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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to relate to DIL after her loss

73 replies

SueDokue · 09/12/2018 17:15

DS and his DP (DIL) had a contraceptive failure and found themselves expecting a baby.

At the 20 week scan they discovered a heart abnormality unsustainable with life and DIL subsequently lost the poor mite.

I asked DS should I call and or send flowers but he said not to. DIL was far too upset. I sent a text as soon as I heard but DIL didn’t reply. It was too soon after.

A week later I sent another text along with a message forwarded from a young family member wishing a happy Christmas. No reply. Not even an emoji.

I’m at a bit of a loss what to do? I don’t want to harass the poor woman but I don’t want her to think I am ignoring her or the heartbreak she is suffering.

Shall I leave her alone until she contacts me and just send best wishes through DS? Or should I send flowers? (DS says no). DS tells me she is very distressed and I don’t know how to express my condolences in the best way?

I suppose I am just thinking out loud, but both DS and DIL tend to be dramatic types hurtling from one emotional trauma to another, flouncing about imagined insults and exaggerating events from the past. Both can be very opinionated and extremely argumentative. So now a real and horrible thing has happened and I feel if I do or say ( or not do or not say) exactly the right thing, it could give them a reason to blow up at me and DH.

Shall I just step back and wait for DIL to make contact when she is ready?

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 09/12/2018 17:17

Maybe send a card saying 'we are here for you when you are ready'?

fuzzywuzzy · 09/12/2018 17:19

Give her space, then contact next week telling her you’re thinking of them.

If your ds is saying don’t send flowers then don’t.

I’m sorry for your and their loss.

Dimsumlosesum · 09/12/2018 17:20

The fact you're evenbothering will probably be worth a lot to her emotionally, if not now, then in the future when she looks backandremembers who still spoke to her and who avoided her for fear of talking about a taboo subject. Loosing that life inside you- personally, it was so horrific noises would rip out of me as I sob-screamed over my now empty womb. No one ever asked how I was. No one ever checked in with me. If just one person had done what you'd done - just one message, to say they were thinking of me, of that little life that was now gone, it would've meant everything.

Doidontimmm · 09/12/2018 17:21

I’d do as pp said and send a card.

Original poster
SueDokue · 09/12/2018 17:30

Ok, I’ll just send weekly texts and a card.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
CrazyOldBagLady · 09/12/2018 17:33

I'd agree with the idea to send a card. When I suffered a loss soneone unexpected sent me a hand written card with their number and condolences and the offer to call them if I needed someone to talk to. I didn't take them up on it but I was very touched and still remember it.

Bluejay19 · 09/12/2018 17:43

I have lost a baby (albeit much earlier so I guess in a way easier to deal with as not many people knew) but in the first few weeks I just needed time to process myself with my DH there for support.

Honestly I would discuss with your DS as he will know best how she is managing - she will know from your messages already that you are there to support but continued messages (however well intentioned) may just bring her more pain.
We all grieve in our own ways and I know for me personally the only people I confided in in the early weeks after my loss was my DH and my DM. After some time had passed I was able to discuss with others but it really is a painful time.
I think it's lovely that you care so much and I expect she will be extremely grateful for your support when the time is right but for me personally I would not have wanted a weekly text asking after me. As I say though best to speak to your DS as he is in the best position to say if weekly texts will help or bring more pain.
I'm sorry for their loss Thanks

Fatted · 09/12/2018 17:44

DS has told you what to do. I'd respect that.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 09/12/2018 18:28

I wouldn’t text but I would send a hand written card.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2018 18:43

We had loads of flowers sent when we had one of our mcs and while the thought was appreciated I grew to hate them so it’s not always the right thing to do.

One memorable morning I was on the sofa in my pjs feeling like death when the bell rang and I burst into tears at the interflora woman saying “oh god not more”. I felt awful later on but it was just too much!

I don’t know how far apart you live but one thing that helped were a friend leaving a bag with some nice biscuits and a card specifically saying she was sorry we’d lost our baby (not just sorry about our “loss”) and she loved us but only texting me once she’d driven off so I didn’t have to see her.

I put the cards straight in a drawer when they arrived and didn’t want to look at them but was grateful for them later.

