How to relate to DIL after her loss

[SueDokue]

DS and his DP (DIL) had a contraceptive failure and found themselves expecting a baby.

At the 20 week scan they discovered a heart abnormality unsustainable with life and DIL subsequently lost the poor mite.

I asked DS should I call and or send flowers but he said not to. DIL was far too upset. I sent a text as soon as I heard but DIL didn’t reply. It was too soon after.

A week later I sent another text along with a message forwarded from a young family member wishing a happy Christmas. No reply. Not even an emoji.

I’m at a bit of a loss what to do? I don’t want to harass the poor woman but I don’t want her to think I am ignoring her or the heartbreak she is suffering.

Shall I leave her alone until she contacts me and just send best wishes through DS? Or should I send flowers? (DS says no). DS tells me she is very distressed and I don’t know how to express my condolences in the best way?

I suppose I am just thinking out loud, but both DS and DIL tend to be dramatic types hurtling from one emotional trauma to another, flouncing about imagined insults and exaggerating events from the past. Both can be very opinionated and extremely argumentative. So now a real and horrible thing has happened and I feel if I do or say ( or not do or not say) exactly the right thing, it could give them a reason to blow up at me and DH.

Shall I just step back and wait for DIL to make contact when she is ready?

I think the responses on this thread demonstrate that you really can't say or do anything right at such a difficult time.

We lost twins at 23 weeks, and what I found so hurtful was the people who said nothing at all - no text, no email, no card - nothing; no acknowledgement that we had been through something terribly painful and upsetting. It was after 10 weeks of hospital monitoring and ups and downs; we were drained.

But when the initial pain subsided, I remembered the people who had got in touch, and I was so grateful. The key for me was not expecting a response. The check-ins, weeks later, were most appreciated. The fact you have been in touch will, I imagine, be appreciated. But don;t expect anything back.

I would continue to help your son (gently and in his own time), and by doing that you will be helping DIL too.

Absolutely this. I wouldn't make any further independent contact with DIL apart from a card that you can give your son - write it to both of them.

I don’t know. But you are pretty much the ONLY person who has inferred that she thinks that the DIL is being a drama queen over the death of her baby. Nothing the OP wrote originally and subsequently has suggested that. And she has behaved with grace and decorum towards her DIL and son.

The OP clearly acknowledges that she and her DH have a difficult relationship with them and this pregnancy was unplanned. She is wary of again saying and doing the wrong thing. That DOES NOT equal to suggesting that the DIL is a drama queen at this moment when she has had to birth a dead baby.

Moreover in her OP she placed equal culpability on her own DS which you conveniently ignored.

As I said, get off the thread and take your issues elsewhere. I say this as someone who has a complicated relationship with my MIL but she was a bedrock of strength when I had a late and devastating miscarriage.

I think you're doing the right thing - send the odd text, or card saying you're there when she's ready and follow your son's lead.

She must be absolutely devastated poor thing - they both must be and I expect she just hasn't got the emotional energy to engage with anyone.

Perhaps you can help best by supporting your son. Dads can get a bit overlooked and he might like talking through things with you. You said he's talked about the baby and the name - that's really lovely so keep in touch with him primarily maybe.

Oh jeez. So much vitriol. Random inference. And no constructive advice. You’d be a delight in real life.

Let me return to the OP and ignore the frothing. Along with all the good advice (don’t call unannounced or send flowers, send a card, offer your DS support) I would like to add that please remember their baby’s due date and the day they passed in subsequent years. As many people have said the idea that this child will be ‘forgotten’ will in time be a painful thought. So again a short note saying ‘On this day thinking of you, DS and baby’s name’ is sufficient.

And it’s not your life or your MIL either and unless you want to do something other than shout at me, I do think getting off the thread and taking a deep breath will be good for your mental health. Because your overreaction is a little unusual.

As I said, I have offered plenty of actual concrete advice from the wording of texts, to suggestions of the ‘Have a very gentle Christmas’ cards etc. All you have done on a thread which is about a baby who has died, is shout at me. Take a moment to think about that.

This is so hard for them both. Whatever they do - is right and understandable in this situation I agree - send supportive messages (cards are best) but don't expect a return.

I am sorry for your loss too.

In your place I might look to dedicate a tree in the name of this baby.

The Woodland trust do something like that. I would like the idea that the tree remains in the world and grows doing nothing but good. It would also show that this baby is not going to be dismissed or forgotten -even with the passing of time. That would be important .

kosha It’s a thoughtful suggestion and I know some would like that, but personally I would’ve hated someone saying something on my baby’s would be due date.

