How to relate to DIL after her loss

[SueDokue]

DS and his DP (DIL) had a contraceptive failure and found themselves expecting a baby.

At the 20 week scan they discovered a heart abnormality unsustainable with life and DIL subsequently lost the poor mite.

I asked DS should I call and or send flowers but he said not to. DIL was far too upset. I sent a text as soon as I heard but DIL didn’t reply. It was too soon after.

A week later I sent another text along with a message forwarded from a young family member wishing a happy Christmas. No reply. Not even an emoji.

I’m at a bit of a loss what to do? I don’t want to harass the poor woman but I don’t want her to think I am ignoring her or the heartbreak she is suffering.

Shall I leave her alone until she contacts me and just send best wishes through DS? Or should I send flowers? (DS says no). DS tells me she is very distressed and I don’t know how to express my condolences in the best way?

I suppose I am just thinking out loud, but both DS and DIL tend to be dramatic types hurtling from one emotional trauma to another, flouncing about imagined insults and exaggerating events from the past. Both can be very opinionated and extremely argumentative. So now a real and horrible thing has happened and I feel if I do or say ( or not do or not say) exactly the right thing, it could give them a reason to blow up at me and DH.

Shall I just step back and wait for DIL to make contact when she is ready?

I don’t think the OP has ever ever suggested that DIL is being a drama queen. What nonsense.

She has said that in the part she has been prone to dramatic behaviour but now that something horrible has happened the OP is trying to put the past behind her and reach out.
For what it’s worth when I had a v late miscarriage I felt unable to respond to texts but that doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate them. Feeling that I had been forgotten or that no one cared or that people wanted to ‘move on’ was the worst thing ever.

If I were you, I'd call round. You're her mother in law, not a distant relative. It's your grandchild that they lost. Acknowledging that with her will possibly help her, as it's not just an incomplete pregnancy, but the death of a child and grandchild. She is grieving and is not able to make any rational decisions. A text and even a cad seems quite cold. Be brave, and call round. You need to see her face to face. Take your lead from how she is when you see her.

I think a card and maybe a simple to eat dinner, just something to show you care and want to help.

And well done for wanting to respect their wishes.

I would continue to help your son (gently and in his own time), and by doing that you will be helping DIL too. My parents lost my brother very late on, and I really wonder how both my parents even began to cope. I doubt my dad has ever uttered a word about it. Having a supportive partner who is himself supported by you, op, would be the best way to help them. If that makes sense.

Be brave. Go round and offer a hug. Tell her you want her to know you are thinking about her. Don't say much else, except listen. Leave a card if you don't see her. Sorry OP.

I’m so sorry for you and your husband too OP. Please look after yourself xx

It is easy to misinterpret texts so, like others, I would say stop sending them.

A card would be much nicer, especially if you can say something along the lines of ‘we are thinking of you. We understand you may not be ready for company now but please call when you are or if you need anything at all.’

The messages I received when I went through something similar (slightly earlier) meant a lot to me but I did ask my husband to tell some people that I did not want them to talk about it or even mention it to me when it was still so raw.

I think if I were in the DIL's situation, having my MIL (whom I'm not particularly close to) turn up to express her sympathy (however well-meant) to me directly would have tipped me over the edge into sheer misery/fury, particularly as I'd already said I wanted to be left alone. I don't agree with any of the posters who've recommended a visit

Card yes, definitely. Even a text can express love and support if written well. But making a grieving parent perform polite social behaviour? I know that wouldn't be your intention op but it sounds like that's what she'd feel obliged to do. Kinder to give her the space she's shown she wants.

I'm very sorry for the loss to your family

Don’t just turn up! That’s genuinely awful advice.

Your DS feels comfy popping in. That’s good. Her home is her sanctuary and depending on how long ago this happened, she’s probably wandering around in her pjs in a daze or watching crap on tv trying to get the energy to wash her hair. I adore my mum and we’re very close. She’s been hugely supported with all my losses and I didn’t even want her dropping in. When I was ready for visitors I let her know and she brought bread and soup and nice bath products and we went for a slow walk. I’d have been very pissed off indeed to have ANY uninvited visitors. I’m not keen on people popping in unannounced anyway and when I was bleeding and crying or napping I’d have lost it if anyone swung by for a bloody cuppa.