I wouldn’t keep texting, if she’s not replying she needs space. But a thoughtful card letting them know you’re there for them when they’re ready and that you love them is good. If they’ve named their baby then use that too. It means a lot to have people remember him/her as a person.

Awful situation. I think as long as you steer clear of any awful cliches you’ll be okay. People find it so hard to know what to say they can come out with some horrors. It WASN’T to be. They may not want to try again (straight away or for a while). There isn’t a grand master plan. Nature doesn’t know shit never mind best. All they need is sympathy for the utter shitness of what they’ve gone through/are going through and that they’re loved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2018 18:44

Wasn’t *meant to be

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2018 18:50

Please stop the texting. It is inappropriate, annoying and cold. Send a card telling her how sorry you are and that you are there should she need any kind of support.

Extrastout · 09/12/2018 18:53

It's a very difficult one, but you need to listen to your son. Ask him how she feels about any contact/mention of the baby. Take your lead from him. He will know exactly how she is feeling.

You can't barge in on someone else's grief. You need to give her some space, and if that means not being allowed into her circle of people she feels comfortable with, then you need to respect that.

FaFoutis · 09/12/2018 19:00

I think texting is inappropriate in this situation. I wouldn't want a card either. Any reminder is difficult when you are trying to deal with this.

My mother is not the warmest fish but when I Iost a baby she bought me some small things that were intended to enable me to look after myself. That's the message that is needed, however you do it.

Mikesh909 · 09/12/2018 19:05

If your dil is anything like me, she just wants to be left alone. She wishes no-one knew about this awful thing and she wants to discuss it with almost no-one. She does not want you or anyone to see the pain she is in. The worst thing of all is other people's pity, and flowers, cards and texts are all representative of that.

Are you normally close? It doesn't particularly sound that way from your op. Why do you assume she wants to discuss this with you at all? Of course she may not be like me at all. Other posters have said what they would have wanted. But perhaps bear in mind that not everyone wants those things.

Greensleeves · 09/12/2018 19:09

I would follow your son's lead, and ask him if you are unsure. If he says no flowers, then no flowers. He knows how she is feeling, and he knows you as well, so he is best placed to advise you on what to do, and more importantly what not to do.

I do appreciate that you must be shattered yourself, and that you want to be there for them and to let them know that you care, but sometimes the best way to show people that you care is by doing what they have asked you to do, even it feels counter-intuitive. If she needs space and no overt expressions of sympathy such as flowers and cards, then you should respect that and just let your son know that you are respecting it, that you care and you are there for them when they are ready. If she isn't responding to the texts, then I would stop sending them - again, ask your son if you are unsure. Flowers

Etino · 09/12/2018 19:12

Stop texting but send a short note or card. Just that you’re sorry and to let you know if you can do anything.

YesMrsLevinson · 09/12/2018 19:13

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandchild, I have been through a late TFMR. Maybe cook them a casserole for the freezer with a little card xx

Original poster
SueDokue · 09/12/2018 19:16

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/12/2018 21:18

The thing is that so many DILS will moan about how their MIL did nothing when they miscarried.

Not even a text or card

SandyY2K · 09/12/2018 21:19

You can't win really. You'll be accused of being uncaring or intruding.

Daisymay2 · 09/12/2018 21:25

How is your son? DH said every pne asked about me but no one asked him how he was feeling.

Original poster
SueDokue · 09/12/2018 21:47

My DS is walking the knife edge between his own heart ache and supporting his DP.

He has just called round and seems a little shell shocked. He has said she doesn’t want to see anyone or talk about it.

It was very sad to hear him talk about their little boy and use the name they had chosen for him. I tried to ask a few open questions to see if he wanted to open up and he seemed a little relieved to let some of his hurt out. He said his employer has been very supportive and understanding.

OP posts:
KoshaMangsho · 09/12/2018 21:47

I saw a card that said ‘Have a very gentle Christmas’ meant for those families who have lost a child. That might be a nice thing to send. I doubt she wants a cheery greeting now. And a simple text sayjng: Please don’t feel you have to reply but I am thinking of you and DS at this time.
I am assuming she had to give birth? Did they name the baby? If so, then ‘thinking of you, DS and baby’s name.’
Some people don’t want their baby to be forgotten and others don’t want to be reminded.

MarilynSlumroe · 09/12/2018 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.