OP. I guess this is why it’s so difficult to know what to do as what might work for one, wouldn’t work for others. So along with everyone else take your lead from DS. And show your support through him not direct to your DIL at the moment.

I'm going through a miscarriage now, albeit much earlier than your DIL. My mother in law and I aren't very close but she seems to think we are. Last time I had a miscarriage she turned up at my house unannounced, with flowers and gifts, and I was horrified.

This time she text me daily for the first week and it was completely overwhelming. I never replied and I found her texts very impersonal. Although there was nothing wrong with the content, and they were well intentioned, it felt like she was texting out of a sense of duty or to make a point that she existed. She's now stopped.

All I can say is that you should listen to your DS, and be there to support him specifically. She is likely aware of your desire to send flowers and do more; and could be the one telling him to ask you not to. She possibly (if anything like me) was just happy you acknowledged her loss and now just wants her own mum to lean on.

I'm so sorry that this is hard for you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. X

Oh gawd I've just read some of the other replies. Do not turn up OP. Please don't do that.

I felt so helpless when I saw my MIL stood at my door. She stayed for well over an hour and I was sat there, bleeding and in pain, just wishing she would vanish. It made my last miscarriage more traumatic than it needed to be.

This time she keeps asking if she can 'come and sit with me' or 'come and see me for a lovely coffee' and it has made me so much more anxious than I need to be right now.

Please, don't do that. It's a very rare person who would appreciate that.

Tell me again, why did the OP include the information that this pregnancy was due to a contraceptive failure?

She was just explaining the situation, wasn't she? I think it does make a bit of a difference, for instance because it means they won't necessarily be trying again and because it means they might be dealing with guilt over any initial ambivalence they felt. I do think it's a bit different to lose an unplanned pregnancy than a really wanted one - not easier, but a bit different. You seem determined to cast OP in the wrong but I think she's really trying here.

This is a tricky one. I don’t think anyone here can really advise you because everyis different. What is right for ine person might not be for the next. You’ll havd to work this out based on your knowledge of your DIL and your instincts. Very hard.

Op, send a card (not a ‘sorry for your loss’ or anything Christmassy but a National Trust type card with pretty scenery). Write an appropriate message saying you are thinking about her.

Please don’t text or phone or send flowers and gifts. Please don’t just turn up like a pp suggested! Your DS will let you know what to do. Don’t expect them to join in with Christmas celebrations this year unless they want to.

LisaSimpsonsbff - She was just explaining the situation, wasn't she? I think it does make a bit of a difference, for instance because it means they won't necessarily be trying again and because it means they might be dealing with guilt over any initial ambivalence they felt. I do think it's a bit different to lose an unplanned pregnancy than a really wanted one - not easier, but a bit different. You seem determined to cast OP in the wrong but I think she's really trying here.

Actually - no it's not. I have had 3 miscarriages and the first, unplanned pregnancy was easily the most traumatic because of the process. You need to be really carefully as many people use the fact that the pregnancy wasn't initially planned to claim that it didn't matter that I lost the baby. Someone actually said this to me and it is the most disgusting thing to say.

The OP's DIL had made the decision to keep and want the baby that she carried to 20+ weeks - it is really unkind to diminish her loss by saying that this is "different" to a planned pregnancy.

) What do you think was the purpose of including that information?

To illustrate how tricksy said couple have been in the past and getting it right in a genuine emergency is fraught, hence asking for advice.

I think you're picking holes where there are none, Marilyn. I genuinely dont think you're seeing this in perspective.

Aka you're being a bit of a pita

I was really clear that 'different' didn't mean easier - I said that in the post, in those exact words - and I gave a couple of examples of how it might slightly change the situation. I'm really sorry that people minimised your loss, which is unjustifiable, but that's not what I did. All I said is that I can see why the OP thought it was relevant information.

A card is good. Maybe if not nearby send a voucher for M&S to get a meal deal. If nearby make some food for them. Then step away and let them tell you what contact they want x

I would focus on being there for your son. The father is often ignored in these situations and you are his mum after all. Helping him will also help his partner.

I would echo everyone who has said a card with a thoughtful message and an offer of any support she needs. Then just wait it out.

You're being a major pain in the arse Marilyn and I think you need to step away from the thread and perhaps get some perspectI've.

Your tireless flogging the same points over and over (and over) is seriously blocking the thread, making it about you and your points. You've made your points countless times, now stfu.