal behavior. His controlling behaviour is affecting yr judgement. You know it's not right. Take some action if only to talk to someone.

Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 19:10

dear really kind mums of mumsnet, thank you for all your advice. I don't know what I am going to do still but just writing it down in black and white helped me assess my situation more objectively. I have never done anything like this before and washed dirty linen in public. Just writing really did help.
AND for those women who has instead pointed at grammar etc, let me assure you English is my first language but even if it wasn't, it's not most probably the most important thing in the world. I was upset and beside myself with grief and despair. Using perfect idioms was the last thing on my mind.
But I have actually received many good advice and some people have actually listened rather than judge on grammar !! I am trying to close this string now ( not sure how to do so, as I am not used to mums net and just turned to it today). I am , of course, now picking myself up to get dinner for my children. Hope you all have a good week ahead. THANK YOU

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavinia13 · 09/12/2018 19:14

dear mumsnet admin, please can you close this conversation now? I don't know how to do it. and it has been really helpful, just writing it down and reading it over myself. I can now see how women benefit enormously with some forum like mumsnet and the comments and advice you get from other women. THANK YOU for being there when there was no one else to talk to.

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 09/12/2018 19:15

Honestly the situation will not be doing your kids any favours whatsoever.

You either need to leave or tell him the situation is not acceptable and that you need couples counselling if he wants the marriage to continue.

On a practical level get a cleaner and someone to do the ironing so the burden does not just fall to you. Give the kids chores too.

Hope all is ok. You can pm me if you need to.

Kittykat93 · 09/12/2018 19:26

Op why are you asking if anyone knows any qualified counsellors? Surely as a doctor you're aware of how to find a counsellor??

Anyway, I think you should leave sooner rather than later. For your children's sake.

Musti · 09/12/2018 19:36

Please please leave. Not just for your sake but for your children. He is abusive. You are clever and have amazingly managed to bring up your children, do the housework, look after your in laws and earn £120k !!! That's a lot more than that piece of shit abuser has done. Please leave and don't listen to him.

YesSheCan · 09/12/2018 20:37

Kittykat93 OP qualified as a doctor but now works in industry, not medicine. Even if she was still working as a doctor, unless she was a GP (which I am), I doubt she would be particularly familiar with the counselling services. These vary from area to area and I find it hard enough to keep up with how to access counselling via the NHS as the providers change rather frequently due to loss of funding or contracts going out to tender every year or two. Doctors don't tend to talk openly with each other about feeling that they need counselling. Furthermore, maybe OP actually is aware of the counselling services she can access via the NHS but does not want to see counsellors who may recognise her as an ex-colleague and would rather have a recommendation of a private or out of area therapist.

OP, I had cognitive analytic therapy privately to help deal with a difficult, bordering on abusive domestic situation (although not marital). You can do an online search for CAT therapists (ACAT accredited). The therapy would be for yourself in the long term. I'm not suggesting it will help you put up with your husband. You should not have to put up with his treatment. Like PPs I don't think couple's therapy is appropriate as your husband is abusive.

femfemlicious · 09/12/2018 21:12

You sound like an amazing woman. Don't let this man continue to grind you down. No one deserves to be ground down. You will have a great life if you leave him. Good luck.