What an awful situation. Your son has told you not to call or go round so you have to respect that. Your dil hasnt responded to texts which is a response of 'I'm not ready to discuss this yet'. I think it would be nice to make their favourite dish and pop it round (either get DS to collect or leave at door and text once you are away saying where it is. Pop some chocolates in the bag. Flowers can be a pain, if she is depressed she may not want the hassle of arranging them in a vase and everytime she looks at them she will think about why she was sent them. Same with cards and she may not want to even think about Christmas.
Next time DS is round try and chat about how he is coping. If he is worried about his wife's mental health but scared to tell anyone he might need some support, or maybe someone just to tell him it's ok to call the gp.

Just do what your DS suggests. I'm sure he will say that you asked after her when you saw him. You have text twice so she knows you care. I don't think you need to do anything else in order to demonstrate that. Let DS let you know when she is ready to see anyone and what sort of approach she is taking.

I've never had a MC so closest comparison I have is losing someone else close to me. Like a PP I am the type who wants to be alone and doesn't really want to have my attention drawn to it any more than it already is (e.g. receiving flowers or cards). Not everyone is like that obviously but your DS will know what she has said she wants/needs now and it sounds like some space from everything for a bit.

I did. And did you not read my next post where I clearly said that the DIL may have been a drama queen but there is no implication that she is being one over this. Jeez.

but both DS and DIL tend to be dramatic types

The OP spoke of her DS and DIL equally.... so stop trying to turn this into a. MIL bashing thread.

Don't go round.
Follow your son's lead.

Poor you op. Walking on eggshells is hard at the best of times but it could look like whatever you do will be wrong. Poor them, miscarriages are hard

Dont let them beat you up over this for doing /not doing the right thing. You don't need to be walking on eggshells so don't. You've sent your heartfelt condolences so leave it there. Be natural.

I'm sorry you've lost your grandchild. Look after yourself 🌸 💐

Yes I do. Grammar. IS BEING is not the same as HAS BEEN. OOOOOF.

I think the best thing to do is just to back off for the time being and allow her to process what happened and grieve. It's good that you have contact with your DS and that he has come over when he wanted your support. But it does not sound like you were that close to your DIL - so perhaps you are not the right person to help her.

DIL has been through a very traumatic event as she had to give birth to her dead baby at 20+ weeks. This is such a shock and you need to let her deal with this trauma how she needs to and not how you would like her to.

Please, please, please do not override your DIL's requests at this time and ignore previous posters who have urged you to do so. Do not send flowers when asked not to - for some people they can be a negative and seem like funeral flowers after the loss of the baby. Do not go round when asked not to. I miscarried at the start of the second trimester and it really upset me that some people felt that their "need to see me" outweighed my needs at that time. I've never forgotten those that made it all about them.

Should I say it slowly? DIL HAS BEEN a drama queen in the past. There is no indication from the OP that she IS BEING one over the loss of her child.
Take your issues with your MIL elsewhere!

Oh dear lord, just leave her alone. You contacted her twice, she knows you're thinking about her. It sounds like you want to make it about yourself "being there for her". You don't know what to do? Your DS told you - nothing at the moment.

Write to her, a proper letter handwritten expressing that you are thinking of her (and them) at this sad time and that you know they need space to grieve but you are there for her if she wants to talk or just companionship. You could also say that if she wants any help with sorting arrangements (many people want a small memorial service) to find out about counselling or groups etc you are there for her. Slip it inside a "thinking of you" card.

Everyone is different, it's really hard though - it took my friend over a year to even talk about what happened (most the brain was missing) and few people know she actually aborted, so worried that she would be judged.

Please stop texting .I am sorry,I know you mean well, but I think that is very inappropriate Send a handwritten card,say you are sorry they have lost their babyuse the name if you know it ,you are there if they need you and then back off